I don't quite understand what is going on. My wife of 12 years asked for a divorce 4 weeks ago. She said she didn't think we could work out our differences. I do, but that's besides the point. We've had some road blocks but nothing serious like adultry or abuse. We also have two children.
I think it is a sin to give up when kids are involved without trying everything.

Since this initial declaration she has made no attempt to get the process in gear. I tried a couple times, but she ended up having to cancel (we are separated). In fact she has been acting very friendly, almost like there is no real problem.

What is going through her mind?

In my opinion, just from reading what you had written, it almost seems to me that she is making 'empty threats'. Meaning that, perhaps she was feeling frustrated? Unwanted? Not needed? And, by saying she wants a divorce, but never following through.. she is at least getting more attention from you now than before her divorce threats. Does any of this make any sense to you? Did the two of you have quality time together after the children were born? Did previous conversations go to almost none after a few years? Maybe this is her 'cry' for attention. Perhaps thd two of you could compromise on the values you said you two differ on.. stay in the middle of the road without causing any tension.. give each other some one-on-one attention... suggest a babysitter, even if the two of you stay close to home to have some 'together' time. I can only go by the little info you have given here.. but I'm sensing it's her way of saying she wants attention, too. I hope this is all it is. You say you want to stay in the marriage.. maybe it just needs this little bit of 'fine-tuning'. Good Luck to you.

Hi Delilah, Thank you for your thoughts. To answer some of your questions: We have tried counceling, and "dating", and we have worked on finding middle ground. We have made progress, I feel, but it is still not perfect. We still argue from time to time. She just feels like we will never be able to compromise enough to make it work.

She could be making idle threats, but it feels real.

Maybe she needs individual counseling. Maybe there are things she would be willing to open up to a therapist about if you weren't in the room. I am sure that sounds a little scary, but if your marriage is to improve then maybe your wife needs to take some time and sort through her feelings and re-focus. Have you asked her to try it? Maybe a suggestion that seems non-accusatory like, "For some reason I feel that we seem unable to communicate well, and I am concerned that it seems you have a hard time opening up to me. Would you consider speaking to a counselor? I feel like maybe if you were to open up to someone else you'd eventually be able to include me. I'd really like to be the person you lean on again." Make the statements about you, and yes, use the word "feel" a lot. It takes the pressure off her. Good Luck!

I agree with much of what vlee had written here. Nothing will be 100% perfect.. but the fact that you are both working towards it is a huge improvement in itself! Are you both perfectionists.. is that why you and your wife still don't think 'it's' perfect yet? Or, are your differences in opinion so far apart that you still have a huge gap in the middle? In my opinion, unless the arguing is at full volume and hurtful, then you could both learn how to control the conversation before arguing gets to the bad stage. Counseling would help.. or, counseling to learn how to converse in a way to share thoughts without attacking each other verbally.

I hope you can both work out your differences. It seems like you want really want to figure this out and put it all behind you. Good for you! I wish you the best.

Well we finally have made plans to talk this weekend. She definitely sounds to be serious about wanting a divorce. Are there usually second thoughts by the one who wants a divorce? What if anything would cause her to reconsider? Even though I want her to stay, I don't feel it would be wise to ask her. It should be her choice without any guilt or influence. Do you have any advice for me going into this meeting, as you know my desires to fix this and not end it?

I am contemplating feeling her out during the talks, and if it seems as if she has any doubts I want to see if she would be willing to do the following:

Put off the divorce for 6 months. In this time we seek counceling to rebuild our friendship.
We don't talk about getting back together and we don't talk about divorce. Just fix our friendship. After 6 months we see where we are at that point. If she still wants a divorce I will give it to her no questions asked.

