I think your 'opening' letter is extremely well-worded, familyman. You obviously took time to find the right words, putting blame on no one in particular. I think the letter should be read out loud at the very beginning of the session. You're right, it sounds like a very good ice breaker and sets the mood for what you have on your mind. You're upfront and open.. no hidden agendas. I pray that your wife comes with an open-mind and is ready to work towards getting back together as a family again. You have my prayers and best wishes. Please let us know how the session fared out for you, familyman2.

Take care... having positive thoughts for you.

I read the letter at the outset and the therapist commented favorably. Then she asked my wife if it moved her and she responded somewhat ambivalently. The main core of the session was of my wife blaming me for things in the past. She really came across as the martyr and took no responsibility for any past problems. She also said that I have personality issues that I am not even aware of, and that I need counseling to work them out. She just can't fathom how I can tell her I love her and then be so hurtful the next minute. I bit my tongue hard! The counselor suggested we spend at least one evening a week talking on the phone for ten minutes, or getting together for a quick coffee, but my wife said she "just isn't there yet". She has agreed to come back for more counseling, however.
I have begun to think I am dealing with a sociopath. I am so confused. She has me thinking I am some damaged personality unworthy of her, due to being so cold and hurtful.
I thought I was being a loving husband all this time. What was I thinking?
Now I feel like my whole marriage has been a rouse for her twisted benefit. Now that she has no need for me why bother? But still I am having a difficult time . I have such strong beliefs that you don't abandon family. I would die for them, including my wife. But she doesn't seem to have any empathy for me. I want to help her so much, but I don't know how, or if there is even a way. I pray that she would open up her heart to me and see what kind of pain this is causing. Maybe if we stick to the counseling we can eventually work it all out.
I knew the first session would be rough, but the realization that my wife might be mentally ill has me grieving unbearably. The sane advice would be to cut and run. But this goes so deeply against my belief system that I can't even consider it right now. Maybe I am overreacting. This was just the first session, and I need to remain calm, patient, and objective.

I feel you, its tough and will get tougher, hang in and take heart. Your doing the right thing for you both.

You did not get here overnight - so the solution will not come overnight either. I know you wanted so badly for this session to be the magic cure for your problems. That a light bulb would go off in your wife's head and she would look at you and realize she can't live with out you. But, the reality is - this is going to take time. I know it is easy to sit here and say to remain calm and patient. That is what you have to do now. Try to implament the plan your therapist has given you - even if your wife doesn't seem open to it. If she has agreed to contiune to go to counseling - then you both need to do what the therapist is recommending.
If you call her and she isn't willing to talk or if you ask her out for coffee and she isn't open to that - at least you tried.
She has stated that you have issues you need to work on - tell her that you can not do that alone and you need HER help.
Good Luck

familyman2, I feel there is still hope since your wife made the decision to go to counseling. Perhaps she used this first session to cover her insecurities and guilt by putting the burden on you. Perhaps she wanted the therapist to see you as not the 'good guy', since she (wife) missed out on the first couple of sessions that you had alone. I can't believe that she actually thinks that she has no part in the separation! She couldn't possibly think that she has been the martyr the entire time. She obviously is in a lot of denial and hopefully the counselor is trained well enough to get through to her. It's a two way street.. always a two way street. Even in the most loving marriages.. ones where communication flows... there are times where one or the other partner could have said or done something better. Hang tight, familyman2... I'm 'thinking' that your wife came armed to her first session wanting the therapist to see her as the perfect spouse and had wanted to vent. Once the therapist gets into things, your wife should be able to begin to sort things out... hopefully. I had always thought from beginning that the two of you need to stay in touch by sort calls or going for coffee. It gives you two time with one another to talk as friends.. light conversation, not heavy.
Always keeping strong, positive thoughts for you, familyman. Keep us updated and stay positive!

The fact that your wirfe FINALLY made it to therapy really says a lot. It is my opinion that she was digging in her heels about going because it was your idea in the first place to go to therapy. Strong personalities do not like being told what to do. Also, the fact that you opened the session with a touching letter that the therapist applauded you on most likely also added to her defensiveness. It is human nature, but also immaturity, that makes people feel the need to blame others and not take responsibility. I also agree that it is too early to throw in the towel as of yet. You know the saying, "It has to get worse before it gets better." You need to flush out the bad to make way for the good. I really hope that it works out for you. You are truly a remarkable man and I only wish that other people would be as patient and understanding as you have been. If after all of your work your marriage is not saved, then at least you can walk away with the knowledge that you tried everything that was humanly possible to save it. Also, you are a much better person having gone through therapy. Good luck to you and your family. To all of the men out there who are reading this post, take note of this guy. This is how it should be done!!

