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I need to get her to counseling...

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... and a doctor.

I am confused... why is she mad about the separation... I thought she wanted it. And you know what? You are allowed to make mistakes, and you deserve to be fogiven. One thing about healthy relationships is that keeping score is never good... and it sounds like she is good at bringing up the past and keeping score. That will ruin what you are working on. She really needs to go to counseling as well...
And please don't minimize the problems... the 3 biggest things that ruin marriages are 1. money, 2. communication, and 3 sex. Right now, it doesn't sound like you have a handle on any of them. So don't minimize... you have a long road ahead of you... each issue needs to be dealt with 100% in order for it to work, not just bandaid it so it looks better.
I think you are doing the right thing... but she needs to make the same effort. That is my concern.

The bottom line is that you have to work towards what you want.. but not to the extent where it consumes your life. If, after two counseling sessions, your wife doesn't offer her willingness to talk with you... I would nicely tell her that the two of you need to talk. She will HAVE to want to go to counseling with you. You agreed to go to the first two sessions alone.. but when that third one comes around, she should be right there with you. Otherwise, it's not going to work and you'll be trying to reconcile completely on your own. It's a two way street. You had admitted that she has made errors in the marriage, and, so have you. Well, then she needs to get counseling, too.. just as you are. You are trying so hard.. I really dislike that she sees YOU going, and, in the meanwhile, she is sitting back. She needs to get on the bandwagon soon if this is going to work. Long story short here, familyman2, after this next counseling.. call and tell her that you'll be at her home at _ _ _ (session time) to pick her up for counseling with you. If she is still reluctant, she may be showing signs that she doesn't want to reconcile. Also, I agree with whoever said, "slow and easy", but only in getting back together. As far as counseling together.. that needs to happen sooner than later. Otherwise, it's not going to work for her. Good luck, familyman2.

It's a tight rope for sure. I do feel like giving her an ultimatum after the next session. But is this advisable? Do I say "if you really want me out of your life then go down to the courthouse and file asap, but if you have any doubts then you need to come to counseling immediately". Or something like that?

Talaniman what do you mean by she needs to see a doctor? A shrink? She does see a doctor for her ADD.

As far as the separation, it was just an ugly time. We were all falling apart. We knew we wanted to stay married, but something had to give, and she took her kids out of the situation. We should have gotten family counseling then, instead of walking away from the problem. So whether she wanted to leave or not, is not the issue. The issue is that she blames me for creating the mess, and for her starting anew with her mother and sister.
I have repeatedly taken responsibility for my part of the problem, and have made amends. She probably will never admit causing any of the trouble, so will never have to apologize for it. In her mind it was all me. I just pray that she'll come to counseling and be able to "get real". Right or wrong, when she makes up her mind, it is right to her.

I know I am portraying her in a bit of a bad light. She definitely does have problems. My mother, who is a great judge of character, thinks my wife is pathological and needs years of help. But, the fact remains that I married her for better or for worse. I'm not going to dump her for her problems. I'd like to help her through them. On the other side of the coin, she is a wonderful mother. She's beautiful to me, intelligent, fun, and interesting. If she wants to dump me because she thinks the problems are mine, that's her decision.

Finally, I know I am running on here. But I thought I would throw one more tidbit in to ponder since I've already opened my soul: I'm not the perfect guy either. I suffer from a chemical imbalance that causes bipolar depression. Even with medication, I can get down and tune out every blue moon. It's possible my wife doesn't want to deal with this, and I couldn't blame her. Maybe she's using these other excuses to hide the truth. Again, 95% of the time I'm fine. But I think she'll interpret these down times as me just being boring, or not loving her enough. I don't know...

Sorry friends. I got a little carried away this time:)

Well I feel for your situation. She does need to "get real" it takes two to make or break a marriage. Last time I checked no one is perfect so she couldn't possibly be. I am sure there are things she should apologize for. It's wonderful that you still see so much from a positive perspective in her, that speaks a lot about who you are and the love that you are capable of. Since the counseling is so fresh I wouldn't give her any ultimatum (just yet). Just my opinion. But I sure wouldn't wait for very long, maybe a month of sessions or so but that's about it before I required her participation.

As you say you married her for better or worse and so did she. So whether you have BPD or not she should stand by you as you are standing by her. I wouldn't give her any "I wouldn't blame her" excuses on that. You are trying to manage your condition so she should support you in every way.

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Talaniman what do you mean by she needs to see a doctor? A shrink? She does see a doctor for her ADD.

