I'm having a little issue with my boyfriend. So everyday when we hangout he plays this card game called Magic. I tried playing it with him, but I wasn't really into it. I don't mind him playing it, but whenever we hangout that is all he does. We never do anything together all we do is sit in his room and I watch him play his game or I just look up stuff on my phone. I told him how I felt and he just doesn't care. I want to spend time with him and do things together, but then he says I don't have $50 to drop every week. I said it's not about the money it's about finding something that we both can do together. I even brought up that there are free days at the museum and he's like no there isn't, but then when his friend said that there are free days at the meusum he's like yeah we should totally do that. I told him that I don't mind him playing with his friends or going to tournaments, but when I'm with you I want to spend quality time with you. He just doesn't get it and even his brother agreed with me that we both need to find a hobby to do together. I just don't know what to say to him anymore because he doesn't get it and it really doesn't look like he cares about what I'm saying. It's really taking a toll on our relationship and I just want things to be back the way they used to be. Any advice guys? Thanks!

How long has he been your boy friend and how old are the two of you?
Do you two do anything together? Maybe he is not as into you as you are in him.

I'm 23 and he's 27 and we don't do much at all together. We only go out to eat here and there, but that's about it. Well I think he would have broken up with me if that was the case, but I don't know. He has been my boyfriend for almost two years now.

Might be time to start spending more time with your friends and family. He doesn't see a need to make any changes because he gets to play and still be with you at the same time.

You've told him how you feel and how you would like some things to be different, but he either isn't truly listening, doesn't care, or isn't taking your thoughts seriously. It's not like you are asking him to stop playing.

If he is interested in spending more time with you, he'll notice when you become busy elsewhere.

You're right I am trying to spend more time away from him. These past few days I have been hanging around more with my friends than him and I'm trying to give him more space. He actually said to me that he hopes he can see me soon. I know I am not perfect in this relationship either but I am working on the things he told me that I should work on,but he really doesn't seem like he's trying at all. So hopefully that changes when I do that and if not then I'm not sure what to do. Is it bad for me to say that I love him but I'm not in love with him if you know what I mean by that.

He's given you a list of things to work on? Does he have a list for himself as well? Was this a mutual thing that the two of you discussed as a means of working together to improve your relationship?

It's not bad at all to love someone but not feel in love. That happens in relationships and people will find those feelings ebb and flow now and then. Sometimes, however, someone may come to realize that while they may love the other person, they no longer have the desire to keep the relationship going, or they learn that the other person doesn't.

Both people have to be in it for the long haul, and understand that they won't always feel romantic love, but a love and commitment that keeps them wanting to keep the relationship going.

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Originally Posted by superstar18

You're right I am trying to spend more time away from him. These past few days I have been hanging around more with my friends than him and I'm trying to give him more space. He actually said to me that he hopes he can see me soon. I know I am not perfect in this relationship either but I am working on the things he told me that I should work on,but he really doesn't seem like he's trying at all. So hopefully that changes when I do that and if not then I'm not sure what to do. Is it bad for me to say that I love him but I'm not in love with him if you know what I mean by that.

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He told you things he feels you need to work on, but he's not willing to listen to the things you want him to work on?

He's not making any effort. He expects you to, he expects you to change the things he doesn't like, but the things you don't like, he's not willing to change at all.

I'd tell him you want a break, tell him that you don't like sitting around watching him play his game, being ignored, so you want a break to see if this is really something you can live with, or if there's someone better out there, someone willing to give you the time you deserve, someone you have more in common with, and he should do the same.

Take that break to meet new people, hang out with friends, better yourself for your own good, not someone else's. Decide if you want to be with someone that wants you to change and someone you want to change as well. You can't change who someone is, so take a break and decide if you can live with who he is, and if he can live with who you are.

Frankly, him asking you to make changes just shows that you should move on. You wanting to make changes in him, says the same thing. Neither one of you love the other for who and what you both are, so why are you fighting to stay in this?

In my opinion it's time to find someone that likes you for who you are, and someone that you like for who they are. That's not what's going on in this relationship.

Not really a list bit he pointed out some things for me that I should work on. Like trying not to be so pushy is something he said. But maybe that would be a good idea for us to do. Maybe we should write a list of stuff that we both could work on to improve the relationship.

I think you should take a break from the relationship. You said you are not in love with him, why do you stay?

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Originally Posted by superstar18

Not really a list bit he pointed out some things for me that I should work on. Like trying not to be so pushy is something he said. But maybe that would be a good idea for us to do. Maybe we should write a list of stuff that we both could work on to improve the relationship.

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The problem with that is, you can't change someone's personality, and you shouldn't think you can.

He loves to play his card game, that's a huge part of his life, it means more to him than you do. That's a fact, because he's not willing to let it go for you. You can try to change him, but you won't. He is who he is, you are who you are, and you both deserve to be loved by someone that accepts you for who you are. You both have issues with each other, too many to really fix, and you're not in love with him, so that makes it even harder to justify sticking around and trying to change him.

Better to let him go and find someone that matches you, someone who you don't want to change because you like the way they are.

