Hello all,
My aunt was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer last Novemeber. It is already spread throughout her body. I am used to seeing her this strong person, but now she is so weak. I can't really talk to anyone else about this because they are all avoiding it. I don't think that she is getting any better and it kills me to see her like this. She is my aunt, my favorite aunt and I don't know if I am strong enough to deal with this. Also it scares me because my son who is two is really close to her, and I don't know how to explain what is going on with her to him... he knows something is going on? Any advice?:confused:

robertsqueen, I am so sorry for the pain and confusion you are in and I am so sorry your Aunt is going through is. Cancer of any kind is a horrendous disease. I have been through it with family and friends, more times than I care to think about. So, I understand completely what you are going through and what your Aunt is going through. I don't intend this to be blunt but there is no other way around this. You are saying that she doesn't seem to be getting better. She will not get better. Stage 4 lung cancer that has metastasized to the rest of her body means she is dying. Since she has been going through this since November, it can be a matter of a month or two, weeks, or days. I am very sorry.

It is a shame that your family refuses to talk about it. Unfortunately, everyone handles death and dying differently. Even though it would give you great comfort to discuss it, it obviously is very painful to the other family members.

A two year old may know something is going on but he is too young to understand the concept of this kind of illness and dying in general. They haven't gotten past the ego stage yet. Meaning, he is only really aware of himself at this age. Everything is about him. He hasn't started really grasping the concepts of right and wrong and does not have the ability to intellectualized and make the connections in a conscious way. He is just understanding what a boo boo and an ouchie is for himself. This is way too overwhelming for his little mind to grasp now.

Just tell him Aunt ___ doesn't feel good and gets tired very quickly. And, just let it go at that. There isn't any need to get into details with him. Change the subject to something else. Two year olds don't dwell on things and will easily participate in whatever conversations you choose to have with him. You are his whole world and you are in complete control of it. When he is older, and he is able to grasp the concept of dying and death properly, you can explain it to him then. As a matter of fact, this is an excellent way of continuing your bond with him by explaining these things to him later along with talking about your aunt. I personally feel the way we honor those we love is to talk about the fond memories and funny stories. That is how they remain "alive" to us. Their memory lives on in us.

Regarding your coping with this, it is a little more difficult. As I said, we all handle this differently. What your Aunt really needs now is for you to visit and just talk about anything but her disease, unless she tells you she wants to talk about it. Be there for her as much as possible. This is an opportunity for you to let her know how much she has meant to you throughout your life and how much you love her. Give her a reason to look forward to your visits and a break from worrying about her impending passing. She wants someone to take her mind off it, even for a little while. Talk about the great fun you had with her. Remind her about any stories you can remember that will make her happy. Let her escape her disease with you (mentally) for a little while by talking of other things, current events, anything that she is interested in. Talk about her hobbies or past passions. It will give her so much comfort, and believe me, you will be thankful you did this later on down the road.

I don't know the entire situation and who is taking care of her, but if it is a family member, "babysit" your aunt. Give that family member a break to go shopping or take a long rest for the day. People forget that this takes such a major emotional and physical toll on the caregiver. They need some support too.

I hope this helped a bit. Again, I am so sorry about this situation.

Rubypitbull, Thank you so much for the insight. I am so glad that someone other than myself doesn't want to talk to my son about it. My husband does. Also it is very hard, and when I see her I don't talk about the cancer, I just let her know how much I love her and what a big inspiratuion she is in my life. Thank you agiain for the comforting words.

You are welcome robertsqueen. Anytime you are feeling sad about this, just post back on the boards here. I may be away for a number of days, but I will receive the update and eventually get back to you. Sometimes it just helps to be able to write everything down that you are feeling when you go through this kind of thing.

You are handling your Aunt the right way. She doesn't want to talk about her cancer. She loves you and I cannot stress enough how much it helps her telling her how you feel about her. In the end, that is all we truly want to know... how much of a positive impact we have had on someone's life that we care about. It is such a comfort to know that at the end of your life, you have done some very good things with that life.

Regarding your husband, tell him what I have suggested here. In addition, tell him that your son is just too young to empathize with your Aunt's situation and it would be placing too heavy a burden on his little shoulders. Empathy is an emotion that develops later on with cognitive understanding. It could scare him unnecessarily and do some emotional damage if he tries to force him to understand what is going on now. Also, your Aunt wants to see your happy little boy, not a little boy who will cry and get scared when he sees her, which is what will happen if your husband pushes this too much. I know your husband wants to do the right thing, but he really needs to understand that his son is not a "little man" and is just not old enough to connect all the dots yet. :)

I have good news. The cancer is starting to shrink... is that a good sign?

Yes, of course it is a good sign. I don't know what kind of treatment she is getting and I don't know if they have come up with any new treatments for lung cancer in the past couple of years. But, if she is getting the normal chemo and radiation, then her body is responding to it. For now. It means, if nothing else, it will buy her some extra time. Honey, please don't misunderstand me. I truly hope and pray there is a miracle here. I just want you to be aware of the fact that this happens quite often in cancer patients. Once the treatment stops, and it has to, because a body cannot take that kind of abuse for long, there is a relatively good chance the cancer can come back even stronger. I am not saying it will, but in most stage 4 patients, it does. I just think it is important that you know the facts.

