Ask Me Help Desk - Dealing with a petty ex girlfriend

I have an ex girlfriend who is mad at the fact I am now dating someone else. However we have mutual friends, we had an incident where she was drinking, tried to get back with me and hit me in anger... I was cordial before that but now I don't speak to her. I want no dealings with her but we share like 12 friends. She does annoying things now like if we are at house, she will put her foot up on a sofa so I can't have the only available seat, and then offer it to somebody else. Goes out of her way to offer food to everybody but me... make smart little side comments, etc.

Ignore her or find some new friends to hang out with... maybe hang with friends that SHE'S not hanging with at the moment. Surely all 12 aren't always together... that would get old fast.

Remove yourself from any situation where you find she is there, or else be subject to any petty thing she comes up with to show her displeasure with you. Yeah, it's crap but you CANNOT control her actions, just your own, and being stubborn while she is immature is no solution.

That's one of the consequences of dating in the group you socialize in, and have common friends. Your real friends will understand and sympathize, but it's a bad idea to think she will grow up, and be mature because you want her to be, so avoid her until she does... if she does NOT, why keep feeding a screwed up situation?

Try not to go where she is and if you happen to go to a friend's house while she's there, leave.
The more you stay away from her, she will stop acting childish. She does this to get a reaction from you. Why stay where she is acting up?

"... if we are at house.." at HER house? And she puts her feet up so you can't sit down (next to her, given that her legs are attached to the rest of her)? And she doesn't offer you any of HER FOOD? What planet is a guy from who thinks that having a good reason for breaking up with someone means that that she has to be friendly, friends in common or not?

Have a party at your place. That food bit really gets me. I'm friends with all my exes but don't EXPECT to be!

While you have moved on with your life, without her, she has not moved on with her life, without you.

Where she still has feelings for you, she will find a way to express them, and in negative ways it seems. All in order to get your attention, and make you uncomfortable, and that 'connection' gives her hope.

Think of this situation as any other where you know you need to do something, because it is necessary to stop the nonsense. She won't- you have to.

Avoid all situations where you will be anywhere near her. And particularly, where she can do her best to get attention from you. She is like a child where even negative attention is better than nothing.

There is no other way around it. You have to take charge, otherwise, you will find yourself stepping into the same trap, time and time again.

Not to mention you have a girlfriend, and you aren't showing a lot of respect for her, while your ex is so much a part of your social life- she is left with a big question mark over her head as to why you keep tolerating the ex's bad behavior.

One thing you might think of doing, is socializing with your old friends, without inviting the ex. That should not be too difficult.

Seems pretty obvious really. Are you sure you don't like the attention of both women?

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Originally Posted by joypulv

"... if we are at house.." at HER house? And she puts her feet up so you can't sit down (next to her, given that her legs are attached to the rest of her)? And she doesn't offer you any of HER FOOD? What planet is a guy from who thinks that having a good reason for breaking up with someone means that that she has to be friendly, friends in common or not?

Have a party at your place. That food bit really gets me. I'm friends with all my exes but don't EXPECT to be!

It wasn't her house, its my best friends house. I wouldn't mess with her food anyway. I was just giving an example of how hard she goes to make a point she's mad at me. Meanwhile I have contributed to food cost, and don't care who eats it whether its her or somebody else. That's usually how it goes at a social events. I have no issue staying out of her way, and don't even talk to her... It just annoys me when she comes into my personal bubble and do rude things like snatch bags from under my elbow when I didn't even know I was leaning on it. When you can just say "excuse me". She's turning 30, and handles issues like a 5 year old.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

While you have moved on with your life, without her, she has not moved on with her life, without you.

Where she still has feelings for you, she will find a way to express them, and in negative ways it seems. All in order to get your attention, and make you uncomfortable, and that 'connection' gives her hope.

Think of this situation as any other where you know you need to do something, because it is necessary to stop the nonsense. She won't- you have to.

Avoid all situations where you will be anywhere near her. And particularly, where she can do her best to get attention from you. She is like a child where even negative attention is better than nothing.

There is no other way around it. You have to take charge, otherwise, you will find yourself stepping into the same trap, time and time again.

Not to mention you have a girlfriend, and you aren't showing a lot of respect for her, while your ex is so much a part of your social life- she is left with a big question mark over her head as to why you keep tolerating the ex's bad behavior.

One thing you might think of doing, is socializing with your old friends, without inviting the ex. That should not be too difficult.

Seems pretty obvious really. Are you sure you don't like the attention of both women?

I wouldn't say I like the attention of both. My new girlfriend is the cousin of my best friends, she's extremely long distance though. My ex, I have went out with for 6 years, it's not that I don't care about her. I just thinks she's extremely immature for her age and not compatible for marriage. So it didn't work. In terms of the attention, it's the opposite, I prefer no attention from her. She's giving me a lot of it, but not in a good way... It's not that I want to be around her, I guess I just hate missing out on fun events just because she's going to be there... but seems like I may have no choice.

What I was trying to get through to you was, only you can stop the nonsense.

Make your own plans, with your own friends (minus the ex), with those you enjoy spending time with.

It really is up to you.

What choice do you have?

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It's not that I want to be around her,

It's YOU that keeps going where you KNOW she will be.

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I guess I just hate missing out on fun events just because she's going to be there...

Her antics would seem to be destroying all the fun to me.

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but seems like I may have no choice.

You can keep doing what you are doing and keep getting the same results, or you can change YOUR actions and get different results.

I find it pretty hard to believe the only "fun events" worth going to are the ones she's at. Unless you all live in outer Podunk where cow tipping is considered excitement and you have to drive an hour or more to buy a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread there are always other things to do. Nor can she be every place at all times... that defies the laws of physics.

You are no longer a couple... this will only continue to affect you as long as you let it affect you.

Agree, if you are making the plans, don't include her.

Decide not to go to every activity she is at. A new girlfriend will not like a drama of the old one.

If her foot is on a seat, don't sit by her. Ask a friend (if they are really your friends) to change seats, and ask them to move by her. (then she can move her feet)