My son was just shy of being 19 years old when he got his girlfriend pregnant. When she came to tell us, she said I don't care what you think. Well, needless to say for 6 months we tried to tell our son to stay in college and we would pay for his education, he broke curfew on a daily basis and didn't give us the courtesy to tell us where he was at. I would ask him to give his younger sister a ride to school and he wouldn't. He told us his girlfriend didn't want him giving the "fat pig" a ride to school. He was not doing his chores at home and he went from being a great son, to a disrespectful son. He told us we weren't his family. My husband and I worked hard to be great parents and had a great family life until this situation. It has been over two years and we have tried to communicate with him and he ignores us. Our daughter is not in college and he has no relationship with her. Should we just stop texting him? Should we continue? I'm lost.

Is he still living with you? I can't tell.

For one thing I'd stop supporting him. He wants to make it on his own, he should do just that.

He sounds like he's controlled by his girlfriend and other than not enabling him I have no idea how to break that hold she has over him.

Time changes things, of course.

No, he is not living with us. In December of 2008 after another night of coming home at 1am, I asked for the car keys telling him it was a privilege he was abusing and that he no longer had permission to use the car. He refused to give me the keys. I told him if he used the car, I would report it stolen because I was tired of his disrespect and cursing at me and his emotional and verbal abuse to his sister. At that point, he approached me as though he wanted to hit me and my daughter stepped in telling him "what are you doing?". At that point my husband told him, son what were you thinking? He sat and tried to talk to him again and basically my son told him to "EFF OFF" so my husband asked him to move out immediately because it wasn't healthy for any of us. He left and wants nothing to do with us. He have tried to contact him on his birthday, or just say hello how are you, but get very negative responses.

It will break your heart a bit, but give him space for now. Once a week or so, send him a generic text that you are thinking of him or wishing him well, but otherwise, live your life without him. As Judy said, things change over time. I'm betting he will eventually grow up and be back in your life. Meanwhile, don't push his envelope.

I still feel we did the right thing considering we had a 15 year old girl at home and she needed to know that we would not allow anyone to disrespect us in our home and set an example to her. However, my husband has four sisters and they all feel we turned our back on our son. For the last two years they have had no contact with our daughter. She graduated last year and she didn't want any of her aunts there. I felt she had every right to not want them there. My husband called them and told them not to come and they were offended and kept texting my daughter that because of her parents, they were not there. I asked her not to reply and no matter what they were her aunts and I didn't want her to show them any disrespect. The aunts told off my husband and they have not spoken in two years either. They were very close as a family and I can't believe that my sons behavior has caused all this pain. I wish they kept out of it as we never got involved with their parenting in their homes. My husband and I have stuck together and has made us stronger and we focus on our daughter who is doing great! We are so proud of her and she supports what we did as parents. I just wish he could understand and just come around and say "I'm sorry"... then we would be able to start repairing this family.

Thank you... this time of year is just so hard with Mother's Day. I really sacraficed and made sure to be at every game, team Mom and my motto was creating memories. We had such a close relationship that its really hard to accept his hate towards me. He seems to reflect all his anger towards me.

I also text him yesterday that I was having surgery this week and that I wanted him to know that I loved him and I never received a response... Part of me says I should just stop texting him. I only text because if I call him he won't answer the phone. It seems like he has my and his dad's numbers in a special category that goes straight into his voicemail.

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Originally Posted by sadmom9

I still feel we did the right thing considering we had a 15 year old girl at home and she needed to know that we would not allow anyone to disrespect us in our home and set an example to her. However, my husband has four sisters and they all feel we turned our back on our son. For the last two years they have had no contact with our daughter. She graduated last year and she didn't want any of her aunts there. I felt she had every right to not want them there. My husband called them and told them not to come and they were offended and kept texting my daughter that because of her parents, they were not there. I asked her not to reply and no matter what they were her aunts and I didn't want her to show them any disrespect. The aunts told off my husband and they have not spoken in two years either. They were very close as a family and I can't believe that my sons behavior has caused all this pain. I wish they kept out of it as we never got involved with their parenting in their homes. My husband and I have stuck together and has made us stronger and we focus on our daughter who is doing great!! We are so proud of her and she supports what we did as parents. I just wish he could understand and just come around and say "I'm sorry".....then we would be able to start repairing this family.

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I think this was a big mistake - asking her aunts not to come to her graduating was disrespecting them, shunning them. Whether they took his side, her side, anyone else's side they were at least making a superficial attempt to be "family" and they got told in no uncertain terms not to show up.

I think it's a mistake to be "proud" of your daughter for turning her aunts away from her graduation due to some other family issues.

I don't know that your son is the only one who has to say "I'm sorry." He very obviously thinks you made mistakes, too. Does anyone have to say, "I'm sorry"? I know it's hard to start over with an open issue on the table but some people just don't or can't or won't say the "sorry" word.

I would give everyone time to cool off.

I was having surgery this week
I hope all will go well and that you will recover quickly.

