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My lawyer told me to keep my cool and not to let him get me ruffled.

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Your lawyer is right, as you have a big advantage here, and its yours to lose. Keep doing what your doing, and let her hang herself. As long as the kids well being comes first, YOU Can't LOSE! What a piece of work you married!

NO kidding! I can't believe the difference between the way I feel about her now, and the way I felt about her 75 posts ago. I guess love is truly blind. I just gave this woman the benefit of every doubt over the years. I would have done anything to keep my marriage and family together. C'est la vie(sp?)

Now on to another unsettling matter. I just received a letter from my lawyer that she is having a scheduling conflict on the day of my hearing. She said that unless I hear from her I will need to attend the hearing (I'm assuming alone). Is this common? For a lawyer to be unavailable for a major hearing seems unlawful. I have so much at stake here! Would a judge really make me attend this hearing without counsel?

I am hoping that the conflict gets resolved. It just seems logical that the hearing will be rescheduled.

This is not what I need right now. The stress of the divorce is enough without the possibility of my lawyer going AWOL. We have so much ammo prepared for this hearing. If I have to do it solo it might all get shot down by the "snake". The ironic thing is that a part of me would love to be able to go in there and kick some @## . I know this case just as well, if not better than my lawyer. It would be a huge risk.

Another wait and see situation!

Take tactic from her book, and reschedule.

OK, well the hearing went on as planned. The initial step was the judge asking why we hadn't been to mediation and then saw the report about the ex never replying to the mediator. The ex stuttered as she tried to come up with some lame excuse, and the judge would here nothing about it. I mean the judge got furious. She reminded her that she was under oath and that any more lies and there would be trouble.

THEN, the issue of her three week period of no contact came up. She tried to pin the rap on me stating that I never brought the kids to her when it was her custodial period. The judge asked again, "where were you?", she kept dodging the question. Then my lawyer reminded her that she was under oath and that we really would like to hear her reasons for being out of contact. She finally began to explain that she was having work related issues and that her system would not allow her to make phone calls or emails. My lawyer then just got fed up with the ex's perjury and dropped the bomb, "she was out of touch your honor because she was incarcerated on a felony fraud charge.

You should have seen the judges expression. The ex's lawyer grew silent. The ex began to ramble off some excuse that she never got the warrant notice because it went to a previous address of hers. Her claim was it was a bogus charge and she will be expunged this week. (The judge did not buy it. I don't buy it either. How easy is it to get out of a felony charge for passing bad checks?)The judges point anyway was that the ex was lying, which was just as bad as the actual arrest.

The other attorney was treading while my lawyer was kicking some tail. I finally felt like the courts were on the side of the man.

Up to this point the ex had the kids every weekend. But now, the judged ordered that I get them every third weekend. The ex was previously slated to have the kids the majority of the summer. But now we will share the kids trading off every Sunday. (I did tell the judge that I would compromise and take the kids one weekend a month instead. My lawyer looked at me like I was crazy. I wanted to show the court that I am a reasonable and fair person. Hopefully this will help me in the long run for more custodial rights if we go to trial. Or maybe I just shot myself in the foot!).

I still get to have them during the school year as well. So now the kids will be with me roughly 65% of the time.

I didn't intend to gloat here, but I am floating on a cloud right now. I know these things don't last in divorce court. There are still rocky roads ahead. We still have mediatioin and possibly a trial. But I am going to enjoy the victory for now.

Definitely don't gloat as things did go rather well, and you have more than enough evidence in the record, as being the responsible parent, and there is no need to over play your already good hand to show the judge, or anyone else anything. But a small victory , is so sweet after all you have been through. Congrats on bringing forth the truth. Much Luck the rest of the way.

My jaw dropped to the floor when I got the news that her newest lawyer (the snake) had become her ex-newest lawyer. Apparently when a client severely perjures oneself to the courts and to one's attorney there is an ethics code that states the attorney must step down from the case... and he did.

