Ask Me Help Desk - Overweight, depressed, lonely.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gem07

Does anyone here think that talk therapy combined with diet/exercise and fresh air would help? I'm reluctant to go on meds. The psychologist said he doesn't see a reason for them and that the problems I listed are manageable. But my friend insists that I'm clinically depressed and the only way out is medication coupled with counseling. I'm getting a bit confused. I'm not suicidal, just mentally exhausted and worn out. I don't know.

Your psychologist is far better qualified than your friend or any of us here at AMHD to diagnose and prescribe. If you're reluctant to go on meds and your therapist doesn't think they're necessary, don't let your friend stampede you into it. I think you're right to give it a few sessions before you decide whether this therapist is the right one. One step at a time, one day at a time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gem07

I haven't been to work all week; I really planned to go today but woke up at 3 a.m. and was still wide awake when my alarm rang at 6:30 a.m. I called in sick and was up until 9 a.m. I think I just need a schedule and need to stick to it. I don't know if I can talk myself out of this slump.

A schedule and a routine is good. Some days will be easier than others, but maintaining an orderly life and following through on your commitments will help to get through the bad days. Calling in sick every time you feel bad or don't sleep well just gives you more time to brood and gets your biorhythms even more out of whack. You've made some great progress. Don't get discouraged, just keep facing in the direction you want to go, and gather your strength for the next step. That next step is the only one you have to think about.

In a lot of ways your more the norm than the exception !

Everyone, Everyone hates there job... Anyting that you do, that you do not do for fun is something you are forced to do against your will and if that thing is monotonus with no satisfaction or reward (because your thieving gypsy boss, steals your pay).

Being overweight is very hard to deal with for lots of reasons, but its also very easy to deal with as well. Think of your body in the same way as a car (bear with me). Your car fuel tank is empty, you need to go on a short journey so you do you

A : Put £50 of petrol in it, fill the tank so that you are carring excess fuel that will never be used and slows down the performance of the car

B: Put £5 of petrol in because that is all the car needs to do the journey

Its B isn't it ! Now your body is the same, during your day to day activities you only use so much fuel, so you only need so much fuel, but if you fill your mouth with loads more fuel than you need, your body stores this -- it does not have an overflow like your fuel tank. (Imagine your car not having this and every time you overfilled the car got fatter)

So the key is to consume only the ammout of food to give you the fuel necessary for the day. (Sounds Easy).

Well it is and It isn't : Your body is used to a certain amount of intake, your stomack is large due to this intack, so when it is empty it takes a lot of food for it to feel full, way too much than you need.

So Instead of a crash diet that leaves you craving for food or a calorie controlled diet that leaves you constantly thinking about food, which has an adverse affect.

Simply cut down on the size of the portions you eat and have lots of small meals dureing the day, in which case you will not feel hungry. Also incrase the amount of energy outtake your body needs so that it will use up the stored fuel. Build up a reduction in food intack and an increase in exercise.

Low Self esteem and depression caused by lonliness is very hard, You have made a major step to recognising what your issues are. By improving your appearance yourself esteem will improve.

Big victory today: I made it to work! I called in sick Monday to Thursday but forced myself to go Friday. I treated myself to a mocha latte on the way. I drove right past work (on purpose) and was going to keep driving, but forced myself to turn around and go back. Three supervisors spoke to me about my chronic absenteeism and I said, "I've had some health issues but everything's under control and I'm happy to be back." I just kept saying "I'm happy to be back" all day to anyone who asked. At the end of the day, I closed my office door and cried. But I made it!

I've been reading about the Good Mood Diet and am going to buy the book today. Perhaps I feel badly because I eat badly? I'm going to experiment with this diet and see if it affects my mood. I just want to feel better. Maybe my diet of fatty and sugary foods is depressing?