Rather than text him again and again, maybe give it a rest for a while? You know he won't answer, so why continue to make yourself miserable, hoping for a reply that never comes.

Do like we tell people in romantic relationships that have gone sour -- do No Contact with him. It might make him curious.

I really sacraficed and made sure to be at every game, team Mom and my motto was creating memories.

But that's what moms are supposed to do -- put their kids first and sacrifice until there is no blood left. I hope you don't shove your sacrifices in his face and constantly remind him that you created so many memories for him. That for sure would be a big turnoff and makes you look like a martyr.

My daughter didn't want them at her graduation because of many different reasons one of them being that all four of them told off her dad. You have to understand that my husband is the most loving, patient and loyal person I know. Her aunts never contacted her when she was in the hospital to see how she was or inquired and I can understand that she was hurt by them. If they really wanted to be part of her life why weren't they there from the beginning when all this started? Why only want to come to her graduation? Why didn't they attempt to try and have a discussion with us prior to the graduation? Their children had graduations during this time and my none of us were invited. Why are we the only "bad" ones... We have no problem saying "sorry" to our son and have told him multiple times and that we ALL said harmful things and that we need to move on...

I hadn't text him since last October and I thought we had opened a line of communication at that time. However, I only text him last night because I had been crying and miss him terribly. Since my husband seems to think maybe he needs to hear from me more often I felt I would give it a try. My husband misses his son terribly and he texts him much more often than I. Recently, my husband text him that a letter came in the mail and opened it not realizing that it belonged to him and said I'm sorry for opening it. His response was I should report you for the federal offense and have you arrested like mom was going to do to me.

No, that's just it we really have not spoken in over two years. The only thing I said that night was that I was really hurt by his comments that we were not his family. I told him we would always be his family and that I loved him and that was right after he tried to hit me.

Your son is a father now himself in time as he matures he will see his part on his behaviour on that night, his view on the world is going to change.

Its anyone's guess how long I will be but the day will come.

Your grandparents now, your daughter an aunt, sending a text once a week as wondergirl suggested is a good idea, perhaps a birthday card for the baby, it may be binned, but as least they can't say you don't care.

My daughter didn't want them at her graduation because of many different reasons one of them being that all four of them told off her dad. You have to understand that my husband is the most loving, patient and loyal person I know. Her aunts never contacted her when she was in the hospital to see how she was or inquired and I can understand that she was hurt by them. If they really wanted to be part of her life why weren't they there from the beginning when all this started? Why only want to come to her graduation? Why didn't they attempt to try and have a discussion with us prior to the graduation? Their children had graduations during this time and my none of us were invited. Why are we the only "bad" ones......We have no problem saying "sorry" to our son and have told him multiple times and that we ALL said harmful things and that we need to move on....


Just my opinion but your daughter should not be made part of your husband's arguments with his sisters. Those are adult problems, out of her control.

I don't know why they weren't there from the beginning. Presumably they do. Ask them.

If people never spoke to people who insulted their family members or disappointed them in some way no one on the Planet would be speaking to anyone else on the Planet.

I see a lot of blame and explaining and very little moving forward.

I would think you would all move forward as a family, not tear each other apart. What they did and do, who they invite or don't invite - I think you had an opportunity to be a bigger, better person. Getting back at them by un-inviting them is high school stuff (at least in my eyes).

And I'll tell you very specifically where I'm coming from - my husband died at a young age. I was left a widow. Thank goodness I had the support of his family. Yes, we all had disagreements at times but we stuck together. Terrible things can happen and then it's too late. I'd keep that in mind.

I hadn't text him since last October and I thought we had opened a line of communication at that time. However, I only text him last night because I had been crying and miss him terribly. Since my husband seems to think maybe he needs to hear from me more often I felt I would give it a try. My husband misses his son terribly and he texts him much more often than I. Recently, my husband text him that a letter came in the mail and opened it not realizing that it belonged to him and said I'm sorry for opening it. His response was I should report you for the federal offense and have you arrested like mom was going to do to me.


You threatened to have your son arrested? I'm beginning to think this problem is not as "simple" as it first seemed.

Have you tried counselling?

Yes, we have gone to counselling and they both agreed the best thing was for him to move out because it wasn't healthy for anyone. They said time will heal all wounds, but it's still hard. When you're angry you sometimes say things you don't mean and yes, that was one of them. I was tired of him coming home drunk, I had found a drug pipe in his room, he had been verbally and emotionally abusing his 15 year old sister. He had tried to hit her too. I had told him if he took the car I would report it stolen. I wanted the keys because I didn't want him to kill anyone driving drunk.

In regards to my daughter... She had an injury during this time that was very serious and she is an athlete. Not once did any of her aunts call to inquire what happened or how she was feeling. At this time, my husband was still talking to his sisters. They never called to say hello during her junior or senior year or what college she was attending. She was hurt and didn't want them at her graduation and I guess I felt she had every right not to want them there. If I was wrong, then I admit I supported her decision because I felt none of them thought about her feelings or her for over two years. She had made a valid point that she only wanted the people closeset to her at her graduation. The counsellor agreed that it was her graduation and we shouldn't force her to have them there.