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Sorry wasn't sure if that was a fact or not since it wasn't posted and I didn't want to assume.

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The issue is that she blames me for creating the mess,

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She probably will never admit causing any of the trouble,

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This worries me, as it is hard to reconcill unless you both see the part you play. Not good when one partner accepts blame, when they don't deserve it. Not healthy when one partner blames the other and thinks they are innocent, that will get old after a while.

I commend you for being so open about your personal issues, it really helps. I know even on medication, BPD can have some outward effects... and the great thing is that you are aware, you don't deny, and you are willing to accept people for who they are...

The problem here is... you are assuming what "she might be thinking." That is not okay... she needs to communicate with you... exactly what is on her mind, what she needs from you, what she loves about you, what she is asking you to do... etc. This isn't a guessing game, that is NOT fair to you to wonder... it will eventually create resentment and self-worth issues... especially with the BPD because that is not your fault and it is not something that you can totally change... What I mean by that is when we constantly try to find the things wrong with us and try to change everything, that is not healthy. What IS healthy is for her to tell you what she loves, what she is willing to accept, and what she is asking you to address in your marriage. That IS fair...
So I hoping that she is able to tell you that in a very honest, mature, and realistic way... not when things are in turmoil.
Again, you may not have asked for these thoughts of mine, but I guess your openness has allowed me to feel like I want to defend you and protect in some sort of friend way! :)
Keep talking!

There's the "seed in the misfortune". If it wasn't for this devastating event in my life, I would not have gained the invaluable insight of the wonderful people here. Every one of you who is helping me here is appreciated more than I can express in words. Don't feel like I am not asking you for your opinions--I am--all of them. I need you in my corner here, to help me take the baby steps back to my marriage. Or to help me pick up the pieces if necessary. Type away, I am listening. You are taking a huge roll in an attempt to save a family. What could be more noble than that? THANK YOU.

Back to the saga. I have a bit of a rhetorical question: My wife has her own career, making decent money. She can spend it anyway she pleases. She has plenty of kids to keep her occupied. She has the support of her immediate family living with her. And, she has her married male friend from her bowling league to keep her amused (I'm guessing it is a comfortable friendship to her because there are no expectations). So, in light of this, what would she need me for? And if she doesn't need me, why would she want me?
I'm not trying to be negative, I'm trying to make sense of it. How do I express to her that I do belong in her life, and she belongs in mine?

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How do I express to her that I do belong in her life, and she belongs in mine?

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She knows what you want , but does she know what she wants? If she wants to continue with you is her choice and hers alone.

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So, in light of this, what would she need me for? And if she doesn't need me, why would she want me?

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I think this is the question she is trying to answer for herself.

Could it be she doesn't see you as a friend but as an adversary? Hence her rebellion and need to spare her kids the conflicts you and her may have? It is getting pretty obvious the communications have broken down. Maybe a good point to bring up with your therapist.

No one NEEDS anyone, if she wants you a part of her life, then she needs to allow that to happen again. It is taking the risk and allowing someone in your life and being vulnerable. I agree with Tal, that is the struggle she sounds like she is having... not really about you personally, but inside herself. Again, you can't read her mind or her internal thoughts, so let that be hers, just encourage her to seek help in that decision Or give her time. Not indefinitaly, but a timeframe you are comfortable with. She knows you will be there for her, so show her you are doing for yourself... and maybe she will feel left behind or left out. :) Sometimes in order to make a decision that is hard, there has to be a good reason to make it and not sit in limbo! I don't know, just a thought to think about.

Communication is very important. I wouldn't give your wife an "ultimatum", but I would nicely suggest to her that you'd like to share what the therapist has been saying and how good you are feeling about it. I don't think it's a good idea to let too much time between conversations go by. Even if the two of you just go for coffee or a snack together.. just stay in touch. You had wondered why she'd want to have you in her life when she has a support system with her mother, sister, married best male friend, etc. Well, she is having many of her needs met by these people, so she's not feeling isolated, alone, or depressed. She needs to see that you are still the loving husband.. waiting for her to come home... and as I suggested, you need to keep your presence noticeable.

Has she contacted you at all during this time of separation, or are you the one having to contact her? If it is always you reaching out, you're going to get worn out emotionally. I sincerely hope she begins attending therapy with you after the 3rd or 4th session... and I hope she offers on her own.