Wow mom of 2! Thank you very much for that post. Your encouraging words mean a great deal to me.

As an update: there really hasn't been any action other than exchanging the kids here and there. My wife hasn't made any attempt at small talk, and I have just been laying back and giving her space. It feels like, with this space, she is drifting farther away. Maybe it's just me, but I still think she is getting her emotional fix from this other guy, so why should she spend any time thinking about me and us. And it's difficult for me to try any attempt at contact because I'll feel like I am just getting in her way. I'm not sure if there is much I can do for now. So it's just a weird time. I will ask her to attend another therapy session next week, and get her temperature then.

Until then, I'll cope and take it a day at a time.

At this point that's all you can do. Get some fresh air in your lungs and go golfing or fishing with friends. It will do you good.

Please don't take this post to mean that I am giving you advice to give up totally on the possibility of reconciling. What I am suggesting is a change in strategy, as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the actual definition of insanity. I can't help but think that your wife is determined not to allow ANYTHING to work as long as she thinks that you are calling the shots.

With that in mind, start focusing on yourself and your children. STOP talking to her about the possibility of reconciling. Make her wonder why you are doing this and are not asking her to attend therapy. Make her wonder about a lot of things. It is almost like dealing with a child. The more that you ask a child to do something, the less likely that they will do what you want them to do. If the other person thinks that you have given up, then they may (or may not) have a change of heart. Allow her to sort of feel a little bit of rejection herself. Is this a gamble? Yes, but then again, everything that you have tried so far really has not worked and it sounds as though she is moving farther and farther away with all of your efforts so far.

Again, only you can determine what you should do. I wish you all the luck in the world. The ball is in her court. Make her start to really miss the relationship. I don't think that she really has been able to miss it because you have always been doing the pursuing. You have a lot to think about. I also think that you have to do a lot of soul searching and determine if this relationship is really worth saving. A relationship takes a lot of work on both sides and it should NEVER be one sided.

Familyman, didn't your wife go to last Friday's counseling with you? I know you said she had gone to the first one two weeks ago. Why did she skip one already? And, she'll be missing tomorrow's, too? It has to be consistent to work or make any sense. MomOf2 makes sense in her post... let her come to you now and wonder why you are not pursuing. It may make her wonder why you are not persisiting as you had before (oh, these games we play... ), or, unfortunately she may sigh a sigh of relief and think you are giving up. Either way, the ball IS in her court now... she will have to begin to start talking to you or ask what's up. These things take awhile, but please remember that you want to have a life and you're hoping it's with your wife. If she doesn't begin making some positive moves, then you have to decide how long you want to keep hoping she'll see the light. Good luck, as always... keep us posted!

Delilah, my wife did attend the first session, and basically justified herself by blaming me.
My counselor made the mistake of only "inviting" my wife back, instead of highly recommending that she return weekly for a while. The tentative plans were to get together again next week. I did speak up and asked if we could keep it weekly while the ball had begun rolling. I felt too much time in between sessions would break any kind of momentum. But the counselor sided with my wife on this one. Oh well! I am not sure if my wife still plans to come anymore. I will ask her if she plans to attend next week, and we'll see.

This is crazy. I miss my wife tremendously, but I am so angry with her for behaving this way. How someone could just walk away from a marriage without dealing with it, and begin a new relationship with someone else is beyond my comprehension. It is hurtful and borderline sadistic. I couldn't be this cruel to my worst enemy (if I had one). And the fact that she is hanging out with this guy in front of my kids is equally devastating. It leaves me to question if I really want to be with someone who could hurt me so deeply without showing any empathy. Unfortunately she is not considering the future or the consequences of her actions. She is living for today, which is OK but only to a limit. She cannot see that she is giving up a solid marriage to a loving husband, and a chance at seeing her kids on a daily basis. It's a lot to trade in for some good-time guy from the bowling alley. It's a lot to give up just because she has not been willing to get to work.
I really wish she could truly understand how her immature and irresponsible ways have broken my heart, and will possibly do life-long damage to our family. Maybe she'll wake up before it's too late. I really hope so, only time will tell.

In the meantime, you'll be happy to know that I am not pining in my room for her. I am taking steps to rebuild my life, with or without her. I have planned to move closer to the city where there is a better social scene, more work for me, and a great school for my kids. I feel like I have lead shoes and an empty soul, but moving forward is the only way I can survive this low point in my life.