Another rule I learned about was that there is a ceiling on the amount of questions allowed in the interrogatives. It is 22 in my state. They have been sending me envelope after envelope with interrogatives of questions that are irrelevant to the case. They are meant to harass me and to trump up my attorney fees. She also sent an affidavit ranting about all the miserable things I have done and how I am a rotten parent! It makes for some real good reading.

My lawyer said that we already answered 16 with her first lawyer, so we will only answer 6 more and then file a protective order with the court. And we will file to recover atty fees related to this issue and all the contempt issues that she has caused during the divorce.

Meanwhile, she has missed her last three visitations, has popped into the kids school without my knowledge (including taking them to a counselor without my knowledge), continues to talk bad about me in front of the kids, is now facing the prospect of hiring her fourth lawyer in as many months, owes money to everyone, lives in her boyfriends home where there is the uncertainty of future stability for the kids, and so on...

Our next move is mediation. The mediator is a well respected ex-judge. The ex has already blown off the first attempt by the mediator to get us together. And she called the mediator a lier in court, stating that she never got any messages. So I feel confident that I can get a fairly good custody arrangement. One that is fair, but still gives me a larger percentage of the custody. Of course there is no way the ex will accept anything but 50/50 so I am already preparing for the home study. If anyone has suggestions for the mediation and the home study I am all ears. Thank you.

That's the latest Kind Regards

Familyman, I just wanted to pop in here and tell you how HAPPY I am for you. Nice work, you stick to your guns! :)

I am not surprised by your recent successes, as its your exes loss. Keep up the good works for those kids, and I'm glad for you. Thumbs up!

I noticed the other day that it has been exactly one year since my first post. It is amazing to see what the difference a year makes. Even though life seems to move faster with each passing year, the difference between the past 365 days is huge. So, I went back and reread this thread to gain some perspective. I feel a little silly to see how naïve I was
Allowing myself to be. I wanted so hard to believe that things could work out that I was willing to bear the whole burden of our troubled marriage. In a way I still wish I could have saved my marriage and kept the family together, but realistically, knowing what I know now, I am fortunate that it turned out this way. Actually, things did work out. But not the way I would have guessed. I think you all knew that there was no way this woman was going to come around, yet you gave me the hope and encouragement I needed at the time. My hat's off to you for your wisdom.

So things are different. I am finally beginning to feel human again. Like life is a good thing. A year ago I didn't think it was possible. And due to the recent events I am confident that I will be a huge part of my children's lives.
That alone gives me intensely great emotions.

The next few months will be, hopefully, the last few months of being married to her. We still have mediation, home evaluations, and, more than likely, a stressful trial. Time will tell how the chips will fall.

It has been an arduous year. However, I believe there are seeds of benefit in every misfortune. Among the benefits of my saga is this thread, where I have had the luck and pleasure of receiving the support and insight of some real, compassionate people to whom I am eternally grateful... Talaniman you are a sage. Delilah you are an angel (on earth), and vLee, Mom of 2, Startover22, tawnynkids,Yelodasy you all make this website the most worthwhile and invaluable place in cyberspace. Cheers!

Another benefit is that my kids are in a great school... together!

Familyman says: So things are different. I am finally beginning to feel human again. Like life is a good thing. A year ago I didn't think it was possible. And due to the recent events I am confident that I will be a huge part of my children's lives.
That alone gives me intensely great emotions.

Familyman, this puts a smile on my face! You should feel anything but silly. :) You were given a situation and you took the bull by the horns! Good for you! You should feel like a man for one, and a good one at that. It shows in everyone of your posts, you fought for what you love! Thank goodness for men like you! Keep up the great work, and please keep us posted!

