Hello,

Ive been on this site for a couple of days now, just reading the many post that sound so much like mine. So I decided to share my story as well.

I am 29 yo and my stbxw is 25 we were together for 10 years married for 5 out of those 10.
We have a young 2 yo boy together which is my life. We met very young right after high school I was her first real boyfriend and she was my first real girlfriend. Our relationship was not the greatest but it was not the worst. We fought some times like everyone else. I think it had to do with our communication skills, I for one have a hard time showing emotions and she is very open about everything. Within the last year we have been very distant from each other, this march is when she dropped the whole I need space thing and if we were meant to be we will be in the future. Anyway I left the apartment we used to share and went to live with my mother... what a change in worlds when this happens.. During the first 2 months we were not speaking at all only regarding our son...

Around the 3rd month of nc she starts to ask me if I want to be friends and hangout like a family like we used to, I agreed and we have been seeing each other once a week to do something for our child and are constantly on the phone talking about each others live's work etc..

Now my question is... every time I hang out with her I still went home alone and it killed every time I used to go to square one every single time...

So today I told her that I think it was best that we stop seeing each other because I cannot handle the torture anymore... I basically said we cannot hang out or talk to each other anymore unless it has to do about our B...

Here's the thing instead of her asking why or trying to stop it from happening she just agreed with the whole thing... Her words "Good luck in life i wish nothing but the best for
you" I torn between 2 feelings right now...

Im stuck thinking did I just mess up my chance of being with my wife and child again

And thinking wow was she just stringing me along for the last couple of months with no intention of really giving our family a second chance...

You guys have the best advice as I am in need of some right now...

I think she has pretty well made up her mind that this is over and never had any intentions of getting back with you but was happy to be your friend.

On the other hand you seem to still have feelings for her that are beyond friendship and that's why it hurts when she doesn't express the same feelings.

I suggest still talking to her but only about your child when necessary , your not properly over her so aren't ready to be in the friend zone just yet.

Ok this is the thing now she just text me saying that she has not stopped crying since I told her that... she said that she heard our wedding song on the radio and could not help but to text me and tell me how much she was crying...

I ignored the text... So she said thanks for giving a f... and wanted to know if we were still exchanging Christmas gifts...

I don't know

Try COMMUNICATION and seeing what she is feeling. She seemed to be making an effort, is she stubborn by any chance?

I think you were on a path to develop a level of communications you never had before. For whatever reason you couldn't handle it, and when she didn't beg you to keep going... You quit.

Look guy you are tied to this female for a long time, and should never stop anything that promotes good relations, as a parent, and friend, for your sons sake, if nothing else.

Get your a$$ back on that path, and keep learning to cope with your feelings, and do the family things, through caring, communications and dedication.

This is far from over, so how dare you quit, because you can't handle your own emotions.

Just got off the phone with her and basically told her that I made a mistake in the choice I made. I told her that if she would like to continue seeing each other from time to time with our son that it would be nice... I also told her to continue to call me if she needs someone to talk to...

Her response was I don't know... because she is upset the way I approached her about it..

This is driving me crazy she will be here in 1 hour to drop off B... I am going to try and establish our communication once more... see what happens

Also about the stubborn issue... she is very very very stubborn

Let her be. Have fun with your son, and be patient, with yourself.

Sorry to be harsh, its just sitting on the pity pot is a pet peeve of mine, and prefer positive action, when faced with a dilemma.

I would never quit on my family, or myself, and I think your relationship benefits greatly, by you communicating, and not quitting on yourself.

I think your wife wanting space was a wake up call, not the end. I also suspect she is watching you carefully. Put your best into this. You have much to learn, and skills to develop.

Thanks for the advise... well we just finished the exchange of our son and the conversation went well... We both agreed that it was best that we continue to hang out together for our son... also to keep speaking on the phone as well...

We spoke about her job and other stuff in our life...


I have a question to ask...

I was thinking since we married young and never really experienced the world without one another could this be what she is looking for... Can a person woman or man be willing to split a family apart to pursue this curiosity... All her friends are single and "live the life" and I can't stop thinking that she thinks she missed out on all of that...

As for me I will hope for the best but prepare for the worst.. I am taking classes again now that I have some free time also going to join a gym...

Sorry for rant but I also have another big fear... I came from a broken home no father... and it kills me to think that one day another man will be a father figure to my son... I know there are a lot of great men out there and she is smart enough not to bring the wrong man in our sons life... its just the whole idea just seems so wrong...

So should I just lay low and let her contact me after this situation we went through...

Thanks

Ok I agreed with friend, but on reading the other posts I'd have to say I agree with Tal. I also think it's a good idea to let her contact you- as long as you've made her feel comfortable in doing so.