Thank you

Well, this is certainly going in the right direction! I like the idea that you have set the weekend aside to talk. But you wrote, "Even though I want her to stay, I don't feel it would be wise to ask her." Please, in my opinion.. and being that I am a woman... you have to let her know that you want her to stay! You have to make her feel needed, wanted.. not only as the mother of your children, but also as the person you had vowed to love forever. It seems to me that you DO feel that way about her, right? If that's true, then PLEASE.. this is your opportunity to let her know how you feel.. let her know you want her and need her.. that you love her. If she loves you, then she will also do whatever is possible to hold the marriage together. I think your proposal of trying to regain the 'friendship' that you both had is a great idea. Yes, give it six months. But, also try to rekindle the love you had felt as your friendship was building. Do some of the things you used to do when you were 'courting'. If she agrees with counseling, then try that, too. Sometimes two people are THINKING they are saying the same thing, but it comes out differently in the translation. Sometimes people need a counselor just to help you both understand that you're both on the same page, but you are just articulating it differently to one another. Think if these two days (weekend) as your last chance to really let her feel how you feel. Even go as far as to say, "I'm not sure I can say all that is on my mind .. maybe it won't come out right .. so just let me say it all." People have to work at what they REALLY want in life.. the same holds true for relationships. Have something that she will find endearing this weekend.. a notecard or love letter she may have given you.. a special photo of the two of you or with your children... something you may have cooked for her.. a favorite dessert.. a very special restaurant.. wear a shirt she gave you that she really liked on you... find something that will pull her in a little closer during your talk.

Please give us an update after the weekend, OK? I for one would love to hear what is happening. Best wishes and best of luck to you.

You are beautiful Delilah! I will take your advice and check back after the weekend.

Thank you

Sorry I am just to curious as to what issues could lead a couple of 12 years to a divorce? It has to be major if your separated, so if you can be a little more specific, so I can understand why she is so adamant to end this relationship.

I have to say - if you don't want a divorce - do not leave anything unsaid. Don't be afraid to tell her EXACTLY how you feel. You do not want to look back and think - if I had only...
It will eat you up inside.
People can change their minds - I did.

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Originally Posted by NowWhat

I have to say - if you don't want a divorce - do not leave anything unsaid. Don't be afraid to tell her EXACTLY how you feel. You do not want to look back and think - if I had only....
It will eat you up inside.
People can change their minds - I did.

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Absolutely! You have to let her know exactly how you feel. I couldn't agree with this poster more. Best wishes.

OK, on your advice I have written down what I wish to tell my wife. I am planning on talking to her tonight, so if anyone catches this soon please give me some feedback. To corny? All right? Did I leave anything out? Thank you, thank you...

As follows:

Dear Tami, I don’t know exactly where to begin or what to say, but I hope this comes out right. Please read this with an open mind and an open heart:

There has never been anything more important and special in my life than my marriage to you. If you have ever doubted this I am truly sorry. I have only wanted to love you unconditionally. I want you in my life. I need you in my life. I have taken an oath willingly to commit my love to you eternally. I don’t think I could break this oath if I tried.

I am now having second thoughts about this divorce. I think our marriage is too important to throw away. We can have many more years of happiness together. I know there are other men who could and would love you, but I know for a fact that there is no other man on this planet that can love you with the passion and depth I hold for you. It is just not possible. If I can guarantee you a marriage that will exceed your every desire and expectation, with a good man than is completely devoted to you, would you be willing to give it another try?

I realize we have had problems that have yet to be worked out. I am absolutely positive that we can fix these to where everyone is content. The love we bring to each other can overcome any obstacle. I am sure of it.

I don’t expect us to jump right back in to full speed marriage. What I recommend is that we forget about divorce, at least for now, and not talk about the marriage either. I suggest we get back with a certified counselor and work on rebuilding our friendship first. Work through our differences and learn to accept each other for who we are. Let’s learn to communicate with a better perspective of who we are.

I know without a shadow of a doubt Tami that we belong together. I can feel it to my soul, and I think you feel it too. We ARE soul mates. We can make each other happy, whole, and content.

I dream of the day that we can all be together as one family, under one roof. The way it should be. We can be a model couple and model parents. We can have it all, because I want to give you everything that you deserve and more.

There is so much I want to say, but it would be better to show you. Tami, please don’t leave. Let me prove to you that you made the right choice. You will not regret it. This I am sure. I will make you the happiest, proudest woman you ever could have dreamed.

