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Ok, so here is the story:
My sister lives 300 miles from me. She is going to a concert in a town that is 12 miles from me. Am I in the wrong for being irritated that she is just going there and going back home? Is it wrong of me to get mad that she can't stop by and at least have dinner with me before going home? The last time I saw her was 3 months ago, and I went there for three days. Am I being immature?
If she has a busy schedule that she doesn't have time. Like say the concert is Friday night, she gets off work Friday night and gets to the concert just in time. Then she has to be somewhere first thing Saturday morning. Have you offered for her to spend a night or two if that would help her change her mind? Has she given any reason for not stopping by?
Did you invite her after you found out about the concert and she declined or did you find out after the concert that she didn't stop or call when she was in the area?
She's going to be there three days, the concert is one day. Her and her boyfriend are going to be hanging out with HIS friends the other two days. She says that she doesn't have the money to do things with me when she'd be visiting, so she doesn't want to visit. Then she called me selfish. How does that make sense?
Immature, no, Hurt, well you don't need justification for how you feel, and if you feel hurt, then, well, you do.
Ask her why she can't stop by, maybe there's a good reason. Tell her that you would really like to see her, that you miss her and that it's been 3 months since you two saw each other. Communicate your feelings openly, that's the only way to go.
Big hugs.
Alty.
I did communicate, and she said that I am being selfish and dramatic. She's not coming, because she says that she doesn't have the money.Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
I don't understand your question. She has not yet gone to the concert.Quote:
Originally Posted by twinkiedooter
Yeah it doesn't take more than a little gas to stop and say hi.
Maybe she feels like she doesn't want to inconvenience her boyfriend. I think that is why my one daughter will not visit me and she lives about a mile and a half away.
Money for what, it's 12 miles, that's silly. Obviously something else is going on.
I say accept it, move on and then talk to her later about it.
How old is she?
Chi, My feelings would be hurt. She could visit for a couple of hours at least money or no money.
If you and your sis have a good relationship otherwise, don't let it bother you. She is going with her boy friend and they have plans with his friends. I don't see a problem, but if you're hurt, you're hurt, but don't let it run away with you. Don't let it put a dent in the relationship.
I feel the same way Bushg, even though I don't have siblings. :)
If she's young she might just not understand why it's important to you.
She just turned 21, she is 16 months younger than me...Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
Do you have siblings? If so, how long has it been since you've seen them/him/her?Quote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
She and her boyfriend have plans with his friends, she sounds young. While I don't understand her reasoning (maybe his friends are footing the bill, maybe they don't have the money, who knows) I would not be upset over it.
CM, you are very mature for your age (take it as a compliment because it is). Most people in their early 20's are very immature and self centered, it's all about them and their wants and needs, sounds like your sister is going through a me phase, it will pass, just give it time. :)
Her boyfriend is paying. What money does she need to drive 12 miles and have lunch with her sister? I would pay her gas and the meal, she knows that. Age has nothing to do with this.Quote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
Also, you didn't answer my other questions...
How about you going to where she is and taking her out to lunch?
Yes, I have a brother and a sister. I just saw my sister last week, but before then it was several months. I didn't see my brother, but I talked to him. He has a young son he is raising alone and works full time and just could not get away to see me while I was at my sister's. I didn't think anything of it.
My sister was near my town last fall. She came to see a play with a group of friends and if she tried really hard she maybe could have gotten away to see me, but I would not have even asked her to. She was there with other people to see a play, not to see me.
She and I are really close, we live almost 300 miles apart, but we talk to each other every day.
I'm not saying you should not be hurt, I'm just saying pick your battles wisely. Life is too short to be angry with a loved one over something that is not that big a deal
I offered, she said that she has plans, and doesn't have the money to go out with me. I don't know what her problem is. I'm just assuming that she doesn't want her sister imposing on her plans. So I dropped it. She knows that I am hurt, and doesn't seem to care.Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
Kind of a back story. We are our only family. We disowned our mother (LONG story), and our father passed away, disowned Grandmother as well (same reason as mom). So, this hurts me more than it may someone else...
I see where you are coming from, but the pressure to keep the only family I have intact might be more. I basically raised her. I just think its rude.Quote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
Yeah maybe, but if she is young, she may not see it as such. Your perspective and her's maybe on two different levels.
When all this is over, you can call her and let her know you were dissapointed and explain why, but don't expect her to understand you perspective.
How much younger is she than you?
I already posted that, she is 16 months younger than me.
