So far you have done what you are suppose to do, now it is HIS turn to get back to bringing home the bacon. I can't stand to stay at home let alone not looking for a job. (I always hear my mom tell my dad "If you quit your job I'm divorcing yo butt and he gets dressed and goes to work. Playing or not they act the situation out.) Im only 27 and I hope that he finds a job for your family. Tell him to get into heating and cooling very HIGH demand for skilled workers.

If you get him to leave who is going to take care of your kids for you? A Nanny? 15, 14 and 8. Who can afford a nanny these days? The teenagers can essentially fend for themselves while you continue to go to school, but the 8 year old cannot. Who is going to supervise him? The Easter Bunny?

Your husband had a job - how did he get to work everyday? A skateboard? What is his excuse for not going and getting a driver's license?

This is just my opinion on the situation. You have essentially domineered him into this present situation and he's happily making the best of it living in the basement swilling his beer.

Why don't you sell the house and move without him? Give him his share of whatever that he is entitled to and tell him to get on down the road.

You seem too obsessed to continue with college thinking that's going to help you get another job. There aren't that many jobs out there as you probably know. The economy is tanking right now and probably won't get any better.

Right now you have a no win situation of essentially your own making.

Domineered him into this situation is a very strong statement...

My husband never drove, he grew up in Manh. We moved to LI and he commuted by train to the city... he can do that again however here are his excuses:

1) He can't see - he has partial vision in one eye -
2) He's too old
3) He'll never make enough money so why should he
4) If he goes to work, I won't get a job
5) who will take care of the kids

At the time he was laid off, I did ask him to go to work and he decided to stay home and I agreed (for a period!) Yes I know the economy is tanking and I also know that my days of making a high salary are nill which is why he needs to make a salary to offset mine. We do NOT live high which is why we've survived as long as we have.. I'm applying for minimal jobs that are positions that I had 20 years ago so I'm back at the bottom of the ladder and prepared to climb once again.

You're right about him taking care of the 8 year old but I think its time the older boys are going to have to help since my husband and I will both be working and you're right we cannot afford $300.0 a week to pay a nanny.. OR if we do split up, they'll have to help there too.

I was hoping for some legal position which could "force" him in to at least LOOK for a job!

As far as my college goes, most people that say "you don't need a degree" are usually the people that have one! Its very difficult to get a decent job without a degree despite my executive status and years of experience. I see getting a degree one step toward changing my future for me and my children.

This is an extremely frustrating position which I guess after reading everyone's responses I'll have to endure for a while longer.. I know there are far more worst situations occurring... I just think its amazing that the state will now allow me any recourse othe than continuing to support him or leave everything behind.

Thank you for your comments.

[QUOTE=gtjmichael]Domineered him into this situation is a very strong statement...

My husband never drove, he grew up in Manh. We moved to LI and he commuted by train to the city... he can do that again however here are his excuses:

1) He can't see - he has partial vision in one eye -
2) He's too old
3) He'll never make enough money so why should he
4) If he goes to work, I won't get a job
5) who will take care of the kids

At the time he was laid off, I did ask him to go to work and he decided to stay home and I agreed (for a period!) Yes I know the economy is tanking and I also know that my days of making a high salary are nill which is why he needs to make a salary to offset mine. We do NOT live high which is why we've survived as long as we have.. I'm applying for minimal jobs that are positions that I had 20 years ago so I'm back at the bottom of the ladder and prepared to climb once again.

You're right about him taking care of the 8 year old but I think its time the older boys are going to have to help since my husband and I will both be working and you're right we cannot afford $300.0 a week to pay a nanny.. OR if we do split up, they'll have to help there too.

I was hoping for some legal position which could "force" him in to at least LOOK for a job!

as far as my college goes, most people that say "you don't need a degree" are usually the people that have one! Its very difficult to get a decent job without a degree despite my executive status and years of experience. I see getting a degree one step toward changing my future for me and my children.

This is an extremely frustrating position which I guess after reading everyone's responses I'll have to endure for a while longer.. I know there are far more worst situations occurring... I just think its amazing that the state will now allow me any recourse othe than continuing to support him or leave everything behind.


Unfortunately, short of suing for divorce and having him ordered to pay maintenance and child support I can't think of anything. You are also "stuck" because he hasn't worked in some time with your consent - and I know the reasons for your consent, I'm just telling you how the Court will look at it.

His reasons for not working pretty much take the "is he depressed" question out of the equation!

Usually, I agree with twinkledooter 100%. Not this time.