First things first, you need to set your priorities straight, according to you, what's the most important and work on that, do little by little until each priority is straight, 2nd brush your teeth and change your clothes... that's not hard to do, you're a grown WOMAN, 3rd, eating and sleepnig a lot are signs of depression and funny thing is food makes you feel better but at the same time, if you're over-weight, it backfires, cut back on junk food, munch on veggies and fruits and walk around a lot, its hard to work out when you're over-weight, so by doing simple things like eating properly and walking or dancing, you can loose weight. When you make an effort to look nice, people make an effort to talk to you, so present yourself in a way you would like people to see you and trust me, u'll make friends. Also, instead of coming home and sleeping, come home and clean your living room and eat an apple, then the next day, come home and clean the kitchen and eat an orange, etc. see the pattern? By the end of the week, you've cleaned 5 different rooms in your house and eaten something healthy and good. Wish you lived close, so I could take you out for a girls night and help you get yourself together, good luck girl, if you push yourself, you'll make it, and by the way, 90% of us hate our jobs.

Congratulations Gem. I'm so glad to see that you are still trying to improve your life. Congratulations on seeing the psychologist too. By all means get the Good Mood Diet book! Our minds and bodies are connected. If our bodies don't feel good (by us feeding them with junk all the time) of course we won't feel good mentally. I hope you bought it and will start today! It's probably the perfect plan for you.

About your job: keep going to work! A good work ethic is something that will not only earn the respect of others, but will improve your own self respect as well. If you truly don't like your job, grin and bear it for the moment and take steps to find more fulfilling work in your downtime. Keep in mind that it won't improve your work environment if you call off all the time. Your boss and coworkers will come to look at you as someone who is unreliable, and irresponsible. This will make your work environment worse for YOU. You see? It will also harm your chances of a good reference for future jobs.

I agree with texxxas. Most of us either don't like our jobs or have aspects of it that we don't like. My job is very stressful and demanding and downright exhausting, but still I rarely miss a day unless I am truly sick and visit a doctor.

You know what motivates me to go to work when I don't feel like going?

1. I have bills to pay. Late bills, unpaid bills... well that will add to any misery I may already have.

2. I want the respect of my bosses and coworkers. I want them to feel that I am a valuable part of the team and that they can count on me to be responsible for my shifts. I don't want people saying, "Southern Belle is unreliable and didn't show up AGAIN. She made the shift harder on the rest of us." I know that having my boss and coworkers feel that way about me certainly won't help me in the long run.

3. I want a good job record in case I decide to change jobs in the future. I want a good reference from my boss.

Keep up the good work Gem. Hey, I want to go on that girls' night out too : )

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gem07

I am a single woman and am suffering a lot lately due to poor decisions I've made. I'm in a job I hate. My parents are elderly and sick. I'm 5'3" and almost 260 pounds. I eat constantly. I sleep after work until night time, then I wake up and eat. I call phone sex lines to talk to men. I've been talking to a married man for years on the phone and am obsessed with him. I figured out his wife's passcode on her cell phone and I've been calling her phone to find messages from him. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel stuck. I wear the same thing for days in a row. Sometimes I don't brush my teeth. I'm so down lately and don't know how to get out of this mess. I live alone in an apartment and have no friends. Please give me some guidance on what I should do, or where I should start. My apartment is a mess. I have bill collectors that call constantly. I haven't been to a doctor in months and am due for a yearly physical and have various problems that need to be addressed. Thanks for your assistance. I want a normal life but feel trapped.

All of the external issues that you are enduring (i.e. weight gain, unhealthy relationships, ect) are a direct reflection of an internal and emotional problem. Interesting, you stated your problem and that you recognize your unhealthy habits and what they are doing to you. Now, you must decide to WANT to change. You've made the first step. Now seek medical attention first and ask your physician if he/she can refer you to any counselors that you can speak with about how you are feeling. Don't be alarmed if your doctor suggests putting you on anti-depressents for the short-term to pull you out of your depressive state. Also look at the benefits at your job to determine the mental health options that are available that are free to you for at least 8 sessions. It doesn't mean that you are crazy but need an outlet to help you organize your thoughts, issues, etc. If you don't like the counselor you see after the FIRST meeting, then leave and ask for someone else. Counselors won't get offended because they want you to get the help you need and they know that their style of helping people doesn't work for everyone.

I went to see my primary care physician today to get his take on my feelings of late. He believes that my weight and poor sleeping habits are causing my exhaustion and feelings of being overwhelmed (not vice versa, as I thought). He prescribed an appetite suppressant for slow weight loss (4-5 lbs. a month) and said that at the end of a year, with 40-50 lbs. gone, I should see changes. He said the endless cycle of dieting, ups and downs with weight, wins and losses, etc. are causing my mental fatigue.