Anyway, this has been my therapy for today. Thanks for listening...

Keep your head up, my friend. You will get through this. And be stronger for it.

Your anger is understandable and its about time, you have every reason to be mad. As frustrating as it is moving forward for your kids, is an excellent plan, just keep them as your most important priority, and let everything else fall in place where they may. You may not agree with this therapist, but let her handle it. Just keep going, and know it will work out. Stay strong and positive.

familyman2, I'm glad you're not "pining" in your room for your wife and have considered moving to a more social area. Stay with the therapist and see what she considers for you and your wife. If your wife doesn't attend anymore sessions, then obviously I can't see how it would help her.

You know, when someone is seeing someone else.. it's the "the grass is always greener on the side" story. The 'other' person treats the spouse differently.. over the top, lots of compliments, no cares, lots of laughter. But, also know that the other person doesn't have the children to consider, any of the relationship building that goes on between a husband and wife, none of the respect that grows between a couple, etc. etc. He can go home without any of the responsibility. Such 'affairs' seem short lived. Soon enough, reality sets in.

I continue to hope that the 'other' guy moves on to someone else and your wife sees how superficial that type of relationship is. I know it has to be hard on you and the children to watch this happen. Hopefully your wife will go to more sessions with you and more will become of the visits. It is the consistency that helps relationships grow.

Good luck and continue to keep us posted, familyman2.

My daughter sat at the dinner table this evening and in a saddened tone said "daddy, why does Jeff always come over to mommy's house and you don't. He gives her a lot of hugs".

Naturally I was outraged. I haven't said anything to my wife. I think I'll go straight to a lawyer. I have been walking through hell trying to keep my family together, trying to make it so my wife can see her kids everyday, as well as I. And my wife has been having the time of her life while putting no effort into our marriage (no effort even into a friendship for that matter). Why should I suffer even more by giving up my children half the time? I think in this situation I should be able to attempt full custody. Again, if I had my choice I would continue the marriage and counseling. But I can't do it alone.

Furthermore, last Friday as the time approached for us to meet for our counseling session, she called with ten minutes to spare to say she would be running late due to a conference call. She never made it. I even got the counselor to give us a later time, and my wife never returned my call. I left a message on my wife's machine saying how upset I am that I have become the lowest priority in her life. Again, no reply. Today when we exhanged the kids she acted like it never happened; business as usual. This is how she deals with everything--she doesn't. She treats me with no respect or dignity. It's like we never were married, never had a relationship. It is crushing and infuriating.

So I am very upset. I don't know whether to give her one more chance to come to counseling or to proceed with the divorce. I hate to end it, but I can only take so much.

Maybe I need to calm down before I make a decision.

In the meantime, if I do divorce, what are my chances at custody? Are there any strategies that will give me an edge?

To be honest, I would be willing to compromise with shared custody if she allows me to be in charge of the kid's education. I'd like to put them in a great school across from our new home. I can be there for them 24/7. I will let my wife have them on weekends and alternate holidays, and also she can have them 4 to 5 days a week during the summer.
I think this is a fair deal considering evrything that has happened.

In summary, I wish to continue working on the marriage, ONLY if she does an about face.
If not I will file for full custody, and settle down to the shared option if necessary.

I need to plan the sequences carefully, and I need to figure out what to tell my wife, or not tell her. I need to figure out what to say and when to say it.

My friends, you have been with me for a lone ride. How it will turn out I don't know. But I am sure glad you all took this ride with me. I am a better person because of your priceless support, generosity, and sage-like insight.

Thank you!

Family man, I think that you have given and given and given and there is no more to give.

You have tried to talk to your wife and it is very apparent, both through her actions (or inactions) her words (or lies) that she does not want to work on this marriage. Save your time and don't waste your money on something that won't work. Go to a lawyer and start the process.

As far as custody, you need to consult with an attorney on this. Keep in mind that you need to think about the best interests of the children and not what is best for you. You are angry and you have every right to be, but DO NOT let that be the main reason that you are fighting for custody. If their mother is neglectful or abusive towards them, then there is a reason to "fight for sole custody". Otherwise, what is in the childrens' best interests is for both parents to be involved in their lives, which would mean joint legal custody. The term that needs to be part of your vocabulary is co-parenting. Remember, when there is a custody fight, the big ones to lose are the children and the big ones to win are the lawyers, who will most likely walk away with all of your money once the fight is done. Most likely, in order to pay for this fight, you will need to sell the house that is across the way from the school, which you talked about being your advantage. You say that you "will give her" shared custody, you need to come to terms with the fact that this is not yours "to give", as it is negotiation between the two of you. In the same way, she can not give you anything either.

