Ask Me Help Desk - Dying husband and his family doesn't seem to care unless its convenient!

Dear mcat,
I am so sorry to hear he stopped his treatments but I can definently understand...
The strength he has shown to date is inspiring..
The love you have must be endless...
But your task now is to not worry what his family is going to act like.. its to concentrate on your husband and YOUR family...
MAKE THE MOST OF THIS TIME...
YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS TIME BACK
The kids are probably due to get out of school soon... MAKE them spend as much time with their dad as possible even if they can't understand why...

Even though I'm 34 and my dad passed away last Feb. at the age of 55.. I would give anything to spend just 1 more minute with him... :_(
Your kids will appreciate later in life why you did it

My thoughts are with your husband you and the kids
Be stronger now than ever before
Make these last memories he has the best ones
It takes more strength to ask for help than not
Let his family be.. even after the fact
Don't forget to take care of yourself also.. there isn't just 1 person hurting here

God Bless

Tommy,

Millie is correct! My dad passed away this past Feb 6 at the age of 66, also of colon cancer. I understand what you mean.

Mary

I understand! I found myself in your post!

My husband was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's (ALS- Motor neuron Disease) 3 years ago, he was given 2 years. We have two young children as well. I went through all the family problems, similar to yours. I got upset, frustrated, tried to express to them how he needed them, only to get angry at the lack of action. I was worried about everybody else and how they would cope. Looking back now I see maybe that is how I coped, putting all my energy elsewhere keeping overly busy, ignoring me!

My turning point was when everything blew up at Christmas 2005, I then got outside help, someone suggested that I read "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.. Guess what, I found myself in there too! I believe you will too, and it will change everything! (Check your local library, they should have a copy) If you do one thing for your husband, show him that you are taking care of yourself, that you can handle "IT" that you can find peace, and by doing that he will too, so will your children.

This has all been a learning, growing, process for me! I am learning that I have no control over how others may act, that I only can do the best I can. I have to admit I got lost in the emotions that come with such a diagnosis, but I am working on finding myself again, and I will come out, of this all, as a stronger person, I am determined to find the peace that was torn from me and my family. I also know that there are 2 little ones that see all, they are learning a lot of lessons at a young age, I need to make the best of it for them, I need to show love and compassion which is sometimes very hard, especially when I allow all these outside influences to affect my life, my emotions, and my peace.

Everybody does cope in their own way, and if the intentions are not the best do you really need that to disturb the atmosphere that you work so hard on creating for your family!

DO NOT MAKE OTHER PEOPLES PROBLEMS YOURS! I did it! It eats you up! It is a long hard road to pick up and rediscover yourself, although it has become a great journey. If you can do your best and find peace I believe that it does not matter how anybody else reacts, now or later, spend your time creating your own special moments and memories, that will last a lifetime, your lifetime and your children's!

It is amazing to see who has been there, who shines! I am learning to enjoy the moment, to really appreciate those who have so much love in their hearts. And yes it has been a surprise to see how everybody reacts differently, I have not closed any doors, I have realized that I am very different! And I understand that people cope differently, that they may interpret things differently, that I may have interpreted incorrectly, that I need to find myself, stick to my values and learn to communicate them clearly and stand my ground! Ohhh just read the book!

I would send you a care package of love and support if I could, but I know you have it in you for yourself you just have to find it!

Quote:

Originally Posted by mcat14

Hello. This is my first time posting here. I am looking for some opinions from people other than family members regarding this situation:

My husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer 3 years ago and was not given long to live. At that time, his family called, sent cards but nothing more than that. He has a mother, 2 sisters and a father as well as many aunts, uncles and cousins.

In the past 3 years he has gone thru numerous treatments and surgeries. His father has seen him once, one of his sisters - 0 and the other sister 1 or 2 times. His mother has seen him maybe a handful of times, even though she has visited the area numerous amounts of times.

About a month ago - my husband was told that he had only a few weeks to a couple of months to live. His mother happened to be in the area and we met on conveyed the information as well as my husbands last requests.

