Ask Me Help Desk - Re-married father causing joint custody problems

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScottGem

I'm not so sure that's the case. I go back to this quote fromthe OP; "but she is leaving a bad taste in my mouth as she disregards my thoughts and feelings and decisions.". I think the problem is more that the step-mom is going against what the OP wants.

I agree to a certain extent but I can't get a sense of just what it is that the OP wants from the stepmother or the ex. A call every night? Input on what the child has for dinner? I can't get a grasp on this.

Also - is the OP paying child support or are the ex and his "new" wife paying everything? It's very difficult as the stepmother to do without something because you are in some way or fashion supporting your husband's child/children.

I'd be grateful that the stepmother is involved with the child and cares enough to HAVE an opinion. And, again, I don't have a sense that the stepmother is doing anything but giving an opinion. She does not seem to be calling the shots.

Maybe some specific incidents would be helpful -

Judy beat me too it... I was going to ask if a couple specific times when your wishes were dismissed. This would be greatly helpful because I too see it as though part of the problem could be that he has a new wife that of course is going to be involved. So if you don't mind please provide a couple specific times that your wishes for the child were dismissed especially if it was in favor of what the step-mom wanted not the child's father.

Okay, and still no real examples of how they are going against her wishes. It was asked in the beginning, it was asked yesterday and it was asked 12 hours ago today you can continue to ask her over and over and I don't think you will get anything concrete. Secondly, I am a mother and regardless to where my children want to go to school or what religion I am practicing would I make the decision to give up full physical custody solely based on those two things. You want her in a particular school, get up and take her to school, it can be done. There is no reason why you can't find one in your area as well. I submit that we are not getting the entire story. Third, I want off this crazy ride... Are you Serious? This is a woman that is watching her child grow up and regretting her decision. Or was it really a decision and not a court order? A lot is being taken for granted here on our parts, she has come back to this post over and over to pour out her side of the story, if it's that serious she would have either
A. fixed it by now or B. told us something. Train stops here for me.

In my opinion tells me that what she has said already is a reality for her. What she feels right now is as if she is an outsider in a relationship that was growing closer rather then apart. Now THIS woman steps in and she feels inadequate in her role as Mom. Sometimes the best solutios you can get is by asking a question which in turn empowers the person your asking and makes them feel a part of the picture rather then being told what's going to happen. Another thing that needs to be looked at.. yes its nice to send a child to private schools when you can but Im not that all fired up for " christian " schools. They are often lacking in the education department and also unregulated in most states. You don't have to have a licence to teach at christian schools in most states. What I would like to know is if it was a parental evaluation or just counseling ? And would be handy to know if it was court ordered because there could be grounds for overturning any decision made by the courts.

Quote:

Originally Posted by califdadof3

IMHO tells me that what she has said already is a reality for her. What she feels right now is as if she is an outsider in a relationship that was growing closer rather then apart. Now THIS woman steps in and she feels inadequate in her role as Mom. Sometimes the best solutios you can get is by asking a question which in turn empowers the person your asking and makes them feel a part of the picture rather then being told whats going to happen. Another thing that needs to be looked at .. yes its nice to send a child to private schools when you can but Im not that all fired up for " christian " schools. They are often lacking in the education department and also unregulated in most states. You dont have to have a licence to teach at christian schools in most states. What I would like to know is if it was a parental evaluation or just couseling ? And would be handy to know if it was court ordered because there could be grounds for overturning any decision made by the courts.

Thank you for summing this up for me, I just want to advise the other readers that I am not online all the time, I cannot answer or even tell more as easy and quickly as I would like to, hence the lack of info, time and time again. I have nothing against this step mother or the father in this case, as mentioned above by CALIFDADOF3 (THANK YOU) I do feel inadequate as my roll as mom. I am not against what his wife is doing for my child - I am totally happy to rather have someone love her then the other way around -but I don't feel being excluded is the right and fair way!

To answer your question: the family advocate advised that they would give us joint custody providing that when she was older we needed to see a child psychologist to help decide whom our daughter should live with on a more permanent basis as she needed more stability (not our time table of one day one parent the next the other parent) -this is exactly what we did.

Some reasons I am not happy...
Its not fair when you don't get told when your daughter is not at school, you phone the school to check up and you get told "well you her mother how do you not know" or when I arrange a fun event for your child and I get told "no" by the step mother with no valid reason. These are maybe stupid reasons - but they are things that I should know and decide as a mother surely? These are just a few things... let me just advise you now.
I would like to call it "my consolation prize" from the psychologist, and this will answer a remark that was made... no I don't get to pay towards my daughters school because the psychologist advised that because I am weekend mom and don't have my daughter during school times it won't be fair to pay towards her school, so that automatically just erases you from any say right? Is this what you telling me? This was not my choice at all.
So I am asking, am I just being stupid - should I stop being petty - forget about my roll as a mother because clearly I should because the step mother has more say currently then I do, I mean really this issue is not with the step mom taking over and doing what feel I should be doing, my issue really is that I feel I should get respected as the mother by both parties, be included in her life as I WANT TO... and literally I will have no problem with how things are happening currently, I am sure I would not be feeling the way I do if everything was fine.
Thank you for all your replies -it does help

Quote:

