Ask Me Help Desk - Child support from unwilling father, uninvolved father

Sounds like this guy's only problem is that he's selfish. He knows he made the baby with you, but being involved means putting someone else first. He knows that a baby requires effort and sacrifice, neither of which he wants to give. That's why he's gotten 2 other women pregnant and walked away - he doesn't want to be responsible because that means growing up.

His parents have very obviously instilled this attitude in him; he's 27 and they're making excuses that he can't assemble a crib? Please... they need to stop enabling him and tell him he needs to be a man and support his son.

No, you are not crazy or obsessed. You care about him and you care about your baby, and you want the two to be combined; unfortunately, he cares most about himself right now. No amount of screaming, crying or begging will change that. Hopefully, that will change over time but he needs to make that decision on his own. Good luck, honey - I'll keep you and your baby in my prayers.

Quote:

Originally Posted by v_e

Well, thanks everyone for the supportive ear. Thanks for the advice.

I know that we are getting off the subject of law... I'm sorry.

I know that in this forum, you can't understand why I've been with this guy for so long. It's impossible for me to explain it. I have trouble explaining it to myself, especially now. I hope that he is in denial and will eventually come around, if not for me, then for the baby. But, I can't understand why it's taking so long. I can't understand why his parents are continually defending him that he can't help. His hands are not tied behind his back. He's not stupid, but he IS acting that way.

Does he think that because I'm a strong person, who ... yeah-up makes more money than him... that he is not needed? I can't understand it. I didn't make the baby by myself. It's not like I'm a millionaire. It's not like I even make six figures. Why does he think that his role stops now? Why does he think that his role won't start again until after the baby born, if at all? I've read What to Expect When You're Expecting and other books, I can't find anything about a dad having this kind of difficulty. I've asked him to be involved in naming the baby, total cost to him $0 - Zero Dollars. I've asked him to be the labor partner. Again total cost to him $0 - Zero Dollars. Time involved, 3 nights 6 to 9 pm, over the course of 3 weeks. From my other posts, you can see that I've asked for him to be involved financially. He isn't. Most books recommend that the mother involves the father as much as possible by asking the father to do small things. I have.

Yet, none of that matters. He isn't involved. He doesn't even call me anymore. In all this time, he hasn't once asked how the baby is doing. I have always offered that information, because he's ready to hang up the phone and isn't going to ask.

I know he wants space, so I haven't called him in nearly 4 weeks. The last time I spoke to him was on Christmas Day.

After I went to the doctor at the 22 week mark, I showed him the ultrasound pictures. Yeah it's a boy! Yeah everything looks good so far! That's a real concern for me, because I do have medical history and am now high risk. I have invited him to visit any of the doctor appointments. I have one every week because I visiting both the OB-GYNE and the high risk OB Fetal Specialist. Sometimes I have two appointments in a single week. His response was staring off into space and changing the subject to something unimportant.

I'm trying to be as unemotional and reasonable as humanly possible. Do I sound like a crazy obsessed person?

Yet, this is really, really, really and truly bothering me.

No, you don't sound crazy or obsessed - you sound like a pregnant woman with a maybe-I'm-involved-with-you-or-maybe-I'm-not "boyfriend." And, I do understand; I do "get it."

Hey - I've picked some doozies in my past! I think almost everyone has. I was just fortunate enough (if that's the word) that no babies were involved, that I got stronger or he got weaker or whatever - life is sort of what happens to you while you're making other plans.

And this really, truly is the one time in your life you can be emotional and unreasonable and have an excuse - not that you are but, boy, you sure have reason!

And maybe he's just scared - and who knows where anyone's head is at at any time?

Hang on - you'll be okay.

Anytime a woman makes more money than a man - there are going to be problems with the relationship. In your case I can see what the problem is right off the bat. You're his surrogate mother and when you got pregnant - all bets were off and he wanted you to get rid of the baby. Remember Elvis Presley and Priscilla? He adored her and took care of her for years and then when she became pregnant - he never touched her sexually as he didn't want other kids. She was his princess and a baby changed everything for him.

He's not going to change one iota. It is you who will have to change as you are not his mommy anymore since baby came along (or will shortly). If he does not want anything to do with the baby - he's basically afraid he's lost his mommy. You are going to have to do more than yell or scream (as that is driving him away big time very quickly).

