We have been married for 15 years with two kids (12 & 9). I have a good job and she has her own business. We both make good money (she makes more). There have been lot of ups and downs in our relationship but we always made up and forgave. Not this time. She said she has no feeling for me anymore and divorce is best for everyone. I want to work things out. I have suggested marriage counseling but she said no.
Here is the series of events that lead to her decisions:
1. My parents lived with us. My wife and my mom fought once last year and made up
2. Her Niece (22yrs old) moved in the house two months ago. My parents moved out without saying any reasons.
3. Her father came for a visit and we were out (she stayed home) to see a movie. When We came home she was pissed off because the house is a mess.
4. Next morning her father told me I should clean the house since she works six days a week.
5. I got mad because there are two women in the house and I am expected to all the house work. I made everyone (include me) to clean the house on Sunday.
I work too, I take care of the kids, help them with homework...
6. I had a talk with her Father and I told her father if it were not for the Kids I would have walked out of this house long time ago. He then told her and she got pissed off and wanted divorce.
I have apologized and done lots of things to make up but nothing works. She said she needed some time to think about divorce or not.
What do you think I should do? I do not want divorce.

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I told her father if it were not for the Kids I would have walked out of this house long time ago.

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Obviously there are many issues brewing in this marriage besides the specifics you've listed in your post.

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I do not want divorce.

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Is that only because of the kids? Not to say that that's not a legitimate reason to stay together but if that's your only reason then you and your wife have some serious problems. Why does she refuse marriage counseling? To me that shows an unwilling spirit on her part. In this case you may have to be prepared to let her go. But make her life a living hell by fighting her for everything in court ; the house, the kids, alimony, child support, even the dog. Get yourself a good, experienced divorce lawyer now.

I wouldn't say make her life a living hell in court. If you do that your children will be the ones who suffer.

If she insists on a divorce, the children will suffer no matter what so that's a moot point.

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Originally Posted by s_cianci

Obviously there are many issues brewing in this marriage besides the specifics you've listed in your post.Is that only because of the kids? Not to say that that's not a legitimate reason to stay together but if that's your only reason then you and your wife have some serious problems. Why does she refuse marriage counseling? To me that shows an unwilling spirit on her part. In this case you may have to be prepared to let her go. But make her life a living hell by fighting her for everything in court ; the house, the kids, alimony, child support, even the dog. Get yourself a good, experienced divorce lawyer now.

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You are correct. We have lots of problems but none of the problems is worth for divorce.
She never acted this way before (like I am her enemy).
I don't not want divorce not because of her money, but because of the kids and I still have feeling for her.
She refuses marriage counseling because I refused in the past and because she said she does not have a problem.
We do not have any dog. We do have two rental properties.
Thanks,

You have a significant relationship with your children; therefore, I would not be the one to leave. If she decided to leave, then work out the budget to where all the bills get paid and let her go. Wait about 60 - 90 days and reassess what the relationship means to both of you and where you want it to go. It is no fun being miserable.

It is difficult to maintain focus on a marriage when there are children. You have added extended family to the mix. The two of you need some time together to talk. If she insists on separation, make her move.

Thank you for your reply. We both love our children very much and none of us will leave without them. This could get ugly if we end up divorcing.

It doesn't have to get ugly, so please do whatever you can to adjust that. I guess it gets ugly when someone is totally selfish.

It looks like you opened up your house to relatives and they took over your household. It's good to help family out but they need to respect your space. Give your wife some positive output and she won't be thinking of walking out.

I finally realize that having extended family in the house is poisonous for our relationship. But there is nothing I can do now. I made the decision and have to live with it.

I have apologized for what I said. She will have to figure out what she wants. I will not beg her for any thing.

I do not understand what you mean by giving my wife some positive output. Some examples will help. Thanks.

Obviously you need to figure what she is mad about, and what is behind her dissatisfaction, as you cannot work together without talking. You are right about one thing, the relatives have to go. I can imagine the stress level. Apologies do nothing, if nothing has changed. Maybe you need a separation, and not a divorce.

She told me that she has planned this for several months now. Her problem is that she believes the outsiders (friend, relatives, her family... ). These people are like poisonous snakes. I hope some day she will realize that.

I think our relationship is over and I am prepared to take the next step.

Could you explain how separation works?

How can I tell the Kids? They will need counseling. Will school provide that?

Thanks,

In that case give her what she wants and make sure you keep the relationship with your kids.

I can easily walk away because everything is on her name including rental properties.

I am not so sure that I want to walk away. I imagine a new guy moves in and enjoys what I have worked so hard for 15 years. I don't think I can take that. Maybe I am too selfish.

