Hello. This is my first time posting here. I am looking for some opinions from people other than family members regarding this situation:

My husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer 3 years ago and was not given long to live. At that time, his family called, sent cards but nothing more than that. He has a mother, 2 sisters and a father as well as many aunts, uncles and cousins.

In the past 3 years he has gone through numerous treatments and surgeries. His father has seen him once, one of his sisters - 0 and the other sister 1 or 2 times. His mother has seen him maybe a handful of times, even though she has visited the area numerous amounts of times.

About a month ago - my husband was told that he had only a few weeks to a couple of months to live. His mother happened to be in the area and we met on conveyed the information as well as my husbands last requests.

I am concerned that when he passes - that at the wake - his family will become the grieving spectacle that you only see on TV.

At the time of this meeting - we spoke about visiting and spending time with my husband. From that point, she never came to see him again and has called twice. His one sister offered to come visit - as if she was doing us a favor - this is the one that has not come to see him in 3 years.

The other sister - well my husband was told 3 years ago that he had 6 months to live if the chemo didn't work wedding date after we got the news for the same time frame. Not earlier so her brother could be there - :eek:
She just sent us an email asking us when we go away on vacation to the beach so she could come see us.

Is she kidding - my vacation with my husband and oh - yeah - we have 2 sons ages 6 and 4 - and she wants to invite herself on our vacation?? That is not a vacation!!

I wrote her an email back pretty much saying that if she wants to visit her brother she can do it at any time but not when we are having time together. Besides the fact that we do not know if he is even going to be alive at that time!!

Ok - thank you for letting me vent - please feel free to ask me questions or make comments!!

My question is - what would you do in this situation?

WOW - I left everyone speachless! :( :eek: :mad: :o

Family can be hard and cruel and often don't know what to say and will even avoid a dying person, since they don't know what to say or do and think they have to say or do something, not just be there.

Other times they don't want to deal or talk about death. My one son has never spoken about his mothers death, did not go to her funeral, did not go to his grandfathers funeral and will not really even talk about any of it still to this day.

You spend the time with him the best you can, and remember him when he is gone. And let them be jerks if they wish, that is their right to do so too.

I can agree with the above and add: Who really knows how to deal with death?

While you see this time as a time to be with your husband, experiencing every second of his life until the end, his family just doesnt feel the same. I really think this is a normal reaction in a way. We as people are so desensitized by TV to the reality and emotional stress of death, we tend to ignore it. For you it is in your face reality every day 24/7. For them, they are family outside of the home. How often did they visit when he was healthy? I would expect no more than that amount of visiting now compared to then.
I think they all have deep sympathy for you, have sadness, and feel bad for your husband and you. But they have their own lives, their own families to care for, and if its not in their face, they just can't connect with it.
I think you have the right to be a little angry with them not meeting your expectations, but maybe you need to look at where you are coming from mentally on this one. You are sad and angry your husband is dying. you have no control over this horrible drawn out event. He suffers, you watch and suffer beside him. You want to yell and scream and blame something for this unfair event. So you take what amounts to be a slight anger and you push more into it.
You make it the focus of your anger.
Do you really care if they do or dont come by? If they were so close to you and your husband, they would be there.
A solution maybe, invite them to a party they can all attend to. If you can, help them get there to you if they live far away. Explain to each person how very important this is to your husband. He wants to say goodbye and know that they care and love him. Tell them how it hurts you to watch them not come. Do not only express your anger here. You have other more important feelings to show now.
When in any situation, be compassionate and loving. Only love and understanding will change the world.

i am so sorry for your loss. If it makes any difference, I would come to visit your husband and you right now if I could. Not because I know you, but to see in real life the living embodiment of true love. You care so deeply for him and you hurt. Know that it is understood and respected by many that read this cry for understanding. In the end, he and you can truly say you loved and were loved in return.