I love you with everything ounce of my being. And always will…

Seems very sweet to me, and you used the word "we" instead of "I", so it doesn't come across as pushy or insensitive. I hope she reconsiders the divorce.

I just read your post now and depending on which coast you live on.. it may be too late for you to read mine. But, for what it's worth, I think your letter is very forthright and directly from the heart. Very well written. I sincerely hope and pray that your wife will understand you better through your words here.. I would have to think that she can see and feel what you are going through emotionally here.. doing your best to "woo" her back. As I read it, I thought... you're putting the WHOLE burden on yourself.. promising that you'll make her happy, proud, etc. Gee, it's a two-way street.. I hope she understands that. You BOTH have to work at improving the communication and friendship to regain the total trust and love your once had. I felt bad when I read that you're "promising' everything she had ever wanted. :-( But, it's how you felt when you wrote it.. and your words were coming from your heart.. so it's fine. What I'm trying to say is that you deserve as much happiness.. so don't take all of the burden of making this relationship work. Hopefully, your wife will agree and work together with you.. and it'll be a joint effort. What a sweet, sweet, letter. Please let us know how your meeting with her turned out! I'm keeping postitve thoughts for the two of you.

Ok we were not able to have our talk because her schedule was full, again. So I just handed her the letter and asked her to read it when she had a moment. I went home and didn't hear from her all night. I was assuming that either she was not interested and didn't have the guts to call and let me down. Or she was contemplating the letter and didn't want to talk about it last night. Needless to say I didn't sleep a wink. I felt good because I finally told her exactly how I feel, and I felt bad with the thought that this could be the final attempt.

So, on to this morning. My wife brought over my son, and we had a chance to talk about it. She initially did not want to discuss it, so I just started the conversation without her. She couldn't help but join in. She was still reluctant, as was to be expected, but she did agree that we could hold off the divorce and seek counseling. She asked if I could go first and she would join me after a few sessions.

Some of the past did come up and she said she is having a hard time forgiving and forgetting. I told her that I have forgiven her for things she's done to hurt me, and hoped that she would be able to get to a better place; in time, and after counseling.

So in a nut shell, it seems that she is open to the idea of a possible reconciliation. She wants some time to think about things. I just kept encouraging her that this was the right thing to do, that our marriage and kids were well worth the effort. I also told her that the marriage can be better than it has ever been if we just stick in there. She is very pessimistic at this point. But hopefully this will improve as we progress.

What do you think? Did I do well? What should I be thinking or doing in the next few days, weeks? How should I play this hand? What works in wooing woman, especially a wife who has one and a half feet out the door? Should I give her a certain amount of time between talks?

I feel cautiously optimistic about this. I pray for her to turn the corner, and for me to have the strength and wisdom to see it to fruition.

Well, first thing, if you said you were going to do something - you follow through. You need to get into a counselor asap - if that is what was agreed upon.
My thing has always been - if you say your are going to do something you had better do it. By not, it breaks down trust little by little because you can't count on a person and it shows that you are not committed.

I don't know if I would be in her face all the time. I would let her know that you are there. If you call to talk to your son - talk to her and just keep it casual - don't always focus in on what your problems are.
You could send her flowers at work or send her little notes. Just to say Hi and I love you. Or to say you were thinking of her today and you wanted to let her know.
Nothing over the top or anything - just subtle gestures. The time to hash out everything is in counseling.

I think you should be cautious right now - she has given an inch (be happy about that) but you are not out of the woods yet. Just take it slowly. What's that old saying - "slow and steady wins the race."

Yes, I think you did very well being that your wife had a full schedule. I liked the way you initiated the conversation when she dropped off your son. I also agree with the last poster.. follow-up on your promise of seeing a counselor... the sooner the better. Don't let there be a time lapse, otherwise your wife will think your words were empty. Make the appointment and let her know the date that had been set. She'll know you're serious.