So, if what he's telling me is true, then that means I'm not clinically depressed and that it's just a matter of willpower? That puts a new spin on things. Does this mean I'm just lazy and unmotivated? I don't know. I'm going to make an appointment with a psychiatrist too to get his/her opinion as well. This low that I'm feeling right now is the lowest I've ever felt my entire life and I'm going to fix this problem while I have the resources (job with health insurance) to do it. I may have spent the first part of my life running and hiding, but the next phase will be different. I'm definitely going to stick with the psychologist, too.

If you look back over the past quite a few days, I think it would be hard for anyone to call you lazy and unmotivated. Sure, its possible that the problems may have started because of lack of motivation, but that is long in the past.

Look at what you have accomplished, and the progress you made. Clearly you didn't do that by being lazy and unmotivated :)

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Originally Posted by Gem07

I went to see a psychologist today. He's not a quick fix. He said he'd like to see me once a week. He was kind of quiet and asking questions, taking notes. Maybe I expected something different? Like a list of things to do to fix my issues? I don't know. He said he's there to help carry the burden. He said he can give me a list of to-do's if I want.

Well, I’ve been gone for a few days and look at all the progress you’ve made. Really encouraging and motivating just reading it. As you said he’s not a quick fix, but you can start creating good habits for the long haul now. Look at all the progress you’ve made in just a couple weeks, if you keep going at this rate just think where you’ll be in a year!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gem07

A friend thinks I need to take a leave from work, take anti-depressants, continue to see the counselor, dump the comedian, and quit the phone sex job. But I don't know. I want to just take things one step at a time. I'm seeing the therapist. I'd like him to guide me. He doesn't seem like a perfect match for me, but it's only been one session. My next appt. is April 16. I thought I'd give it a few sessions before I search for someone else.

I think your friend is right and wrong.

Right:

Leaving work, I say you should actually step it up. At this point it’s something solid and consistent in your life. Even if you hate the job it’s a place that you go that gets you out of the house. If you hate it so much that you can’t go get another job.

Continue seeing the counselor.

Dump the comedian. Besides he’s not that funny. If you make a bad joke about a comedian what does that say about me?

Quit the phone sex job.

Wrong:

Taking the anti-depressants are what you feel comfortable doing with the advice of your doctor.

But all that being said, as you say if you have to take it slow as not to “shock your system” then I recommend that above all else.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gem07

Does anyone here think that talk therapy combined with diet/exercise and fresh air would help? I'm reluctant to go on meds. The psychologist said he doesn't see a reason for them and that the problems I listed are manageable. But my friend insists that I'm clinically depressed and the only way out is medication coupled with counseling. I'm getting a bit confused. I'm not suicidal, just mentally exhausted and worn out. I don't know. I haven't been to work all week; I really planned to go today but woke up at 3 a.m. and was still wide awake when my alarm rang at 6:30 a.m. I called in sick and was up until 9 a.m. I think I just need a schedule and need to stick to it. I don't know if I can talk myself out of this slump.

I think diet is huge. Just getting off soda and drinking a gallon of water everyday was something that made me feel better in about 3 days. Fresh air and walking clears your mind. If your doctor says that medicine is not needed at this time then follow that for now. Maybe you will both change your mind in a few months or maybe you’ll have a new doctor. But you’ve made so much progress with out meds so far. I don’t think you need them. You dong fabulously without so far.

Things I did this week that are good for me: I went to my optometrist for contact lenses. I went to the salon to get my eyebrows shaped. I babysat for my cute nephew who's almost crawling. I made an appointment with my gynecologist for a yearly exam (quite overdue). I drank milk. I told the married comedian that he's never to call my home phone number again. I drank at least one cup of water per day. I signed up for a writer's meeting at a local bookstore next weekend. I called family members to see how they're doing. I looked into debt-management companies and bankruptcy options for my $35,000 in credit card debt. I cooked and ate at home twice this week. I brushed my teeth almost every day. I took a shower more than usual, as well. I did my dishes and took out my trash more than usual. I did not call a chatline even once.

