Ask Me Help Desk

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Originally Posted by milliec

i'd like to mention first, that she is not your responsibility - she might have held your picture for different reasons, not necessarily as a cry for help from you specifically.
but it was definitely a cry for help.
she doesn't know exactly what to do with herself because she lives in denial - that's what chery described in her letter, and you agreed with her, in your answer . when someone lives in denial, it's impossible for this person to admit what went wrong and where. it's so mixed up, and these persons are so fragile. she probably missed you, and felt remorse, not necessarily guilt, only a professional can help. it's better of she doesn't open this box with any of the people close to her, she needs to talk with someone who'll know how to handle this issues, without personal involvement.
in the long run, you'll feel better for helping her, though her life is not your responsibility.
her family, and you, can get her to get this help, especially now that she's seen the gp 9who can help a lot on this matter)
please take good care of yourself - you need a lot of professional support,
millie

I agree with milliec, she needs professional help NOW. It might be harsh to tell her to get help or you'll draw yourself away, but the pills - and most probably the alcohol (she might tell you she's off it, but don't believe her) will only make things worse, and the next time she might succeed.

Get her family to take up most of the responsibility for her and offer your support, but only to a point. You need to take care of YOU and YOURS!

Again, good luck dear.

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Yes she is still drinking. I think half of it is attention, and half of it is real. I don't think there is much more I can do, I spend time with her now (out of the pub), and she knows that I am there to support her.

I am trying to find things to do in the evenings that can keep her out of the pub but that is not possible every evening. Her family are helping her too, there are helping her with a loan that she has and they are buying her a car, I guess they are trying to make her happier.

I have rang a help line, and they told me to just be available to her when she is ready to talk and be there for her, but really that she has to deal with all the problems that she has, but I guess until she admits that she has problems, and knows that she has to deal with them there is not much I can do.

Sarah well done for all u`ve done I realise its reeally hard for u.. Its not easy dealing wit suicide esp if the person has hurt u before.. well done and be strong! Take care!. and LOVE LIFE ;o)

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I am trying to find things to do in the evenings that can keep her out of the pub but that is not possible every evening.

Are you going to give up time with your family to 'entertain' her now??

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Her family are helping her too, there are helping her with a loan that she has and they are buying her a car, i guess they are trying to make her happier.

No, they are trying to make themselves feel better by materialistic values because they don't want to expend emotionally. Giving her a car will probably help her drink and drive herself into the next crisis. - Unless you are her bodyguard 24/7 to keep her out of pubs - GET REAL!

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I have rang a help line, and they told me to just be available to her when she is ready to talk and be there for her, but really that she has to deal with all the problems that she has, but i guess until she admits that she has problems, and knows that she has to deal with them there is not much i can do.

You've said it - they've said it, now, what more do you need to be convinced that you should give her an ultimatum... The sooner someone makes her realize this, the sooner she can make the choice of getting her stuff together or continuously using people.

If I had a 'friend' like that I would tell him/her the truth, make him/her see that a choice has to be made or I'm out of their life. It's harsh, I know, but I would rather have one friend less than risk my family and the quality of time and emotions I expend.

Again, good luck!
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Comments on this postvalinors_sorrow agrees: Chery yis right about how this kind of help is often not helpful, which is why a professional is useful, to help guide the family and her to what is - she needs help, yes but if she is offered real help and rejects it, its on her and needs to stay on

Thanks dear, that's exactly what I mean.. But I think that what everyone wishes will happen is this: they act 'normal' and 'avoid' the issue and 'hope' that she'll wake up some day, and bingo, she realizes she needs help. We know that this is not going to work.

The other possibility is total 'rejection', closing doors, and ignoring her, which will help reinforce her belief that 'nobody love's me' syndrome...

So, no matter how you look at it, people like that need to be 'pushed' into reaching out, or to go away. Harsh, but as simple as that. Either way, they are going to make a choice of accepting the advice and thanking you later for the effort... Or they'll blame you for their mishaps and escape further into themselves and self-pity. So, we have to think of how we would like to have our friends react to us if in this same situation.

Real life and reality are not always as nice as we wish, but it's how we deal with it that counts.

A Professional is highly recommended in this case, for all concerned.

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Chery: "So, no matter how you look at it, people like that need to be 'pushed' into reaching out, or to go away. Harsh, but as simple as that."

I think we have a lot of common ground Chery but I want to let it be known that I don't advocate a lot of pushing mainly because the circumstance (ie her esteem problems, her drinking, her promiscuity, etc) is doing enough pushing.

That and its far more effective to invite or attract someone into the solution.

While its very important that everyone around her tell it like it is with no watering it down and distance themselve for protection, that is not "pushing".

It is not okay in my book nor does it work very well from what I have seen to try and force a solution on someone who is adult in age. If that is even tried, its usually called an intervention and should always be orchestrated by a professional as it can do some real damage should it backfire.

Sometimes the people around the problem person need help first, to manage themselves better in it. Then the problem person might get a chance at getting help. So as long as you aren't talking about serious confrontation that can spiral out of control or an amateur-run intervention, I think there we definitely agree - it can be two levels of problems going on that require different solutions!

There are more alcohol related deaths in one week (including the suicides), in the large city I live in as there are deaths from all other causes in the entire nation in a year. Alcohol makes people more likely to enter into "slutty" behavior. It causes depression. It makes the pain go away for awhile, while a person is drunk. It places emotion over intellect profoundly impairing judgement. It is legal. It is cheap, it is addictive to at least 10% of the American population (excluding Native Americans, who are at risk 80+%) and it kills.

Take care of yourself, and stay safe. You can not fix her. There's a saying: "AA is not for those who need it, it's for those who want it."