Ask Me Help Desk - Wedding Issue

ATTN FROGGY7 - We can invite as many people as want to graduation. There is no limit because it is a small school. We are REQUIRED to attend graduation or else we don't get our diploma. Graduation is a really big deal for our school - it is attended by the majority of underclassmen as well. I'm not conceited or self centered.

By the way, just so you know. My husband and I set up this couple. It it weren't for us, they wouldn't have gotten together in the first place. I would be considerate enough to plan my wedding for a separate day if the person who set me and my husband up were graduating from college. I don't care if graduations are boring - its just common decency to not an event like a wedding on the day your best friend is graduating.

God forbid your friend plan her wedding with herself in mind. I can't imagine anybody doing that.

Her wedding is not all about you. In fact, it has nothing to do with you. You're not even in the wedding party, so it's clear that they don't see you as important as you do. Feel honored that they changed the time just for you, and then don't go... you clearly don't feel the friendship is important enough to you to ever do anything on your part.

I'm also calling shenanigans on your 'required to attend graduation to get a diploma' statement. You fulfill the requirements and don't owe them money directly, and they lose their accreditation if they refuse you a diploma. Either you don't know what you're talking about, or you're lying. I don't know which, but with your attitude here I'd give it even money either way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Green Eyes

ATTN FROGGY7 - We can invite as many people as want to graduation. There is no limit because it is a small school. We are REQUIRED to attend graduation or else we don't get our diploma. Graduation is a really big deal for our school - it is attended by the majority of underclassmen as well. I'm not conceited or self centered.

By the way, just so you know. My husband and I set up this couple. It it weren't for us, they wouldn't have gotten together in the first place. I would be considerate enough to plan my wedding for a separate day if the person who set me and my husband up were graduating from college. I don't care if graduations are boring - its just common decency to not an event like a wedding on the day your best friend is graduating.

Graduation may be a big deal for you and the school (as it should be), but it ranks pretty low on the scale of events I would want to attend for someone not extremely close to me. You keep talking about her as your best friend AFTER she bowed out on your wedding. Seems to me the best friend relationship is kind of one-sided.

You can protest all you want about not being conceited or self-centered, but your words tell the true story. Your mentioning that you set the two of them up as if they owe you a huge debt is just another example. You really need to be a bit more introspective and try to look at your real feelings here.

Graduating college is a big deal. You have worked hard to educate yourself - so you can be a successful person. Be proud of that. I didn't get that you were inviting a lot of people to the event - so I don't know where all of that is coming from.
I got that you wanted to see if she could shift the time in order for you to attend HER event. She has done that. So now you have a choice to make. Honestly, I would not go. Just because there sounds like there is hurt feelings on both sides. But know that by not going you will probably be putting the last nail in the coffin of this friendship. If you are ready to move on in your life with out this friend - then fine.
Like I have said before - this friendship may have just run it's course. Be happy that you had a good friend in your life for as long as you have and move on.

Ok, here's the whole story if you want to know. I wanted to avoid this but apparently since people think I'm conceited I should tell the entire story. I will call this friend Gloria. Gloria and I were best friends since we were 11 years old. We went to school together in middle school but we went to separate high schools. We were always together on the weekends. It was this way until I went to college (and I started working on the weekends). We went on double dates, I set her up with her fiancé and we talked all the time. Everything was fine.

I went to college (about 35 minutes away) and Gloria stopped calling me. I would call her every week to two weeks to see how she was doing. If she didn't answer I'd leave a message and she wouldn't return my calls. She'd rarely answer my calls and even more rarely return my calls. I would casually ask her why she didn't return my calls and she just said she was busy. I invited her to visit me on campus but she never did. Her parents are kind of strange so I thought they might have something to do with it. I still continued to treat her as I always had. I came home for the summer and things were a little more back to normal but not completely as they had been. We saw each other several times over the summer and she acted normal in person. I still considered her a very good friend.

Later that year, I got engaged. She seemed happy for me. By this point, she had graduated from beauty school and was working in a salon. I planned on having a small wedding but I still wanted a few bridesmaids. I asked her to be a bridesmaid to which she said yes. Her future fiancé was also a groomsman. She went to look at wedding dresses and bridesmaid dresses with me. She also started returning more of my calls. I thought things were better. When I picked out shoes for the bridesmaids, she started complaining about having to buy shoes. They were only $30 and the bridesmaid dresses I picked out were less than $200. I was not asking anyone to have their hair or nails done or to buy jewelry (I was buying that for the bridesmaids). The total costs with alterations would have been less than $250. Keep in mind, I got engaged in 2004 and immediately started planning but did not get married until over two years later. This was plenty of time to save money.

