My partner and I have this same issue recurringly so I am very sympathic to your wife's position, but the one thing I have learned is that this is very difficult to change on a consistent basis, but it's well worth the effort.

When two people love each other there is a natural desire to be in physical contact. When you are in a comfortable non-affectionate relationship one partner feels they are always making in the extra effort for physical contact and the affection is not returned.

Make this a daily effort, there is a fabulous book called the five love languages that gives wonderful tips on understanding the way she communicates love and being able to share that language with her.

Don't expect any miracles, she probably loves you but has long since given up on the fact that she can get what she wants in a relationship with you. Take things one day at a time and keep me posted ;)

BMI I have stated my intentions and that's the problem all I did was talk I never tried to win her love back..

Another thing we only get to see one another once a week when we exchange our son, so how do I go about showing her the other six days..

Calls asking her how her day was
Send flowers to her office

Quote:

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Originally Posted by firsttimedumped

BMI I have stated my intentions and that's the problem all i did was talk I never tried to win her love back..

Another thing we only get to see one another once a week when we exchange our son, so how do i go about showing her the other six days..

Calls asking her how her day was
Send flowers to her office

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Save flowers for special occasions.
Definitely call. Show her that you care about her. Communication is huge.
Once you guys get comfortable again, try to see her more often.
I'm sure your kid has activities? Why don't you spend time with her then?
Do you work far from each other? Can you meet up for lunch?

We live about a half an hour away from each other.. The thing is our work schedule I work during the day and she works at night so its really hard for us to meet up.. I get out at 4 she starts at 4.

Our son does have many activities but again the work schedule comes into play..

First buy the book.

Then start courting your ex wife again.

You will find time even with your conflicting work schedules. Meeting her for dinner will be easier since she works nights.

Book to gain tips.

- Cook her dinner and bring it to her
- Buy her dinner and bring it to her
- Meet up for dinner together

It's a stretch, but since she works at night, maybe she can meet you for lunch.

Try to do activities together as a family, with her and your kid.

Don't forget, don't push her too much, cause you don't want to scare her away. Just ease into this. Take it 1 day at the time and see how she reacts.

Thank you for all of the advise..

I will take it one day at a time. Tomorrow I will start with the card hopefully she will like it and we can enjoy a nice movie together..

I posted this in letter to our exes a little while back. Should I show her or just keep it to myself



I feel so sad the pain that I have in my heart hurts more than any physical pain I have ever experienced. It hurts so much because the reason she is no longer by my side is all my fault.

I would give up everything just to wake up next to her in the mornings again.
I pray over and over again for god to give me the strength and wisdom to either let it go and accept it or teach me the way to be a better man.

She is so sweet and kind and loving. She even blessed me with a wonderful little boy. So why is she not here, because I didn't show her the love and the affection she deserved. I stopped telling her how much I loved her an how much I appreciated her. My hugs and kisses turned into foul words towards my wife.

Instead of telling her thank you I asked her to do more. She had the whole weight of the relationship on her back and I wasn't helping her carry it.

But now it's too late and I lost the only person that ever truly understood me. Will she ever see that I really understand what went wrong with us, I don't think so.

I wish I knew all the right things to say and do to her so that we can fall in love again and start our family over on a new leaf.

But she doesn't believe I can be the man she is looking for. She lost my trust after many broken promises I made. That's the hardest part trying to gain back the trust that I lost, and knowing again that it was all my fault.

I'd wait a bit before showing her this. At least until you guys are together again. This letter has very pessimistic. Right now, you want to focus on optimistic stuff.

Like you said in the letter, you want to gain back her trust. So focus on being there for her emotionally and physically. Show her that you care about her well-being by talking and listening to her. You're going to have to suck it up and focus all the attention on helping her. Your own personal pain will have to take a backseat for now.

I am going to go against the grain, and strongly advise you to put a lot more into the relationship between you, and your child, and a lot less on her. Be a good parenting partner, and let that be your focus, more than trying to win her back.

You really need to concentrate on you, without her influence. Trust me, she will see your behavior, and improvements for herself, but you will not be doing it to get her back, but to be at peace with yourself.

A year is no time to heal after a 10 year marriage, and I feel your pain, but its about the adjustments you make for yourself, and your child, NOT getting her back and returning to the life you were comfortable in. Leave the personal stuff alone, and focus on cooperating with her to keep your child happy, so they can be loved, and feel loved, now that would be much more impressive than dinner, flowers or dating. Its also the correct thing for a father to do.