Let your mind go back to when you were both dating. Was there something you did that she just loved? Note cards, flowers, a certain brand of chocolates, hummus, tofu.. <laughing>? Send a well-worded card (loving card) to her once a week to keep you ever on her mind. Flowers would be nice, but you don't have to be extravagant. A small little bunch of spring flowers in a low vase would be SO sweet! Do you have Trader Joe stores in your part of the States? The reason I ask is because they sell inexpensive, lovely flowers.. and even small, potted single plants. Trader Joe's is a trendy, small food store. Anyway, the idea is not a huge arrangement of flowers, but something intimate and small which you let her know you are thinking of her. Don't go for a long period without talking to her. Check in with her just to say 'hi' every 2-3 days.. a short hello to let her know you're thinking about her.. nothing heavy.

Priorities first, though! Make that appointment for the counselor! Please! And, let her know you made it.

I'm really pulling for you. I hope the two of you re-discover yourselves with one another. Keep us updated, OK? Best wishes to you...

I still am curiuos as to the events that led to all of this in the first place.

Well, there is quite a history to what has lead us to this point Taliniman. 12 years to be exact. But the main problems have been problems that many couples face, which are money and kids. She has two kids from previous unwed relationships. I stepped in to be a stepdad and tried the best I could. I think I did a good job, but there were the usual authority type issues that plagued us. Without any experience or a manual this was a difficult situation for all of us. After about six years of this we got to a point where my wife was siding with the kids in front of them, which made me pull in the other direction. Further, my wife and her kids all have ADD, and it was rough dealing with them at times.
SO my wife took the kids and left. I wanted them to stay and have family counseling, but she has a tendency of flight instead of fight. We had two more kids of our own, who we share custody. Even though I gave her money for a new place, and have since made peace with her kids. She keeps suing me for the same crime, that I really didn't commit. She left, but doesn't see it that way. I have also offered to build a new house for her and her mom and sister, and kids. They all live together now. But twice they have backed out.
Our other big problem has been money. She spends, has no credit, and has put us in hot water for various irresponsible reasons. She loves to spoil her kids, and live for today. I am a bit more conservative. I prefer to save for tomorrow. There are pluses and minuses to both of our values. We just need to come to a middle ground. Another issue is that her father left when she was 13. I think she has a hard time believing that I really love her and won't leave. No matter how much I reassure her, and do things for her, it is never enough. Hence the need for serious counseling. She has a hard time taking responsibility for any of our problems and see her issues as solved. She thinks the problems mainly stem from my issues. Maybe she's right, maybe she's wrong, maybe she's half right.
All I know is that we need a top flight therapist who will help us both see the light, and find the love we have for each other. I know it's there. It never left. And even though I have pointed out her problems, she is a beautiful, sweet, fun, hard working, person. She is a wonderful mother, and was, at one time, a very loving wife. If I didn't have faith in her I would have let it go by now.

I hope this sheds a little more light on the subject. There's always more to say, but I won't take up your time any longer. Thanks for listening, interest, and concern.

I am glad to hear she is willing to try counseling. For now, I wouldn't put any more pressure on her. Attend a few sessions and let her know how they go. Then ask her to join you for the next one. All the issues you have and have had will be brought to light and discussed there, so save them for that room. Take a slow but steady approach. Best of luck.

Your on a good path with the counseling, even if she chooses not to go, it will help you see things in a realistic light. Does she take medication for ADD and is she maintaining her doctor visits? Sorry for all the questions, just trying to get a clear picture and I'm assuming that she stays with her mother who is alone.

No, I appreciate the questions and interest. You're very considerate.

She has been taking meds for her ADD and has made great progress. Her living situation is a little odd. Her mother, who is divorced has the house in her name. She is retired so my wife covers the mortgage. Also living there is her younger sister, who has no money and one 12 year old son. It's a full house there. But the neighborhood has tons of kids and
They all like living there. My wife has her own money, autonomy, a built-in support system, and has been sort of living out her missed teen years. She has a network of friends, male and female, through her bowling league. They do a lot together, and my wife may have even dated some of them. It doesn't concern me too much. I'm glad she has friends. I can't help but feel like I've been replaced a bit. And her situation is comfortable enough to really not need me. But I'm not going to get bent out of shape about it. I've got my own life too. I'll just show her what a great guy I am, and worthy of her time. It'll be her loss if she doesn't stick it out. Naturally it will be my loss too. Hopefully, we can work it out. We really are good together, and for each other. I'm beginning counseling next week.

