Interesting to get his side of things from HIS view. That seldom happens on forums such as this. Get a check up from your doctor, or GYNO. In the meantime, answer his letter. A husband deserves that much, but far as I'm concerned, YOU must come first. Right or wrong he made his points, so make yours!

It can't hurt at all to be around YOUR friends and family. Not so much for advice, but love and support. I certainly don't think extended isolation is a good thing. My straight opinion though, 7 years of marriage, and still building a relationship, and no child is utter BS to me.

I think a man ACCEPTS a woman's ticking clock, as a part of her, or leaves her alone! Anything less would be half stepping, but that's just one guy's opinion.

Take your time Ms. Lost and Confused. Grab a meal and do something great for yourself. Call mom or dad. It's your TIME FOR YOU, so why water it in a hotel room?

OH....ABSOLUTELY NO ALCOHOL!!!

Tal, they've been married for 2 years, in a relationship for 7.

I was married 3 years, in a relationship for 8, before kids came along. Like her husband, I wanted to work on our home, our careers, our relationship, before we had kids.

I agree, no alcohol. It seems the OP's husband is very upset about her drinking, and if she's going to start a family, stopping before conceiving is a very good idea, especially if quitingwill be a problem, because during pregnancy, and during breast feeding, it's an absolute no no.

It seems that both parties have legitimate concerns about their relationship. To me it sounds like the husband is trying, and knows that he can be annoying, but that he feels that he can't say anything about how he feels because just mentioning the dishes, leads to divorce. But then we only get their points of view on everything, and no one is completely truthful about their role when it comes to issues.

To the poster, I think you should continue with therapy, if you still love him. If you don't love him anymore, then divorce him and move on. If you decide to stay, then you can't be the only one with demands, you have to listen to his demands too. It takes two to tango.

I did spend time with one of my best friends. She was very supportive of whatever decision I decided to make. I went as far as calling the lawyer and getting consultation prices 300 and then 2200 to finalize everything. I returned home on the 4th of July. He had his family over for we had planned a 4th of July party a while ago. We spoke again, the same discussion we usually have. He told me he loves me, wants a family, but wants me to be a housewife and to show more interest in the house and less in going out and going to the gym. I told him I would do all of that no problem but I was unhappy with our sex life. For we don't have sex and it just boggles me how a man can go days, weeks without sex. He said he had not watched porn and was making that sacrifice for me, for us. I said sacrifice? You should want to be with me. He said how can I want to be with you if we fight/argue every week. I said I understand but I wasn't the one causing the arguments. He then said I'm tired of doing this as I'm sure your tired of doing this as well- if in one month things don't get better we need to go our separate ways. We came to that agreement. As the last poster said- yes my husband wants to make sure we are okay... But after being together for 7 years, it shouldn't be this hard! He is close to 40 and this is a broken record on both our parts. And, then we went to the backyard and I tried to have a decent time and faked it till I made it smiling and talking to his family. It has been a week where I have done everything he wants me to do in showing interest in our home and doing things for the home and for us which I gladly enjoy. However, on friday- he said to me babe go put on something sexy- which I did and felt so sexy and so excited because he had initiated, I walked into the room in lingerie and he said wow you look hot- and that's where it ended. We didn't have sex. An hour and a half later I fell asleep. He went to go shower came out of the shower- I woke up and then turned over and he was asleep. He must've felt me get up out of bed- I was about to take the liongere off and put my pajamas on and he said no baby don't take it off leave it on for the morning sorry you fell asleep then I fell asleep we are tired. I said I wasn't tired I waited for you for an hour and a half. He again says leave it on we will do it in the morning. The morning came and went and nothing. Today is Wednesday and we still haven't had sex. What confuses me and boggles me he's the one that initiated. It makes me feel like crap. I just don't understand and I try so hard to forget about it because I don't want to fall back into the pattern that I distance myself from him and start to go out and start to show disinterest. Am I a fool? I honestly do think so. I ask you guys because I just don't understand it. My therapist says that its not me, its him there is something going on with him. She even asked if I thought he could possibly be gay?. at this point I don't even know anymore. I don't think he is, but I just don't know. My mother isn't talking to me because she thinks I am so stupid for staying and continuing to waste my time. I wish someone would decide my life for me and tell me that I am not making the wrong choice.