Your fears will create many obstacles for you if you don't learn to manage them better. No one can predict the future and no one can reassure you about what will happen with your situation. You should spend less energy trying to find answers than don't exist and spend more energy on bettering yourself, in every aspect (which from your post I believe you are trying to do with classes and joining a gym etc.) If you two end up back together, you will be an improved partner and if you don't, you will be an improved individual for the benefit or yourself and another potential woman. Focus on what you can control.

She has been acting very distant since I mentioned this to her... she will not call anymore like she used to... she will only text to see how the be is doing...

I know everyone says step up and be a man and live your life... but man does this hurt..

Last night I had a dream that she finally told me she was seeing someone else and I woke up crying like a baby... wow Ive never felt pain like this before... I cannot wait till till I don't feel like this anymore...

I actually had to deal with the "I am seeing someone else" line. It hurts, unlike anything I have ever felt. Actually, she was with this guy at the same place when I was out celebrating my birthday. It takes a long time to get over this, and a lot of tears and emotions will fall in between. You just got to remember that life goes on and you have to get up and face it, no matter what. I feel for your pain man!

I have another question...

She gets mad with me if I don't pick up the phone even if I don't have our son, she is always asking me if I am seeing someone.

Today she came to pick up our son and she thought I had a hickey on my neck.. lol Im 29 I was just itching my neck..

So she texted me that she couldn't believe I had that on me..
And she called twice I know its for that purpose.. I haven't picked up..

Why would she ask all these questions and be concerned if she doesn't want to be with me..

I don't understand

Should I take my ex wife and son to dinner tonight so that we can eat a thanks giving dinner as a family since we will be away from each other tomorrow...

If you need a briefing on what I'm going through read


This... https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-a-280233.html

You are definitely in a tough situation.

I think that it is time for you and your ex-wife to stop playing games with each other and agree to go to couples counseling and work it out or start taking some co-parenting classes and learn your boundaries for a healthy life apart.

Your whole adult lives have been focused on each other and your child together either you want to work it out or you don't but you need to decide that first so that you can both properly deal with your boundaries. And that is a decision that you both need to sit down and discuss.

Even if she hates you, she will still get jealous, so don't be confused by the ways of a female, and don't read anything into it. That will drive you NUTS!

Came across this to late, and am curious what went down.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Came across this to late, and am curious what went down.

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It never went down we were supposed to eat breakfast yesterday but I over slept and never heard the alarm clock... lol.

Well I got an ear full yesterday.. she basically was saying thanks for ruining her holiday and that I pretty much messed up all the "process I was making in changing to be a better person" and that I will never change and how much I hurt her.. That I don't see the bigger picture.. etc

And then she calls me Today to tell me how much more stuff she bought me today on black Friday for christmas... And basically just acting like yesterday never happened...

Women are hard to read...

Tell me about it, and I stopped trying a long time ago!

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Originally Posted by firsttimedumped

And then she calls me Today to tell me how much more stuff she bought me today on black friday for christmas...And basically just acting like yesterday never happened...

Women are hard to read....

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Maybe she realized she over reacted and this is her way of saying she's sorry.

I agree with ZoeMarie, sounds like a small apology.

Either way when she is nice, appreciate it, just like the weather, things can change real fast.

We went out today to do some Christmas shopping for our son...
She is always asking if I have a girlfriend and questions in that sense and I don't think nothing of it..

So she is going away for a couple of days on a mini vacay... And jokingly I said Oh your going on a vacation with your new boyfriend..

She exploded... lol Saying I will never change... She loves me so much but I just keep pushing her away and there is nothing that I do that is pulling her back in... why is it OK for her to say it then... I also made the mistake of interrupting her half through a sentence and she said that's why we will never be together "because I dont listen"... She says this a lot...

I swear Im starting to think that its not me... I feel like I have to walk on a tight rope when Im around her...

She says I should think before I speak...

She hates my family... She thinks when we were together I choose my family over her.. I never stuck up for her or us against my family... I can't defend myself because she would say... oh is that your family putting that in your head...

I keep hearing the same sentence over and over...

"I love you so much and would do anything for you but I can't forget and let go of the past thats why Im always mad"

I love this women to death... But Im starting to tell myself.

I think she hates me... lmao

I swear if I can get past the fact of her being with another I person I would get through this a lot easier... I know its selfish
And an ego thing... But Im stuck on that...

What's makes me so mad is that Im constantly feeling... Oh did I just screw up the chances... should I have said this, maybe I shouldn't have said that.. or maybe I couldve did this...