Hypatia

Hi, Mcat,
I am sorry to hear about your husband. My wife had tongue cancer, small cancerous nodule, near base of tongue. She went through chemo and radiation treatments in 2004, and had other breathing problems with her lungs as a result. I retired in 2005, to stay home and take care of her. We are so blessed that she is now "cancer free". We also attended some Group Support meetings, and they did help when we first going through this.
With that said, families can be something else! It wasn't "family" who offered to help me with my wife, since I became the sole "primary care giver". It was friends; very good friends.
Your other answers are very good. I would like to add that good friends don't always take things for granted, like some families do.
When the time comes, I do hope it doesn't turn into a "spectacle", as you describe. But for the meatime, there is NO reason you can't take some time off, a vacation, just for you and him, and your sons together; no one else.
It's not inappropriate for you to just say "no", I'm sorry, but this is our time together; and leave it at that.
I do wish you the best, and hope you can have the time by yourselves.

Thank you to everyone for their responses. Those are the thoughts I was looking for! Thanks for offering to come see him - he might like that.

His family was never around before he got sick. I think it annoys me because my family is so supportive. As a parent - I can't imagine not rushing to spend time with my child. But that is me, I rush to help anyone - just like my husband.

He had chemo yesterday and was in a bad way last night. He is still sleeping!

Please keep posting - they are helping me clear my head of bad thoughts!! :cool:

Without getting into the details, we've experienced a similar situation. I started to explain it, but id just rather not air out all the noise here.

I guess you just cannot get into the heads of all the family. Some may be greiving silently at a distance, some might be in denial. If he passes and there is a big production at the wake, I guess try not to let it get to you too much... not all families function the same, and their greiving may be more than for show, however misguided their actions are now.

Most people have good intentions in general, but most also have selfish reasons backing up their actions, myself included... chances are they are just misguided and not intending to hurt him or frustrate you. I know its driving you mad. You know he deserves better.

You just cannot fix this situation. Don't spend too much energy on it. Enjoy the time with your husband, and try to let them go their way. Vent here and to others if you need to.

The dumb things we do in our life are hopefully outweighed and outlasted by the good. Sounds like you are doing a lot of good.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kp2171

without getting into the details, weve experienced a similar situation. i started to explain it, but id just rather not air out all the noise here.

i guess you just cannot get into the heads of all the family. some may be greiving silently at a distance, some might be in denial. if he passes and there is a big production at the wake, i guess try not to let it get to you too much... not all families function the same, and their greiving may be more than for show, however misguided their actions are now.

most people have good intentions in general, but most also have selfish reasons backing up their actions, myself included... chances are they are just misguided and not intending to hurt him or frustrate you. i know its driving you mad. you know he deserves better.

you just cannot fix this situation. dont spend too much energy on it. enjoy the time with your husband, and try to let them go their way. vent here and to others if you need to.

the dumb things we do in our life are hopefully outweighed and outlasted by the good. sounds like you are doing a lot of good.

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Thank you - you do seem to understand what I am going through!

Mary

Dear Mary,
There's hardly anything to add,after the wise and sensitive posts above.
I'd like to add one or two more things:
It might so happen, that his family tries to deny the whole thing - as kp2171 pointed out -his parents, or his mother, at least (and I see this through a mother's eyes). It might be unbearable for his parents. In this way, they push it away. When the terrible day comes, it will be very difficult for them to face the reality of the loss, and THEN, they will for sure feel a lot of grief not only because of their loss, but also because of these last memories of him, which they won't have.
It might very well happen that they don't wish to see him now, when he obviously looks rather bad, they might prefer to remember him as he was all his life. When my mother died (of cancer) she didn't want any of her friends to come to the hospital - she said she didn't want them to remember her the way she looked at the end.
When someone dear dies, one of the most normal feelings we have is anger - sometimes even towards the dying person. There's a very good book which deals with the whole thing: "Of Death and Dying" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.
I'm not trying to make them "look better", and I understand perfectly well what you're going through, I only tried to make it a little easier for you - after all, you have enough to deal with, especially emotionally.
We can't choose our family, but we can choose our friends, and the people who are important to you and your family, are those who've always been around, in good days and in bad. They will also be the persons to provide the support you'll need.
"A friend in need is a friend indeed " is not an empty phrase, and I think that all the people here, on the board, will always give you the needed support .
Write us, and use your strength wisely.
Millie
(whose heart and thoughts are with you)

Those are great thoughts, however, he doesn't look any different - just thinner.

My dad just died in February after an 8 month battle. Unfortunelty, I know first hand about death and dying - plus my husbands 3 year illness.