By the way, the radiation is what really saps the strength terribly and is the cause of her being so weak and tired. It does shrink the primary tumor, it doesn't not take care of the metastases in the rest of her body. That is what the chemo is expected to work on in addition to the primary site. But, you can pray and think positive thoughts. I don't know how old your Aunt is and if she is a fighter, there is always a chance. Hope and faith is all we have.

The radiation didn't work for her, but the chemo is... how is that possible. Also she has cancer in her brain.. what does that mean? They tell me all this techincal term, and I don't understand it... so it helps to have someone explain it, so thank you so much for taking time out and helping me through this.

robertsqueen, I wrote a long and complicated response and lost it all before I could post! It is getting a little late and my eyes are crossing a bit. I will post back in the morning. In the meantime, I want you to look at these links on books. You may find it helpful to go to your local Barnes & Nobles or Borders bookstores. Any of the large bookstores will have a huge section with books on Cancer. Buy a cup of coffee and choose a few that look promising. Sit down and just look through them. Here are two suggestions for you:

Amazon.com: What Is Cancer Anyway?: Explaining Cancer to Children of All Ages: Books: Karen L. Carney

In my opinion, this book is THE BEST. There is a large chapter on lung cancer.
Amazon.com: The Complete Cancer Survival Guide: Everything You Must Know and Where to go For State-Of-The-Art Treatment of the 25 Most Common Forms of Cancer.: Books: Peter Teeley,Philip Bashe

First of all, I want to say that I truly feel for you. I lost my father-in-law to lung cancer in December, 2002 and my husband to gastric cancer a month later, so I have a sense of what you are going through.

I think that each case of cancer is as different as the people who have it. Both my fil and my hubby had a strong need to talk about their illness. They wanted to be treated as 'normal' as possible. In fact, my husband used to say that he'd know when he was dying because that would be when I stopped growling at him! He so much needed to talk to people, but most of the family couldn't listen or talk about it, and instead they treated him like he was a baby. What is it that causes people to talk baby talk or yell as if people with cancer have lost their minds or at the very least their hearing??

We all (my fil, my husband and I) promised each other that we would only speak the truth, that there would be no secrets and that we would be open and honest with each other the entire way through. I kept that promise and it really helped them near the end. However, some people can't deal with that. In your original post you said "I am used to seeing her this strong person, but now she is so weak." Remember, her body may be frail, but the strong person probably still resides within.

My husband weighed over 240 lbs before he got sick. I hid the scales when he had lost 100 lbs. because it depressed him so much. Our adopted daughter was 11 when he became ill. We had 4 young grandchildren, 10, 7, 7 and almost 4. We were concerned that the kids would hear people talking about my husband's illness, so we were honest right from the start. We told them that Papa was very ill with cancer and he wasn't going to live as long as a healthy person.

I think our openness helped the kids. They were able to express their fears and ask lots of questions. Unfortunately, their dad kept them away from it a lot and when they did see their Papa the changes in him terrified them. I also babysat a 3 year old and a five year old throughout the ordeal. They often came with us for blood tests, etc. They, too, asked lots of wonderful questions and they were handled honestly and in as much detail as would satisfy their curiosity. Their parents later told me that they were so very thankful that we were able to be so open with the kids. The three year old lost his grandfather about a year prior, and the 5 year old lost his grandmother only a month or so after my husband passed away.

I don't quite agree with RubyPitbull about what to tell your son. I don't know if your two year old will understand, but he is really going to worry about getting sick if he sees her slowly wasting away and especially when she passes away! I don't think that a 2 year old needs lots of details, but I do think the word cancer should be used and he should be told that it's a serious illness and sometimes people with cancer don't get better. I also think he needs to know that he won't catch it.

However, you and your husband need to discuss all the possible things to tell him and agree on what you will say to him both now, and after she passes away. He will hear, see and feel your grief and if he only has been told that she was sick what thoughts will that leave him with??

I would ask your Aunt if there is anything you could do for her that will help her through this. Could you write letters to her friends for her? Is there anyone she would like you to call? Has she lost her hair? Would she like some nice new bright, colourful kerchiefs for her head? Would she like to talk about her illness, or would she prefer to forget about it?

If she is in stage 4 and the cancer has spread to her brain she might be having a lot of trouble remembering things or people. Maybe you could take photos of places or people that she loves and print them out with your computer printer and put them around her room with people's names and their relationship to her, or what this place is and some memory about it. She may hallucinate. If the hallucinations are scary ones, bring her memories to a better place. For instance if she is warm she may all of a sudden fear she is on fire. You can say, "No, Auntie, that's the warm sun beating down upon us as we sit in the backyard with a cool drink. See, look at the beautiful flowers in the garden!" Don't be afraid to laugh at and with her!

This will be a very trying time for all involved. You will need to feel supported by your husband and you will need an outlet for your emotions. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need, too. It's NOT selfish!