I'll try and be more consistent myself with texting more frequently and see how that goes. My daughter is away at college and she is very hurt. She has tried many times to communicate with him. She breaks down when he responds harshly to her. I just told her to focus on college and her tough schedule because I know being an athelete at the next level isn't easy. Hopefully, one day he'll realize that we do love him and that we're sorry too. Parents can make mistakes too but I honestly feel he needs to accept some responsibility in all this. We reacted to his behavior and maybe not in the best way, but we tried our best. I hope someday he will let us all meet his child, our grandchild.

Thank you for your comments... I'm thankful I have the support of my husband and daughter who matter the most since only we know everything we've gone through. We also have the support of my family and friends. I sincerely hope something changes soon. We've all tried reaching out and I just hope someday he meets us along that path to recovery. We all want to move on except for him. We just tried to teach him that there are consequences to decisions you make.

Your story is not unlike thousands of others. You just have to hope that your earlier years with him will carry him through to a later understanding. The pregnancy probably caused much confusion in him that he couldn't go to you about. Failure is another topic that teens worry about. They look at their parents all snug and secure and successful and don't realize that it took years to get that way.

I broke off contact with my parents after high school because I dropped out of a very good college and ruined a full scholarship. Their expectations of me were extremely high. I couldn't handle the course load (coming from a small rural high school), plus I was miserable for other reasons, and felt that I was pretty much disowned, whether it was true or not. The disappointment was palpable. My mother was not a happy person herself and I felt that I was supposed to solve that somehow, and of course couldn't.

I did text my son and asked him. "Why are you not responding to our texts when we were communicating a few months ago?" He said it was still because we didn't invite his aunts to my daughter's graduation. I replied "Her graduation was a year ago and we were communicating a few months ago? We didn't invite them because your sister didn't want them there. They had not been a part of her life for over two years and never called her when she was in the hospital, not once did they ever call to ask how she was feeling or what happened or thought about calling to say hello knowing this family matter affected her too. They ignored her, should I have ignored your sister's feelings too? I also reminded him of all the years of disrespect and verbal abuse I tolerated from his aunts, but I ignored them because they were my husbands sisters and wouldn't disrespect them. I reminded him how he never wanted to go over to their homes because he hated how they treated me. He didn't respond... Finally I just got a response that he didn't want to be contacted and would contact us when he was ready.

He was just being very difficult, drinking and driving, finding a drug pipe in his room. I would ask him to throw out the trash and he would just tell me f@*& no! I am also disabled and look to my husband and kids to help with the simple chores in the house. I always kept a super clean and organized home and still do. My other main concern was, as a parent, I wanted to set an example to my daughter who was 15 at the time that we would not tolerate that kind of behavior. I know people have made remarks about my daughter, but when I said I was proud of her, I meant the accomplishments that she has obtained. She is playing volleyball for a Division I college and is nationally recognized considering the injuries she endured and the pain from physical therapy and never giving up... She's following her dreams and just finished her first year. I couldn't be prouder.

Now I'm confused - your daughter is playing volleyball in College but earlier you said, "Our daughter is not in college and he has no relationship with her."

This is why parents should call the Police when they find drugs in the house and the child is drinking/driving.

Perhaps your son is tired of the same argument which appears to have been going on for over two years. It would appear that he is not interested in your explanation.

Are you posting under two names or do I have you confused with someone else?

Our daughter was 15 1/2 at the time this happened. She started college at 17 years old and is 18 now. They still don't have a relationship. No, I have not posted under another name. "Not" should have been "now"

My reason for wanting my son to hear my explanation is because he had never heard it. I was hoping if he heard my explanation, it would open his eyes and understand where I was coming from. I think it did because I did get an "ok" at one point. He knew I was right in the sense that he always felt his aunts treated me horribly and yet I put up with it and he couldn't understand why. He had never given us the opportunity to talk to him so he never knew why we made the decision we did. When we were communicating late last year he asked me several questions about our actions which I answered but it had nothing to do with the graduation or his sister. Just that we asked him to move out because of his behavior in being disrespectful and hurtful.

I know its confusing, it was long ago & in those few months our lives were turned upside down. The day I found the pipe (it was just the pipe no addtiional drugs were found) we were upset... fuming. We were waiting for him to come home and when he did we realized he had been drinking and driving that particular night. It was about 12:30-1:00am when he came home. I asked him for the keys of the car several times and he refused to give them to me, I reached for them and that's when he tried to hit me. That's when I told him, if you don't give me the keys and you drive the car, I would report it stolen. He was one month shy of being 19 years old. It was hard because we were so close, he met this girl and she was preganat in 2-3 months and I found out after I had told her mother I didn't want her in my house without adults being home, I found out they would wait around the corner in the mornings waiting for me to leave to work and the mother would drop her off. Who does that?