I know that I may be harsh in saying all of tis and that this may not be what you want to hear, but I have seen far too many children suffer because of these kinds of custody fights. Just because the parents cannot live together does not mean that the children have to be torn between the two parents. The children have every right to love both parents, regardless of what the other parent did to their spouse. PLEASE think of the children in every decision that you make.

One more thing, courts usually want the children to stay in whatever school that they are currently in, as continuity is very important to the stability of children. Changing schools, regardless of whether it is a better school, is not in the children's best interest. Status Quo is another term that you need to add to your vocabulary. Courts hate to disrupt anything that is currently in place.

You're absolutely right Mom of 2. The kids are the most important part of this unfortunate situation. I am all for shared custody. I mainly wish to be in charge of their education, and to have them in the same school. My wife can have them most weekends and 4 to 5 days a week during the summer. We will alternate holidays. I think this is the fairest deal considering everything that has happened.

Initially I had my son in kindergarten and my daughter in preschool. The following year I began homeschooling my son, and my wife put my daughter in kindergarten near her.
This year I want them to be in the same school, and from that point on. THIS is what's best for the kids. They are 11 months apart, very close with each other, and deserve to live together on a daily basis.

This is what I have been telling my wife, and it has been a major factor in trying to keep our family together by reconciling our marriage. She obviously doesn't see the importance of this so she shouldn't have grounds for deciding whether the kids attend the same school. It is a great opportunity for the kids and she should at least work together on this with me.

Basically, I wish to settle this out of court with as no contest divorce (if it must be). If she fights me on this plan I will have no choice but to take it to court and be much more aggressive with the settlement.

I absolutely hate this whole situation, but I have been given no choice.

Now that you have a clear picture of what's going on and where things are headed, the only thing to do besides continue with the counseling for yourself, and talk to a lawyer about your rights and options. You have given this female the benefit of a doubt, and done all you can, so school yourself on your next moves, before you blab your intentions to the world. Get things in place, and the ball rolling, as you owe no explanations to anyone, except your kids. Good luck, and sorry for your loss, if that what it is.

Quote:

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Basically, I wish to settle this out of court with as no contest divorce (if it must be). If she fights me on this plan I will have no choice but to take it to court and be much more aggressive with the settlement.

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Get a lawyer first before you do or say anything to anyone.

Familyman2, whenever you go to court on anything, you need to keep the other side guessing. The other posters gave you very good advice not to post what your next steps are. Always consult with your attorney.

Another point to ponder: You can present what you want the scenario to be, but keep in mind that your stbx wife will have her own lawyer who will advise her on her rights. She sounds like she will make it very difficult. I just don't want you to be disappointed when you are not able to get everything in your perfect scenario. Keep in mind that if you don't get everything you want, you need to do your best to make whatever outcome work for the best interest of the children.

Point taken you all. Thank you. My heart is breaking even more now that we're at this point. I never wanted this, but I was given no choice. For as long as I live I'll never understand how a mother would not be willing to work as hard as necessary to be able to see her children everyday. As a father, I would crawl to the ends of the earth. Different strokes and values I guess.

I'll try to remain calm and take the high road throughout. Wish me luck... And again, much thanks!

My friend, I can feel your pain, but know in your heart that you have done all you can, and it takes two to work together to make a life. As painful as it is, its for the best in the long run, as you will be free of the hoping for something that can't happen, and the uncertainty of the future. You have a chance to forget the past, and find your own happiness without her. Be a good Dad, that's something she can never take away, as you have many years to deal with this female, regardless of your marital status. I wish you luck, and let us know how you progress. It will get better.

I've been away and have been checking for updates. I'm so sorry, Familyman2, that things had not worked out as you had hoped. As I had suspected, your wife was playing the 'waiting game' and figured you'd want 'out' sooner or later. It's sad when adults (spouses!) play these games. I wish for you that she would have been upfront and told you how she truly felt. Talaniman and Mom of 2 gave you good advise. Please let us know how things are going for you when you have a chance. Wishing you the best, familyman2.

Hello all. I'm just checking in. More as an emotional outlet instead of a legal one.
I am feeling two polarized emotions right now. On one hand I miss my wife terribly.
All the good times keep popping into my head. Everything (and I mean everything) reminds me of her. And on the other hand I am so frickin' angry that my wife would have sex with another man during our marriage. I try not to focus on it, but it's tough. And it is humiliating too. Like Tina Turner said, "It's a thin line between love and hate". An amusing side note: At our recent divorce counseling session my wife emotionlessly said that she doesn't want to hurt me and wants us to remain friends. I just looked at her with utter astonishment. The nerve! Does she really think she hasn't hurt me deeply? Does she really think I have any interest in being friends with someone who would treat me like dirt and with no respect?