As RubyPitbull said, this can be a very difficult and wearing time for her primary caregivers. If you are able be supportive to them and yes, encourage them to get out for a bit, if only for a walk with you while your hubby and child spend some time visiting Auntie. Encourage your son to draw her pictures. Maybe she can draw with him? These too can be posted on the wall.

These are just the things that came to my mind when I read your post. My husband died early Sunday morning. He had been in a coma for several days, but when my daughter showed up with our grandkids on Friday night he snapped right out of it. He sucked on lollipops with the 3 year old and even got silly with him. After he died, my grandson climbed up on the cot with him and turned on the TV. We asked what he was doing and he said, "Watching cartoons with Papa before he goes." We didn't stop him... and now, at 8 years he still talks of what a wonderful time he had with his Papa the day he died.

Warm hugs to you. I know this will be hard. Just try to be good to yourself, too.

Love, Didi

PS... I am also available if you need someone to talk to. You can click on my name at the left and send me a private message or post here. Let everyone who is strong enough help hold you up.

Hugs, Didi

Thank you so much Didi and Ruby... I do think that my son knows something is going on becusse he is having a terrible time sleeping, and he wakes up screaming. What hurts me the most is knowing that he probably won't get to know her and the wonderful person she is... He will forget her, and even if I talk about her it won't be the same. It feels like everyday my heart is breaking more and more. I am just scared I have never had anyone close to me die or even be this sick.. and I am so angry... so angry... but I hide it not to upset others. Sorry I didn't mean to go on and on,

Death is the natural of all human life. You won't ever get completely over it though. Just pray and love her for her last moments because if you don't you'll have wished you did.
I'm so sorry for you. God bless you and your aunt. God will make everything all right he always does.

You may always send a privite messages to me, I understand human emotional pain and frustration.

From a helping friend,
Kriscool

Oh, heavens! Sweetie, you are not going on and on! This is a tough thing! You are trying to be strong, but maybe others are feeling the same way! Of course you are angry. That's a normal feeling and it will probably come and go for a long time to come.

Maybe your son is just picking up on your sadness and fears? What if you just lay down with him and say, "Oh, honey, something is bothering you. Are you worrying about something?" and/or even "You know, sweetie, mommy has been upset about Auntie lately. Is that making you feel upset?"? Of course he needs lots of reassurance right now, too... lots and lots of hugs and cuddles and "I love you's" will help a lot.

You know, he can know her and what a wonderful person she is. You can help that! Talk about her. Tell him about her, show him pictures before she was sick if you have them. Take him to visit with her, and talk about all the wonderful things she has done with them both! Write about her... just pick up a pen and start writing to your son all about your aunt... every single thing you can remember... why she is so special to you. Then, you can read it to him (and her!) and keep her memory alive forever.

Don't be afraid to take photos of her in her illness... they are all memories, and it will be the way he remembers her. Some of the photos I have of my husband during his illness make me cry... but it's a healing cry... they are memories. Photos of my grandson less than 48 hours before my husband died laying down with him and the two of them sucking on those lollipops!

Talk to anyone and everyone who will listen... and even those who don't! Talking is so healing. Of course you are scared and angry. You have no idea what to expect. You are trying to hold all your emotions inside! Let it all out in any way that you can. Write, cry, sing, relate stories, talk to yourself, talk to and cry with your husband, talk to or cry with your son! It really is okay to cry! Use this forum and write whatever you feel. It really is okay.

Do you have a close friend or someone outside of family that you can talk to? What about your family doctor or a minister? I used email to express my feelings. Do whatever you need to do.

I am here if you need me.

Hugs, Didi

Hello Robertsqueen.

I lost my father to lung cancer which spread to his brain, he was 57. We didn't know he had it until a month before he passed away and had he been diagnosed earlier he would have had treatment. In fact he started to rally and chemo and radiotherapy were offered to him.
I can remember seeing that weakness in him which you describe and even as I type this it is making me cry so please don't stop using this place as a home for your emotions. I've only just found it as I wanted some help for a gallbladder problem but I'm finding it very cathartic.

When my father died, my daughter was six and a half and my son was three. My children were a little older than your little man but maybe I could tell you how they reacted and it might help you to talk with your son?
We only had a month and so at first it was total shock and I bet it still is for you? My daughter was scared she could contract the cancer and I did not understand this fully until after my father had died. You think you've explained something well when actually you have not! My son wanted to see his grampy all the time and that included the day before he died. I had told the children that gramps did not look like gramps anymore because in my view he looked like a shell of the man I knew. My son went and sat on his gramp's bed kissed his sleeping head and said to me "What on earth are you talking about, Grampy looks exactly like grampy!" There's nothing like a child to bring you back to earth is there? I worried a lot about what I was going to say and in the end I should not have worried because there was nothing to worry about. Children handle the dying process and passing away so much better than we adults do.

A grandfather is a differing relationship to an aunt but you have a very close relationship with you're her. I have an aunt like that, she's more like my big sister than my auntie. I love her to pieces and I can't imagine how I would feel in your shoes I must commend you because you are coping amazingly well. I absolutely agree 100% with other posters that you must continue to talk and ask questions. Repeating it so that you hear it from another person who has felt the pain of losing a loved one to cancer.
I remember the fear I had all of the time because I did not know what was going to happen next and you're probably feeling the same? The worst part of this cancer was when it affected my father's brain. He was himself sometimes and then at other times he became this different person. It explained the weird mood swings from previous months which my mother had put up with but at that time it become terrible and he became aggressive towards the hospital staff.