Are you taking medication for your BPD? Are you staying with them and not missing? As you know, that is the only way everything about you will remain consistent. Perhaps that will help too if she notices that you are not wavering in your demeanor and seriouness of wanting to get back together. And, if she is on meds for her ADD, then she knows the importance, too.

You are being so good to her and her mom/sister... I hope she is not taking advantage of you. Not very many men would offer to expand their home, build a new home, offer to have the mom/sister to move in, etc. One day she'll come to a realization of what type of man she has in you and she'll be sorry for the time she had lost.

Continue to keep us updated. I'd like to hear if she calls you, especially since you had sent her a Mother's Day gift through your daughter.

Best wishes...

Sorry I have more questions, have you ever cheated, or physically, mentally, or verbally abused your wife? I know, but have to ask. What region or country do you reside and the ethnicity are you and your wife, and your ages, I already know you've been married 12 yrs, and finally what religion are you?

Talaniman-I have been completely faithful and have never rasied my hand to her or the kids. We have had some heated arguments in the past where we both said abusive things to each other. Definitely nothing to be proud of.

I am 42 and my wife is 37. We live in West Virginia, just over the Western Maryland line.
We are Caucasian and are spiritual. We don't belong to a formalized religeon.

What thoughts do you conclude from this information?

Delilah- She has not given me much to go on, but indifference. She does call, but mainly to schedule kid pick-ups. I think in the last four weeks she's called two or three times for small talk. I am trying to keep positive, however. She has stated that she'll come to counseling, and she has not said anything at all about divorce. So, I'm just going to hang in there for now. My counselor is great, and I think she can help us; or at least me.

To nudge my wife along a bit I did write her another note of encouragement. I guess I'll bear my soul again and write some of it here. Let me know if this was OK:

"I have such deep feelings for you and a strong belief that we can still have a great marriage. It would be difficult and painful for me if we end our marriage without giving counseling our very best efforts. I know you said you would go, and I am grateful you accepted. I also realise that you do not have to go. I will never do anything more than ask you to join me. What I am hoping is that you will give it all you've got, and treat it with great importance. Come into it with high expectations and plan for stellar results."

"It would be a shame to throw away the investment of time and energy we've put into our marriage. Let's give this counseling and our relationship everything it deserves. And whatever you decide to do after we've completed counseling, I will support. If you decide to stay, obviously I will be very happy. If you decide you must go, I will not stand in your way."

Corny? Anyway, I gave this to her last night when we exchanged the kids. She called this evening, again to discuss kids scheduling, but didn't mention the note. But I know how my wife communicates often. She normally doesn't call about schedules until the end of the week. I think her call tonight was to say it's OK, in her indirect way. She'll make the effort.
I could be wrong. But that's the vibe I got.

Thanks all...

I think your note/letter to your wife was very well-worded and sweet. I had to bite my tongue, though, while reading it as you put the whole problem on your shoulders. I'm sure it was well received by your wife since you didn't put any blame on anyone, but you did thank her for agreeing to go to counseling with you and that you wouldn't pressurize her to stay with you in the end.. if she so desired it to go that way. I know you are 'playing it safe' by not trying to antagonize or pressurize her. I can only hope, though, that the counselor will show that marriage is a two-way street and that everyday will not be smiles and pleasantries. In even the best of marriages, there are ups and downs.. or some days more carefree than others. I hope your wife will go into the counseling (and hopefully your life together) understanding that you will not always be the fall guy taking the blame for everything, including issues that she starts. You would have one long, unhappy life if that happened. I wish she would not drop subtle hints that things seem okay by calling a few days early regarding the children's schedules. You shouldn't have to be reading into everything and hoping. She should be straightforward during these times... at least letting you know that she's hopeful, or looking forward to her first visit to the counselor.. or, ask how you are doing. <heavy sigh> You are looking for any little clue and that's not fair to you. However, I know your hopes are that you get back together.. so for now, it's OK. I am looking forward to the day she goes to her first session with you.

Again, your letter was very loving and sweet. Truly! I have to believe that your letter... worded in the way you had worded it.. moved her. I SO hope so. I am keeping positive thoughts for you, familyman2. You seem like a fine person. Please continue to keep us updated.

I woke up this morning feeling about the worst I have since this whole thing began. And the funny thing is that after the fog cleared sometime this afternoon I began to have some clarity in my mind;and some real anger.

