I am so sorry to hear about your sister's daughter. I can understand her struggling, though. The whole process IS such a struggle, but I guess if you look at the big scheme of things it's understandable. To put it in perspective, you just have to remember that many people who quit smoking have to quit 4 or 5 times before they stay off them. I am glad that your niece is beginning to see that her children are being well taken care of. It is very distressing that she is pregnant again... such a shame. Is your sister thinking of taking this baby in too? I am thinking that perhaps her daughter just isn't being put in a position where she has to face the truths of how her addiction is affecting everyone. Losing yet another child certainly doesn't seem to be smacking any reality into her head! You and your sis must feel so discouraged at times.

I wonder what would happen if a real hard line was taken? Does she have court ordered visitations? Does she see the kids at all? It is so hard when you have the kids, because you know the best thing is to cut all ties unless they are sober/straight, etc. If they have visitation that is difficult. If she continues to use, I suggest that your sister requests limited, supervised visitation with regular drug tests (if that is available there). The more that your niece must face the reality of her situation the better her chances are of at least straightening up and staying out of trouble. It has to be so difficult for the kids.

At any rate, you are correct. There isn't much else that you can do besides be there for your sister. She needs all the emotional support that she can get. She is lucky that she has you, Rose. I honestly don't know how she manages.

Warm hugs,
Didi

ordinaryguy,

Thank you for your kind words. My sister doesn't have legal custody yet. Still some confusion about what type of custody to go for. I have a residency order for my grandson which I got with no trouble because everyone was in agreement. It's a different story in my sister's case, as her daughter is still against any type of custody, and child welfare are still concerned about the children. If their mum would step back things might be different. But they are concerned that she still gets too much access to them being my sister's daughter, and my sister being unable to shut her daughter out completely. I don't see why she should have to so long as she has the kids interest at heart and she has. Still a sticky issue but with time things, and kids getting older, things will get better. We just have to hang in there.

Didi,

It is very distressing that she is pregnant again. More so because no one wants the baby. My niece is much worse now than when she had her other children. It is believed that this child, if it survives, will have lots of problems.
Sounds awful harsh I know but it might, in the long run, be better for the child to be placed with someone who can take proper care of it. My sister and I are in our late fifties, we wouldn't be able to take care of a baby.

"I am thinking that perhaps her daughter just isn't being put in a position where she has to face the truths of how her addiction is affecting everyone. Losing yet another child certainly doesn't seem to be smacking any reality into her head! You and your sis must feel so discouraged at times."

Very true. She lost a baby at three weeks old. At the time, we thought that would give her the 'awakening' she needed - it didn't. There is no chance of her facing the reality of her situation, she has sunk as low as she can. She has a terrible aggressive temper and uses it against anyone who tries to point out the reality of her situation. She is on drugs and drinks constantly but manages to pull herself together when visiting with the kids. My sister refuses to let go of her daughter and I have to admit that I would be the same. We have accepted her as she is and we know any change in her situation must come from her and her alone.

Oh, hun, as you are aware, I KNOW exactly what you mean when you say "My sister refuses to let go of her daughter and I have to admit that I would be the same. We have accepted her as she is and we know any change in her situation must come from her and her alone." I just wanted to say one thing about that... Sometimes, when you really, really love someone, the love gets in the way of healing. Sometimes, especially when the person you love has addictions, the most selfless and loving thing that you can do is let go. Hopefully, when you are strong enough to do that, it will be the last thing that is necessary for the addicted person to truly hit rock bottom. Usually that will result in one of two ways: 1. the addicted person goes deeper and deeper into the addictive lifestyle until they do hit a point where they either die or pull themselves together; or 2. the addicted person is shcoked into reality and goes for the necessary help.

I know it's difficult. I have watched many grandparents raising their grandchildren go through the same thing. As an addiction counsellor I watched many addicts go through the same thing. The thing is, (and this is just my opinion, sweetie) no matter which of the outcomes your niece might face by being "cut off", the children, you and your sister will be better off. Those wee ones must learn early on that their mother's lifestyle is unacceptable. Your sister must learn that it's okay to say no. She is getting stronger, but if she isn't careful, she will be going through similar times with those grandkids and it will wear her out and leave her feeling hopeless and helpless. I think that showing respect and concern for the little ones AND herself will go a very long way with her daughter, the grandkids, social services and her general well-being.

I also support your family's decision in not taking in the baby if it survives. Raising grandchildren is not an easy task at the best of times. It is even more difficult when the parent is an addict, and can be pure hell if the grandchild(ren) suffer from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or similar disorders. Your sis (and you) already have your hands full.

Anyhow my dear, you know that I am around if you need to talk.

Love & Hugs, Didi

Didi,

Thank you for your frankness. I will support my sister with the knowledge and advice you have passed on to me, it will be very helpful. I try to avoid getting sucked into the drama, and the information you have provided helps me to be objective and firm when I have to be.

Thank you for taking the time to help.

You are so welcome, Rose. Every situation is different of course. I have been fortunate(?) enough to have lived through all sides of it and to see many of the women in my grandparent's group raise their grands into adulthood. That makes it much easier to see things that I could never have predicted 12 years ago when I took my grand-daughter in. I have seen grandparents struggle so much despite their love and commitment. I have seen the long term effects in so many children of abuse, neglect, fetal alcohol syndrome, attachement disorders, etc. I have seen so many grandparents become so sick, even die, with stress related illnesses, or illnesses which become worse due to the stresses of raising their grands. People who don't do it have no idea. Sometimes it is difficult to find the supports we need. It is not uncommon to see your friendships peter out and you can become so isolated when everyone your age is past raising children and into travel and careers and other endeavors while we are teaching our grands the ABC's or coaching baseball. I am NOT saying people should not do it! However, we do need to learn to set limits, draw the line, recognize when we must start saying no. There is a time and place that we need to put our own needs first... even before the grandkids or our adult children... because if we don't our health (both physical and emotional), our finances and our esteem can suffer incredibly. If that happens we are useless - we fail to be able to do what we set out to do.

Every child is different, every parent and grandparent is different. However, sadly, quite often, no matter how much we build these kids up through the years, they feel like something is missing. This can be worse if they see their parents put alcohol and drugs ahead of them. Add a poor self-esteem, a feeling of abandonment and the usual teenaged issues together; throw in a learning problem, anger issues, physical prolems or fetal alcohol issues - the results can be disastrous. All of these things are possibilities, and your sister doesn't just have one child to deal with. Luckily, she has lots of support... so, as I said to you a long time ago, on one hand it's a pain... but on the other hand it is a blessing. When they are 4 you just have no idea what you might be up against at 16. :)

I am glad that you are strong enough not to be sucked into the drama yet remain supportive to your sister. She is very lucky to have you.

How is your young fellow doing? I hope things are better for him.

Hugs, Didi

Didi,

I have taken a copy of that and I plan to show it to my sister. She needs to know that she will be no use to anyone if she doesn't take care of herself too.

My young guy is at this moment getting ready for school. Still no sign of his dad visiting but his step mum has visited a few time with my other little grandsons. She is only now coming into the realisation of the real situation and wants to make an effort to see my young guy, her stepson. I encourage this as much as possible. It has been a tough two and a half years at time just trying to get them all to get on and understand what happened and why. No one's fault really, just circumstances.