I'm here in spirit for you and I hope it helps to know that another person somewhere in the world is thinking about you.
I would also like to say that you do not have to keep strong and you can have a good cry when you need too. It is important to let out your emotions and not bottle them up secondly make sure you have lots of hugs with whoever is willing to give or receive them. Human compassion is vital at this time as it will make you feel much better. I bet your son is a great asset in this department! My son is still a cuddler but my daughter is growing out of it and that's depressing. (oh dear) Do not worry too much about your son. He will be fine and remember it's us parents who worry too much sometimes. It's been over 8 years since my dad passed away and one of them will say "I miss gramps" and then that will be it. Sometimes we will talk a little and other times that's all that is needed. You sound like a fabulous mother so I say keep doing what you are doing. Maybe I've said something which might help you with your son or maybe not? I don't think you need any help to be honest, I'm just letting you know what I did with my kidlets because actually I spent so much time worrying about how they would feel when actually they were OK and it was me who was hurting and I should had spent more time on looking after me, hence why I said make sure you get lets of hugs! Lol

If I can help in any way then please ask. I sadly know how this cancer works and wish I didn't.

Sending hugs.

Well, robertsqueen! I think you are finding that this forum is a great support system. So, you have a number of people here who are willing to help you and talk you through this. It always helps to know that someone is willing to listen. I wish I had this outlet when I was going through it. Family and friends drove me crazy and most were not as compassionate as I needed them to be because they were going through their own confusion over the diseases. I paid a therapist to listen to me and help me find my way.

The bottom line is, we each have been through this and it has affected us in some ways the same, in some ways differently. It is the same with each person who is actually going through the process. My late husband didn't want to talk about it with anyone but me and the doctors. He was stoic to the end. He adopted the attitude that he wasn't going to let it get him down or beat him. He fought it until the end. My father was different. He was scared and let everyone know it. My grandmother, didn't quite understand what was happening. She was an immigrant to this country and although not without smarts, did not have the benefit of an education and couldn't grasp what was happening. My Aunt, told me that it was time, she was tired and had lived long enough. She made the decision she didn't want to go into the hospital again and turned away treatment, choosing to die on her own terms. My Uncle's was diagnosed too late and the breakdown was so rapid that he passed into a coma before we had a chance to talk about anything.

Our 3 year old niece came to visit and my husband didn't want us to get into anything too heavy with her. She just enjoyed the visit. She knew he was sick but that is all. She didn't ask questions. So, as with us, kids are different. I think Grammadidi might have hit on something with the possibility that your son is reacting to your emotions. Although she and I don't quite see eye to eye on the explanation to children, that is okay. Your son may benefit from her suggestions, and you won't know until you try. I personally believe there is a tremendous difference between a 2 year old's and a 3 year's old's grasp on the world around us. It may only be a year but a 3 year old becomes aware of things outside of their own world and is processing the differences between right and wrong and have entered the stages of cognitive thinking. In any event, take a look at those two books I suggested. One is for children and received high marks in the reviews. It may prove me wrong. The other is the book I used to understand fully what was happening. It is written for people like us that want to sift through the medical jargon and be able to speak about the illness with the doctors. It is the most thorough of all the books I read. You will get a really good explanation of what it is going on from beginning to end. It allowed me to speak intelligently with all the doctors and manage my loved ones' healthcare. It kept me focused when I really needed to be, and helped me make everyone as comfortable and out of pain as much possible through to the end.

Anger is a big part of the mix. So is denial. Expect your emotions to run the gamut. I have found for me, that it is hard to be compassionate with others going through this, at times. It brings back such emotions for me that it throws me into a depression. So, I have a tendency to separate myself and to be more clinical at times. It is my own coping mechanism.

So, honey, just keep coming back to the boards here. Don't think you are running on and be embarrassed. We have all been there and we don't view your postings as running on. We will all help you through this as best as each of us can.

robertsqueen, I had cancer twice and I've been through the chemo and the radiation. If there are questions that you want to ask you can ask me. I'm not shy about talking about the cancer experiences that I had. People automatically go cancer = death. No it does not have to be that way. I won't lie to you, brain tumors don't have a terrific success rate. It is getting better with each passing year as technology progresses. You said that the tumor is responding to the chemo and that is great news. She sounds like a fighter and you have to be. Don't treat her like an invalid though. If she is having a rough day then sit and chat or watch a movie together. If she is having a good day and her blood counts are high then go out for a mall crawl for a little exercise and social interaction. Help her keep up on her housework and help her keep her weight up as mich as you can.

Remember if you have any questions or your aunt has any questions, PLEASE ASK ME. I want to help.