I don't yet know how or where to start to heal from a cheating spouse. I consider myself a reasonably tough guy, but this has me fighting like mad to keep it together for my kids.
If there is anybody out there considering reaching outside their marriage, DON'T DO IT!
This is something you wouldn't want to do to your worst enemy. It is sadistic, and it screams lack of character. And it causes extreme psychological pain. Maybe I am overreacting, but I feel things deeply. Also to think I was working my off trying to unify my family while my wife was out there having the time of her life, without having any true interest in reconciling is unsettling. She was just letting me wear myself out.

But all considering I am moving forward and dedicated to get past this and get her out of my life and head for good. It is just a time thing. What else can I do?

In my opinion.. it's always worth a try to go back to where it all began.. the courtship, the good times, the laughter.. when things begin to wind down and fall apart. It's why I always think going on 'dates' alone (without the kids), picnics, movies, writing cards, etc. can bring back some of that spark from the earlier days. But if someone already has their mind on some other agenda, it won't work unfortunately. I think the 'affairs' behavior you had described is brought on by something lacking in the marriage, something different than what one spouse is used to, or, the excitement of doing something taboo in marriage with another person. Usually, but obviously not always, the wandering spouse realizes what he/she had in their stable spouse.. sometimes in time, and sometimes when it's too late. Reading your post made me feel how you are hurting... I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, familyman2. You sound composed and have all your 'ducks in order'... stay strong and keep your priorities in view. You are young and have a lifetime ahead of you. Get through this and don't look back. Be a great dad and stay good to yourself. As odd as this sounds, perhaps it was meant to be and your soul mate is just around the corner. Please keep us updated on how you're doing, familyman2. You're in our thoughts.

Familyman, I don't know all the details because I just read the first post, but if it is really out of the blue, hire a private detective and get to the bottom of it!

Have you gotten with a good attorney and made any plans? I think it important to know where you stand, as your children will be in back school soon. Any drastic disruption will adversely affect them, so through your anger they take center stage. I know your seeing them a lot and continue to do so, and get there feelings as to what they may want as it would end up being a disaster to uproot them from the familiar secure setting they enjoy. I'm not saying act now, but I am saying is lay the legal groundwork now, and as you continue counseling you will have a leg to stand on that's fair to you. You both still must raise the children with love, so you can expect to work with her for a while, but you don't have to be walked over.

We had our sit down discussion tonight and she conceded to let me put the kids together in the gifted and talented school. We went back and forth on other issues but there seems to be a way we can work these out.

I tried to stay composed as possible and keep it businesslike, but some of the anger started coming up and I said a few choice things to her. It felt good to get it off my chest although I am not very proud of myself for giving in to my anger.

I don't want to hate this woman. I don't want to be this mad at her. Naturally I feel so
Betrayed by her that it is difficult to let go of these emotions. I guess in time it will subside. Maybe it would be nice if she could just own up to her mistakes and give me a sincere apology. I won't hold my breath however. I am really trying to get these toxic feelings out of my system so I can fully live and move on. In a way I feel a little guilty for being this mad at her. If I truly loved her, wouldn't I just want her to be happy with or without me? Again it will probably just take time. And I know I do love her... I mean hate... I mean love... But really, I do love her and still wish things had turned out differently. Like you all have said, this is a good sign that better days are ahead!

Everything happens for a reason...

Family Man - What you are feeling is completely normal. I would not hold my breath for an apology from her, as this will only continue to make you feel down and unfulfilled. I also agree that it is very hard to be friends with someone who cheated on you (the same situation happened to me), but that does not mean that you cannot be civil for the sake of the children. There are many times that I feel like yelling and screaming at my ex, but I always keep thinking about my children and this stops me. I want them always to see me as the one who is in control and I don't want to give their father the satisfaction that he has upset me in any way. Every time that I show my ex that he has gotten under my skin again, I give him power over me. Keep that in mind and hopefully this will help you to remain in control of your reactions in front of her.

You are not the only person who has ever felt the need to "get back at someone" and the best way to do this is to NOT react to anything that the other person does. Fake it 'til you make it I always say. Even if you don't feel happy on the inside, appear to be happy in front of her. Even if you don't feel sure of yourself, appear to be sure of yourself in front of her. Even if you feel sad, angry, etc. don't allow those feelings to show. Acknowledge those feelings and express them to a therapist, friend or other family member but not to your ex.