Has he ever been checked over by a doctor? There may be something medically wrong that's causing the low sex drive, or he may have erectile dysfunction.

I even went as far as doing two things: I took a picture of myself in lingerie and sent it to my best friend and asked her do I look fat? Ugly? She said I was crazy that I looked so good and that she doesn't understand what the hell his problem and why I continue suffering like this. And, #2 I zoned into his crotch area to see if he got any sort of hard on and nothing. He has gotten himself checked out before and his testosterone is normal. I don't know anymore. I honestly feel like a failure. I do love him but I just don't know anymore.

Does he have a stressful , physically or mentally exhausting job? I didn't see that mentioned because enough of a job load over a long enough period can take the wind out of his sails.

He is a teacher- he works summer school mon-thurs 9-12. He does suffer from anxiety and worries about everything but from my knowledge and what he has said to me it didn't interfere with him jerking off so why would sex be any different. I honesty feel that it's me he doesn't want. It has to be. What else could it be I don't get it.

High levels of stress affect men differently than women...

it just boggles me how a man can go days, weeks without sex. ------ Nope. Plenty of men wind down on sex.
He said he had not watched porn and was making that sacrifice for me, for us. ----- The right amount of porn is good for some people to keep the flame going.
I said sacrifice? You should want to be with me. ---- Nope. There is no should. Marriage has very few shoulds. UGH! Sounds like a driver's license manual.
He said how can I want to be with you if we fight/argue every week. ----- I agree with HIM 100000000%.
I said I understand but I wasn't the one causing the arguments. ------ It ALWAYS takes two to tango.

Somewhere in all that, I'm beginning to worry, is that you just aren't getting it.

I can see what you're getting at. And, in all honesty I feel dumb in how you stated your post. How he can ask me to put lingerie on and not have sex? He doesn't have to sacrifice watching porn for me, he can control himself. I watch porn but I don't substitute it for him, his touch, the connection. It does take two to tango I'm doing what he wants. I guess you're right though because I don't get it. Like I said I don't know maybe I'm just a fool.

Masturbating with or without porn and being satisfied is easy. Having great sex with another person and BOTH ending up satisfied is a tough row to hoe. Now, think about why for each of those scenarios.

You were so lost and confused when you left, and that's the way you went back, worse, you had such high expectations of romantic reconciliation. Now what? You are in the same place you were before you left to get your head together.

I'm going to be more blunt about not getting it. You have talked with girlfriends about your looks, and you bring up the subject a lot. I fear that you place too much importance on your desirability to him, and that to you, desirability is a very simple thing: how you look. And equally important, you want sex as proof that he finds you desirable.
I have a STRONG feeling that for him, it's WAY more about tender feelings, getting along, enjoying what you did that day, being happy with you. Arguments turn him off. (Who started it is really not relevant.)
Many people grow up seeing their parents fight and then go in the bedroom. The old 'makeup sex.' Very common, but not for everyone.

Do you see what I mean? Do you think a really deep talk about desire would show that you are both very different? Am I way off base, saying maybe it isn't sex you crave so much as it is the idea that he craves YOU, regardless of what's going on that day?

Agreeing with joy. The two of you need a different dance to try as you've been repeating the same steps over and over for a long time, and you're not getting anywhere.

I'd take sex off the table for now. Take the pressure, and it's looming large for both of you, out of the picture.

Pleasure yourself now and then if you need a release, but consider focusing your attention on simply being together, enjoying time together, with other ways of connecting physically.

Think back to basics... go for walks and hold hands, sit next to each other watching a movie, go out on dates, kiss spontaneously, try some different activities together... get out of the deep, deep rut you have dug yourselves into.

The point is, try to put the expectations on hold. As you've both seen, far too many times, you just end up disappointed and angry when the other person doesn't follow the script that you think they should follow.

Do for each other without keeping score and expecting a certain response in return... not easy to do, but very important.

Time to rebuild the intimacy and connection as friends and partners before lovers.