Thank you all. I have a question. I am usually a very patient and determined person. But lately I seem to be distrated easily. An example of this is I am in college and I try to get all my assignments done early, but I just haven't had the energy or patience to get a big paper done. Also I am less patient with my husband and son. I hate the way I have been latey, but I wonder if it has something to do with what's going on.
Also my aunt has been crying a lot because she lost her hair. I feel so bad for her, and I don't know what to do. I bought her a hat, wig, and those things that you tie on your head, but I don't feel like I am doing enough.
She has a restuant that she owns here in town and I work there along with most of my family,but because of the medicine bills the resteruant is suffering. I work for free, so that my aunt doesn't have to worry about my wages. What more can I do?

Stress does that, sweetie. I expect that this stuff with your aunt is consuming so much of your thought processes and your emotions that you defense mechanisms are kicking in. You are also trying to work, go to school, be a mom, be a wife, etc. It is a heavy load!

My situation was different in that it was my husband and I had to focus or I couldn't care for him. I was babysitting between 1 and 6 children at any given time. I drove six kids back and forth to school three times a day, I had a special needs daughter at home. I became so strong and empowered during his illness. But, after my husband died... for a VERY long time... even now... I have difficulty concentrating, and find my patience is almost non-existent at times. Energy? I had all but forgotten what that was up until about a year ago.

Of course it has a lot to do with what is going on. I don't know what the answer is other than to take advantage of the good times and muddle through the bad. Speak to your professors and let them know what is going on and ask for an extension on some of your assignments. You might want to speak to your doctor about going on an anti-anxiety medication or an anti-depressant... just a mild dose to take the edge off.

As for your aunt crying... I remember oh, so painfully, the same situation. My husband, Terry... my Terror... :)... he was a big gruff, outspoken truck driver. He was kind of vain about his full head of hair and I remember him joking about how he would die if he started losing it as he got older and that he didn't care how much it was, that he would have a hair transplant. LOL... Anyhow, he was determined to take chemo 'just in case'... even though they told him that he had already lived beyond their expectations. After awhile there was a period of a few days where I realized that he was losing his hair in big clumps. I would cuddle up for a kiss as I discreetly would grab the clump of hair from his shirt or the back of the couch. When he woke in the morning I would snuggle with him for long periods so I could gather up as much hair as I could from his pillow. One day, he was watching TV downstairs and he decided to lay on the couch to try to get more comfortable. He fell asleep, so I used that time to do some household chores and start supper. All of a sudden I heard him cry out. I ran down the stairs and he was sitting on the love seat clutching a big clump of hair in his hand and crying like a little lost boy. I looked at him and he looked at me with such pain. "I'm really dying!" he sobbed. "Losing my hair just re-affirms it!"

I tried to turn it around for him, but I couldn't. You know why?? Because that was his release! Up until that point he hadn't allowed himself to grieve for himself. He needed to cry. He needed to be allowed to feel his lost hope, grief, fear, sadness, sense of loss... everything. The hair falling out helped him to do so. What can you do when she cries?? Do what I did. Just go to her, put your arms around her, tell her you love her and let her cry. Cry with her! Give her permission to feel! Holding all those emotions in will just shorten her life. The thing is, when someone is sick and/or dying a lot of people just ignore the illness or the pain... but it's there and it needs to be expressed.

robertsqueen... honestly... you say that you don't know what to do. You can't really do anything except what you feel is right at the time. You have done a lot just by trying to help her through this... by being there... by treating her like a human being! I truly believe with all my heart that this will be the greatest gift that you can give to her. Look, there are no marks for this by the big guy... there is no right or wrong way. Every single person handles it differently... and however you handle it is OK, because you are you.

You need to give yourself a break. You CAN NOT change this. You CAN NOT take away her illness, her pain, or the feelings. All you can do is go through them.

I DO know that your aunt doesn't want. She doesn't want your life to come to a standstill. She doesn't want you to fail your college classes. She doesn't want your son to suffer because you are getting all wrapped up in her illness. It's okay to have fun, to laugh, to plan for the future without her. She doesn't want your marriage to fall apart because you are unable to lean on your husband for support. I guarantee that the one thing she doesn't want is for people's lives to be in an uproar over her illness.

As much as your aunt appreciates and loves what you are doing, or even trying to do for her... I am sure that she would be able to be a lot happier if she were able to see you not wasting your life... living, enjoying, loving, being all you can be and more. Perhaps this will be her legacy to you. Use her strength to get beyond the illness and live. She will be forever grateful, I'm sure, to see that she has given you something so wonderful.

Love, Didi

WOW you are a star and I can only presume how proud of you your aunt must be.

What you are feeling right now is a grieving process because you know that something worse is going to happen that like Didi says you cannot change. Give yourself a huge pat on the back and remember you need to do some taking care of you too. I became very unwell in the couple of weeks before my father passed away because I was running around and not listening to my own body and me being unwell did not help him.
You need to be in tip top condition to cope with all that is thrown at you plus to cope with college AND to work in the family business! Does college know your about what is going on? I wonder if speaking to someone might alleviate some of the pressure you are currently under and lessen your workload? Being a mother, wife, student and worker - You are trying to do everything and if you're not careful you could end up dropping all those eggs your're juggling.