I am concerned that when he passes - that at the wake - his family will become the grieving spectacle that you only see on tv.

At the time of this meeting - we spoke about visiting and spending time with my husband. From that point, she never came to see him again and has called twice. His one sister offered to come visit - as if she was doing us a favor - this is the one that has not come to see him in 3 years.

The other sister - well my husband was told 3 years ago that he had 6 months to live if the chemo didn't work wedding date after we got the news for the same time frame. Not earlier so her brother could be there - :eek:
She just sent us an email asking us when we go away on vacation to the beach so she could come see us.

Is she kidding - my vacation with my husband and oh - yeah - we have 2 sons ages 6 and 4 - and she wants to invite herself on our vacation??? That is not a vacation!!!

I wrote her an email back pretty much saying that if she wants to visit her brother she can do it at any time but not when we are having time together. Besides the fact that we do not know if he is even going to be alive at that time!!!

Ok - thank you for letting me vent - please feel free to ask me questions or make comments!!!

My question is - what would you do in this situation?

I read your original letter and the responses that you received. How did it all turn out. The last entry was May of 2006... it is now September of 2007.

My husband has colon cancer and it appears that his time may be limited without a miracle from God. He's going through his 2nd round of chemo... he has tumors, but they are inoperable at this time.

Dear Mary, (my wife's name as well!) I understand exactly what you mean-my family is (unfortunateley the same).

GOD BLESS YOU

(and I'm buddhist!)

Love to your wonderful children and those that care about you.

We would like an update, but do this only if you feel like you want to.

Best wishes and love and hope for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mcat14

Hello. This is my first time posting here. I am looking for some opinions from people other than family members regarding this situation:

My husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer 3 years ago and was not given long to live. At that time, his family called, sent cards but nothing more than that. He has a mother, 2 sisters and a father as well as many aunts, uncles and cousins.

In the past 3 years he has gone thru numerous treatments and surgeries. His father has seen him once, one of his sisters - 0 and the other sister 1 or 2 times. His mother has seen him maybe a handful of times, even though she has visited the area numerous amounts of times.

About a month ago - my husband was told that he had only a few weeks to a couple of months to live. His mother happened to be in the area and we met on conveyed the information as well as my husbands last requests.

I am concerned that when he passes - that at the wake - his family will become the grieving spectacle that you only see on tv.

At the time of this meeting - we spoke about visiting and spending time with my husband. From that point, she never came to see him again and has called twice. His one sister offered to come visit - as if she was doing us a favor - this is the one that has not come to see him in 3 years.

The other sister - well my husband was told 3 years ago that he had 6 months to live if the chemo didn't work wedding date after we got the news for the same time frame. Not earlier so her brother could be there - :eek:
She just sent us an email asking us when we go away on vacation to the beach so she could come see us.

Is she kidding - my vacation with my husband and oh - yeah - we have 2 sons ages 6 and 4 - and she wants to invite herself on our vacation??? That is not a vacation!!!

I wrote her an email back pretty much saying that if she wants to visit her brother she can do it at any time but not when we are having time together. Besides the fact that we do not know if he is even going to be alive at that time!!!

Ok - thank you for letting me vent - please feel free to ask me questions or make comments!!!

My question is - what would you do in this situation?

Yell at your family

To answer your question, Yes, your husband's families' removed attitude is bizarre. I also have a father who is very removed like this. I believe it is a character flaw on some deeper level that we may never understand... One thing I have learned in life is that blood is not always thicker than water... Sometimes our greatest support and love and connection comes from those who do not share our DNA... Just be there for your husband and feel sorry for them that they are so unable to give him the love and support, he so deserves, as he goes through the most difficult thing in his life... You just be there and love him... that's all that matters. My father and sister both walked out of my life at the most horrid time in my life. If they wail when he passes, just find the idiocy in it and separate yourself from their sickness... I had to walk away from my father and sister... There was only hurt there. God bless you as you go through this alone... what a shame that you have to, but know you are not alone... family is not always what we think they are... or what they could be... You just do everything you feel you must do and your heart will have no regrets...
-Kim
Ohio