No just confused, go fishing for a few days, let the dust settle and gather your thoughts. Your wife seems to have a lot of power, and her family a lot of influence over her.

You made a list of issues that may have caused a problem.
Now sit down the two of you and make a list of your good points and bad points of yourselves and your marriage...
When was the last time you laughed and cuddled together why not??
Where are the points the two of you are sticking on. These are the things you would be talking about with someone else if you went for counselling. Think long and hard before you start accussing someone of not doing something that should be done or doing somethng that someone does not like. Do you do something that is at fault.
What can you do yourself to repair what has been done. Sometimes a little gesture that can start the ball rolling for to say your are working on it.
Do you make time for the two of you for yourselves if you both work. Or is it work, housework family and extra family.
When was the last time you had the house to the two of you were you can spend time doing things just yourselves. What is it that you are missing in this area.
Look and double check.

I agree with George. She claims she works so hard that you are the one that has to take care of all the household chores. How does she figure she will be able to all of a sudden deal with the house when she couldn't before?

Also explain to her how people say things they don't mean when they are upset.
If she is so set on claiming she doesn't love you anymore then she too must have been harboring negative feelings for you and using your words against you to her convenience.

Honestly, from what I have read it all looks likea case of mismanaged stress form both of you. I would really sit down, maybe take a little weekend vacation with your wife. Set out the things that are done cosistantly, house chores etc. Act just like parents dividing up chores... make sure each persona has a responsibility and they know it. Put everything in black and white. Make sure she gets time for herself, spa days, weekends away, time to just get out and go shopping and drink some damn Starbucks. The same for you. You guys sound like a good couple who are just stressed by life in general. Your marriage isn't the issue. Life is the issue. Learn how to relax, start excercising regularly, break your routine a little. I know how stressful owning a business can be and it sucks that we let it spill over into home life, but just be honest with her, tell her to rest a little and start coping with the stress in a healthy way. DON'T PISS AWAY A MARRIAGE OVER THIS!

Thank you all for everything. Even though my situation is not getting any better, I feel much better today because of your advice, suggestion, encouragement...

I have accepted that our marriage is over. I will wait for her to make a move. In the meantime, I will see the lawyer for some legal advice. What do you think?

It is too bad it has to end this way but I will be O.K. Not so sure about the kids.

Anymore help is greatly appreciated!

Speaking only for me, but I would stay for the kids; I would get legal advice, counseling if necessary; and she leaves. Of course, if your wife gets a lawyer and asks for the home and custody, she will probably get that; that's just the way it is, unless you are prepared to make the big argument that it will be in the best interest of the children that you have custody of them. You may have an enlightened judge who will listen.

I wouldn't do anything without a well thought out plan. Giving up under stress is so easy, but it takes hard work, for a marriage to work, and given the circumstances, removing yourself from this chaos for a while, will give your wife a chance to see what its like without you, and give you a chance to gain perspective of your thoughts, feelings, and actions you will take. If a lawyer is indeed needed, then that can be done with a clear conscious.

I do not mean to give up but it seems hopeless right now. I thought about leaving the house for about a month to give her a chance to see what its like without me, but I could not do it because:
1. Who will take care the kids. Who will help then with homework. She works six day week and she is not home until after 8:00PM. I work night shift.
2. How do I tell them.
3. Will they be O.K mentally without me.

This sucks. I never feel this low before. Help!!

You wrote: "two kids (12 & 9)." This is when it is toughest, and when you must be prepared to give the most. Whoever leaves needs to live close by so that you can take care of the little ones. If it were me, I would not leave because I wouldn't want my kids to have two dads. I would stay in there until the younger one is around 17 years. I would consider adding a separate bedroom for you or your wife so that you can live in peace.

Anyone agree or disagree with George's post above? Why or why not?
Thanks,

Positive response means don't dwell in the pass it sounds like everything your dealing with is yesterdays negative. Try starting your day with what you want to happen today. The past is the past. And I don't believe begging is the right thing to do unless you would be happy jumping ever time she says jump. A relationship is two people trying to keep a balance in family and work. The way that I deal with my problems is by visualizing what I want in life. I believe positive thinking brings positive things. And also if you keep on that negative path bringing up yesterday that brings negative results. So the whole idea is to change your way of thinking so your happy with your out come.

I agree with George she is the one that wants out of the relationship so she can take all the consequences of being the one to leave especially since you take care of the kids and the house.
Then once she gets settled and on a schedule somewhere else, if she wants visitations with the kids then let her.