Things I did that are bad for me: I made up lies about my dating life to make the married man jealous. I called his wife's work voicemail and found out she got a promotion and will be on vacation next week. I searched the Internet for information about her and looked up women of her ethnicity in order to imagine what she looks like. I got stressed thinking about them spending Easter together with their daughter. I logged in twelve hours as a phone sex operator and earned $120. I ate lots of unhealthy foods (steak, cookies, cake). I overdrew my checking account $600 and got hit with overdraft fees. I skipped my OA meeting and didn't return calls from group members. I skipped doing my laundry. I watched adult movies through the expensive On Demand option on my TV. I did not clean my very messy apartment. I slept too much. I did not exercise.

It's becoming crystal clear to me that I'm running toward unhealthy things in order to keep myself locked into a pattern of sadness, unworthiness, and frustration. I've built addictions to keep from facing reality. I'd like my Good For Me list to be longer than the Bad For Me list. That will happen but it's not easy. Those Bad For Me things attract me in an obsessive way. Total escapes and distractions.

My next appointment with my psychologist is April 16 and we're going to be discussing goals. I'm looking forward to it. There is still a lot I haven't shared with him because I'm so embarrassed. I know you've told me to just say/write it all down and not be ashamed but it's hard! My life behind closed doors is so icky.

I've started doing some research on past issues... I grew up in a home with domestic violence and I'm discovering how it colored my world. My issues with men, food, sex, friendships, trust, etc. can be traced back to those days, I'm sure. Anyway, I'm going to let my psychologist hash all that out and help point out the path to recovery.

What I started thinking about is dreams... things I'd love to do in a world where anything is possible. Writing and publishing a novel is one. And another is to open up a women's shelter in honor of my mom. I'd like the shelter to be a beautiful house with great security. Besides the basics like food, clothing, and shelter, I'd like to offer therapy for women and children, job search services, legal help, salon services, games and toys for kids, etc. Building this shelter could be my life's calling.

Gem you are not the same woman you were just 3 short weeks ago. All I can think to say is what an inspiration you've become.

Thank you for the great support! This board was instrumental in giving me direction. I'm still doing unhealthy, destructive things, however.

I'm struggling quite a bit, things are not peaches and cream by any means. I mean, my obsession with the comedian's wife is large and looming. I still want to fly to their city and hide in the dumpster just to see her! I want to steal their photo albums and look at their family pictures. I want to go through her closet and see what size/style clothing she wears. I want to see her shoes. I want to go into their bathroom to see what products she uses. I just want details, details, details. I've looked her up on classmates.com and reunion.com. But I cannot find a photo anywhere! I managed to find her sister's photo but not her. I'm constantly searching for information on this everyday woman who is, most likely, a normal human being with feelings. This is all very unhealthy. It's crazy behavior. It's a total obsession. And I feed it by calling, searching, looking, wondering, etc.

My poor psychologist. Once I unload all this information on him, I'm sure he'll press the Eject button under his desk that sends me flying to the looney bin. He said he has to report me if I'm going to hurt myself or anyone else but I hope this obsession doesn't qualify as criminal. I don't think it does. I don't want to hurt her, I just want files, documents, photos, records, papers, etc. I just want information!

Reaching out for a therapist and forcing myself to do some basic things (see the doctor, drink water, brush my teeth) has been helping me. The thought that I could possibly be an inspiration... wow, it stuns me.

I feel like I have this part of me that wants things to be right, good, beautiful, and wonderful, and this other part that thinks it can't happen and it's a waste to even try. The latter has been at the wheel for a long time and trying to wrestle the steering wheel away is a tough process.

I finally went in for my yearly physical and the doctor's ordered tests associated with obesity (cholesterol, diabetes, etc.). He spoke to me at length about my excessive weight and said it's time to nip this in the bud. He was glad to hear I've gone to two OA meetings and encouraged me to find a sponsor and keep going. (Turns out he went to OA meetings, too!)

I've gone to work Monday and Tuesday and plan to go the rest of the week.

For some reason, I cried in the car on my way home from the doctor. I felt like I'd been in the presence of a very caring and compassionate person. He asked me point-blank about my weight: "What's going on with your weight?" I said, "What do you mean?" and he just looked at me until I started stuttering and finally started talking.