Originally Posted by arlenecav

Some reasons why i am not happy...
its not fair when you don't get told when your daughter is not at school, you phone the school to check up and you get told "well you her mother how do you not know" or when i arrange a fun event for your child and i get told "no" by the step mother with no valid reason. these are maybe stupid reasons - but they are things that i should know and decide as a mother surely? these are just a few things... let me just advise you now.
i would like to call it "my consolation prize" from the psychologist, and this will answer a remark that was made...no i dont get to pay towards my daughters school because the psychologist advised that because i am weekend mom and dont have my daughter during school times it wont be fair to pay towards her school, so that automatically just erases you from any say right? is this what you telling me? this was not my choice at all.
so i am asking, am i just being stupid - should i stop being petty - forget about my roll as a mother because clearly i should because the step mother has more say currently then i do, i mean really this issue is not with the step mom taking over and doing what feel i should be doing, my issue really is that i feel i should get respected as the mother by both parties, be included in her life as I WANT TO... and literally i will have no problem with how things are happening currently, i am sure i would not be feeling the way i do if everything was fine.
thank you for all your replies -it does help

[/QUOTE]

Why are you calling the school to check up? Who or what are you checking up on?

Again I am having problems with the psychologist - the psychologist said it "wouldn't be fair" for you to pay toward your daughter's schooling? That's a legal decision and totally inappropriate for a psychologist to address. I absolutely cannot understand the role of the psychologist in this issue.

And here, quite bluntly, is my concern with you. Speaking only for myself I have tried very hard to understand what the problem is here and you keep coming back with the same passive/aggressive stance - "should i stop being petty - forget about my roll as a mother ." Apparently you see no middle ground here - those are two questions which you have bundled into one.

I don't know why you are equating stopping being petty with forgetting about your role as a mother.

As far as planning fun things with your daughter - I have no idea how far advance you made the plans, what plans the father (and stepmother) had made, what the situation was, if this was your regular visitation day, if you were asking for extra time. No way to know.

I think the 3 of you should go for counselling or back to Court because I see this only getting worse and everybody getting frustrated - to the extent where your daughter is harmed by the upset.

Thank you for answering, I am confident I know how to handle this situation -please know that I am not an aggressive person at all, even if it might sound like it. I did not join this site to be shot down at all by anyone, I needed advise, if you don't understand what I am saying I can't help that -i have tried explaining the best I could.
This is clearly frustrating you.
We can leave it at that.

I agree with Judy. Your daughter should have no knowledge about whether you pay towards her school or not. That is completely outside the scope of a psychologist's job to deal with such an issue. Which leads me to wonder what other bounds this psychologist has overstepped.

As to the your specific complaints. Yes if you child was held out of school because of an illness, you should have been informed. I think that's a valid complaint. If you have your daughter every weekend, then why don't you plan the fun events for then? Why would the step monm have any say then?

Quote:

Originally Posted by arlenecav

thank you for answering, i am confident i know how to handle this situation -please know that i am not an aggressive person at all, even if it might sound like it. i did not join this site to be shot down at all by anyone, i needed advise, if you don't understand what i am saying i can't help that -i have tried explaining the best i could.
this is clearly frustrating you.
we can leave it at that.

We aren't trying to shoot you down, but trying to get an accurate picutre so we can give you the best advice we can. We do understand what you are saying, but we are trying to show you the other side. You are having a problem with your perceptions of the situations. But we are trying to give you a different perspective.

Quote:

Originally Posted by arlenecav

thank you for answering, i am confident i know how to handle this situation -please know that i am not an aggressive person at all, even if it might sound like it. i did not join this site to be shot down at all by anyone, i needed advise, if you don't understand what i am saying i can't help that -i have tried explaining the best i could.
this is clearly frustrating you.
we can leave it at that.

No, I am not "quite clearly" getting frustrated. I'm not getting frustrated at all, in fact.

I'm also not shooting you down - you posted a private problem on a public board and asked for help and legal advice. You will not only get the advice that you want or think you should get - this is not the "feel good" board.

I don't understand your question about what to do if you are confident you know how to handle your situation - ?

My two cents here, and tis is strictly on the emotional, not legal issues. (Legal advice: if you don't like the custody situation, go back to court and see if it can be changed.) But in a custody situation, generally there is the primary custodial parent, which is generally the mother, and the non-custodial parent, which is generally the father. In this case, the genders are switched, and the mother is dealing with some of the social and psychological fall-out from that. We've seen it in this thread (No way would I let my child live in this situation), and from the school's comment (you're her mother... don't you know where she is?), with the definite undertone that the only women who give up their kids in this kind of situation are "bad mothers". Society has an idea of the role for weekend dads... the very idea of weekend moms is foreign to many people. I have a feeling that this woman is posting many of the things that they feel, but aren't allowed by our society to express.

I suggest getting counseling to come to terms with the situation. And, if you do go and fight for primary physical custody, remember this time when dealing with your daughter and ex. Because he will be feeling the same things as you are.

Im not sure where OP lives but if its possible maybe she could find a program like Kids Turn near her and everyone can go to it. Its major scale group therapy. An excellent program for divorcing parents with children.

Having said that. You can go back to court and get things put into your custody agreement that pertain to how notifications are treated and who cares for the child when sick or at least has the option. As far as not being allowed to go to a " fun " event. If its your time with your child then you may. Sometimes parents wish to extend punishment beyond their home to the other parent. Example.. little soandso has been bad this week so no water park. If its your time with the child then its your choice not anyone else's. Sometimes its hard to balance. Good Luck.

KIDS' TURN www.kidsturn.org