I'm scared because I still have feelings like I do care about him and I don't just want to give up that easy. I want things to go back to the way they were when we first started dating. Now I just think he is too comfortable in the relationship and he probably thinks that he doesn't have to try since he's got me. But maybe a break is for the best or I'll just hangout with my friends more. I honestly really don't care if he still plays it but I just want him to realize that when I'm with him I just want to spend quality time with him. But you all are right I can't change someone who's not willing to.

It is obvious he either has an addiction to the game (common in younger boys) or he really does not care that much about you.

It is obvious the game is more important to him.

Time to talk, he either puts the game away and you start going places, it can be free, like the park and so on, just out looking at the mall. Or it is time to stop going over as much. Be clear, if he plays game, just leave, do it several times, he can chose what he wants.

At 27 he should have his own home, or apartment, have a job and have money to do things, sorry but it just sounds like he is very lazy.

He has a job but he still lives at home with his parents. Whenever I try to have a serious talk with him he winds up yelling at me. He does have anger issues once in awhile. I try telling him that we should go to the park or the mall and all he says is that we will or the mall is for teenagers. He says he's going to do things with me but he doesn't act on it. Like he said he would take me to the zoo or go ice skating during the winter time and we have yet to do that. I will start leaving if he starts playing with his game that's a good idea. I did that once but I made an excuse up saying my stomach was hurting.

You are already getting tired of his crap, and if nothing changes you will be tired enough to do something else without him. It always goes that way.

Yes you guys are right I need to have a deep serious talk to him about it and I should tell him that if you really care you would listen to me. I should tell him that if he continues to do this then he cares more for his cards than me. I shouldn't have to deal with this any longer and its gone on for too long. I need to take a stand and do what is right for me. Thank you everyone for your advice it has really made me see that I should do something about this. It's hard for me to say how I feel. I have always been that way and I'm not sure why. I keep my feelings to myself most of the time.

I know the game and played it so many years ago. Haven't bought a card in 12 years though and sold everything off, but I understand the alure of the game.

That being said, and reading through your post I am going to put this as succinct as I can.

Dump him. End the relationship and move on.

He is a man-child and I believe he's your boyfriend just because you're putting up with him. I think you can do way better then him. I know you have feelings but you need to step back and think about where this relationship is going. What are things going to be like in 5 years? 10? What about kids? Marriage? I doubt that you've had these conversations with him or if you had that they went very far. In the end I don't think he has realized how selfish he's being and how close to losing you he is.

What struck me as weird is that he didn't believe you but believed his mate when it came to the free day at the museum. That is troublesome. I think you need to end this because I believe it is stagnant with little chance of improvement.

Well I talked to him about this and he said he's willing to change,but saying it is a lot different than actually doing it so I will have to see. If I see no improvement in our relationship I will do something about it. I asked him if I was important in his life because I told him I don't feel like I really am and he said of course I am but we are always fighting and have different views on things. I basically said well if we work on it together than things will get better for the both of us. It does kind of suck though because if I explain this to him in person he gets mad, but if I text him how I feel then he has no problem. I told him that it feels like he doesn't even want to do anything with me and he said that he does like doing things with me and he said sorry for being an and sorry that your bored all the time.

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Originally Posted by superstar18

Well I talked to him about this and he said he's willing to change,but saying it is a lot different than actually doing it so I will have to see. If I see no improvement in our relationship I will do something about it. I asked him if I was important in his life because I told him I don't feel like I really am and he said of course I am but we are always fighting and have different views on things. I basically said well if we work on it together than things will get better for the both of us. It does kind of suck though because if I explain this to him in person he gets mad, but if I text him how I feel then he has no problem. I told him that it feels like he doesn't even want to do anything with me and he said that he does like doing things with me and he said sorry for being an and sorry that your bored all the time.

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How many chances are you going to give him? Are you willing to always be second best in his world? He is seeing that he is about to lose you and making overtures to keep you to stay. I don't think he will change, and a few months down the road you'll be in the same situation.

I hope your optimism pays off.

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Originally Posted by superstar18

He has a job but he still lives at home with his parents. Whenever I try to have a serious talk with him he winds up yelling at me. He does have anger issues once in awhile.

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Do you frequently make excuses for him? If he has anger issues, he needs to learn to control them. He shouldn't be taking them out on you. That's on him.

He he still lives at home at 27? What kind of job does he have that he can't afford to live on his own?

Ask yourself where you want to be in 5 years. Answer yourself honestly. Do you want to be married? Do you want to be financially independent? Do you want to live on your own? Do you want to be in a verbally abusive and/or neglectful relationship.

IF you answered those questions honestly, you know what the next step in this relationship is.

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Originally Posted by superstar18

. I asked him if I was important in his life because I told him I don't feel like I really am and he said of course I am but we are always fighting and have different views on things. .

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Perhaps you two are just not compatible. If you are always fighting and have such different views, what is the point of trying to change for each other. Let him be who he is and you be who you are and find someone you are more compatible with.

