We were only friends. We met in college. He told me he was married. Years later we became good friends. He actually helped me to get out of a bad relationship. He made me see that the man I was dating was never going to marry me. As a told him my situation, he opened up his situation. We were in a very unhappy marriage... somehoe we got involved.. He tried to fix his marriage... but all he did, didn't work. He wants to get divorce, but since his wife never worked... He will loose a lot of his money in alimony... His wife went back to school and she wants first to finish it before getting divorce... This will take about 3 year... One part of me will wait for him anytime... other part is really afraid of waisting my time... he told me that 3 years was a lot for me and that he could understand is I said no... He is really a wonderful man... he helped me... he knows a deserve better... we are really in love... we really feel good about a relationship... finally we really feel loved... I don'y know what to do?. I think his wife can finish an associate degree and while working get the bachelor... He wants to wait 3 years... I don't want to... I want to live now... I don't want to stopmy life, for a future that is not easily sure... how can he avoid life term alimony?. that could help to make him make things happen... How to know this is not going to end like so many stories?. how to know is this is real for him?. it looks really real before my eyes... I don't want to regret it later...

So you are not worth the money, his money is more important than you are, is that what we are saying.

And in 3 years, guess what, she just gets out of school and he will still have to pay alimony since she has not worked all though the marriage. And she will still get at least 1/2 of everything they have together.

And alimony is not life time, it is based on many factors most of which can not be changed at this point.

If he really wanted to be with you, he would, in 3 years it will be merely another excuse.

Does his wife know about you, and going to school to be ready for a divorce ? So he is free to be with you anytime, or do you only get left over time , perhaps he leaves his bed with her to sneak to you ?

I agree with Chuck, and I think that your hesitation to invest more of yourself in a relationship with a married man, is a wake up call.

If he wanted to truly be with you, he would have divorced his wife. It's that simple.

He is giving you a 'reason' why he needs to stay married, and it's not a good one.

If you buy into it, it gives him three more years of breathing room, and in my opinion, at the end of those three years, you are going to be in exactly the same spot you are now. Which is nowhere.

Let him go and deal with his wife and his assets and all those things that are more important than you are.

I would say he is not worth trusting.

Don't fall for his excuses , if he really wanted to be with you he'd divorce her and deal with the circumstances.

3 Years down the track there'll be another excuse.

I agree with all the others, in 3 years he'll come up with another excuse.

He doesn't want a divorce, he's just telling you to wait because he wants to keep you and his wife. After all, two birds are better then one.

If you want to live then do it, but realize that it won't be with him, not now, not 3 years from now.

How long have they been married? Do they have any children?

I somehow get the feeling if his divorce story is true that he put more effort into helping you than he did his wife.

Right now, you are the forbidden fruit or greener grass for him. Once you are fully involved in the relationship, I would be concerned that he will fall back on old habits and you will find yourself in the same boat as his current wife. I would also be concerned that he might start blaming you when he has to split the marital assets with his wife and has to rebuild his life. It is a common occurrence when someone jumps from one relationship into another one even with planning.

I think you should let him live his life and stop feeling beholden to him for helping you out of a bad situation. You need to get out and see other people (without him there as a safety net) to make certain that you aren't confusing gratitude and love. Sometimes, it is hard to know where one emotion ends and another begins.

Stop listening to the excuses, and end it now. He told you that your heart is valued at less than his money, what does that tell you?

People who make excuses are choosing to do so.

One excuse today,what will it be a few years down the line?

I think you let this go and date single guys in the future.

You should get out of this situation hon! You really should I agree with the others.. he is making excuses!

No matter what he hs done for you in the past he's not worth waiting for!

Thanks, I really think like you all do. It is hard to make a decision but I have to do it... His wife doesn't know about me... but they marriage has been bad from the beginning, so he asked for a divorce even before he met me... so this is my worry... before he didn't have anybody and he wanted the divorce, so now he has me... why do he get it?. His wife will give the divorce after she finish school, she said... I think she is only buying time... you know... excuses to stay a little longer as she is now... Thanks a lot...

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Originally Posted by ALGACE

so he asked for a divorce even before he met me...so this is my worry...before he didn't have anybody and he wanted the divorce, so now he has me.....why do he get it

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Time to leave him and his wife to play their games.