One other question. Your advice to take it slow will be followed. But what is slow? Do I ask her on a date now and then? Or just friendly talk on the phone once in a while? I like the idea of sending her letters or small thoughful gifts once a week. I got to tell you, it's nice to have my own private Cyrano's here :) I've been at this love game for a long time but I still have lots to learn. Thank you all!

You could ask her out and then see how it goes on the date. Maybe she will ask you out after the initial date - if not - give it a week or two and ask again.
Nothing to "in your face". And just remember the "rule" of dating - if you want to go out with some one on Friday or Saturday - Ask Before Wednesday. After wed. it implies that you think she has nothing going on or she was an after thought.
I didn't make the rules - that is just what they are.

Slow is relaxing, and taking your time to get to know someone. In your case its rebuilding the lines of communication and interest. Even the best relationships have to be spruced up a little. I think if you leaned more toward fun, she would appreciated it and don't smother her with deep issues or a lot of unwanted attention right now. Let it flow and have a good time, and pay attention.

I really want my husband to write me a letter like you wrote your wife, and we are no where near divorce! Having said that, I am so glad you are taking care of things like a man, I am also glad that she might be willing to do more to patch up the things that went wrong! You sure are what we all call a "real man".. Thanks for reasuring us that there are some of you left...

Thank you Startover, I appreciate your kind words. I wish my wife would appreciate my sentiments even half as much.
I did call her today to tell her about the counselor, and that it was recommended that we both attend the first meeting to alleviate any possible biases. I guess this is standard procedure. My wife seemed ambivalent and said she would check her schedule and let me know. I'll go with or without her.
Guys, this is definitely going to be a slow uphill climb. I am not discouraged in the least however. No need to run from a challenge if it is deemed worthy. And it is...

You could also change the schedule to fit hers, but it may piss her off, since she probably will take it as a trap.

I give you a lot of credit for knowing what you want and pursuing it. It sounds to me that your wife has a LOT of self-confidence. She came into the marriage with two children who weren't yours.. she had two more children with you.. she spends a lot of time with her friends and perhaps had even dated a few of them , she sides with her two 'original children'... and, yet she's 'splitting hairs' with you over some minor disagreements? It seems to me that she a LOT to be grateful for in having you as her husband. Your letter to her alone was heartwarming and definitely something all wives would love to receive from their husbands. All of that being said.. I know that it takes two to make a marriage whole. Making the appointment for the counselor is the first best step.. you are showing your wife that you are serious. I sincerely hope that she 'checks her schedule' and gets to the first meeting with you. Did you say your wife works? What in her schedule could prohibit her from going to the first meeting? You need to go through these steps to know in your heart that you're trying everything possible to keep the marriage together. I hope that your wife feels the same. Regarding the cards or small flower arrangements.. do one of those (or similar) once a week. You could ask her out for coffee, light lunch, or dinner on the weekends. But, as someone here had suggested.. try to ask early in the week. For this week, it wouldn't hurt to try for at least a coffee date. Personally, I don't think it's good to allow too many days to pass without having even a small amount of contact with her. As you had mentioned, she spends much time with her friends and you think they may even take up enough of her time so that she feels she doesn't need you. Don't smother her, but, make sure you're around in ways so you're on her mind.. like through the cards, flowers, or the weekend date.
I wish you the best. What a dynamic guy you are.. still pursuing the love of your life even with the barricades she is attempting to put up. Stay constant.. and persevere. Keep us updated.

familyman2, anything happen over the weekend between you and your wife? Did you get to see her or talk to her at all? Or, did you get to send a card or flowers? Is your first counseling session this week?

Take care. Let us know how things are going when you have a chance.