Bravo familyman2!! Can you hear me clapping from here? What a great job you have done to stay calm and act like a responsible adult and parent. You took it slow and sure and never let down your guard... and because of that, things may just work out the way you want them to. It would be hard from here to think that the courts could go anyway but to you for stability. Most parents would have 'lost it', but you stayed the course. You mentioned re-reading your earlier posts and thinking how naïve you were. No, you were not naïve. You were going though something traumatic that you never thought possible or that could have happened to you. You asked all the right questions and thankfully, found some sound advise from many of the folks here. You built on that and you get the credit for building on the information you had received. I am SO pleased that you feel stronger now and fully realize that life IS good! You're children can only benefit from seeing how you have handled yourself thus far.. and how you strive to keep their daily life as normal as it can possibly be. Once again, not to sound overly dramatic, but BRAVO! I hope you continue to keep us informed. Though I don't post as often as I had, rest assured that I do keep up daily here and do look for your updates. I'm keeping positive thoughts for you, familyman2. I think it's all going to work out fine. :-)

Through all of this your kids came first, that makes you a REAL MAN. That's what your kids needed. (the world could stand more like you) Much Luck in the future.

Hi all, checking in for some thoughts:

The ex has done the same thing again that is very frustrating. Her custody time is Wednesday from 4-8. Instead of telling me she can't make it, she will go into the kids school, bring them a toy and tell them she can't come. Then I don't find out until after school. If I have made plans they are ruined, and she knows this. This is wrong in more ways then one. She should not just pop into the kid's school, it is disruptive. She should inform me if she plans to go in the school out of courtesy. And she should NEVER bring them toys while they are supposed to be learning, much less bring them toys out of guilt for not being there for them. I have repeatedly asked the ex to give me direct information and not use the kids as messengers but it doesn't seem to be sinking in. Should I contact my lawyer about this? Or am I overreacting and being petty?

Other than that all else is normal. Mediation is at the end of May.

You can overcome this set back. Oh my gosh look at all the worse stuff you have gone through;)
Your plans were messed up, but guess what, what those kids see is a father, a man doing right and a mother that is not. They will remember these times, I promise! I know I did!
Hugs familyman, you are still on the right road!

Touché Startover22. Thanks for that. You are right, I am looking at this as bonus time with the kids. I would much rather have them and my plans botched than to not have them and follow through with my plans. I still wish she would have a little more respect and consideration, but that is a tall order!

You say they will remember these time, you did. What do you mean by that? Do you remember this with your parents, or do your kids remember this with you? At what point did these revelations happen? Just curious...

My parents split when I was 5... I saw my mom once when I was 9, once when I was 15 and again when I was 32, and again when I was 33. I am still 33 (being 5 it is hard to remember but I do) I remember being connected to my mothers hip, I didn't even let her pee with out me bugging her, I loved her. She loved me. She and my dad got a divorce, my mom lived in the same town for a little under a year, but then she left never to return.
I never ever thought it was my business to ask what happened. All I do know is that my Dad took us all (4)on. He could have let my mom take us, but he knew it wouldn't be good, even though I am sure it killed him to have motherless children. I remember that and always will. I remember my mom being flaky and not giving us the attention we needed when we did see her (when she lived in town)
Family man, you are a man of honor, you just keep that up and when your kids are 33, they will (I hope) know nothing but the love and strong parenting you Family man gave them. You give them security and structure. They have to know they had some one to count on, and that will be you;)

(what is this, therapy for start day or what?)

Yes it's therapy! Feel better? Sounds like you have a great dad. What you went through is something I swore would never happen to any child that I brought into this world. I made my feelings very clear to my wife (girlfriend at the time) while she was pushing for marriage and a family. This is the issue that really burns me because I thought she understood just how serious I was, and that she felt the same way. Live and learn...

Hi guy, I see she still doesn't have a clue, but your behavior is outstanding, and your kids are so lucky. Glad to know there are still REAL MEN in the world. You can handle this latest escapade, but document them, and make sure your lawyer knows everything. Continued luck.