If this has been going on since before you met him, then it sounds even more like he is using you. Do you have any first hand knowledge of the problems in their marriage or is it all what he has told you?

Yes , all I know is what he has told me

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Originally Posted by ALGACE

Yes , all I know is what he has told me

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Seems he may be spinning a fairy tale for you. He wouldn't be the first person to attempt to make him/herself seem sympathetic to get involved with someone outside his/her marriage.

It helps his cause that he helped you out of a bad relationship. It probably intensified any friendship you felt for him into seeming to be something stronger and has kept you available to him.

Take some time away from him and the spice that being involved in an affair with a married man brings. You will probably find that the feelings aren't as intense as you thought they were. You will probably find that instead of missing him, you end up missing the relationship more. Let them both go.

Give yourself time to get your life in order and heal and someday when you are ready, you will find the person who wants to build a life with you and isn't playing games with your emotions.

Good luck.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

Seems he may be spinning a fairy tale for you. He wouldn't be the first person to attempt to make him/herself seem sympathetic to get involved with someone outside his/her marriage.

It helps his cause that he helped you out of a bad relationship. It probably intensified any friendship you felt for him into seeming to be something stronger and has kept you available to him.

Take some time away from him and the spice that being involved in an affair with a married man brings. You will probably find that the feelings aren't as intense as you thought they were. You will probably find that instead of missing him, you end up missing the relationship more. Let them both go.

Give yourself time to get your life in order and heal and someday when you are ready, you will find the person who wants to build a life with you and isn't playing games with your emotions.

Good luck.

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I took sometime away from him... and it did was to get us even closer... but I think I'll take some more time away from him... get myself so busy than I won't for sure be missing the relationship... so I'll find out is I still missing him... Thanks a lot

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ALGACE

I took sometime away from him....and it did was to get us even closer...but I think I'll take some more time away from him...get myself so busy than I won't for sure be missing the relationship...so I'll find out is I still missing him......Thanks a lot

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Keep yourself busy and don't allow yourself to think of him or the relationship being there to fall back on. Give yourself a chance to go forward.

Good luck. :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

Keep yourself busy and don't allow yourself to think of him or the relationship being there to fall back on. Give yourself a chance to go forward.

Good luck. :)

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Thanks... I'll do it

Hi ALGACE,

Who's to say you were the first that he had an affair with, by his own admission, his marriage was bad from the start, I am sure he has not abstained from bedroom duties all of his married life...

I suspect there are several women, that have been used, then cast away, having been told a similar story to them by him.

Lets face it, if it was that bad at home he would have gone a long time ago, despite what he may loose.

He has the best of both worlds, a wife who provides... ALL OF HIS NEEDS... and a bit of exitment to boost his ego... YOU.

You sound like a lovely person, please don't be sucked into his deception, get on with your own life.

Eventually you will meet someone without complications, who will love and respect you.

I wish you luck

It isn't easy to accept that the person you love, and to whom you've invested your life with, could possibly have been living a total lie. With both with you, and his wife.

It's quite possible that having you on the side, has kept his marriage together. He has two women in his life, and has found a way to balance that out and maintain both relationships.

What most people would do, is finish with one relationship first, before moving onto the other. With his wife, it would be complicated with assets, custody, lawyers, etc. Very costly. While going through that emotional upheaval, I think it's safe to say that most would not have the energy to carry on a full blown affair at the same time.

What he has, works for him.

What you are left with is a man who doesn't seem too particularly distraught with his marriage and married life, to take the steps to end it.

You can't be faulted for falling in love. It is all too easy to allow the lies to filtre your judgment and accept what you are being told, because you want to believe him, and you find a way to make sense of it, so as not to face the truth.

But what about your life. What about what you have to offer someone who does not carry a marriage on his back every time you are with him. What about the freedom to have just one man in a relationship, without his wife's shadow hanging over everything.

While you may always hold a special place in your heart for him, I hope you consider that the place you are in now, only serves his needs, not yours. Love is not enough to justify being immune to reality, because the longer you wait to realize what he's really doing, the harder this will be on you. At some point you will have to find the strength to let him go.

Three people in a relationship at the same time never works out.

Ever think that in 3 years you could be over him and be ready for someone who is ready for you? Just something to consider.