Not doing much better with this are you? A good step would be to talk about/obsess about something else right now. Anything else you can chat about that isn't involving her? Talk about your son, anything new he is doing? Learning? Saying?
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Not doing much better with this are you? A good step would be to talk about/obsess about something else right now. Anything else you can chat about that isn't involving her? Talk about your son, anything new he is doing? Learning? Saying?
Which one??
Answering questions with a question?
How many are there?
It's so nice when you DON'T think about them anymore, just a memory without the pain or anger.
Im trying really hard to tell her how I feel and tell her I understand the mistakes I made in the past. I truly do understand I was too controlling and jealous and that pushed her so far away I don't think she can recover from it.
She called yesterday to tell me that she does not see us getting together again she doesn't she herself "falling in love with me again". She loves me as a person and a friend. Telling me that if I wanted to date other people she could not get mad because she doesn't expect me to wait around for her forever.
It is really hard to take her out our schedules never match up she gets out of work very late and I have to be up very earlier. We did go see the movie fireproof and I even bought the book.
She also tells me she wants to remain very good friends and that we shouldn't have any resentment against one another.. Because when the day comes that she gets involved with someone she does not want me to hate her or do anything drastic.. I won't I know all my actions will have a influence on my son.
I am still having a very hard time getting through this and I think it is because I still have hope. I love this woman with everything I have. No she isn't perfect but she's just right for me. I don't know what to do. I try to go out I try to talk to people nothing works. I can't afford to see a counselor.
There are women that want to date me but I don't feel comfortable with it.
I think about her most of the day everyday and its about to be 9 months separated. I wish I can get my head out of my a$$ and figure this out but I have no idea what to do.
I wish I knew what to say or what to do to get my wife to fall in love with me again like she used to like we used to.
Its selfish but just the thought of another man being a fatherly influence in my sons life burns me up inside..
I don't know I'm still stuck and can't figure out how to let go and get away
I sent this email to my Wife today.. Was it wrong
I am writing this email to let you know how I feel about you, us as I feel I express my feelings better with written words. Let me start by saying that I truly understand the reason you wanted to be separated, I was way to controlling way to jealous never appreciated you and took you for granted. I never showed you any form of affection and love and I think about it now and I hate myself for it. You deserved much more than what I was offering. I can't imagine the pain and the loneliness you were feeling during those times and I truly apologize.
It was like we were living together but not married more like friends. I never held my weight around the house and always put everyone in front of my family. I was so far up my friends and more concerned about drinking beers and playing video games than I was about showing you love and spending quality time with us. I look back and say maybe if I would've took out my family over here instead of staying home and doing this or just spending time with you at night on the couch just watching a movie something as small as that I was not able to do.
There is no way that I can take the past away and there is nothing that I can do to make your feelings of hurt and disappointment in me go away. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and I have, I guess the saying is right you never know what you have till its gone. I realize that everything I ever wanted in life was right in front of me. A beautiful wife and son that gave me there unconditional love who loved me for who I was. You someone who cared for me more than anyone in my life who stood by my side through the worst and the best. I remember first moving into the apartment and having to sleep on the floor because we didn't even have furniture or a bed, but did you leave NO! You stood right there and tried to make the best of what we had.
You were always like that so optimistic the glass was always half full in your eyes and I loved you for that because it kept us balanced. I was always the one that was thinking the opposite but you were always like don't worry we will get through this, and we always did. Nothing couldve brought your spirit down and that's why I hate to see you in this state right now.
You blessed me with a wonderful son and even during the pregnancy I was still an ungrateful bastard. I will never forgive myself for that one. I will never let that happen in my life again. I have learned so much from this serparation I finally realize that people need to be treated with respect they need to feel appreciated and they need to be treated with love. None of which I was offering to you.
I do not and will never hate you for making the decision that you made. I look back at it and you had to there was no way that you could have stood in that sort of relationship and continued to be treated the way you were. It was way too unhealthy and you deserve way much more.
I love you with all my heart and am very sorry for the heartache and the pain I put you in within the last couple of years. This is in no way an attempt to reconcile what we once had, but more of a plea for forgiveness as one person to another.
I will never forget you and I will love you forever. The time we spent together is a huge chapter in my life. I learned how to be a mature person. Learned what was right and wrong I learned so much from you and I appreciate it you did more for me than anyone and still continue to do so.
I wouldn't say your perfect lol... But you were everything in my eyes
I would defitnetly change plenty if I could but I can't all I can do is try to make it up to you through our friendship.
So I wish you nothing but the best in your future and may you be blessed with everything you wish for.
Again Im Sorry for being such an AHOLE!!
My question is what do you expect to get out of this? I understand that you want to get things off your chest, but what exactly do you think this will do?