Now the relationship bit - I live each day with chronic pain and I know what it is like to be a miserable and extra moody. Trust me, if all is in general well with our relationships, our partners love us and forgive us a great deal and accept that sometimes circumstances mean we are not always sweetness and light. Wouldn't you forgive your husband under the same conditions? Your son is little and will not understand why you are feeling the way you are. A quick apology and cuddle and I guarantee he will have forgotten and forgiven you. Every parent in the world has snapped at their children occasionally and mine have always forgiven me. (So far!)

Keep talking, lots here to listen to you.

You are under extreme circumstances and you are beating yourself when what you really need is hugs and support.

Hello again. Sorry life is chaotic I have been meaning to respond, but school is back in session. I really do apprciate the fact that you guys are being so open, and honest with me. Its what I need right now. I have a question... is is normal for chemo to give you constipation? My aunt is suffering enough, and now she is so constipated. I don't know what to tell her to help her feel better and not be constipated. Any suggestion.
Oh yeah and between you and me... I don't think that she is going to get better. I have been watching her lately and it seems like her body is just shuting down. She is so forgetful and can't barley remember anything. My family thinks it's the chemo... I think that it is the cancer in her brain? What do you guys think?

Oh, yes... the dreaded constipation! Usually this is from the pain killers (especially morphine), but it can be from the chemo and inactivity as well. We used a natural herbal stool softener available over the counter which was recommended by several of Terry's cancer doctors. If she needs more than a 'normal' dose, that's okay, because the key is making the patient comfortable. At some point we actually used a prescription from the doctor, but it had a tendency to make him sick to his stomach, so we stopped using it. It was like cod liver oil and terribly disgusting for him to swallow.

It is difficult for cancer patients, because the chemo makes you feel like s#$t, but encourage her to eat lots of high fibre foods (bran, nuts, whole wheat bread, lots of fruits and vegetables, popcorn) and more importantly, drink LOTS of fluids! Tea or warm water seems to help a bit, too. Suppositories can be a real help. If she is able, it is important to get lots of exercise. If she tends to sit a lot, but you think she is capable, I would encourage her (go with her) to go for a short walk several times a day. Maybe this is something she'd like to do with your son? If she's up to it, any exercise that's safe for her to do would be great.

Your aunt should discuss this with the doctor because it needs to be dealt with quickly or could lead to her bowels being impacted. It tends to come back, so she should be open and honest with the doctor and ask if she can take more medication if the doses aren't working, etc. The constipation could also be caused by other issues that her doctor might want to explore (high calcium levels, nausea, other tumour growth, etc.).

Sweetie, do you want the truth? The truth is that "USUALLY" (I stress the word), when the cancer spreads from the lungs to the brain, they are not getting better. The chemo WILL take a whack at her, but it doesn't usually cause forgetfulness, loss of memory, etc. The stress can affect her ability to concentrate, just like it does you. Generally, at that stage, the chemo is done supposedly to make the patient more comfortable. With a less advanced lung cancer they usually operate, although not always. I'm sorry if what I say hurts you, but I will not lie to you. I know that you value the honesty... and you know you have lots of support here.

Hang is there. I'm here for you, as are lots of other people here!

Love & hugs, Didi

Hun, is hospice and/or home care involved at all?

Didi

I know that she is dying.. it hurts to be the one that knows, but today she asked me if she took her pills already.. and the other day at sons b-day party. She called bialy by her sons name... I just wish that people (family) would stop pushing her, and telling her lies.
The doctor gave my grandma a book to give my aunt on how to get her affairs in order, and my grandma won't give it to her. I just wish that everyone would stop acting like everything is okay and she is healthy. They push her to go shopping all the time. Even when she dosen't feel good. I don't think that's right. Then if she agress to go to one store, they have her out all day, then get upset when she is tired the next day. I AM JUST SICK OF HURTING, AND HER HURTING. I am crying, and I don't know why. It just hurts all the time... even when I am holding my son, watcing TV, anything it just hurts. Soryy I didn't mean to do that, its just that I feel like you guys are the only one that I can show my true feelings too

No, my family won't allow it... they think that she is getting better since the cancer is shrinking. They won't even talk about it.

Sorry to hear about your situation. I went through the same thing with my father. He deasprately wanted to give up but we begged him to keep fighting. In the end I realized the I was selfish for requiring him to endure pain an suffering that he could have easily avoided. Let your aunt know that you love her and you will suppor her despite the situation

Oh, sweetie, I am surrounding you in hugs. It is normal and natural for lots of people to pretend that nothing is wrong. It's their OWN coping mechanism. Without it, they would fall apart. If you come across that book, you might just want to pass it on to your aunt... or put it down somewhere where she might find it by 'accident'?? A lot of people feel that if the person dying doesn't know that they will fight longer and harder to get better, and that will keep them alive longer. Everyone is different... some patients benefit by knowing, and others don't. I always felt that the person dying might benefit from knowing, just because if there was anything that they really wanted to do before they died, but were waiting until they had more money or until the kids grew up, etc... that they maybe could do it while they were still capable.