Wow, just caught up on this saga... Bring these visitation issues to the attention of the principal and the mediator. I am sure they will broker a solution best for the children and it will not be coming from you.

Good luck and can hardly wait for the dissolution... as I feel strongly you will surely get a favorable one.

Thanks again for the support and advise you all. I have documented every visitation since the beginning of September '07. I'll bring this to mediation, and fax a copy to my lawyer.
The mediation is in a couple weeks, and the trial (or hearing) will be in mid July. If mediation fails there will be a home study. The final hearing is set for mid August. It's all coming to a head and hopefully I will be legally rid of her by September.

So what is happening now familyman2?

Hello everybody, I hope all is well.

We had our first mediation session this week and will continue next week. So far I have retained the children during the week for school, but I will also have them for the first weekend of each month. Further than that I get one of the kids once a month for one-on-one-time. So one weekend with one of my kids and the following month with the other.
AND on top of that, I will coach their soccer team for one season per year, so I get them for all Saturday mornings during that season. The summer initially was going to be heavily weighted towards her, but now we are going to exchange the kids every Sunday, so it is 50/50. What this means is that I will have the kids with me 2/3 of the time! Unheard of for a father in these parts.

I am sure the ex has her back to the wall, so she doesn't have much gas for these mediations. The judge is already mad at her, she has had two lawyers quit on her, she just got indicted for her felony charge, she is in contempt of court for various issues, and the last thing she wants is to have a home study where she is living in her boyfriends house with the kids. I was ready to show some mercy on her but when we got in there she just started mouthing off about anything she could think of to get under my skin.

Anyway, we still need to work out holidays and vacation time, which I am going to push for 50/50. We meet again next week. Nothing is set in stone so she could come walking back in there and refuse anything that we agreed upon during the last session.

Wish me luck!

Best of luck, and glad things are working in your favor. You deserve it, and so do your kids.

I admire everything you have done for the kids. How are the kids doing anyway?
I wish you lots of luck. Good to hear from you. Take care!

It's signed!

The final mediation session was this morning. Even though I wish to see my kids everyday, I came out with a better than expected custody agreement. I will have the kids with me roughly 240+ days out of the year! We will split the summer and holidays. They WILL go to school with me, and I will have them 1-2 weekends per month. I will coach their soccer team once a year, which will give me extra time with them on Saturday afternoons. There were other issues worked out but they were minor compared to the custody time.

It was a battle in the mediation, but I think she just wore out and realized she was in a very poor position. I am not the kind of person to take advantage of others, but this case was the exception. After all of the pain and torment I have been through because of her decisions, it was a little bit of payback...

I asked to be the sole decision maker in regards to the kid's education. It didn't really get
Resolved so I will need to bring this up in our settlement hearing in a couple weeks.

That hearing will put the stamp on the custody plan, and will hopefully resolve all of the money issues. Basically, she owes me a ton of money. We'll see if my lawyer is worth her salt.

Beyond that, I am relieved. I can't say I'm on cloud nine, because it isn't the way I wanted my and my kid's lives to go. But after swallowing the big pill and facing reality this is about as good as I could make it.

I don't know if this is a normal feeling of other parents, but I was really pissed that the exes boyfriend would have had as many custody days as I with the 50/50 joint custody quota that was being pushed by the courts, and our two lawyers. But now that I will have 2/3 custody it makes me feel great that I won't be haunted by this concern.


Finally, the kids... this is what it is all about. They are having a great summer and are as happy as clams. I pray that the ex comes to her senses and realizes that taking the low road will only affect the kids. But again, they are fine, and are going to have the best childhood I can give them.

Take care all. I will check back after the next hearing.

Familyman, you are absolutely wonderful. Thank God for this outcome! Iam so happy for you and proud of you for sticking with it. Standing up for yourself in a heart wrenching time, well, that is hard enough, then dealing with it in such a great manner, with pride and love and concern for only your kids, pushing many of your own feelings and wants aside for them. Family man, I can't say enough about how proud I am of you handling all of this in such a way. Hugs and lots of love for your kids. They are very lucky to have a father like you!