Your words are empty right now, they really are. I know you are emotional and you want so bad to change the past, but you will NEVER change what has been done, and you acknowledge that. Quit saying what you are going to do, and just do it. Actions speak louder than words. Time to walk the walk, and let your actions speak for themselves.
Time to leave the ladies alone, all of them, and rebuild your own life, with out depending on them, to be happy.
If you leave them alone, you can be focused on your own feelings, and thoughts, and form a plan of action for your own self.
It sucks and hurts really bad, we all get that. Get busy.
Let me start by saying it does get better for everyone going through what I went through 10 months ago. I can breath,eat, sleep, have fun more than I ever thought I would.
Don't get me wrong I still think of her and wish sometimes, but far from how much I use to.
She came to drop off our S today gave me the only attitude then left... Before I would have chased her down the block to see what was wrong now Im like OK what was that for.
She then called me later in the day to tell me something good that happened to her.. I told her it doesn't work like that.. she can't give me attitude then expect me to sit there and listen to something great that happened her because she needs to tell someone.. If its going to be civil between us then it should 2 sided
I would have never done that 6 months ago I would have been all ears like yeah congrats oh man Im so happy... lol Its funny knock her off her high horse a little..
Well just trying to vent a little... I still have a ways to go.. but wow what a difference
She cannot talk or communicate when something comes up... its always you know what forget it then..
Well YOU know what, I'm starting to say f@#$ it...
Time heals. Stay strong. Be good to yourself.
Glad to hear you are doing better. I hope I feel that way soon. I am working on month 4 for myself. It is better, but she still pops in my head fairly regularly, but it is not as intense as it was before.
Great Job. It's good to read some good news from people who have made it through.
Glad to see you are coming along very nicely! Told you it just takes time, sadly it's the one thing that takes the longest
Doesn't it feel good to stand up for yourself? It's an amazing feeling and I've been trying that a lot more now..
I'm very happy for you.. you're at the point now where you're realizing that there is life after "the ex" It's amazing isn't it?
Well, it's good that you develop a back bone and sticking to your guns because it will help you in your next relationship and you won't repeat the same thing. I am glad that you learned from the relationship with her and changing yourself for the better.
Ive posted on here before... Long story short wife left me after a 10 relationship and a little son, due to me not being affectionate enough.
I have a question its been over a year since we have been separated. I went through her telling me in the beginning that we will get back together one day to now she doesn't know what she wants.
I have tried the NC thing but always go back to speaking to her on a personal level. She is always telling me that she wants to remain good friends and we do things with our son when our schedule allows it. We go to the mall movies out to eat etc.. But she will always remind me that it is just as friends...
Now she is not seeing anyone that I am aware of or she is hiding it very well. My question why does she want to remain so close of friends if she does not want it to progress into anything.
At one point she thought I was dating and got upset and even started crying, if she doesn't want me why the emotions.
I do still love her and most likely would give our marriage a second go around neither of us has filed for the paperwork as of yet.
So how do I handle this do I tell her let me go so I can completely get her out of my system or do I fight to save my marriage even after a year of separation..
I am still so confused after a year of living apart!!
I'm sure some people will tell you move on and forget her.
I think you should give it another shot.
"Long story short wife left me after a 10 relationship and a little son, due to me not being affectionate enough."
"At one point she thought i was dating and got upset and even started crying, if she doesn't want me why the emotions."
You sound like a robot (no emotions).
I'm just throwing this out there, so hopefully I won't get too much adversity. But it sounds like you should make the effort and win her heart back. Step it up man! Do the romantic stuff. Do all the small things. Give her more attention. Show her more emotions.
PUT SOME EFFORT!
Your right a lot of people are going to tell me to move and I accept that, they are here to give advice.
Ok we are supposed to go to the movies tomorrow afternoon to watch something with our son. Do I show up with flowers or do you think that is to straight forward. I was thinking more of a card saying how I appreciate what a great mom she is to our son,
What do you think..
I think that in you weren't affectionate to begin with then often throughout those ten years, she felt more like a brother and sister or best friends.
The relationship has always been comfortable to her and although she loves you probably tremendously as far as a relationship goes, you aren't a willing and able participate, so she is choosing to continue the best friend relationship with the option of finding someone willing to physically express his love for her.
Ten years is a long time relationship, you apparently get along well. If you are willing to step up to the plate, you have to do it on a consistent basis, because offering her what she wants and then reverting back to your old ways would put you right back in the friends zone.
If I were to choose, I think the card can say more than the flowers. Understand that affection isn't just about gifts, it's about physical contact, willing physical contact on a reoccuring basis.
Your right about some people telling you to move on so... move on.
You mention that her wanting to remain close MAY mean she wants you back. Well, here you are friend, why are you not back together as of yet?