I'm surrounded by lots of people that are concerned, I'm realizing that now as I begin to come out of my slump. Family members have been dropping gentle hints for awhile and offering to work out with me or help me come up with health plans. I've got doctors who are concerned. I have access to lots of great advice here from people who want nothing but to assist me. I'm very blessed.

And I'm going to run all this by my psychologist when I see him next Monday (can't wait, I think I dig this therapy thing) but when I was on the phone last night with the married comedian, all I could think was: "I'm talking to the devil." Compared to the sweet, giving people in my life, this guy is rude and selfish. I listened to him berate me for an hour and then I couldn't take it anymore and hung up. On some level, I must like the emotional abuse. That will be ending soon. My journey is going to be that of a human being who loves to treat herself well and loves to be treated well by others. It's a new twist.

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Originally Posted by Gem07

My journey is going to be that of a human being who loves to treat herself well and loves to be treated well by others. It's a new twist.

I love it when you talk strong and positive. You have come so far, and you are going much farther still, I can see. You go, girl! We're all rooting for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gem07

Thank you for the great support! This board was instrumental in giving me direction. I'm still doing unhealthy, destructive things, however.

I'm struggling quite a bit, things are not peaches and cream by any means. I mean, my obsession with the comedian's wife is large and looming. I still want to fly to their city and hide in the dumpster just to see her! I want to steal their photo albums and look at their family pictures. I want to go through her closet and see what size/style clothing she wears. I want to see her shoes. I want to go into their bathroom to see what products she uses. I just want details, details, details. I've looked her up on classmates.com and reunion.com. But I cannot find a photo anywhere! I managed to find her sister's photo but not her. I'm constantly searching for information on this everyday woman who is, most likely, a normal human being with feelings. This is all very unhealthy. It's crazy behavior. It's a total obsession. And I feed it by calling, searching, looking, wondering, etc.

Gem, I asked before what that would prove if you saw her or found out about her. But let me put this in another perspective. I just read over the weekend about a guy that won a $315 million lottery a few years ago. In what should have been a lifetime abundance of money, he has now lost everything and is absolutely distraught and both him and his wife wish they had just tore up the ticket. To us on the outside we are thinking, “how can that be and how could you screw that up?” But the reality is we’ve never been in that situation. There is a guy, from outward appearances, should have been one of the happiest people on earth and his actions have clearly demonstrated that his inner core was not solid, no matter what he had on the outside.

Anna Nicole Smith was incredibly beautiful and incredibly wealthy. But she was also a complete nutcase who was obviously never comfortable with herself and had to hide behind drugs to make her whole. Instead that lead her to her death. My point is that all things being equal she should have been extremely happy and positive in life and her actions prove just the opposite.

Going back a few decades, look at Elvis Presley, here was a man who was given a gift from God in an incredible voice and had great charisma that lead him to fame and wealth. Again, all things being equal he should have been one of the happiest people ever and he obviously wasn’t and that lead to his demise.

I could write a book on this subject but my point is that you can pick anybody and start asking “what does she or he have that I don’t?” And you know what? Your going to get an answer! And it might be even be true! Elvis had talents that I could only dream of. Elvis had wealth, cars, a “mansion” (Graceland isn’t that big, so I don’t know if it can be called a mansion) fame, looks, women throwing themselves at him. That all sounds great on the outside, but the man behind that had nothing and had to cover his pain with food and drugs. That’s the real person.

And that’s my point, you can see anybody from the outside and say “Wow, she’s got it so great because she is this size, has this house, has this car, has these friends, etc.” but in reality you will never really know if she’s happy on the inside and happy with all that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gem07

My poor psychologist. Once I unload all this information on him, I'm sure he'll press the Eject button under his desk that sends me flying to the looney bin. He said he has to report me if I'm going to hurt myself or anyone else but I hope this obsession doesn't qualify as criminal. I don't think it does. I don't want to hurt her, I just want files, documents, photos, records, papers, etc. I just want information!

To be honest, I’d bet your therapist has heard much worse than this. He might look as a person with huge potential that just needs the ability to work through it and the steps to do it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gem07

Reaching out for a therapist and forcing myself to do some basic things (see the doctor, drink water, brush my teeth) has been helping me. The thought that I could possibly be an inspiration ... wow, it stuns me.