What were you worried about? Everyone could see who the better parent was from the very beginning.

Your kids are so lucky to have such a great DAD!!

Thanks! Your praise is humbly appreciated.

I WAS worried! In my county the courts don't seem to be concerned with the better parent. They are concerned for the mother (better parent or not). It's the fathers onus to claw for any little break. For the first year of this case I was losing sleep and weight. I was worried.

Lately, however, I have been sleeping fine...

Thanks again, and again for your kind words.

Anytime, and don't think you are getting out of here that easy... :)
We would love to hear about all of the good stuff happening to you and anything you need to talk about is welcome here! This is so great. Again, I just can't choose which beautiful words to describe to you how proud I am of you! You are a good man!! :)

Startover I have no plans on going anywhere. Now that I've found the greatest friends in cyberspace I would be a fool to sign off. You all are probably underestimating your value to me. These past two years have been the absolute worst years of my life. It sounds mellow dramatic but this forum has been my lifeline. There were times it hurt so bad I didn't know how much more I could take. Getting the support and advice here literally kept me hanging on. If you don't realize that you helped another human being pull himself out of a huge pit and come out stronger than before than I haven't expressed that properly to you. I'm not overly religious, but I know I was led here.

Now for the good things (since you asked). Obviously the best news is that the kids did not miss one day of school and they both got straight A's. We get along great with all of the teachers, principle, and staff. And they seem to really like having us join their community. The kids and I have acclimated very nicely to our new home and new life in a new town. AND I just got a bunch of custody with them! What news could be better? Now if I can get my business to grow and meet some people in town things will really be looking good. I really need to meet new people here. That will help. I haven't had much chance with everything that has been going on, but my divorce will be final in August and I've made a pact with myself to get out there! It's exciting and scary at the same time.

I will admit, however, that my marriage is not completely out of my blood even though I know in my head that I am better off. I think the thing that still bugs me is that the woman I thought I was going to spend my life with is with some other guy. And some other guy is with the woman I thought I was going to spend my life with. It is a weird feeling; almost surreal. It doesn't seem to fit or make sense to me. I guess I'm still an idealist at heart. A marriage and a family is everything. How can some people mess with that, hurt others so bad, and seemingly feel no remorse about doing it? My marriage is not totally out of my blood, but it is thinning. Just realizing that the ex would have an affair (and justify it by pointing fault at me) tells me how lucky I am to be away from her. Perhaps she did me a favor by doing what she did. Anger outlasted love... and it led to indifference. (How's that for a song?)

I hope life is going well for you all too. You deserve it!

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how lucky I am to be away from her. Perhaps she did me a favor by doing what she did.

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You can't lose with that attitude. You may have to thank her one day as things get better for you. I have no doubt it will work out in your favor.

CONGRATULATIONS FAMILYMAN2!! What a wonderful outcome to your year of heartbreak and concerns. Those of us who have kept up with your dilemma knew all along that you'd come out fine in the end. What had fascinated me was your total concern for your children before anything else. You were like the mother bear looking out after her cubs.. something your 'soon-to-be-ex' should have been doing. Now that all your ducks are in a row, so to speak, you're just now beginning to think about yourself a little bit. Wow. You are to be admired, Familyman2. Be proud (as we are of you) and know in your heart that you went over and beyond what the average man would have done out of love for their children. Please keep us updated. You deserve a normal life and you'll find it soon. :)

Thank you for that Delilah. As I mentioned before, your unwavering support and words of kindness have had a huge impact upon me. You and the great friends I have made here have helped me become stronger, and hopefully better. I still have a ways to go before I feel like I am running on all cylinders. But I couldn't have made it to this point without you assuring me that things can get better.