Here I've been doing everything under the sun trying to keep my family together, and my marriage in tact. I have given my wife 12 years of my life and now she can't give me 10 minutes to talk about things. I am suffering and grieving, and she is running around with her bowling buddies like I don't even exist. She just doesn't seem to be appreciating any of my efforts. Furthermore, I have been taking the hit for all of our problems, even though the majority have stemmed from her emotional issues, and her irresponsibility with money. I won't say I've been perfect, but I have taken responsibility and apologized for my mistakes. And now here I am arranging and paying for counseling sessions that she hasn't even attended yet (She said she would go, but she does have a serious honesty problem to boot).

So, do I give it one more week? Do I just cut and run now? Do I hang in there a little longer? I mean the only way I can talk to her is by handing her notes. This is borderline insanity. I won't deny that I still wish to stay with her and help her, and us. And I agonize constantly about having to shuffle the kids back and forth. But I can allow myself to be a foolish doormat for only so long. I am beginning to feel resentment. In a way I just feel like going to her and give it to her straight. Another part of me wants to hang in there.
I am torn. Should I just wait it out a bit until the anger subsides? I think I'll sleep on it.

Well, the grieving process goes something like this... Denial, Anger, bargaining, depression, then acceptance. Keep going to counseling for you... you can express to her your feelings, but do not react to them... GO TO COUNSELING AND TALK TO YOUR COUNSELOR ABOUT IT and come up with a plan. You are going to go through many emotions, and your counseling is a support for oyu right now.

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I think I'll sleep on it.

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For now a wise decision. Talk to your counselor about what you feel.

I think you need to give it more time before you give up completely. You've been married 12 years. Giving up after such a short time of informal separation would be foolish. But, I personally feel.. and this is only my opinion.. is that you should try to get your wife to take some time and talk. Being apart while you are still married.. hoping something will just 'happen' without talking with one another doesn't make any sense. You have to be able to try to work out your difficulties with or without a counselor. Since you have a professional counselor, it would be wise for your wife to join you. After all, the problems in your marriage are not all one-sided, as you had told us. She has issues, too. I don't understand why she spends time with her friends and family while you are out trying to get your family back together? What about your kids? Why are they allowed to stay with her during this time of trial separation? I think you need to call her and tell her that you both need to talk.. and you both need to see the counselor. It has been awhile now. You've given her some down time. Stay calm. Tell her how many days it has been since she left. Talk time with or without the counselor. Good luck, familyman2. Keep posting here and let us know how it's going.

I have given this much thought, and given what you've written, leave the wife alone, and put all your love and focus on the kids. Be nice, but leave her alone, and only discuss the well being of the children with her. She needs to take responsibility for this relationship, as do you and she hasn't raised a finger, not fair, as it takes two, and you can't make a relationship work by yourself. I know your trying, but she isn't, so focus on what you can have a say over, your kids. Sorry that's how it looks from here. The relationship with your kids is top priority.

Don't be sorry Talaniman. What you say makes lots of sense. The heart-felt letters, the little gifts, the "thinking of you" phone calls are being discarded with no responses at all.
If they are working, she is showing no signs of it outwardly. I can't just keep doing the same thing that doesn't work. I think I will just give her some space for a while, and continue to focus on the kids. If she is to come to counseling, or to open up with me it'll be on her own notion. For my own sanity I need to detach for a while. She knows how I feel now, and my intentions. What more do I really need to do? I won't give up the idea of reconciliation, but giving her space may be the only way for her to realize what she might lose. Besides, I need to use my energy for regaining some confidence and esteem, and for preparing to move on if necessary.

I will say that this whole thing has been surreal in a way. The woman I love and am committed to is essentially gone. It is very difficult to believe. My best friend for 12 years now won't even make an effort to save the friendship. And she replaced me, seemingly so easily. It is painful and infuriating at the same time, which is why I am so torn between leaving her alone, and attempting to continue. Nothing worth while is ever easy I suppose.

It just doesn't make sense to me.