Well, let me be straight with you. I’ve been posting here for a while now and there are two types of people that come here to this board that I’ve noticed anyway.

The first person has a problem, issue, or concern, and posts it and then gets an answer or a series of answers that are usually consistent. If the person doesn’t like the answer given, they usually retaliate against all the posters and try to make themselves feel better or continue to live in a certain denial.

The second personality type posts a question here and wants real answers, and may even know the answers but doesn’t want to face them and needs either a nudge or in some cases a verbal slap in the face. I personally was one of those people and to be honest I got it. But after that initial answer or series of answers many posters just stop posting and go away only to repeat there problems again and again. However, some people say to themselves “I’ve had enough and I’m going to do something about it.” You were one of those people. You kept coming back. You kept taking steps. You kept moving forward. It’s like a I said in my earlier posts your not at the top of the mountain but you not in the valley with the masses either.

I can honestly say this site has changed my life for the better. I’ve studied what some posters have said in certain situations, I’ve been introduced to new ideas and concepts beyond this website, and I’ve been able to give incite to others, which in turn only strengthens my understanding and knowledge. It’s one thing to read something, but it’s another to form the thought and type it out. For me, that is the benefit I get from answering questions here. I’ve seen your posts in some other threads and I can only assume your getting that same benefit and strength.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gem07

I feel like I have this part of me that wants things to be right, good, beautiful, and wonderful, and this other part that thinks it can't happen and it's a waste to even try. The latter has been at the wheel for a long time and trying to wrestle the steering wheel away is a tough process.

Well I’m going to credit Tony Robbins on this one. He has a tape and on it he said something that really made me stop and think. Most people, usually by accident and never realizing what they are doing from an early age fill there head with thoughts of “I can’t do that” or “that’s for somebody else” and might even try something once or twice and fail so then it becomes “confirmed” that they aren’t capable of doing any given thing. Most people then spend a lifetime filling there head with these thoughts. So Tony Robbins said this, “If you put garbage into your head, your going to get garbage in your actions as a result, if you start putting positive things in your head, your going to get positive results.”

How true is that! I personally not only put garbage into my head, but so did my own dad. And I can tell you he picked up a lot from my grandma, who picked up a lot from my great grandfather. I’m sure it goes back further but that’s all I can trace. Either way, my point is just because my relatives before me were negative and abusive doesn’t mean that has to be my reality. Same with you. You may have had some garbage put in your head but you can now start putting some positive things in your head and start getting some positive results. In reality, isn’t that exactly what you’ve been doing for the last 3 weeks?

Three weeks ago, you were not thinking with any positive thoughts. Now after only 3 weeks you’ve started putting positive thoughts in your brain and you’ve started to get some positive results already. If you keep this up, just think were you’ll be in a year! In 5 years and for the rest of your life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gem07

I finally went in for my yearly physical and the doctor's ordered tests associated with obesity (cholesterol, diabetes, etc.). He spoke to me at length about my excessive weight and said it's time to nip this in the bud. He was glad to hear I've gone to two OA meetings and encouraged me to find a sponsor and keep going. (Turns out he went to OA meetings, too!)

Forgive my stupidity but how does that work? What do you mean by a sponsor?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gem07

For some reason, I cried in the car on my way home from the doctor. I felt like I'd been in the presence of a very caring and compassionate person. He asked me point-blank about my weight: "What's going on with your weight?" I said, "What do you mean?" and he just looked at me until I started stuttering and finally started talking.

I'm surrounded by lots of people that are concerned, I'm realizing that now as I begin to come out of my slump. Family members have been dropping gentle hints for awhile and offering to work out with me or help me come up with health plans. I've got doctors who are concerned. I have access to lots of great advice here from people who want nothing but to assist me. I'm very blessed.

The funny thing is I think many people are blessed but don’t realize it. There is always help available it’s just finding a way to ask for it. That always seems to the problem, for whatever reason people are just afraid to ask, for fear of rejection or not seeming perfect or whatever. But if you start to really look around and notice the blessings you do have new and even more blessings open up. Kind of like the adage “success breeds success.”