The kids are doing great. We are having a good summer. We have taken a few short trips and have gotten away from it all for a while... But I miss them terribly when they are not with me. What makes it worse is that this lowlife chump gets the honor of their presence. I need to get over it, however. It's reality and it does me no good to be angry about it. I just keep thinking about how they will be with me 245 days per year! It's not 365 but it is the best I can expect for now.

The final hearing for the divorce will be in early September. The only thing we are working on is the division of assets... I couldn't care less!

I suppose I am going through a common thing after enduring the end of a marriage. I am stuck in a paradox where I am feeling very lonely, yet I am closed off to the idea of meeting someone (or even dating). I can't visualize being special to anyone. It's a confidence thing, or lack thereof. So for the time being I am dealing with the feelings of loneliness and looking at the positive aspects of my life... custody, health, etc... Maybe fate will look my way one more time.

I wish you all the very best, and will check back soon.

It may be difficult now, but your priorities are straight, so just stay the course, and give those kids the best you have.

Warning, There is nothing more attractive on earth, than a good dad, so be careful, you never know who is watching.

She will regret this course of action. You know it is said about affairs and such that you never trade up, you always trade down. She will realize this if she hasn't already.

And I agree, soccer moms will be all over you as they sit there lonely because their husbands are absent. Nothing is sexier than a good dad.

Thanks for keeping us up to date. My thoughts and prayers are with you!! :cool:

Greetings all!

It is done... final... over...

The final hearing was last week and the judge made her rulings. The custody is set. The financial order is done. And that awful chapter of my life has past.

I can't say I am 100% pleased with everything. I don't get to see my children everyday, which is tough. But I did manage to get 65% custody.

I can't believe that the ex had the audacity to show up without a lawyer. She came to the next to last hearing without one and the judge admonished her and highly recommended that she obtain council (even though she had two previous lawyers quit). Instead the ex wrote a letter to the judge saying that she didn't want to get another lawyer because they are only in it for themselves and that my lawyer (and her previous two) were out to get her.
She went on to say how the court system is unjust and impersonal... True or not--you don't say this to a judge who is about to hear your case!

She came to the final hearing pro se, and got slammed. My lawyer was all over her, as well as the judge. I just sat there quietly and watched. The ex actually thought she could go in there and properly be an effective lawyer. Oh well... it's over. And I can honestly say now that I am over her. I don't miss her, and it doesn't bother me anymore that she is with someone else. I look forward to meeting someone else and starting anew.

The best news of all, however, is that I have been waking up with a smile on my face. For the first time in years I feel like I can wake up to a normal day and just feel GOOD. It is a feeling that can easily be taken for granted. I know I did. I took the kids to the fair and there was a lightness in the air. No weight on my shoulders... no monkey on my back. Life is good. I made it past the hard times. I am stronger and better. And I could never have done it without help. Your support was nothing short of heroic. I mean it. Heroes are not just the ones we see on TV saving people from burning buildings. Heroes are also people who will help out total strangers out of compassion. My heroes are right here. THANK YOU

I Hope all is well. Talk to you soon!

Awesome and congratulations. I am sorry you and your family went through this, but a friend of mine who went through this a few years back can now admit, if both are not in it for the long haul it is better to go through the pain and get out of it. She is happy and sees it was a good thing. I think that is all you can hope for.

Here is to many more smiles

The best news of all, however, is that I have been waking up with a smile on my face...


This IS what we all have been waiting for sweet Familyman! Hugs, and this is great news;)
I still don't know how to express my deep respect for how you handled all of this.

You have made my day, and I am so glad for you. Be happy with your kids, and have the good life you so richly deserve.

Your actions make me proud to be a man!

Greetings all!

I've just stopped in to wish all my great cyberpals here a fantastic, peaceful, productive, rewarding new year.

All is going relatively well with me. I'm grateful to have a somewhat normal life now.

And the kids both have had straight A's and perfect attendance.

Be back soon. Until then... take care!