You seem to be very nice person to think of your kids more that you think of yourself. God bless you!
Since you apologize and tried your best to keep the marriage, you will be free of any guilt. That is a good
Thing. One day, she will realized that life sakes without you. It is a matter of time. Even in this difficult
Time try to stay positive and do the right thing for your kid's sake. At the mean time, try your best if you can
Make the relationship work. Your kids need to know what is going on. They may be a tool to convince her as
Well. They need to talk to her. May be her heart will be open to them and listen. It is important that the kids knows
That you are trying to apologize and make this work.

About letting family moves in while you are married, tell me about it? That is a disaster. I have been there and I know this. Please try to avoid that if things work out in the future.
I will pray for you and your family so everything will work out fine.

I have 2 children 12 & 13 and am currently weighing divorce. I take care of the children most of the time.She works 55 hours a week and spends little time with them(one of my biggest problems with our marriage). She also makes much more $ than I do. I will request custody of the kids, and I would imagine she won't put up a fight. Would your wife? I have started documenting instances and time that I have spent with the kids, and her lack of. Sounds weird but I know I am the better parent and they deserve all the love and attention and time that I give. I suggest you do the same. Also talk to the five best divorce lawyers in your area NOW. Usually the first meeting is free and once they have met with you they,and their firms, can not represent your wife. Be prepared, for your kids sake. Talk to your children, they are old enough to understand and should know.

She wants a divorce, let her leave, and you keep your house flowing smoothly without her. Seems this started over a dumb statement to her father, and he told her. Let her have all the space she needs, while you deal with what you have to, and not worry about her. Its her decision let her make it.

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Originally Posted by feel your pain

i have 2 children 12 & 13 and am currently weighing divorce. i take care of the children most of the time.She works 55 hours a week and spends little time with them(one of my biggest problems with our marriage). She also makes much more $ than i do. i will request custody of the kids, and i would imagine she wont put up a fight. Would your wife? i have started documenting instances and time that i have spent with the kids, and her lack of. Sounds weird but i know i am the better parent and they deserve all the love and attention and time that i give. i suggest you do the same. Also talk to the five best divorce lawyers in your area NOW. usually the first meeting is free and once they have met with you they,and their firms, can not represent your wife. be prepared, for your kids sake. Talk to your children, they are old enough to understand and should know.

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I have tried to work thing out but she refuses to give it a try. I made up my mind last week. We will get a divorce. I told the children. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. The kids took it better than I thought, but I am still trying to get some professional help for them. My soon to be ex wife said she would fight for the kids. She loves the children as much as I do, but she does not understand or know how they feel, what they like... not at all. It is sad!

I have done the things that you suggested. Thanks.

We have chose not to fight. Read my post "Be Roommate After Divorce". I know it 's weird but I do it for the kids sake.

I would suggest you do everything you could before even thinking about divorce.

Good luck to you and keep in touch. Come here and vent if needed. I have learned a lot from the people on this site.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

She wants a divorce, let her leave, and you keep your house flowing smoothly without her. Seems this started over a dumb statement to her father, and he told her. Let her have all the space she needs, while you deal with what you have to, and not worry about her. Its her decision let her make it.

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I agree. The problem is that she said she would not leave without the kids and I do not want her to move the kids to her business which has no back yard... It is like putting the kids in jail. So I have to be her roommate for a while after divorce.

Marriage is so addicting, that I often compare divorce to stopping cigerette smoking. This is because the success for stopping cold turkey is higher than those who call themselves gradually quitting. However, as the United Negro College Fund slogan goes, the mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Women are so confusing because the want to have their cake and eat it to. Women have the most sinful nature. Guys can be bad, but it was the woman initially who was deceived by satan to eat the apple. Just think if that apple was sex. Eve would have been lured into bed after hearing a few good words. So, if you are talking about honestly, she will let you know about her actions, she is not the one. On the other hand, maybe she is, but have just gotten board.

It is a fact: A person who won't TREAT you right, damn sure will not TEACH you right. Imagine a slave going to the slave master asking, "master, how can I be free? Chances are he will not tell him the truth so that the slave master himself can keep the advantage. Same is so with women. They may not tell you the truth about your corny jokes not being funny. Or the sex not being all that great. Or there is someone else, for example. If you tell a woman that I will paint your house when you meet her and 15 years past and she still have old paint chipping off her house, it is very unlikely that she is going to stick around to be disappointed by any more of your broken promises. She deserves a new painter, but may not tell you in effort to get you to stick around just in case the new painter call in sick. So the move is on you.

When it comes to marriage, there is no right or wrong answers. It all boils down to choices. If the two of you can not choose to be with each other, then your marriage is already over - despite the papers. Unthink marriage.

Hope this answers your question!