Keep strong and surround yourself with quality friends and family around you. It will get better.

Well, I think Mom of 2 hit the nail on the head. Very good advice, in my opinion. She has said what I would have written. Stay calm, feel confident and keep your head up, familyman2... especially when you're in the company of your wife. She obviously knew from the start of all of this that she had zero intentions of reconciling. She just wanted you to work it through your system. Keep that in mind when you feel sad.. it will bolster your strength to get through the separation/divorce. Once again, read through what Mom of 2 had written.. her advice makes sense. Good luck and keep us posted.

I am new to this sight but I think it is cool how you guys are trying to work this out. The one thing I can say from being a middle aged woman is that women have midlife crisis just like men do sometimes. Maybe she is going through something like that. Maybe you need to reassure her that you love her no matter what she is going through that you will stick by her. Ask her this question "if you could do or change one thing in your life that would fix it to make you feel good about yourself and your life what would it be?" And make sure that you let her know that you will not be offended by her answer because once a person bounces their feelings off from someone else sometimes they come back better.

familyman2, how are things proceeding? Are you continuing with the therapist for yourself? Are you having equal time with your children? Hope things are going well for you. Give us an update if you're up to it. Take care.

I agree with the principal of what Patriciardg wrote, but I don't think it would work in your situation. This is mainly because you have TRIED to reassure her that you love her and want to support her, etc. but she was not interested. And that is even after you found out about the affair. I feel that you can walk away satisfied knowing that you tried everything that you could in order to save your marriage, but she did not take the bait. You get to a point where you have to just walk away after trying so many times. I think I gave you the definition of insanity, but I will give again anyway; Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. All people are different so don't take what I am about to write as gospel, or think that it will definitely happen, because maybe it won't. However, in some or maybe most cases, people do not realize what they lost until it is gone (remember the song?) She may not realize what she is losing until it is way too late, once she sees that you have moved on and that you are successful and happy on how your life has turned out. The best way to get revenge in this situation is to focus on YOUR future, not hers. Stop thinking about her and start thinking about yourself and your kids. Focus on the things that make you happy and bring you feelings of success. You DO need to go through the anger phase (if there is anyone out there who says that they never get angry, they are lying. Remember, anger is not right or wrong. It is a feeling and feelings are never right or wrong. However, it is what you do BECAUSE of your feelings that may get you in trouble.)

As always, give us updates, as we truly care about what is going on with you. I think that it is because you are a unique and not a typical man. Don't go changing that part of your character and become bitter. There are women out there that would be very appreciative for all that you do. Always know that there are truly good people out there. We (and you included) just chose the wrong person based on what we knew at the time that the relationship started. Good luck to you!!

Sometimes people use divorce as a cop-out to change the situation at hand. Sometimes it is a gesture to try and get that passion, that emotion, etc. back (providing there is nothing too serious making the separation happen). I feel that a separation, long or short, is well needed with a couple. To feel out things, think by themselves, get a grip on life. Some couples seem to have a more passionate, meaningful relationship after separating for a period.

Hello all! Sorry to have dropped out for a few weeks. This divorce has taken the wrong turn. I think you remember the last time I posted, my wife and I sat down and agreed
that I would have the kids for school and she would have them on weekends. Then the summer months she would have them the majority. We disagreed on some of the financial issues but were very close to working those out as well. As upset as I was I still was able to keep calm and work out an amicable divorce. I even invited my wife to come down and check out my new home and the kid's school. Then the #$@% hit the fan:

On the day of my move (7/16), I was frazzled to say the least. I had the kids and no other help. Plus, it was a bitter sweet moment having to say goodbye to our dream home.
I spent many years paying and maintaining this place for my family to return one day.

Anyway, as I was loading up my truck my daughter accidentally spilled the beans. She said that mommy's desk fell off the truck when she was moving. I said "what"!? She began crying because my wife had told her not to tell me that they moved, and she thought she did something wrong. She felt like she betrayed her mom for breaking the secret and she felt like she hurt me by lying. It took me an hour to calm her down and reassure her that I loved her more than anything and that she did nothing wrong. I also asked my daughter
why it was such a big secret. She said that "mommy told us not to tell you because you lied about moving us near the new school". This was of course untrue. I invited my wife to come live with us (this was during the time I thought we could save the marriage). So my wife lied to our children and put them smack into the middle of our divorce. A rotten thing to do. So I said to my daughter that mommy didn't mean that and she was just joking.
Then I said did mommy buy the new home? (I knew there was no way she could even rent a home with her dismal credit). Then my daughter said "no daddy it is Jeff's house.
(This is the man my wife swore was just a friend for the past year and a half. She even kept to this story to the bitter end.)