I don't like seeing people give up on one another, yet I can certainly understand when it feels so one-sided that you become so depressed. I remember a relationship years ago (not married) when I had tried hard to keep it together to no avail. Essentially, the other half (fiance) waited pretty much for me to get tired of trying and then we drifted apart. Perhaps this is what your wife is trying to have happen. Being blasé about your relationship and just letting you wear yourself down and give up. Sometimes the differences in a relationship are just too much for one to handle. As you had mentioned, perhaps she'll see what she is missing when you stop trying to appease her. Focusing on the children only right now is a good idea. I still can't get past why SHE has the kids all of the time and not you? Are you both having equal time with them, or are they with her more of the time? I also wish, for the sake of having her want to really miss you, that she didn't have a constant support group with her at all times. You sound so level-headed and have your priorities in order.. it's a shame that she is putting you through this. Keep up your counseling just to keep your wits about you, if for no other reason. You had told your wife about counseling a few times.. she said she would go with you.. now it's up to her to keep her word. If she doesn't, familyman2, then don't push. You don't want to always be the one who has to coerce her into a good marriage.. to understand you.. to be a good wife. It takes two.. no doubt about it. You deserve your happiness.. you are still young. Life is too short to have to struggle like this with a person who doesn't have her heart in it. I pray she comes to her senses very soon and realize what a loving husband she has in you. As always, best wishes, familyman2. Please continue to post her so we see how things are going for you.. and to give you some support, too!

I'm glad you see the logic of my post. You are connected to her through your children for years, and must be civil enough to raise them with as much love and stability as possible. Not only can you stop the dog and pony show, you can get your own house in order, with out her screwing the finances up. Keep us posted as I feel you will land on your feet, and find the happiness your looking for.

Thank you Delilah. Your constant support has been priceless to me throughout this difficult period. And just so you know, I don't plan on giving up. I am changing my strategy. I will leave it up to her to figure out what she is walking away from. In the meantime, like Taliniman recommended, I will focus on myself and my kids, who deserve all the love I can give them. Incidentally, we share the custody of the kids. It's 50/50. This is one thing we do agree on.

I am so glad you understand that a change in strategy is not giving up.

Thank you for the 'thanks', familyman2. It warms my heart to have someone thank me for my support. :o I'm hoping that your wife will sit and think one day soon, "Hmmm, I wonder what he's up to .. why hasn't he called or sent a note?" Her friends are keeping her mind occupied now and she doesn't have time to think about what she is missing. She may feel that she knows you so well that she thinks you'll always be there, waiting for her to return. Your stategy of holding back is a good one. I'm hoping that you have a group of friends you can lean on, too. You have all of us here, too, for support. ;)

Well sometimes the unexpected happens: I had asked my wife to look at a school I want to get my daughter into. Before I could even start on the information she began talking about things on her mind. She talked about all my problems naturally. How I would get angry and then turn cold (untrue), how I didn't leave the house instead of her (we all know why), how I would do nice things for her just to make her happy instead of doing them because I wanted to (?) etc... I mean lots of ranting. I just bit my lip and said "I'm sorry you feel that way". Then I said it takes two and that she has done many unfair things as well. But to me they aren't as important as the big picture. I said we all make mistakes and that you have to cut people some slack for being human. I also told her that we still can have a great marriage with many good years. She would need to come to counseling immediately so we can work through these issues, and learn to communicate better. She has agreed to come.

Small steps, can mean big changes.

This is great news, familyman2! It's a start and hopefully it will escalate to the point of bringing you two back together! I'm glad you stayed calm and that you gave the PERFECT response. I truly hope she sees the counselor with you. Is Friday the next appointment? This is great news and I'm keeping positive thoughts for you. Keep us posted, as you have been.

Thanks y'all. I am going to remain cautiously optimistic. Our appt. isn't until a week from this coming Friday. She'll be away this Friday. I will still go, however. I'm just wondering in the interim if I should hang back and leave her alone, or should I give her a "what's up" call now and then, or send her a card or something meaningful. What would a woman really appreciate in this situation?

Give her a single rose, and take the kids for the weekend. Have big fun and they'll tell mom what a great time they had. Females love happy kids. Ask me how I know! ( you'll love yourself for it too. Tell me a fun distraction wouldn't be good right now)

Tal's advice is good. A single rose (yellow is for friendship) is a great idea.. maybe with a nice, light-hearted card attached. Don't forget this is Memorial Day weekend coming up.. so taking the kids would mean a long weekend with them. Is your wife going away for the long weekend with friends? Call her one day next week with a reminder of the counselor appointment. I think you'll get a good idea about how serious she is about a reconciliation immediately after the counseling session with her. Always best wishes.. and keep us posted, as you have been, familyman2.