Also, you tried the NC thing and it didn't really work, it actuality you were not able to do the NC thing and so a year later your still confused as ever. It won't work if it's not done.
I do sympathize with your situation, however, it is like many, many stories on here. One partner wishing to be friends, the other interpreting that to mean hope for a future. If it does mean getting back together than great, but it rarely happens, most of the time you drag this out for years until the answer you could have had way back when is the same answer you'll get years later.
If I were you I'd go, if you do not see the logic behind that than simply state your intentions and see what she says, at least that way you'll spend no more time wondering and suffering over it.
Justwantfair you are right.. It was more comfortable than it was love.
I have been doing a lot of research on how to be a more affectionate person.
I will def go and get the card and fill it out tonight for tomorrow.
Now do I do something like this everyday or a couple of times a week. Because I do not want to push her away or scare her. Also any tips would be helpful
The reason I told you to keep trying is because if you are not affectionate with her, who's to say that you will be affectionate with another girl. Moving on might not do you that much good. You were married to this woman for 10 years and you have a kid together... so... here we go...
Like what Justwantfair said, if you are going to get back into the game with her, you're going to have to put in a consistent effort. Are you ready to do this? You don't just win her back and then sit back on the bench. You've got 10 years of neglect to make up for.
I think flowers is a good start. I'm not sure about the card. It's not about how good of a mom she is... it should be how good of a wife she is...
I see that you'll probably need some help with ideas on how to win her back, so feel free to ask!
My partner and I have this same issue recurringly so I am very sympathic to your wife's position, but the one thing I have learned is that this is very difficult to change on a consistent basis, but it's well worth the effort.
When two people love each other there is a natural desire to be in physical contact. When you are in a comfortable non-affectionate relationship one partner feels they are always making in the extra effort for physical contact and the affection is not returned.
Make this a daily effort, there is a fabulous book called the five love languages that gives wonderful tips on understanding the way she communicates love and being able to share that language with her.
Don't expect any miracles, she probably loves you but has long since given up on the fact that she can get what she wants in a relationship with you. Take things one day at a time and keep me posted ;)
BMI I have stated my intentions and that's the problem all I did was talk I never tried to win her love back..
Another thing we only get to see one another once a week when we exchange our son, so how do I go about showing her the other six days..
Calls asking her how her day was
Send flowers to her office
Save flowers for special occasions.Quote:
Originally Posted by firsttimedumped
Definitely call. Show her that you care about her. Communication is huge.
Once you guys get comfortable again, try to see her more often.
I'm sure your kid has activities? Why don't you spend time with her then?
Do you work far from each other? Can you meet up for lunch?
We live about a half an hour away from each other.. The thing is our work schedule I work during the day and she works at night so its really hard for us to meet up.. I get out at 4 she starts at 4.
Our son does have many activities but again the work schedule comes into play..
First buy the book.
Then start courting your ex wife again.
You will find time even with your conflicting work schedules. Meeting her for dinner will be easier since she works nights.
Book to gain tips.
- Cook her dinner and bring it to her
- Buy her dinner and bring it to her
- Meet up for dinner together
It's a stretch, but since she works at night, maybe she can meet you for lunch.
Try to do activities together as a family, with her and your kid.
Don't forget, don't push her too much, cause you don't want to scare her away. Just ease into this. Take it 1 day at the time and see how she reacts.
Thank you for all of the advise..
I will take it one day at a time. Tomorrow I will start with the card hopefully she will like it and we can enjoy a nice movie together..
I posted this in letter to our exes a little while back. Should I show her or just keep it to myself
I feel so sad the pain that I have in my heart hurts more than any physical pain I have ever experienced. It hurts so much because the reason she is no longer by my side is all my fault.
I would give up everything just to wake up next to her in the mornings again.
I pray over and over again for god to give me the strength and wisdom to either let it go and accept it or teach me the way to be a better man.
She is so sweet and kind and loving. She even blessed me with a wonderful little boy. So why is she not here, because I didn't show her the love and the affection she deserved. I stopped telling her how much I loved her an how much I appreciated her. My hugs and kisses turned into foul words towards my wife.
Instead of telling her thank you I asked her to do more. She had the whole weight of the relationship on her back and I wasn't helping her carry it.
But now it's too late and I lost the only person that ever truly understood me. Will she ever see that I really understand what went wrong with us, I don't think so.
I wish I knew all the right things to say and do to her so that we can fall in love again and start our family over on a new leaf.
But she doesn't believe I can be the man she is looking for. She lost my trust after many broken promises I made. That's the hardest part trying to gain back the trust that I lost, and knowing again that it was all my fault.
I'd wait a bit before showing her this. At least until you guys are together again. This letter has very pessimistic. Right now, you want to focus on optimistic stuff.