Also she is constantly saying the reason she is also mad is because she felt she invested so much time in us and got screwed in the end.. I tell you I never cheated never hit her wasn't a drug addict worked to pay the bills... worked to put her in her new career... I don't regret it just putting it out there.. The only thing I'm guilty of is letting the marriage go stale.. Didnt go out with her as much as we did and that sort of thing... but that is easily fixable... I take full responsibility for that one...

Maybe I will never change...

Maybe I need to read more of your posts but how does she figure she got screwed in the end?

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Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

maybe I need to read more of your posts but how does she figure she got screwed in the end?

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Because she feels that Im the reason she is a single mother and has to do everything on her on now... Basically saying Im the reason she is in the S%$# circumstance she is in now...

Have you sat down and discussed what the intent is now? Are you trying to work this marriage out or are you trying to find a way to work together for your son and go your separate ways?

It sounds like you are both on different pages, you have to know what your effort is before you can make this relationship healthy.

My ex wife came over today to drop off my son... She brought food to cook breakfast...
I helped her make breakfast and we enjoyed a meal together with our son.

So we hung out for the remaining of the morning laughed and everything. I tried to get a kiss out of her but she says she feels uncomfortable. She had no problem showing me affection a month ago..

Anyway she says she has to go... I ask her to stay maybe we can go do something with our son.. but she said she has stuff to do... She usually tells me in detail about what she does but this time it felt weird.. I know its none of my business but it just felt weird..

She told me that we need to take our new relationship very slow..

I don't know if I'm looking too much into it but I believe she might have a new interest..
I tried to rub her hair and she was more worried about me messing up her hairdo before she left than to receive the affection.. And just the fact that she will not let me touch her or giver her any form of affection anymore.. We been apart for 8 months and been messing around till last month..

Am I right or am I looking for something to blame her for

Are you working things out or seeing other people?

If you can't explain the status of where the relationship is, it is very difficult to assist. The answer depends on what you are both trying to accomplish. It is clear your intent is to mend your relationship, but it isn't clear if that is her intent. She sounds like she is uncertain.

I am not seeing anyone...

I would love to mend the relationship but she does not want to.. If not we would be together I think.. She keeps saying she loves me to death but cannot be with me right now maybe and if in the future if we can work on our friendship first..

I am trying my hardest but I'm starting to think I'm getting screwed here...

Remember she's 25 and I am the only man she has ever been with..
And she also thrown this in the air.. "You had your 15 minutes before you met me"

I think with her statement of not wanting to work this out at this time, you HAVE TO try and move on from this. I understand you have a child together and this is very difficult for you. This reason you are having so many mixed emotions is you are not on the same page with where the relationship is at.

She will always love you, you are her first love, but she is telling you that at this time she doesn't want to be with you like that anymore. You have to move on with your life like this relationship will not work out. You have to remain in contact for your child, but you have to ensure that contact is ONLY ABOUT YOUR CHILD. You have to stop idolizing the fact that this will work out in the end. Than if it does you are in for a pleasant surprise but if it doesn't you have deal with the grief and are in a better place for your child.

This all so terribly sad...for this young boy helplessly sitting around, waiting for the sky to fall around him because his parents choose not to act like the grown ups that they are. Firsttimedumped - I'm sorry for the harshness and believe me when I tell you that I understand the pain that you feel, I know it's very real. But, I also know that you are throwing away the opportunity put before you to redeem your family. Marriage is for better or for worse, right? Even when your spouse is stubborn, even when your spouse is immature, even when your spouse hurts your feelings. You say you got married very young, she was one of your first real girlfriends and you were one of hers but you're not in your teens anymore. We can't keep looking at things as though we were still in the same place because we're not. Life goes on, we grow up (hopefully) and we roll with the punches and enjoy the fruits of our labor. We have to accept that there are just some things we can't change. You married young, you didn't get to live life, explore, discover the world and other people...so what! That is spilled milk. You can't go back and unspill it. So glass half empty. But remember instead your glass is half full, you have a beautiful son and a potential family that can wind up more beautiful and meaningful than you ever imagined. Marriage is work and lots of it. Marriage is about grace, forgiving even when they don't deserve it, the way God has grace on us. It's patient, it's kind. People have a tendency to allow other people's actions to dictate their own. For example, you say she said she was unsure as to whether or not she wanted to take you back yet she shows jealousy and suspicion and wants to know where you are all the time, so, that frustrates you right? To feel frustration is normal, what you do with that feeling is entirely different. Don't let that frustration dictate what to do. Instead, stop, take a breather, acknowledge TO YOURSELF and ONLY TO YOURSELF that she's being unreasonable and realize that her feelings are probably stemming from insecurity, so instead show compassion and love. Easier said than done, I know, but so is brushing your teeth or combing your hair. For the sake of your son, forget about you for a moment, forget about that tendency to say, well, what about my happiness and put him first. If you feel anger or resentment toward your wife (cause she is still your wife, stop calling her your ex) don't show it, if you're confused, pray about it and wait on an answer, if you feel hopeless, don't, things are not all lost yet. You have total control over what you do or say, even if it's difficult and hurtful to be the good guy, the strong guy, do so in a loving way. Your wife will see that, she may not say anything about it at first, but she will see it. Be consistent, nothing grows distrust more than being flip-floppy with your love and effort to change. Don't be so quick to point out to her what she's doing wrong, instead stop and ask yourself, how did I contribute to this? I don't know if you've tried acknowledging to your wife that you realize how much it hurt your marriage to not communicate and really want to share and hear her and tell her how sorry you are and how much you want it to change. It's not too late, you need to hang tough and focus on the prize because marriage and family was never meant to be disposable. If you can, take your wife out to the movies to see "Fireproof", we've needed a movie like that for a long time. If you can't find it near you, it will be out on DVD January 26th! God bless you and give you an extra portion of His wisdom.