After she got engaged, we had a lot to talk about since we were both planning weddings. I planned to have my reception at our local country club. During one of our phone calls, she started asking me about the reception so I told her the location and the tyep of food I was having (heavy hors'deurves). From that point on, she made comments about the food I chose - about how she wasn't going to like any of it. She continued making comments about the shoes and the prices of the dresses and just other negative comments about my wedding in general. I didn't really know what to do about this so I just let it slide. I sent her two very nice cards during the next summer telling her I valued her friendship and I missed seeing her (we still saw each other but not as often as we did in high school & middle school).

Things continued as they were - she would talk to me but in each conversation she chose to complain about my wedding. We talked about all of this before she set a date for her wedding. When she told me she was thinking about May or June 2007, I reminded her that I graduated in June 2007. I gave her the day and time. When I told her this, I still considered her one of my very best friends. I didn't really know why she had been acting this way but I still thought of her as a great friend (I'm very loyal). She was still a bridesmaid of mine at this point and I thought she was going to ask me to be a bridesmaid. A few days later she told me the date of her wedding (the same day as my grad.) and during the same time as my graduation. I told her I wouldn't even be able to attend the wedding if it were at that time. She told me I could come late or just come to the reception. Her exact words to me where "just bite the bullet and come late." No one with good manners goes to a wedding late. The last person that is supposed to be seated is the mother of the bride. I was really shocked that she said that to me and it upset me. I was really beginning to wonder what was going on.

Then my aunt went to Gloria to get her hair and nails done. While she was doing my aunts nails, Gloria told my aunt the following. Gloria told my aunt that she didn't want to be in my wedding so my aunt asked why. Gloria told her I had changed since I went to college. What's interesting about this is that I was engaged to the guy I dated in high school and I continued working for the same company (just diff. hours). I even saw a good friend from high school during our sophomore year of college - she told me that after we talked she told her sister I hadn't changed a bit since high school. I still have all of my other friends from high school and I still see them on a regular basis in addition to new friends from college. She also told my aunt that I had never asked her to be in my wedding (which I did - I specifically made it a point to ask each bridesmaid). She also said that everyone that worked at my place of work was snobs (her father was fired from the same company that I work for because his background check showed he had embezzled money from the company he used to work for). What's even more unusual is that several of her parents friends work for this same company and still work there as do I. She told my aunt that the dresses were too expensive and she didn't like having to buy shoes. SHe told my aunt that I was bragging about having my reception at the country club (my aunt didn't even know where the reception going to be until Gloria told her). She continued to tell my aunt things that she knew weren't true. My aunt told me all of this because she knew of the dilemma I had with Gloria over the past year.

My birthday was right about the time this happened. Instead of bringing me my present or meeting for lunch as we usually did on one of our birthdays, she sent my present with my fiancé (who had stopped to pick up flowers at the florist next to where she works). I was very upset by this point and since I knew she didn't want to be in my wedding, I no longer wanted her in it. I invited her to lunch and we had a nice conversation. As the topic progressed to weddings, I asked her if she really wanted to be in my wedding. She told me she wanted to be in it but she thought the dresses were expensive (no one else thought they were expensive). I told her I thought I had given them plenty of time to save and I didn't mean to put any financial pressure on her. She continued to tell me she wanted to be in the wedding (after she told my aunt she didn't want to be in my wedding). I felt bad about her financial situation so I told my mom about it. My parents offered to pay for her dress, shoes and alterations. I called Gloria and told her this but she refused to take up the offer and said she still wanted to be in the wedding. I didn't talk to her for a couple of weeks and then out of the blue, she emailed me telling me she didn't want to be in my wedding. Then a few weeks later her fiancé called my fiancé and said he didn't want to be in our wedding because Gloria wasn't going to be in it. Gloria never called me or emailed me after this. I didn't contact her either.

A few months later, I saw her in a check out line at Walmart. I went to the line with no wait and I waved to her (she was on her cell phone). I put my items down and when I looked up she was gone. That was the last time I saw or heard from her until I got a wedding invitation. If you still think I'm conceited that's too bad. I was a very, very loyal friend to this person - even when she acted strange. I really just wanted to go the wedding and a be a part of the festivities. I set her up with this guy and I really wanted to get to see them get married because I thought we were good friends. I think its fair to say that I didn't want to be rushed on my grad day. My parents will want pictures and I'll want to say good-bye to people I've spent 4 years with. Our college also reveals secret societies immediately after graduation is over. This is a very small private liberal arts college in the southaest. For my high school grad, we only got 8 tickets - I considered Gloria important enough to get one of them (I also attended her high school grad at another school) so I automatically thought that she would want to attend my college grad also. Obviously, I was wrong since she planned her wedding for the same day. I just know that I would have never planned my wedding for the day she graduated. I would have expected the same courtesy based on the friendship we had shared. I wasn't thinking I was conceited or that my grad was more important, I just knew that I would have never done that to her. I would have respected her choices more than that. If you still feel I'm conceited, then you're wrong and I refuse to continue to discuss this with you.