Like you said in the letter, you want to gain back her trust. So focus on being there for her emotionally and physically. Show her that you care about her well-being by talking and listening to her. You're going to have to suck it up and focus all the attention on helping her. Your own personal pain will have to take a backseat for now.
I am going to go against the grain, and strongly advise you to put a lot more into the relationship between you, and your child, and a lot less on her. Be a good parenting partner, and let that be your focus, more than trying to win her back.
You really need to concentrate on you, without her influence. Trust me, she will see your behavior, and improvements for herself, but you will not be doing it to get her back, but to be at peace with yourself.
A year is no time to heal after a 10 year marriage, and I feel your pain, but its about the adjustments you make for yourself, and your child, NOT getting her back and returning to the life you were comfortable in. Leave the personal stuff alone, and focus on cooperating with her to keep your child happy, so they can be loved, and feel loved, now that would be much more impressive than dinner, flowers or dating. Its also the correct thing for a father to do.
This also will help with your healing, and keep you focused on the right things, as making more time for your son is better than worrying about how your wife feels, and gets you out of the need to prove a darn thing to her. That doesn't mean be rude, but be INDEPENDENT. It gives her the space to do her thing, and lets you do yours.
Sorry for your loss, but patience, and focus on what's really important, is a much more positive, and productive way, to be a father first, and love yourself right now.
Let her see you happy with who you are, and handle your real business on being a loving dad, without MOM. That goes a lot further than flowers, and to the one who needs attention the most.
Greenie ^
l
Ok update
She called me this morning to ask if I can help her get her car inspected so I agreed to help her since I know a well known mechanic. She meets me at the shop we drop off the car and go out to eat breakfast with our son. Breakfast goes well eye contact laughter and no dull moments.
Then after we go to the movies to watch Monsters Vs aliens (wasnt funny at all) and have some dinner. Again joking around with each other and everything is going fine. The whole time I'm trying to touch her lightly and feel her out she did not jump away from my touches..
Ok I know I should not read into what she told me on the way home but here goes.. She said that she had a wonderful time hanging out the whole day and she did not feel uncomfortable at all.. And I know that sentence means just that nothing more nothing less.
Taliman I understand exactly what your saying during this separation I have managed to finish school and get a better job for me not for her.
Thanks again for all the advice
Sounds like a really good day. I know that you want to be careful and not be over-confident, but you can give yourself a little bit of credit.
I'm going to agree with part of what Talaminan said, you should really focus on your son, but win her heart back at the same time. Today was a perfect example.
If you are going to get back together with your ex wife, you're not only going to live with her, but you have your son as well.
Whatever you do with your wife now, you have to keep your son's best interests first. Spend more time with the three of you (or just with your son only), once a week is too little. You have to be committed to her and your son.
If he's in school or at an activity, then do something alone with her.
Hi First,
What about marriage counseling? Have you and your wife ever considered that?
Thanks for all again..
Yes that is my plan to make myself better so that my son can have an excellent future. At the same time try to patch up things with his mother so we can do it as a family.
Today I have to go with my son to his grandmothers house which is only 5 minutes from where she lives. So I figured I would ask her if she would like to join our son and I for some brunch before she heads off to work.
Her response was thank you but she has a lot to take care of and to slow down..
What do you guys think..
Starlite1 I have asked but she does not want to attend..
Iwish I forgot to mention a conversation we had a little while back about the relationship..
She told me that she tried to hard to save the marriage and has gotten used to being alone and does not want to try anymore..
That might be a big help letting you guys know how she feels.
Was she telling you to slow down or that she wanted a slow day for herself?Quote:
Originally Posted by firsttimedumped
Take the hint, more alone time with your son, and STOP, trying to get her back. Back away from her my friend.
Not to get her back, but to get you use to being without her.
Ever miss someone who is always giving you attention??
If she said that, it means that you're going to have to back off... but...Quote:
Originally Posted by firsttimedumped
I know I'm going against our expert Talaminan, but personally, if you are acting in the best interest of your son, I feel that you should try to win her back so that your son can have his real parents as a family. I bet if you ask him, he would you want two to get back together as well.
So I wouldn't give up so easily. HOWEVER, it does not mean she wants you back. This process is going to take a LOT of "time" and "patience". I'm not sure if you want to move on with your life and one day find another woman, which means a step mom for your son. Then the possibility that your ex wife finds a new husband, so then a step-dad. In my opinion, that's not the most ideal situation for your son, but others may disagree.
Like I said in an earlier post, you have 10 years of neglect to make up for. If you are willing to be REALLY patient and take things slowly to rebuild her trust, I believe that you can win her back.
Starlite she was telling me to slow down in trying to spend time with her...
If a friend of mine wrote the sentence I just did I wouldve called him an idiot.. I guess love is blind.. wow
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