I am shocked he's in the military being so immmature, but then, what better job for him to have where he essentially has to really screw up to be fired and they put up with just about anything.

After 8 years of his shenanigans and you haven't learned how to handle them, I would say you never will learn as you are too hard headed and keep making excuses for him. ADD is a swell excuse. Keep using it. He's already got you trained, see?

He didn't want to put the crib together. It has nothing to do with ADD at all. He just does not want to be involved in a baby period and you made the mistake of getting pregnant. Possibly that was the allure you had for him in the first place, ever think of that?

Forcing a person into doing what you want them to do always backfires in your face. It will never work to force him as mommy and daddy never did from what I gather so he's just been skipping down the road doing anything he wants for years.

The fact you are pregnant, that's wonderful that you didn't have to resort to using an unknown sperm donor. My sister was told she could not get pregnant (as she only had one ovary) after she was married. She had 2 children. Her husband left her. He was in the military also and did not want any kids and that was why he married her in the first place. Some men just don't want kids period.

The fact you are high risk tells me you need to take good care of yourself. No, he's not just going to "come to your rescue" and save you at this time. The fact he does not ask about the baby is obvious that he does not care.

You are getting obsessed with him and his not wanting to be involved. Face it, he may never get involved.

Right now you need to concentrate on YOU and getting your baby here safely and stop trying to re-think him, his actions, his emotions. You can never really tell what's going on in another person's head - so stop trying and stop beating yourself up over it.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't shove him in.

[QUOTE=twinkiedooter]Anytime a woman makes more money than a man - there are going to be problems with the relationship. In your case I can see what the problem is right off the bat. You're his surrogate mother and when you got pregnant - all bets were off and he

After 8 years of his shenanigans and you haven't learned how to handle them, I would say you never will learn as you are too hard headed and keep making excuses for him. ADD is a swell excuse. Keep using it. He's already got you trained, see?

I don't believe a relationship in which the woman makes more than the man guarantees problems - a little too sexist for my taste.

And calling a woman in this position too hard headed and saying she will never learn is more than a little cruel to me, same with he has her trained, ADD is a swell excuse. Painful to read and I'm not even involved in the situation.

I certainly don't know this person but she seems to be trying to do her best and work her way through this. Name calling doesn't really help. Sometimes you just love the wrong man and have to work your way through it.

This is a little too psychological mumbo jumbo to me when none of us know the parties, a little too pat.

Back to the legal stuff -

I am going through almost the same thing... my daughter was born on Feb 3rd, she's 9 months old and hasn't seen her father since she was a week old. He was horrible during my pregnancy, did not want me to keep the baby either. When she was born, he saw her once in the hospital and again a few days later - not once since.

It's too late now and I don't know where you live but in my state they will not put the father on the birth certificate unless the parents are married. This can be amended if he signs a paternity affidavit but I was lucky enough to have a very smart nurse that told me not to let him sign it w/out a paternity test. I was 100% positive my daughter was his but the paternity test provides legal proof of paternity when it comes time to get the child support going.

With that said, I filed for child support when my daughter was 2 weeks old and have yet to see a penny so GOOD LUCK!

Even though you make more than him he still has that responsibility too be a father.I'm in the same situtation I'm pregnant nw and due in 2 months and the fathers an ,I wasn't able to have kids but it happened like I told the father I didn't get pergnant by myself.I think that if you are harder on him it could make him realize that either way he's that baby's dad, he will probably come to his sinces it might take awhile because my baby's father is bull headed and it may take a lot of energy to tell him what you feel but the way you say things to a person may change their mind.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nygiaallen

even though you make more than him he still has that responsiblity too be a father.I'm in the same situtation im pregnant nw and due in 2 months and the fathers an ,i wasnt able to have kids but it happened like i told the father i didnt get pergnant by myself.I think that if you are harder on him it could make him realize that either way he's that babys dad, he will probably come to his sinces it might take awhile because my babys father is bull headed and it may take alot of energy to tell him what you feel but the way you say things to a person may change their mind.

This post is from over a year ago - please keep an eye on the dates. This person has not been back in over a year.