Hi, I just got back into town today. I left Sat morning to visit relatives in Ohio with my son.
To tell you the truth I thought I would leave my wife alone during this trip, and maybe give her the gift of missing me instead. We'll see. I just feel funny about sending her anything because she may take it as pressure. What do you think? I know you recommend small talk and small gifts. I like the idea too. However, I don't want to push her away. I don't know if she will join me at counseling on Frdiay yet. I'll talk to her tonight or within the next couple days. I am very torn about this. Obviously I would like to talk to her, to see her, to send her flowers. It is a delicate situation. I do not want her to think of this as pressure to attend counseling or anything else. What to do...

As long as you don't mention counseling or anything like that in a note or card - I don't think that is pressure. I have learned that you have to fight for what is yours. If you want your marriage - don't be afraid of taking chances and doing what you need to to get your results. I am not suggesting you stalk her - but don't just sit around and be passive.
If you sent her a card. Just get a "thinking of you" card. Or something with a funny picture that is blank inside. Just simply write Hi, was thinking of you...
You get the idea.
If she is feeling pressured - she will let you know.

Well, I went to the counselor today. She is an excellent counselor and I really think she can help us, or at least me. My wife didn't come. She wanted me to go to the first one or two alone. I guess she felt I needed to work on some issues. Right or wrong, it helped me. I felt better after the session. I told my wife how good the counselor was, she said she was glad I liked it. Then I said I felt confident that this counselor could help us, and my wife seemed ambivalent and said we'll see. I kept a positive attitude and left with my daughter. On your advice, I did get her a gift for mother's day. I'll let my daughter give it to her on Sunday.

I am still positive that we can work this out. I am just proceeding with the thoughts that we already have started to rebuild our friendship. And she definitely knows that my intentions are to ultimately bring the family back together.

But am I wrong for doing this? She told me four weeks ago she wanted to divorce. I'm the one who is trying to save this marriage. She has yet to really come out and say she wants this. Maybe she's confused, maybe she wants out but can't find the way to say it, maybe she does want to stay but is still undecided. Whatever the case, am I being an arse for trying to stop the divorce and keep our marriage alive? Shouldn't I just apologize for pushing for this and give her the divorce she asked for? I feel like I'm walking a tight rope!
If I didn't feel like we had a chance at true happiness, and a chance get the kids under one roof, it would be an easier decision. But this is going to determine the rest of my life, and I am determined to keep trying. I just want to know if I am justified for doing this.
Can you sense the struggle I have going on in my head?

I'm glad to hear that you went to the conselor and left feeling good about it. I wish your wife would have gone with you, but she didn't. It seems that she really thinks that you are the one with the issue that needs to be worked out since she wants you to go alone to the first two sessions.

You shouldn't question your intentions. You are half of your marriage. You have the right to do all you can to keep it together if you love her as much as you say. Why would you want to give in if you love her so much? You, like everyone, have to persevere for everything you want.. you can't back down. It would look to your wife, "Well, he just gave up .. he doesn't want to even try to win me back!". If you don't go with what's in your heart you will surely lose any chance you have with her.

We here can only help by hearing one side of the story. From what you had just written, you could be right on your observations. Maybe she wants out of the marriage, but can't get herself to REALLY tell you, or, she could be unsure and is waiting to see how the counseling could help. Do you think she could be seeing someone else? In either case, if this was happening to me and I still truly loved my husband... I would do all I could. I would call him and leave a brief voice mail saying I was thinking about him.. I'd send a note or card once a week just to keep me on his mind. I wouldn't give up trying to get us back together. I'd always have to wonder the rest of my life if I had tried hard enough to win him back.

In my opinion, you should do as much as you can, or are comfortable doing, until your wife tells you it's not working or there IS hope. If it eventually comes to a point where you are trying and trying but not receiving any positive feedback from your wife.. then it would be time to sit down and have a serious talk with her. You don't want to be an ostrich with his head in the sand.. you have to hear the truth at some point and not let her string you along.

I think it's great that you're trying to keep the marriage together by going to counseling and being more accepting of things neither of you agree with. If everyone gave up, marriages would be like "throw away marriages or lives".

I'm glad you got her a Mother's Day gift. She is the mother of your children, after all.