This is when I hit the roof. My day was obviously ruined. My wife had secretly moved my children into an undisclosed home with some man whom I knew nothing about!
And she told my kids to lie to me.

Obviously the amicable divorce was over and the bitter one began. I got a lawyer and told her the story. We filed for an emergency hearing to deal with this problem. I also told my wife that I would be keeping the kids safe with me until this issue was resolved. She screamed at me and said she was calling the police. I said do what you must, but I will not allow my children to be anywhere near that house until I inspect it and do a full background check on this man. I will not allow my 6 year old daughter in a home of a man who might be a gun toting sex offender. We already know he has no morals or sense of honor. What caring responsible father would allow this living condition without consent.

The hearing took almost two weeks. It was a very stressful time. Then before the hearing was set the two attorneys worked out a plan. Basically it stated that we would continue with 50/50 custody for the remainder of the summer, and that the kids will need to move back to the old house until I get a chance to check out the situation. Also, no boyfriend or girlfriend will be allowed around the children until the divorce is final.

So, my wife got off with basically a slap on the wrist. No wonder she feels like she can do whatever she pleases... she's teflon.

So, my wife did not move the kids out, but instead the boyfriend supposedly leaves the home while the kids are in her custody. I told my attorney this and she said it is within the guidelines; even though I still don't know where this house is, and they won't let me do a background check on this guy because they say he is out of the picture. (for now).
Although, my wife is making noise now that the guy will be able to move back this weekend, and that this was just a temporary condition. I know she will plea to the court and they will OK this. It is so frustrating.

I also filed for a complete divorce and have asked for legal custody of the kids. I want them in my home. It is stable and they will get the proper upbringing by a person who understands values, ethics, and education. The other home has immoral adults who let my son walk in on them in bed. (Tell me this won't do long term damage to my son!)
And they let my wife's 18 year old daughter babysit when they go out. This would be
all right if she could drive and didn't have agoraphobia. This is another recipe for disaster.
I just don't think they think things through.

So this is where we are now. It is so unfortunate, and totally unnecessary. Why my wife did this I'll never know, other than she feels like she can get away with anything.

I loved her and looked past her weaknesses. But now I just want her out of my life.
I gave her so much and I did not deserve this. She is not the person I thought I knew.
I know life is not fair sometimes and I just need to swallow this pill like a man.

But consider this: This man who moved in a on a married woman (my wife) is now on the cusp of having my children live with him too. He has basically usurped my whole family.
The family I fought for, the marriage I fought for. Life is unfair but this is a great deal to bear. I just wish that the justice system could set laws to protect honest familymen from this situation. But the judges and lawyers just shrug their shoulders. It's all about financials to them. I wish the law could take my situation into account and award the children to me. I deserve them. Not my wife, and definitely not this lowlife scum.

They are all I have!

A long story... I thank you if you've taken the time to read this. As always I welcome feedback and advice. Our initial hearing is at the end of September and I need all the help I can get. I want to make sure my lawyer has everything she needs to help me properly.

It's nice to be back with you all. At least I feel at home here.

Kind regards.

Wow. Don't let it get you down, what goes around comes around. Stay strong for those kids and be patient, it will work out okay.

Thanks for the update, familyman2. You have a good head on your shoulders. What a shame that you had to experience this in life. I can't say I was shocked by the behavior of your wife from what you had mentioned in past posts regarding her. I guess I'll never understand women who are self-centered enough to drag their children into lies. What I don't understand is that you haven't been told where she is living with YOUR children? Aren't you supposed to know their exact location according to the court when they are with her? I truly hope things work out in your favor and that you are given custody of the children when all is said and done. Please keep us updated. My prayers and positive thoughts are with you.

Yes, this is a terrible situation.

I thought it was the law that you had to know where your children were living. If you have her phone number, do a reverse directory search. If that does not work, try Google.com to find her address. If you find out where she lives, DO NOT even attempt to go to her house, because she may have you brought up on stalking charges or worse yet that you tried to harm her in some way.

In regard to custody, you will most likely get joint custody, given the fact that you have 50/50 custody at the moment and when a trial happens, the courts usually try to stay with status quo. I am only saying this because I don't want you to be disappointed if you don't get sole custody. On the other hand, always ask for more than you are willing to accept, so ask for sole custody with the idea that you may not get it.