You have all hit the nail on the head with the definition of friends. Thank god that we have all the friends in the world - they have been fabulous. They drop everything and run - unlike his family.

My main concern now is what Millie said about his family and grief. I have a feeling that they are going to play the faithful, caring family that they are not.

Anyone have any suggetions on what do to when they "play it up"?

I will agree, having dealt with so much death, I often talk a little too plain since it is just an event that will happen to all of us.

But even as a minister I don't know what to say, since there is nothing I can say that can make anyone feel better. Each person has to deal with their death and the death of another their own way.

And even I had a tough time dealing, my best friend died on the day I was told my dad had 3 days to live. I could not even go to my friends funeral since I had to travel to be with my dad. I did not realise it, till latter but I took a couple of months to get over it and I am suppose to be "trained" to deal with these things.

I took some time off prior to and after my dad's death but then went back to work - however, I am unable to go back since this latest news. I just can't seem to do it. After taking care of him at night - I can't get up in the morning and go.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mcat14

My main concern now is what Millie said about his family and grief. I have a feeling that they are going to play the faithful, caring family that they are not.

Anyone have any suggetions on what do to when they "play it up"?

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I have a bad habit of saying harsh things when they need to be said. Not mean things or spiteful things for no good reason. Not to my wife or my daughter. But when I see others behaving in a bad way, especially when it comes to morality or general kindness... I don't pull punches when I think someone is really out of line.

Sometimes, maybe more often than not, I tend to regret it... even when I am "right"

There's two ways to go here. You can call them on this behavior if it occurs or you can bite your tongue until it bleeds. Though I think you've been doing the latter already.

My inclination is to do your best to let things pass... even the ridiculous behavior that may be to come. It will all be in the past soon enough.

If you really think that you cannot let this go, perhaps it is better to let the family have it now... when modifying their behaviour might do some good.

I don't know.

No matter what you do... in the end you are going to have to come to peace with only one thing... did you do right by your husband, your vows, and yourself. You know the answer is yes.

Everything else is just noise. Everything else will come and go.

We have met with his mother and went over our expectations for the wake and funeral and I know that all of her answers were BS - I will see how his family acts. I am also not one to hold back my thoughts and I have towards his family since they are his family. HOEVER - when he dies, they are no longer my family and I believe I can say what I want.

Hi, mcat,
I am glad about the meeting with his mother. That is a step that is now over. It might be best to hold back your feelings, don't let things upset you. It's going to be "tough enough" without having to deal with "not liking" others at this point.
Take it just one day at a time. Whatever happens afterwards is up to you. Don't even think about it now... it will only add to your thoughts, which for now, should be thinking about other things.
Best wishes.

I would really like to thank everyone for their great advise and support!!

Being able to talk it out with all of you have been very helpful!

I have kept my mouth shut for the most part in this relationship with his family. I am vowed not to let them grandstand at the wake or funeral. That time will be about his life and immediate family.

My sons are dealling with this and they are the ones that I will be focused on. They are very much in tune with what is going on. Our youngest son will be 5 tomorrow and has been talking to his teachers about his daddy being sick. He only know his father being sick, he was only 1 when this first happened!! :confused:

We went to the doctor today and we are going to be stopping the chemo and has become severely depressed.

I'm so sad to hear about that.
I just wish to reinforce you, because you're going to need so much strength right now.
My warmest hug to you,
Millie

Thank you Millie!

Dear mcat,
I have been slow to share here because I just went through the same thing with a friend of mine and the pain was still so fresh... his girlfriend died of cancer and in the final days her family was so terrible to them both.

I don't know what to say other than we all tried to help Don be the loving, caring, supportive partner to Carolyn and her family he so very much wanted to be. And he did a lot of what you already suggested to yourself, i.e.. "i will deal with that later".

It was hard. Don has many friends and so all the love was channeled as best we all knew how. Sometimes we had to remind him to focus on her and not the family. And again too.

I got a nearly daily call from him as I know he did with some other friends. In the end, he was exactly that - the loving man we all know him to be.

Might you have that kind of support amongst your family and friends? You sound sweet enough that you might and in which case, HANG ON TO THEM!

My condolences to you.