When she said you changed - it probably meant you weren't as available to her anymore. People change - friendships change.
It sounds to me that she has hurt your feelings - a lot. And if she had an issue with the price of being in your wedding - she could have been more direct in telling you. Instead of just complaining. The cost of dresses and shoes, etc. are pretty normal.

I guess my question for you is this - how do you want this to work out? In a perfect world - what would be the best solution?

Sorry, but this doesn't really change my opinion. What it does tell me is that she has changed. You went to college, she went to beauty school. You were having your wedding at the local country club, hers is at a nursing home! It doesn't take much to see the signs here.

Frankly, I don't believe it when you say you haven't changed. But I believe she has undergone the bigger changes and not for the better. She is clearly jealous of you and that jealousy is getting in the way of your friendship. I tink if you weren't as self centered as I believe you are, you would have seen this. Don't know, however, if you could have done anything about it.

I'll finish by saying I don't believe you are very much more self-centered then most people. But I think you should have seen the very obvious signs.

Green Eyes. As the guard from the Wizard of Oz said, "That's a horse of a different color." First, please understand that this is an open forum and as such, you are going to get differing opinions, because we each pick up and "read" a post differently. I am glad that you took the time to explain the situation to us. It puts things in better perspective for me.

I don't quite agree with ScottGem in his latest post. MWAH Scott, you know I love you but until you are a woman, you just won't understand. LOL

Well, Green Eyes, you can pretty much kiss the "best friends" scenario goodbye. Your friend feels that you have changed because to her, you have. Of course you are basically the same person you always were. But, you have changed in that you have moved up in the world. You planned on, and have, earned a full degree, and you are moving on. She has not. There is a jealousy factor that is at play and she may not recognize it or be aware of the extent of it. The expense of the shoes and dress were just an excuse. You were getting a wedding that she cannot afford to have. She was very petty to say what she did about the food. But, then she was petty and small by virtue of the way she has handled this whole situation. She should have been a true friend and have been excited for you. She was not. She was finding things to nitpick about because she just could not do what you have done and are doing. Since she could not earn a standard 4 year degree (for whatever reason) and cannot afford to have what you had for a wedding, she may feel justified in her actions. She may feel that you are being too "uppity", which could be the reason why she stated you have changed. Understand that what she has done is NOT acceptable. She is not justified in her actions at all. Her jealousy is a sign of immaturity and selfishness.

She chose the date of your graduation because she really does not want you there. She made the slight concession of the time trying to appear to be the bigger person. She knew darn well that this would still create a problem for you. She is being extremely childish and immature. She is not being a "best friend." As angry as you are, you have to accept this. You need to move on. At this point in your lives, this friendship is not salvageable. Maybe one day in the future, it will be. But, for now, her obvious jealousy of you will not change. She wanted you to stay in, and be in, the same place she has been in and stayed in. You going to college changed that for her. She is not capable of seeing she is wrong. She no longer views you as her childhood friend but as someone who only cares for herself and her needs.

The path you have chosen to follow is absolutely right for you, and you should have no regrets or doubts about that. You have nothing to feel sorry for or feel guilty over. She needs to grow up. I can guarantee that you will find as you both grow older, that she will be in the same stagnant position for a long time, if not the remainder of her life. If she ever realizes the mistake she has made, it won't happen until she is much older. By that time, it will probably be too late to mend fences. You will have moved on. You both will be leading very different lives.

Please don't waste anymore of your time on this. I know it is hard to accept. It hurts. But, the fact is, this does occur in many of our lives. Childhood friendships don't always stand the test of time. I can tell you this from personal experience. Although the interaction is somewhat different, pretty much the same thing happened to me. When my friend did realize that she had made a mistake, it was just too late. Close to 20 years had gone by. It wasn't because I wasn't willing to forgive, it was just that I had moved on so completely that I just didn't have any room in my life for her. I didn't have the time or the interest to try to reestablish an old friendship that I wasn't sure would prove out, in time, to have the same issues again.