I really think you need to find a booklet about lung cancer and/or what to expect when someone is dying (usually you can just drop into the chemo wing of a hospital and find one or ask)... and you might even want to drop in and ask if you can talk to your aunt's doctor or a nurse just to talk about your feelings (tell them your aunt is a patient and you just need somebody to talk to). They may be able to have someone from their social services dept. talk to you (they are so familiar with this type of thing). Also, you can still contact the hospice people yourself and tell them what is going on and ask if there is someone there that you can talk to. They are wonderful people and I am sure they won't turn you away. I would NEVER have made it through my husband's illness without them.

I know that your family situation is difficult, but can you talk to them at all about why they won't allow her to prepare for her death by at least reading the book the doctor gave your grandma? It might help you understand their thoughts on all of this.

Now, as far as your crying and apologies... hun... you cry all you want and do NOT apologize for allowing your feelings to come out. You are crying because you are hurting, sad, angry, grieving, feeling alone, and lots of other things. It's okay... it's normal and you do it all you need to. You love your aunt and it shows immensely. Losing her will put a huge void in your life so of course you cry. Wrapping my arms around you...

Didi

I would talk to her doctors but she is getting treatment in Denver, Colorado. The reason why she is getting treatment there is because Rapid dosne't have the right doctors. I just wish that my family would let me in and not shield me. I think that out of everyone I am taking it the best.. so why won't they let me help and be part of this? If I go and visit her, I am shooed out of there by my mother... it really frustrates me. I want to spend time with her, beucase I don't know how much time I have with her.

Again thank you so much for your support

Some of the chemo drugs will give you constipation. One of them is Vincristine. Ask her doctor about a mild laxative called senokot and ask about stool softeners like colace. She needs lots of fluids to keep the constipation from happening too. As much walking as she can do so that her bowels will be stimulated and she might be able to avoid the laxatives.

There are 2 different kinds of Senokot. Get her to try both and see which one works best for her. It is very mild, but generally works well without giving the patient diarrhea.

As far as your family... ASK to be let in. Take your mother aside and have a heart to heart with her. Tell her how you are feeling. Maybe they are just trying to protect you. Let them know you are an adult now and can handle more. My guess is, they just aren't handling it the same way, so if they 'let you in' they might have to 'feel' a little more and they just aren't ready yet.

It is difficult to balance it all because you don't want to create a lot of stress for everybody. Who is caring for your aunt the most, your Grandmother? I'd actually approach her first and foremost and try to appeal to her on an emotional level.

Try to remember they are all just trying to do the same thing as you... their best!

Hugs, Didi

I know... its just hard to see my family suffer like this. My mom is the main controller she is in charge of the resteruant and everything. I have tried talking to her and she told me that I am not mature enough to handle. It. It just really uspests me. It feels like a nightmare. And I found out yesterday I am flunking my housing and math classes. I never flunk... I don't want her to be disapointed in me. Also I fainted yesterday... is that normal?

Maybe your mother needs to do everything to keep her busy so that she doesn't fall apart.
Robertsqueen, you are under a lot of stress and things seem to be coming at you from all directions (like your school work). So, please take a deep breath. Go to your favorite spot and try to relax. Can you turn to your husband or is he having a hard time as well?
Its understandable that you have been distracted from your studies because of everything that's going on. So, take it one day at a time. Concentrate on your work and do the best you can. You will get through this.

P.S. Don't be afraid to let go and cry. It's OK.

Today my husband took me and my son to the state park... I think that he wanted to get my mind off stuff. We had a wonderful time.. and I joked and laughed like I haven't in forever. It was great watching my son every time he saw a buffalo. By the way those things are ugly... but the meanng of this post is that I had a good day.. I didn't go see Tammy because as much as I love her. I needed time away from her. Does that make me a bad person? Oh and I thought I was flunking math... but I actually have a D. YAY!

Hello again. How are you doing? I am all right... I finally had my breaking point. I cried and cried last night. I don't know why I am crying, its not like she has already passed away right?

Its good to have a nice cathartic cry.

I am so glad that you went out and had a good time with your husband and son. It is important that you keep your life as normal as possible. It's GOOD to laugh and have fun! You are NOT a bad person! Tammy would not want your relationship with your little family to suffer because of her illness. Always take time for fun and sanity. Oh, and the crying... so very normal! First of all, I think that having some fun MIGHT have made you feel a bit guilty. If so, really... there is NOTHING to feel guilty about! Secondly, I bet that the closeness of your relationship with your husband and son in the past few days helped you to feel strong enough to allow your pain to release.

No, she is not dead - but crying is not just for death. Remember, crying is about sadness, and when you experience loss (or impending loss) it brings up every loss you have ever experienced... not just loss by death. Your aunt's illness has brought out sadness about many things, and it's okay to be sad. Her illness makes you sad, the way other family member's are handling it makes you sad, your inability to help the way you want to makes you sad and your sadnesses of the past. It is healthy to cry when you are sad, and the more you fight it, the more it will affect you. Crying is a release of pain. Welcome it.

Oh, and glad to hear you aren't flunking math! Under this very strressful time a D is okay. Just do your best.

I think of you every day... always sending thoughts and prayers for you and your aunt... even when I can't be online.