As before, please keep us updated. Good luck to you!

Can I just say Familyman thank God for you, if there were more men like you there just might be a lot less divorces! I commend you for your efforts and being a real man!

I think it is okay to make the effort for you marriage, but really focus on you as well... its like killing 2 birds with one stone... you can't go wrong. It sounds like you are doing it for her and your marriage, but think of it for you personally as well. If you are making the efforts, and changes on your half... and it works out, great! If it doesn't, you did all you could. And showing her you are making the effort, with out the pressure for her... but you can tell her what you are learning, and hope that she makes the effort as well. If she doesn't, then it wasn't going to work anyway... a marriage can only work when 2 people are committed to making it work. :)
And I agree with the above person, KUDOS TO YOU!!

Hey thank you all so much. This is what I needed to hear. It gives me more hope to proceed. Delilah, I don't think she is seeing someone else. I asked her straight out about it a couple weeks ago, and she emphatically denied it. I know she has male friends from her bowling league. It's possible she has dated, or is dating one of them. But I am number 1, going to give her the benefit of the doubt that she is telling me the truth. And 2, it doesn't matter to me either way. I'm going to try to get her back anyway. I'll steal her back from the guy who stole her from me. And I won't give up unless she either says she's 100% out or 100% in.

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Some of the past did come up and she said she is having a hard time forgiving and forgetting. I told her that I have forgiven her for things she's done to hurt me, and hoped that she would be able to get to a better place; in time, and after counseling.

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Sorry to be pesky, or nosy but could you elaborate a bit on this comment. Just want to get a clear picture.

I know that when you are in the middle of this rollercoaster, a minute feels like an hour. I know you want this to happen now. YOu have to give it time. Continue to be patient. I do have to say that you are probably right in having this feelings of doubt. SHe isn't giving you much to work with. But again, that will happen in time.
Continue on your path - work on you. Either way, you will come out of this with a new prospective and that is never bad.

Thanks NowWhat, slow and steady. Got it.

Taliniman, to answer your question would take some time. Suffice it to say after 12 years of being together we have had our share of hurtful deeds. Basically, she is a walking financial disaster. I have had to bail her out countless times. And many times she has lied about payments not made, that hurt my good credit rating. Or not giving me all her income info when I did our taxes, and I ended up having to pay back taxes. Dumb stuff really. She makes good money, but can't save a nickel. Then she starts spending all of my money. Truthfully, I don't care about the money. I care about the honesty and trust surrounding it. Now what have I done? Well when I became an instant step-father I tried the best I could. I did a lot of good things for her kids. But I also tended to be too strict sometimes. I think it had to do with my upbringing. And also because I felt like the outsider, which I was. There's no excuse for my behavior but I did tend to be overbearing at times. It was just a tough situation for all of us. We should have been in counseling from the get go. When we separated, she left the house with the kids to go live with her mom and sister. The house is in my name, and I paid for it. I wasn't about to leave it to someone with no credit. I gave her 10K to help out when she left. I was just thinking she would go for a few months, and then come back. Well, she hasn't yet, and she still resents me for it. Since then, I have made peace with her kids. In fact we get along great. I have offered to expand my house so she and her mom and sister could come live with us. I have also offered to build a new home for everyone. Every time we have an argument , however, she just keeps bringing this up. It's like I'm getting sued constantly for the same crime. Even though it wasn't entirely my fault. And I've made amends for it. So I have forgiven her for the monetary problems. I have told her repeatedly that the money means nothing compared to out marriage. She just hasn't forgiven me for the separation. To me it's all in the past, and we can work through these issues. To her these problems keep reoccurring in her mind. I need to get her to counseling...

Did you initially want the separation? I am just wondering because if she is the one who wanted it - why would she need to forgive you?
Money is money - it does cause issues in a marriage - but you are right - it is more about trust and honesty.
She definitely needs counseling - to teach her how to let go of things. What good comes from beating a dead horse?
Like I said before, just keep on your path. You are not wrong to want to work this out. You are part of this marriage and you have a say. If you want this - don't just roll over. Do what you can to make it work.