LOL ScottGem. I think "Green Eyes" deep down, knew jealousy was a factor here. I had the same feeling about the name chosen. But, please don't misunderstand me, I didn't say we completely disagree. I said I don't quite agree. Big difference my dear. ;)
I don't think her friend changed at all. I think that is the crux of the problem. The friend has stayed the same while Green Eyes has moved on. I also don't think the poster is as self-centered and conceited as you have stated. After all, aren't we all a little self-centered and conceited to some degree? If we weren't, we would not be human. It is part of our self-survival mechanisms. But, I think we pretty much agree on everything else. Xxxooo and another MWAH for you Scotty.

Man, you guys are deep! I just thought she probably had a set of green eyes in her head.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RubyPitbull

I don't think her friend changed at all. I think that is the crux of the problem. The friend has stayed the same while Green Eyes has moved on. I also don't think the poster is as self-centered and conceited as you have stated. After all, aren't we all a little self-centered and conceited to some degree? If we weren't, we would not be human. It is part of our self-survival mechanisms. But, I think we pretty much agree on everything else. xxxooo and another MWAH for you Scotty.

Oh I totally agree. That's why I said what I did in my last response. Most of us who answer questions here have to have a higher level of conceit. It goes with the territory. Otherwise, why would we think our advice would be worth the giving? The difference between me and the OP is I recognize my conceit and don't try to deny it.

I suspected the green-eyed monster early on. But as soon as I saw that she was graduating college while her friend was working as a beautician (to all you beauticians out there, this is not a put down, it's the friend of the OP who sees herself as less than her friend, its not justified IMHO). Then add the country club wedding and the situation was clear as glass.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScottGem

Oh I totally agree. That's why I said what I did in my last response. Most of us who answer questions here have to have a higher level of conceit. It goes with the territory. Otherwise, why would we think our advice would be worth the giving? The difference between me and the OP is I recognize my conceit and don't try to deny it.

I recognized your conceit too. Umm, er, I mean mine! :p heehee

I think you are right. I am absolutely conceited and self-centered. That is why I hang around here. I will add that I am also a blow hard. I recognize it and bask in the glory of my own self-delusions.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NowWhat

Graduating college is a big deal. You have worked hard to educate yourself - so you can be a successful person. Be proud of that. I didn't get that you were inviting alot of people to the event - so I don't know where all of that is coming from.
I got that you wanted to see if she could shift the time in order for you to attend HER event. She has done that. So now you have a choice to make. Honestly, I would not go. Just because there sounds like there is hurt feelings on both sides. But know that by not going you will probably be putting the last nail in the coffin of this friendship. If you are ready to move on in your life with out this friend - then fine.
Like I have said before - this friendship may have just run it's course. Be happy that you had a good friend in your life for as long as you have and move on.

I will say this... if I rearranged my wedding just so that someone who claims to be my best friend could go, and they did NOT go, no way in the world would I ever have anything to do with them in the future. The bride-to-be is making a major concilitory move here, and to refuse to go after that is an extreme insult. If I'd been the bride, it would have been "I'm so sorry you can't make the wedding, but I hope that you can come to the reception at least."

Quote:

Originally Posted by RubyPitbull

LOL ScottGem. I think "Green Eyes" deep down, knew jealousy was a factor here. I had the same feeling about the name chosen. But, please don't misunderstand me, I didn't say we completely disagree. I said I don't quite agree. Big difference my dear. ;)
I don't think her friend changed at all. I think that is the crux of the problem. The friend has stayed the same while Green Eyes has moved on. I also don't think the poster is as self-centered and conceited as you have stated. After all, aren't we all a little self-centered and conceited to some degree? If we weren't, we would not be human. It is part of our self-survival mechanisms. But, I think we pretty much agree on everything else. xxxooo and another MWAH for you Scotty.

Be fair now. I find it hard to say that only one of these two has moved on. I don't know anything about the friend "Gloria", obviously, because she's not the one posting, but I do wonder how she would describe the situation if she were. She may very well have grown in ways that Greeneyes hasn't. Gloria is, after all, out working in the real world, and sounds like she doesn't come from a very stable family life. If she's supporting herself on a beautician's wages, that 250 for being a bridesmaid might be a lot more than it is to Greeneyes. And pride might make her not want to let someone else pay. I was very prickly when I first went to college, and tore up a check that my mom sent me to pay for my airfare home because I felt it was my responsibility as a new, responsible adult to pay my own way. Silly, now that I think back on it. But the early years out on your own are a time when you are trying to define new roles and lifestyles, and things can get blown out of proportion easier than later in life. And it is, perhaps, just slightly possible that Greeneyes, after 4 years in a small, private liberal arts college (with secret societies, no less!), has developed some attitudes and behaviors that she didn't have in high scool, true? It seems to me that Gloria may have been trying to let the friendship just gradually fade out (not returning phone calls, etc.), and may have felt trapped when faced with Greeneyes in person. But it does seem, no matter how you slice it, that these two have grown apart.