Okay, maybe she feels that bad that she doesn't have the money for gas or to go out to lunch. Maybe she feels that she may be taking you for a free ride on the gas money and lunch money. If y'all are as close as you are, then she knows how tight things have been with you lately with the job search, and the raise on the rent and all.
Maybe she would just feel guilty "taking" your money at this time. I'd drop it. Sure it hurts, and you have every right to feel bad about it, but think of it from a different side.
I see what you are saying, I can afford a gallon of gas, and lunch though. I am doing much better financially now. She knows that. I just honestly think that she doesn't want her sister ruining her fun trip. Whatever. I've dropped it.Quote:
Originally Posted by J_9
I agree with J_9 my mother is like that and some other people I know. Even if they know you have money they feel they are imposing. Also I think the fact she wants it to be time with his family she doesn't want to take away from that as his special time.
It's his friends, not his family. I'm sorry but I think that family is far more important than friends or a boyfriend. Perhaps this is why I am upset about this.
I'm sorry, I didn't see it where you gave her age.
That explains a lot of it. She is young, and she has not had the responsibility of helping to raise you, she is not going to have that sense of responsibility.
It's like a child who does not react in a way a parent thinks they should have over a gift given or something for them. The parent may have sacrificed something to get it or do it, but maybe the child did not want it as much as the parent wanted to give it.
People are not always going to do want we want or think they should, we can only control our reaction and choose our battle. Do we let this make a big difference in the relationship or will we just let it go.
She may come to see (on her own) that she should make an effort, or it could be her boy friend has told her we don't have time or he doesn't want to, you never know.
Try not to let this upset you, there are bound to be other battles in the future.
I can empathize with your feelings, now. Years ago, my sister who is 18 months older than me sounded just like you. I was selfish and didn't care how she felt at the time. Now that we're older, we get together as much as possible. Let it go. You know she loves you. She'll be back.
Of course you do, you helped to raise her and I'm sure you sacrificed some to do so. She is on a different wave length.Quote:
Originally Posted by ChihuahuaMomma
A lot of women put boy friends ahead of family all the time, they even put them ahead of their children. She is 21 and having fun with her boyfriend and his friends is important to her. She will grow up and mature and one day feel bad that she did this or maybe she won't. But you'll hopefully get past it and not let it get in the way of your relationship.
Okay, here comes my reddie.
After 3 going on 4 pages, with wonderful advice, it does indeed sound like you are starting to be selfish. You just can't let it go.
She has her reasons whatever they may be. As you know, we don't know what she is thinking or why she is doing this to you. But she is. So, it's time to just let it go and chalk it up to her not being as mature as you are.
It is apparent that you are more mature, and that came with you having to practically raise her. If the shoe was on the other foot, she would be the more mature one in this situation.
As you know, you can't control other people's behavior. She's still a teen and you are mature beyond your years.
Let it go, in time it she may come to realize that she hurt your feelings by doing this. Is it wrong to be hurt? No, but is it wrong to continue carrying on this way? Well... you decide for yourself.
I've already said that I've let it go. I have. She's not a teen, she's 21.
Then what are we still doing here?Quote:
Originally Posted by ChihuahuaMomma
I don't know. Every time I say I've dropped it, someone else has something to say.
Hi chi'... I am sorry but if she can travel nearly 300 miles to watch a concert ,then she can come 12 to see her sister... I'd be very hurt.
I'm trying to search my brain for a reason why! Especially since she's there for 3 days, even if it's something to do with her boyfriend, surely she could say ," look i need to see my sis' to catch up find out how she is, it's been 3 months now."
If you've invited her to stay at yours for the night, and she's said no, then there's not much else you can do, at least you offered.
Your definitely not the selfish one here, when the chance comes ask her what the problem was... in my book it would have to be pretty important.
When you do see her, tell her you didn't necessarily need to go out and do things, just a girly night in with my sister would have been enough.
Takecare
You are not being selfish. You want to see your sister and she is going to be in the area. Why wouldn't she come see you? Are you not that close?
Please read the post before answering. Your questions were answered here.Quote:
Originally Posted by maje3
Yeah, there were like 5 pages of posts so I didn't read them all. I just wanted to say that I don't think you were being selfish for wanting to see your sister.
There's four pages, and if you post on a thread you should read the whole thing so you aren't asking questions that have already been asked and answered. But thank you.
Your welcome and thank you too. This is actually the first time I ever posted anywhere and I guess I'm getting a crash course. :)
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