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gem07

And I'm going to run all this by my psychologist when I see him next Monday (can't wait, I think I dig this therapy thing) but when I was on the phone last night with the married comedian, all I could think was: "I'm talking to the devil." Compared to the sweet, giving people in my life, this guy is rude and selfish. I listened to him berate me for an hour and then I couldn't take it anymore and hung up. On some level, I must like the emotional abuse. That will be ending soon. My journey is going to be that of a human being who loves to treat herself well and loves to be treated well by others. It's a new twist.

OHHHHHH I'm fricking upset. Gem, let me tell you something. I am a little different than most people on this board in this regard given my background but that piece of crap would never… I mean NEVER berate me for an hour, hell he wouldn't berate me for a minute because he’d have to face the consequences. He also would never do just based on what I look like and the fact that if he was standing in front of me and started berating me for an hour he would understand the price he’d be paying. So that loser can’t pick a fight with some one his size or probably in my case bigger than him so he picks on you for an hour over the phone. What a F-ing coward.

But the thing is Gem, I would never use my size or intimidating looks to talk down to you or any other woman or man for that matter and I certainly have too much respect for you and all that you’ve lived through and have accomplished to try and hold you down. That loser has no respect for you and the truth is has no respect for himself which is why he has to pick on a defenseless woman for an hour. He’s not a man, he’s not even a boy, he’s just a b!tch and he knows it. It’s probably why he’s a comedian, that way he can pick on people in the crowd under the guise of “it’s all part of the show.” What a fricking loser. How he acts towards you is just a sliver of what he feels about himself on the inside. He uses you as an outlet and yet he suffers even more.

You want to know what his wife is like? I’ll tell you she’s depressed, hates herself, and constantly wants to know why she’s not good enough. That’s the only kind of person that coward could ever get to marry him.

If you talk to this tool again, and why you would I don’t know but if you do, and he starts up with this talk ask him point blank, “Would you talk down to a man like this?” He might lie because he’s a coward but I promise you that tool wouldn’t berate a man for an hour without paying the price. I’m not suggesting you get physical but I am suggesting you haven’t given him any reason to be his emotional sponge because he’s such a coward. If he wants to be a coward then you let him do that on his time, from now on your time and energy is too valuable to invest with tools like that.

"Gem07 agrees: Thank you so much for the heartfelt responses."

Oh man, sometimes I read my own stuff and wonder exactly what I was thinking. As you can probably tell I'm an emotional guy. You were right though, that message was from the heart, no sugar coating there, just straight up what I was thinking. A week and a half later I stand by what I wrote, your that your too good of a person and overcome so much to be his personal emotional sponge.

Just thought I'd give everyone an update. I'm going to my psychologist weekly and he is trying to lead me into deep discussions about my abusive father. I'm having a hard time discussing some things and opening up. I'd rather talk about the weather and Kit Kats! I've lost about five pounds. I'm still missing about a day of work per week. Today I didn't go because I slept only three hours last night and was exhausted. I'm also trying to keep track of my thoughts on my therapist's recommendation and I've realized they're quite negative. Especially when it comes to men! My food/shopping/phone sex addictions are still alive and well, but my therapist seems to think they're interconnected. Resolution will take time and energy. I'm living moment to moment. Just trying to be more aware. And trying to give myself a break for not being who I think I should be at this moment in my life. My therapist says that everything about me makes sense in the context of my childhood and my life. I don't fully believe it but I'm trying to. I told the married comedian that I'll call him and haven't spoken to him for a few days. I found that my obsessive tendencies have shifted to my therapist, however! I want to invite him over to my apt. and seduce him. He's married with a child. I've started doing research on him and his wife.. . Why do I do this? I've not told him about all this yet because I don't want him to freak out and think I'm a crazy stalker! He lives near me and I'm dying to see his wife. I have this same issue with the comedian. Why do I get so obsessed with their wives and finding out every detail? Low self-esteem? Low self-confidence? I don't know.

Set yourself little goals along the way... next week I'm going to tidy up the apartment, the week after I'm going to sit down and work out all my bills and what needs paying first, maybe set up a monthly thing with them so you can pay it off bit by bit, next get to the doctors and find out what's wrong as it sounds like you may be depressed and stuck in a rut.
Stop calling the chat lines and get yourself out and about meeting real people, that will solve your boredom,weight issues and lack of friends, get some hobbies and meet people that way.
You can do this, but it will take time, good luck