I know.. But its so hard I have never been through this before and I am so afraid of losing my marriage...

I know what your saying we hang out and she leaves OK because she feels we have a good friendship and I leave hurt because I want more. Ive brought up nc to her before and she told me she was crying a lot when I told her.. but I think I have to do it this time and mean it..

Maybe she does need to meet other men to appreciate who I am as a person... but I refuse to be there when and if she does realize that I don't think that is fair at all.. im really big on the whole loyalty thing...

Ive never felt pain like this in the whole 28 years of my life and just want it to go away..

Also she really thinks of me as a friend because she tells me about how other men are always hitting on her and try to be with her and tells me it gives her an ego boost... how do you care about someone but then say something like that.. does she not realize that crushes me inside or does she just not care... 8 months later and I still can't get over her and I know its because we still hang out...

So how do make the change from trying to giving up.. I don't know

I hate to hear your story, it is so painful and I understand how difficult the situation is. We have all been through it but we all try to avoid going through it also. What you are doing right now is not facing it, cause that is less painful, but you are actually causing yourself more pain this way and definitely more confusion.

Sounds to me like she is feeling selfish, she wants attention because she married and settled down so young and now she regrets that choice. It is not your fault, but you are the one paying for it. You need to let her have her time, deal with what you can handle later, if it happens.

You need to reinforce a NC order, it is extremely painful, but she is playing games because she is confused and you are going to have to stand up for yourself in order to get yourself better. Maybe enforcing the NC will help her to realize that although the attention is flattering, having the man she married and loves in her life is more important, but you have to face a life without her as your partner. If you can't you will end up enemies because your hurt will turn into anger and bitterness.

Thanks for taking the time to give me advice...

She is being very selfish because she gets very jealous if she even thinks that I might be spending time with another female.

Ok so Should I start doing the nc without her knowing and turning down invitations to get together or should I just come straight out and tell her to stop calling me unless its for our son and that we cannot hang out anymore..

I would talk to her but you need to seriously sit down and talk. Give her notice that you would like to get together so that she can prepare. Make time when your son is not there/in bed so that the conversation can be handled with complete attention and I would tell her everything, lay it all out on the line.

You are not on the same page, you want to work it out, she wants to experience new things, but that a "friendship" can't work when you have two very different goals. That you love her too much to be in the middle and you definitely don't want your son in the middle or to end up hurt and angry.

Thanks will do

I just have one more question how do I accept the fact that she will be intimate with someone else. That part is the worst every time it crosses my mind I almost start to cry and it hurts to all hell..

There will not be anything you can do about that, but I HIGHLY suggest not thinking about it. Right now, just worry about you, you can't worry about what she is doing. As far as you know she will never be intimate with anyone else. Don't drive yourself paranoid worrying about something you can't control.

The break up of a marriage, is not like a dating relationship, especially where there are kids concerned. Actually your tied at the hip for years, until that child grows, and goes.

The only way it works for you both, is if the focus is on giving the children all the love you can, and work together on it. As a dad, you HAVE to be friendly with your ex, but smart enough to communicate the need to heal, and be whole yourself. You need stability as does she.

You both have to define new boundaries of behavior to survive, and be healthy, so stop the flirting, but just be a respectful partner, and get to the business of raising your kid together.

That means don't let her talk to you like a girlfriend. That alone will help you get through this difficult time, and allow you to at least put your life in order with out her.

I know your hurting, she is to, but its time to stand up for your own rights, and don't just go along with her program, that keeps you miserable. Thats not fair is it?? She can have a social life apart from you, and you can't?

Get busy with yourself, while your being the good dad! Make sure you have time for yourself, and make the most of it.

This is funny but I usually think about my ex after I eat is that strange...