This also will help with your healing, and keep you focused on the right things, as making more time for your son is better than worrying about how your wife feels, and gets you out of the need to prove a darn thing to her. That doesn't mean be rude, but be INDEPENDENT. It gives her the space to do her thing, and lets you do yours.

Sorry for your loss, but patience, and focus on what's really important, is a much more positive, and productive way, to be a father first, and love yourself right now.

Let her see you happy with who you are, and handle your real business on being a loving dad, without MOM. That goes a lot further than flowers, and to the one who needs attention the most.

Greenie ^
l

Ok update

She called me this morning to ask if I can help her get her car inspected so I agreed to help her since I know a well known mechanic. She meets me at the shop we drop off the car and go out to eat breakfast with our son. Breakfast goes well eye contact laughter and no dull moments.

Then after we go to the movies to watch Monsters Vs aliens (wasnt funny at all) and have some dinner. Again joking around with each other and everything is going fine. The whole time I'm trying to touch her lightly and feel her out she did not jump away from my touches..

Ok I know I should not read into what she told me on the way home but here goes.. She said that she had a wonderful time hanging out the whole day and she did not feel uncomfortable at all.. And I know that sentence means just that nothing more nothing less.

Taliman I understand exactly what your saying during this separation I have managed to finish school and get a better job for me not for her.

Thanks again for all the advice

Sounds like a really good day. I know that you want to be careful and not be over-confident, but you can give yourself a little bit of credit.

I'm going to agree with part of what Talaminan said, you should really focus on your son, but win her heart back at the same time. Today was a perfect example.

If you are going to get back together with your ex wife, you're not only going to live with her, but you have your son as well.

Whatever you do with your wife now, you have to keep your son's best interests first. Spend more time with the three of you (or just with your son only), once a week is too little. You have to be committed to her and your son.

If he's in school or at an activity, then do something alone with her.

Hi First,

What about marriage counseling? Have you and your wife ever considered that?

Thanks for all again..

Yes that is my plan to make myself better so that my son can have an excellent future. At the same time try to patch up things with his mother so we can do it as a family.

Today I have to go with my son to his grandmothers house which is only 5 minutes from where she lives. So I figured I would ask her if she would like to join our son and I for some brunch before she heads off to work.

Her response was thank you but she has a lot to take care of and to slow down..

What do you guys think..

Starlite1 I have asked but she does not want to attend..

Iwish I forgot to mention a conversation we had a little while back about the relationship..
She told me that she tried to hard to save the marriage and has gotten used to being alone and does not want to try anymore..

That might be a big help letting you guys know how she feels.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by firsttimedumped

Thanks for all again..


Her response was thank you but she has a lot to take care of and to slow down..

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Was she telling you to slow down or that she wanted a slow day for herself?

Take the hint, more alone time with your son, and STOP, trying to get her back. Back away from her my friend.

Not to get her back, but to get you use to being without her.

Ever miss someone who is always giving you attention??

Quote:

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Originally Posted by firsttimedumped

Starlite1 I have asked but she does not want to attend..

Iwish I forgot to mention a convo we had a little while back about the relationship..
She told me that she tried to hard to save the marriage and has gotten used to being alone and does not want to try anymore..

That might be a big help letting you guys know how she feels.

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If she said that, it means that you're going to have to back off... but...

I know I'm going against our expert Talaminan, but personally, if you are acting in the best interest of your son, I feel that you should try to win her back so that your son can have his real parents as a family. I bet if you ask him, he would you want two to get back together as well.

So I wouldn't give up so easily. HOWEVER, it does not mean she wants you back. This process is going to take a LOT of "time" and "patience". I'm not sure if you want to move on with your life and one day find another woman, which means a step mom for your son. Then the possibility that your ex wife finds a new husband, so then a step-dad. In my opinion, that's not the most ideal situation for your son, but others may disagree.

Like I said in an earlier post, you have 10 years of neglect to make up for. If you are willing to be REALLY patient and take things slowly to rebuild her trust, I believe that you can win her back.

Starlite she was telling me to slow down in trying to spend time with her...

If a friend of mine wrote the sentence I just did I wouldve called him an idiot.. I guess love is blind.. wow