Hugs, Didi

Thank you Didi you don't know how much you are helping me... I can never explain it to you... Today I find myself very moody and irriatble at little things that my husband is doing... things that usually won't bother me... are. Is this normal? Just the other day I was loving and now I just don't want to be bothered... I feel so out of wack.

Hi robertsqueen. I was out of town for a while and only got back online yesterday. Trying to catch up with everything.

Didi has given you the right info. You are going to have massive mood swings throughout this whole ordeal. Some days are going to be better than others. You will feel guilty. You will feel content. Some days, you will feel numb to everything going on around you. Your emotions are on overload right now. The chemicals being released by your brain and body are trying to bring you back to your normal status quo. They are trying to balance you out. You are feeling out of whack because you are out of whack. Very normal.

Did you get a chance to do what I suggested about going to the local bookstore and looking at those two books? Please do that if you haven't. You might want to add this one to the list as well:
Amazon.com: Cancer and the Family Caregiver: Distress and Coping: Books: Ora Gilbar,Hasida Ben-Zur

I found the best way for me to cope was to understand as much as possible about everything involved. From diagnosis to treatment, from the patient's perspective, from the caregiver's perspective, from the extended family and friends perspective. It is an emotional rollercoaster and you need to find a way to ride it as best as you possibly can without losing yourself and without this experience negatively effecting your life to the point that everything around you starts to fall apart. I can guarantee you that if you start doing a little research the things you are experiencing will make a lot more sense to you and you will have a better grasp of life for you at this most trying time.

I am not too surprised at your family's reaction. If your family is of the "old school" type that is a typical reaction. When I was young, the general attitude about cancer and illness by adults was a hush-hush kind of thing. The adults around us wouldn't tell us anything. They felt it was better for the children not to know of such things. Big mistake, but it was a different generation. I am a bit perplexed that since you are an adult, married with a child, that your mother is still treating you as one yourself. Her comment about you not being mature enough bothered me. Do you understand why she said this? Do you agree with her assessment?

There comes a time in life when, as adults, we have to break that parent-child relationship and bring it to an adult-adult level. Believe me when I tell you that you will find a certain strength and content in this. You and your grandmother and mother will be able to speak with each other on the same level. Eventually our relationships with our parent figures, all cycles around to where you are the adult and your parent is the child. Not that they are children per se, but there will come a time where you will have to take care of your parents due to illness. It is inevitable if they live out their lives according to the statistical info. They will need help as their bodies start to break down. The sooner you place yourself in the trusted position, the easier it will be for them to accept your help. It is a very complex psychological connection. But, my point here is that it may be time for you to have a good sit down with your mother. Explain to her that you resent being left out of this. That you love your aunt as much as she does and it does no one any good, especially your aunt, for you to be left out of the loop. You want to help. You want to be involved. And, you need to make your mother understand that your involvement will help take the load off her shoulders. Tell her you will not take no for an answer. Sometimes, the people carrying the heaviest load, such as your mother and grandmother, don't recognize what they are doing to themselves. They are used to handling situations and they continue in that vein. Until someone physical steps in and starts doing, they don't realize how much stress they have been under. They might resent it at first because they are used to being in control, but they will have no choice if you just start doing things for your aunt. It is hard letting go of the control, but outside of a spousal situation, no one really has a right to keep freeze others out.

Before doing this, please read through those books. The more information you are armed with, the more help you will be to your aunt, your mother, and your grandmother. If you can explain things to them that you have learned, you will find they will be more willing to allow you to be involved. You might be pleasantly surprised to find that before making any decisions they will be looking for your input. So, arming yourself with knowledge is the best "defense" in this situation. Just keep in mind that if they let you in, you need to be able to balance your own little family's needs while taking care of your aunt's needs.

I had a horrible nightmare last night about my aunt. In my nightmare I went with her to her chemo appointment... and for some reason she had to get bone marrow put in. Well they put the wrong kind in and she was acting all funny. They called her name and she says who is tammy scott and she didn't know anyone. Then she just started to fade away. Is it normal to have these types of dreams? What do they mean?

Very normal. The stress, every day issues, and the like, show up in our dreams all the time. Our subconscious has an interesting way of transposing our worries and concerns. You don't know exactly what the treatment is that she is having and what she is going through so your sleeping mind is filling in the blanks for you. You know that she is not responding to the treatment the way you had hoped and she is still deteriorating. So, your brain is translating your fears into this kind of dream.

I still dream about my husband, among the other family members that I have lost. Initially, my dreams were a lot like yours. Very much nightmares to me and incredibly upsetting. It took a while, but the dreams started changing. It took a long time for me to start having those dreams in which I was conscious in my dreams that my husband had died. In the dream I start to cry because I am happy to see him AND I cry because I know he is gone. I tell him that he died and he laughs and tells me that he knows and to stop being silly about it (very much his personality - always minimizing everything in a very humorous way), which makes me laugh and cry at the same time. Obviously there is more to it but, geez, I hate it every time it happens. The best ones are of my grandmother. She did some pretty crazy things in her lifetime and she is still up to her old tricks in my dreams! :)