I have a long-time friend who worked three minimum wage jobs (two full-time and one part-time) to pay the rent and buy food while her boyfriend sat on the couch and watched TV. He had lost his job and simply could not accept minimum wage. His 'reasons' for not working were exactly the same as your husbands. Except, he didn't say he was too old. He was 20 at the time.

A marriage requires two adults contributing to the work. A marriage with children takes two adults. Your husband is behaving like a little boy. You are behaving like the only adult. Twinkledooter described your situation as one of essentially your own making. You do not tie your husband to his favorite chair to watch TV, and refuse to look for work while you do what you do. But, if his favorite chair is at the cleaners (or simply soaking wet) and the TV and beer missing, you will have his complete attention.

You still love him. But he is behaving like a little boy. Take away his toys and privileges until he shows you and the partnership the respect it deserves. Debt-free, the house paid off? Way to go girl! From looking over the above posts, it doesn't look very hopeful in the divorce department. You need his help and companionship. Get them.

I feel your pain. I'm going through much the same thing. I'm fortunate enough to be working, but I don't want to support him.

Now, for you, see a therapist yourself. There must be a free one you can see. I don't think there are any answers, but you know if you continue to stay married, he will probably never work. Seek another attorney or mediator. Why should your live remain stagnate? The longer you stay married, the harder it will be to get out. It will be hard to leave and be on your own, but essentially you are on your own now.

I've seen both men and women use the depression excuse or diagnosis as a rationale for not changing. I've been depressed, I know it feels horrible. I still have bouts of depression. Nothing works except getting out of your rut - getting exercise, working, moving on with your life. You are not going to be able to help your husband - he doesn't really want help. Well, maybe you'll be able to help. Maybe you'll be luckier than me, I've tried to help for 6 years. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

Keep looking for help. I think you will find the answer.

Working4Ever - Your post is well timed. I have finally confronted him and asked him for a legal separation and we have an apptmnt on Thurs. I've explained that it provides me a sense of proceeding forward in my life and if in a year or two, if we have not made progress toward a better future "together" than he should move on... the separation provides me a legal doc. Stating that he is living downstairs in a "separate" apt, which it is.

Since I told him I do feel like I've made a step from being stagnate and frustrated from being in a situation that I had no recourse.. which is what I have been feeling. His biggest concern is that I'll have him locked up for child support.. which of course is crazy since he doesn't have anything! The mediator believes we can address something in the doc. To relieve his fears..

So, now my next challenge is actually GETTING him in to the mediators office!

This may not be the final solution but at least for now I feel like I have some room to move out from under his oppression and control. The kids won't be affected since he's been living downstairs for over a year so to them all is as usual however for me, I can finally see some light.

One step at a time! I agree I need to see a therapist to help me find why I'm having a difficult time getting a job!

Thanks, again!
MM

You need to redo your resume and stress your positive job skills and attributes and go after jobs that are more in your usual field. I am sure you have gone after jobs that you would be a good fit with. Have more of a positive attitude when you go on job interviews. Leave your negativity on the street outside the job interview. It only takes one good job interview to be hired. You are obviously doing something wrong that you are not getting hired. How would you like to try and get a job where I live being 60 years old (and all the male employers want young eye candy) and a very bad job market with no jobs around at all? I got a job in a different area of industry than I had ever worked in. It only took me 4 months.

If I can do it, you can surely do it as well living in an area with a large population that has lots of jobs to be had. You need to change your attitude about having a difficult time getting a job. Think positive thoughts and banish the negative thoughts and the job will come to you.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by gtjmichael

working4ever - your post is well timed. I have finally confronted him and asked him for a legal separation and we have an apptmnt on thurs. I've explained that it provides me a sense of proceeding forward in my life and if in a year or two, if we have not made progress toward a better future "together" than he should move on...the separation provides me a legal doc. Stating that he is living downstairs in a "separate" apt, which it is.

Since i told him i do feel like i've made a step from being stagnate and frustrated from being in a situation that i had no recourse..which is what i have been feeling. His biggest concern is that i'll have him locked up for child support..which of course is crazy since he doesn't have anything! The mediator believes we can address something in the doc. To relieve his fears..

So, now my next challenge is actually getting him in to the mediators office!

This may not be the final solution but at least for now i feel like i have some room to move out from under his oppression and control. The kids won't be affected since he's been living downstairs for over a year so to them all is as usual however for me, i can finally see some light.

One step at a time! I agree i need to see a therapist to help me find why i'm having a difficult time getting a job!

Thanks, again!
Mm

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Please update what has happened by October 2012. (my guess would be that by now you are divorced from him)