In regard to reacting to the things that your children say, try and be in control of how you react. This IS hard because something's may shock you and you can't help but react with anger/shock/concern, etc. When possible, always respond to anything that they tell you with, "How does this make you feel?" This will give you a few precious moments to think about what to say next.

It is a VERY sad fact that the courts do not care about if one of the parents had an affair or not. It used to matter, but not anymore. It is a shame that our country no longer has morality!! At any rate, what should matter is that your soon to be ex (stbx) is placing your children in immoral situations. It IS affecting your children because they are talking to you about it (at least your daughter is). Have you given thought about getting your children into therapy? If there is going to be a custody fight, you will have to go through a full evaluation, which will involve a psychologist who will evaluate you, your soon to be ex (stbx), and your children. I went through this lengthy and stressful process, which resulted in me being named the custodial parent (that the children would live with me the majority of the time). There are a lot of things that you should know prior to this process, so if your situation comes to this, I would be more than happy to help you in anyway that I can to prepare you for it.

My ex had several affairs, so I know how you are feeling about this. He also allowed his girlfriend(s) to be involved with the children, which drives me mad, but there is nothing that I can do about that. The only thing that you can do is to control the things that you can control. When your children are with you, make your time with them the most stress free that you can. Always take the higher road. It is always very tempting to do exactly what your ex is doing, but don't go down that road. Even if it says in the papers that she is not supposed to do "ABC", it is really hard to make sure that she sticks to it, unless you have her followed, etc. A therapist once told me that I had to LET my ex ruin his relationship with his children, and you have to as well. Your children will eventually get fed up with what she is doing and will no longer want to have anything to do with her when they get older. Be the person that your children know that they can always turn to for anything.

Sorry for the long email, I feel that you are going through the Same situation that I had to go through.

Good luck to you. Stay strong and be prepared for anything and everything!!

Thank you MOM OF 2. I 100% agree with you about the lack of interest by the courts in reference to infidelity. The courts say that they are there to protect the children, but they evidently fail to put 2 and 2 together. In my case my children have been closely involved in my wife's affair, and they have seen them in bed together. I want any judge to tell me how this will not affect my children. The lack of interest in morality, and shoulder shrugs from the judges are directly causing a decay in our culture. Families are falling apart, children are growing up in broken homes, and the judicial system is not doing what it is supposed to do: protect the innocent and work to maintain a sense of responsibility in people. It's open season for infidelity because there are no legal consequences!

I am in a situation now where an outside, dishonorable man is about to bring MY family into his home. Where is my protection? I have spent 7 years developing these children, daily, trying to be a good husband, and now some lowlife gets to waltz in and reap the rewards!? Yes I am mad. I put my career aside to raise these children while my wife pursued her career. I fought for my marriage and my family, and the best I can expect is 50/50? My wife reached outside our marriage, lied to me about it, humiliated me by bringing this man around my in-laws and my kids, abandoned our marriage, consciously broke up our family, secretly moved my kids into an undisclosed home with a man I don't know, lied to our kids, put them in the middle of this divorce and all I can expect is 50/50? Where is my protection? Where the hell is my protection?

I don't want my kids to be alienated from their mother. I want them to have a close, loving relationship--for their sake. But why should I be denied the right to make sure my kids are raised in ONE home where there are high standards, where it is safe (I have a six year old daughter. Do I want her in a home with some strange man? He could have a record, he could keep weapons in his home, he could be a pedophile), and in a home where they will have the stability necessary to thrive in school and in life? 50/50 won't due. I want my kids. In my opinion she waived her rights... I did everything I could to give us both 100/100. It just wasn't important enough to give up her fantasy.

Honestly, if the tables were turned and it was the man doing what my wife did and the wife fighting to keep her family together, how much custody would she get? My guess is somewhere pretty close to full custody. Trust me, I am an advocate for equal rights, but alternatively I have no sense of humor about discrimination.

Anyway MOM OF 2, I do plan to get a child counselor for my kids and for myself. I wish to have this work to my advantage and I would be very grateful for any advice on the process, the conduct, and the content. And advice on anything else pertaining to father's rights.

My initial hearing is at the end of September and I want to have every possible angle covered. This is the fight of my life. I know that it shouldn't be thought of as a fight as much as it should be thought of as a process to do what is best for the kids. However, I feel the cards are stacked against me, and the courts want status quo rather than what is truly best for the kids. So in essence, it is a fight. A fight for what I believe is right.