Hi hon...
Look, I'm 20 years old. I got married at 19. My marriage is also falling apart (after almost a year 1/2). My husband used to blame my temper for it and I willingly went and got rape counseling (another story) because I wanted to improve my behavior and help our marriage. Since I've talked to my counselors about what happened a few years ago and dealt with that shadow my temper is gone and I'm back to the way I felt before that happened (aside from marriage issues). I took care of the one thing he always blamed our problems on. He even admits that he can see that I've come so far so quick with it. You know what keeps happening though? The things he would say and do (I'm not talking stuff like leaving socks on the floor or forgetting to call) that frustrated me so much in the first place to the point I chose not to focus on controlling my temper (I would throw my phone, book, pillow I was holding and then leave the room and I've slapped him twice). Technically I was being abusive when I would do that. I don't hide it nor deny it. It was my choice to let myself get like that. But on the flip side, just because I chose to do that doesn't justify how he behaves and vice versa if the behavior is abusive. My husband is emotionally abusive. He doesn't want to see it and always claims that he doesn't have any problems. Or if I go to leave he'll beg and say how sorry he is. But he still doesn't get help nor put into practice what I literally beg him to do. Right now I'm going through trying to decide how long I should wait around for him to step out of denial. The longer I wait without him changing for himself and our marriage the further into denial I go.
There's a difference between him and I. We've both been abusive. But I chose to accept that I had been and do what it took to figure out how to change it and follow through. He is stuck on the fact that he thinks he would never be abusive to even just see what he's doing unless he's wanting something from me like not leaving him (which isn't really seeing that's manipulating- abuse). I'm telling you as someone that had serious issues that came out in anger: don't believe him until he actually takes care of the problem. If he's like that when he drinks (woo hoo my mother in law) then he shouldn't drink plain and simple. As just hinted my mother in law gets violent when she drinks. She admits she has a problem, but she hasn't taken care of it. She uses it as a crutch to get by without dealing with life and her family enables it.
Physical abuse is the most obvious abuse. It leaves broken objects and bruises. I don't care how drunk he is: physically harming anything is wrong. If he really cared about the fact that he's being abusive rather than his own pride he would take care of it. When I was throwing objects as I stormed out of the room I kept thinking what am I doing? How do I stop this? I looked into it and took care of it because I could see it was wrong and that it needed to stop. It took me a couple weeks alone to process that I had been abusive when I started looking into it. I'd always just thought of it as a hormonal or emotional thing affecting my temper. No. Being abusive and letting go of control is a choice. And if that choice gets made with impairment the drug should be completely removed. If he doesn't make the choice to get help and change you can't make him.
I know how hard it is to want it so badly for someone to see what they're doing you'll beg, come back, give them a million and one "second chances" - the whole time hoping this time you'll get through to them. I'm trying to stop doing that with my own husband at this very moment because he doesn't want to change. But you know what? You're using his behavior as a crutch to not move on with your own life. You're 19 for heaven's sakes! I'm only a year older than you and I'm still just like 19?! Honey, we both have our whole lives ahead of us. The fact alone that you even posted shows that you want to leave for good but you're still hoping for someone to tell you how to finally get him to just see and change. The fact that I'm even looking at this says the same about me ;).
Trying to change someone for ourselves is so disrespectful to them. It's obvious he has problems that he should change for himself. And if he can't change them for himself he won't change them for you. That's just the cold hard truth. My husband will not change for me, he's made it very clear. That is who he has decided to be. I need to finish telling my emotions to be respectful of who he is and let him chose who he is going to be. That doesn't mean I have to spend my life around it though. No one HAS to put up with being abused. I don't care what faith you follow, your age, gender, whatever! NO ONE DESERVES ABUSE! If you really love him let him make his decision about who he is going to be and leave him to it. The best way you can help him is to end it. He doesn't care about you, he cares about having control of you. That's what causes anger. The feeling of not being in control of your life and situations. He's addicted to needing to feel control whether it "only" happens when he drinks or not. I know it hurts to hear that and it'll hurt more when you realize it. But, sadly, that's reality. He's not going to pull some magical Disney transformation and change. If he wanted to he would have already. Nothing you can do anymore will help other than leaving him. You deserve a better life.