But I'm still wondering why, since Greeneyes apparently knew months in advance that Gloria was planning her wedding for the same time as her graduation, she didn't just say "I'm so sorry, I won't be able to attend. I do hope that you have a lovely time and wish you all the best." Especially since she hadn't heard from Gloria for those several months.

Quote:

Originally Posted by froggy7

Be fair now.
But I'm still wondering why, since Greeneyes apparently knew months in advance that Gloria was planning her wedding for the same time as her graduation, she didn't just say "I'm so sorry, I won't be able to attend. I do hope that you have a lovely time and wish you all the best." Especially since she hadn't heard from Gloria for those several months.

Your suggested response would have been perfect, but that did not occur to G.E. and it did not happen. It is easy for us, as objective older third parties to see how the situation should have been handled. She is still emotionally attached to Gloria and therefore, responded from that standpoint. It is most probable that you are correct in your analysis that Gloria was trying to let the friendship fade out. However, Greeneyes was still trying to salvage the friendship and was upset and confused by what Gloria was doing. In light of this, it is understandable that she responded the way she did.

I don't fully disagree with your take froggy, and I always try to be fair. Obviously, we are only seeing one side of the story. "Gloria" didn't post. Green Eyes did. She is the one reading the responses. She needs people to point out that the friendship is over. Whether Gloria changed or not, well, you could be absolutely right. You present a good case here and I concede to both you and Scott that, what has been oulined has most likely occurred. But, it is obvious to us all that they have grown apart. For G.E.'s part, as with anyone her age, it is very hard to accept something so final when you have known and hung out with someone for the better part of your life.

I understand what you are saying about the amount of money being a huge deal for a hairdresser. But, the fact is, in today's world, those costs are a bargain for a wedding expense. We can only respond based upon the information given to us by Green Eyes. Gloria did not handle herself well if we take Green Eyes post as gospel. From my point of view, we must advise based upon the information given. Is it fair? Most likely not. You could be right on the money about the situation. Gloria could be prideful. She could also very well feel that Green Eyes is being condescending to her. But, I don't believe it is helpful to Green Eyes at this point in time to state those things. It is obvious that she believes she handled this correctly and feels that she is not conceited, as she angrily pointed out to Scott. We have hit a brick wall with that one. No need to keep on pounding away at it.

Regarding Gloria's wedding, it is apparent Green Eyes is upset over this whole affair. I could be wrong and Gloria could very well regard the pushing back of the time of her wedding as a concession to G.E. But, it is also obvious that this was never acceptable to G.E. She wants to feel free to attend her graduation without guilt. She should be able to do so. Yes, by not showing up, this will cement the end of the friendship. But, we know it already has ended. Is it rude? I don't know. Again, if we take what G.E. is saying as the truth, Gloria planned her wedding knowing her friend was graduating that day. That says a lot.

The bottom line is, Green Eyes is having a hard time accepting the death of this friendship. She is holding onto her anger at her friend because she doesn't know how to just let it go. Not uncommon for a lot of people. Rationality and logic are so hard to find when you are so emotional invested in a relationship. So, in the end, she is just looking for confirmation (unconsciously?) from us that she shouldn't feel guilty for not attending the wedding. And, considering what we have been told has transpired, she shouldn't feel guilty.

Haha I love that, yeah probably true though

People change, friendships change too. I think she may have had some jealousy issues with the fact that you went off to college, made new friends, had a great job. Then compound it with both weddings. But bygones. I think you should go to your graduation, enjoy the moment and then hop over to the reception. She is an old friend, she invited you and I think you want to see her get married. Then if you can patch up your friendship, fantastic, if not, let it be. It sounds like you have a very full life and shouldn't spend too much time analyzing it!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Green Eyes

I graduate on a Saturday in June and someone who I thought was my best friend decided to get married on this same Saturday. I informed her that the time of my graduation was at 12:00 and politely told her I would like to attend her wedding so would she mind having it later in the day. She told me she planned to have the wedding at 12:30. She then told me I could come to the wedding late.

She was supposed to be in my wedding in April but backed out several months before the event (she backed out of my wedding by sending me an email telling me she didn't want to be in it). We haven't spoken or seen each other since her email to me. However, she just mailed me a wedding invitation with a new time of 3:30 pm (after my graduation is over). She apparently changed the time after we stopped speaking. Would it be rude of me to go? Was it rude of her to send me an invitation?

She sent you an invitation and changed the time...
So I think she makes an effort.