Hi all. Just checking in with a little question/concern. All is set for our counseling session on Friday, and we have been getting along fine during the brief moments we see each other (trading the kids). But, something has been bothering me a bit: my daughter inadvertently said, "mommy's friend Jeff comes over to the house alot". I've asked my wife about this guy over a year ago and she said he was just a friend from her bowling league, and that he was married. Recently, I asked her again about being involved with anyone and she completely denied it. This was when I decided to save our marriage. So now she knows I am "all in" about reconciliation, and she IS coming to counseling, which brings me to ask:
Should I bring this issue up with my wife before, during, or after counseling? Should I pay this no mind and believe her platonic relationship with this guy? I'm trying to figure out how to handle this, what my mindset should be, and what I should say (if anything) to my wife.

I know we all have known about this guy, and I have previously felt no threat by him. But, how is she supposed to think about our marriage when she has this guy filling the gap?

You cannot let assumptions take over your thinking, nor let them cloud your judgement. Stay focused on the counseling, and your relationship with your children. The rest you have to take with a grain of salt and just wait and see what the true facts are that will come to light. Don't get worked up over every little thing you hear.

I think you should bring it up in counseling! Not about Jeff, or anyone specific... but you can say your daughter has made comments about male friends and want to clear the slate and hear it from her, since you want to have open communication from her and not hear things through the kids. You want her to be honest about anyone she is or has been seeing. Counselors are trained!! And if the counselor feels there is dishonesty, they should be confronting that... so let the counselor do the work for now... you just keep being honest. If you do not bring it up, it is called having a "hidden agenda" and it will keep your relationship unhealthy and dishonest. Lingering thoughts are not healthy, they need to be squashed and move on.

Great! Thank you both for keep ing me focused. It's what I needed.

I agree with YeloDasy... I would bring up.. nonchalantly.. in counseling, that your daughter has mentioned that another man has been visiting 'mommy' frequently. I would say you were bringing it up during counseling because obviously your daughter has been noticing it enough to tell you and you're wondering if this will signal to the child that there is more a problem between 'mom and dad. (Your daughter already knows there is at least one problem since you're living apart). And, since you are working towards a reconciliation, you'd like to know if someone else is in the picture. YeloDasy is right.. there shouldn't be any hidden agendas, especially when you are both going for marriage counseling. Important information should be out in the open so that the counselor can help you both. If you don't bring it up, it will be nagging at you. True, you can take some things with a 'grain of salt', but with something like this.. and especially since your child noticed enough to mention it... I would bring it up. Your counselor is there to help decipher such things for you and your wife. Good luck, familyman2.

She's screwing somebody else and afraid to admit that to you. Start cutting your losses.

Just to be clear, wait until she is actually in counseling before even considering anything else. The focus stays on the kids.

I agree, talaniman. Counseling will expose if she is serious about being hopeful or not. Unquestionably, the children should always be the main focus. Good advice, tal.

OK, in typical Familyman form I have written an opening statement for our counseling session tomorrow. This is meant to break the ice and to develop a course theme. Hopefully this will also set the tone for mature discussions and it will get all of the cards on the table.

So, please review and respond with thoughts. I am open to edits, additions, etc:


"It will be great if our ultimate goal is to create a strong marriage; One in which we can be proud, content, and blissfully in love.

Obviously, in order to get there we need to dedicate ourselves to rebuilding the foundation with friendship, compassion, understanding, forgiveness, and proper communication.

This begins here with a commitment to being open and honest about how we feel about issues that have troubled us, but we should also discuss the many positive things that we have accomplished together, and never lose sight of them.

I think if we can do this with empathetic ears, and focus on expressing feelings rather than attacks and blame, we can make positive tracks towards our goal.

I for one am totally open to everything you have to say. I want to know how you feel, and how you think, and how I can do things better; because I want to be better. I want to be the best husband possible to make sure that you have a good life, and that you are always taken care of.

At the same time, it is my wish that you will be open minded and willing to listen to how I feel about the issues. Perhaps you will find things that, done differently, can bring us closer together. And will also provide you with self pride and contentment.

Let's be ready to do the work. Let's be patient and do it right this time. A strong effort, and lots of faith in each other, will reward us with the kind of marriage we both have wanted for many years. We can be best friends, best lovers, with the greatest life and family we could ever ask for. We can be very, very happy. It's right here in front of us.

So let's relax, roll up our sleeves, take a deep breath, and begin step one in our journey home..."

I will probably read this out loud after we have sat down and gone through the pleasantrys. Maybe there would be a better time to read this?

Outside of this, I am feeling very good about our chances of making it. There are definitely many obstacles that can trip us up and close the whole deal. But I know we can have the best chance if you all will pray a little extra with me, and we'll put the rest in God's hands.

Kind regards