I know you guys are right and I do keep telling myself things will get better. My mind tells me one thing and my heart says the other. He is self employed he doesn't like having a boss control him I guess. But yes I do want to get married someday and have a family. I just feel like I won't find anybody. I'm a hopeless romantic and I feel like I won't be able to find that kind of person like me. We both have talked about having a break but I see no point in breaks at all you might as well just dump them.

Set a time limit in your own mind and see how things go. People can change, if they truly want to. He may or may not make the changes you are looking for. It may be that you are now finding out what you want and don't want in a long term, committed relationship... dating helps you learn those things, but sometimes you have to take your emotions out of it a bit to see it.

If you decide that you are just in two different places, want different things, etc. then it would be time to mutually end the relationship so that both of you can go on to meet other people who will be better suited. Certainly it's hard for a relationship to end, but obviously it is sometimes necessary.

If this doesn't work out how you would like, then rest assured you will meet other people. You will know when you have met someone who ticks most of the boxes for you; you won't have to wonder if they would make a good partner, or wish that they would change major parts of their personality, etc.

I wish you well!

Thank you DoulaLC yeah I should probably wait a while and see if things do get better and if nothing changes then it probably would be best to break up. If we both really love each other then we will try and make it work. We have to make sacrifices for one another. Also is there any advice that you all can give me for cheap or even free dates?

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Originally Posted by superstar18

I know you guys are right and I do keep telling myself things will get better. My mind tells me one thing and my heart says the other. He is self employed he doesn't like having a boss control him I guess. But yes I do want to get married someday and have a family. I just feel like I won't find anybody. I'm a hopeless romantic and I feel like I won't be able to find that kind of person like me. We both have talked about having a break but I see no point in breaks at all you might as well just dump them.

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You hit upon three good points.

1). Rational VS Emotional mind. While it is good to believe that love conquers all and you'll have all your fairy tale ending, the harsh reality is quite the opposite. You need to have your rational mind balance out the emotional and trust in it. It will hurt the heart but that pain is always tranistory.

2). "It is better to be in a emotionally stunted and non-functional relationship then alone." This is instinct and emotions talking and it is utter garbage. You will find someone else, after you properly grieve the relationship. There are so many different services and sties that allow you to find someone you will like, regardless of the old fashioned ways of meeting people. There are people out there that are probably a better match for you. You just need the strength to realize that there is something better out there and the possibility of being alone and discovering yourself and another relationship is much more rewarding then staying where you are.

3). It is better to just end a relationship then take a break. I have not found a relationship that survived much after a break. When you take a break you're essentially saying that this relationship isn't working and as such both need to recenter themselves and give it another shot. In which, since you have history, you both will fall into the same routine and things will not have changed and it is a year that you've been suffering in the relationship.

In the end it is up to you what you do. Take some serious time to think about this. Embrace the unknown and do what you need to do.

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Originally Posted by superstar18

He is self employed he doesn't like having a boss control him I guess.

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Big red flag here. This statement says that he is lazy and will never find gainful employment because he will have to punch a time clock.

I really don't see a future, or HAPPY future, in this relationship. You will forever be the one doing all the work to keep the relationship alive and, after a while, that will drain you of all of your energy.

If if you are a hopeless romantic you are young enough to find someone of the same mindset who will share your passion for life.

If I were you, I would not expect him to change, nor push very hard by asking and nagging for him to change. Just do your own thing, and make yourself happy, and if he follows suit fine, you will have something to build on, and develop maybe. If he doesn't have a clue, is selfish, or has no interest, or willingness to do his part, then the "relationship dies a natural death", and you have a life that you enjoy to fall back on without all that emotional baggage you are packing away because of his actions, behavior, and attitudes.

Rather than be dependent on him to be happy, as you do now, break that dependence and follow your own path and if he cannot keep up then sadly you leave him behind. Sitting around in misery watching him enjoy doing his thing without you is NOT a caring and sharing relationship, so stop allowing it, by taking control and responsibility for your own life, and happiness.

Build your life that you enjoy on YOUR actions, not the FALSE HOPE he will make you happy.

Well said and right on.

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Originally Posted by superstar18

He is self employed he doesn't like having a boss control him I guess. But yes I do want to get married someday and have a family.

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I agree.. MAJOR red flag there. With that attitude there are very few ways a self employed person is going to make it much less be a success.

Why? Because of having one boss, who's expectations of you are clear... every client you have is now a boss and many of them have very unrealistic expectations... want to pay for a Kia, Rio, but expect a Rolls Royce... and some will drag you to court because they didn't get it.

My advice... run far, run fast. You can do better. He's self absorbed in more ways than one.

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Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

You hit upon three good points.

1). Rational VS Emotional mind. While it is good to believe that love conquers all and you'll have all your fairy tale ending, the harsh reality is quite the opposite. You need to have your rational mind balance out the emotional and trust in it. It will hurt the heart but that pain is always tranistory.

2). "It is better to be in a emotionally stunted and non-functional relationship then alone." This is instinct and emotions talking and it is utter garbage. You will find someone else, after you properly grieve the relationship. There are so many different services and sties that allow you to find someone you will like, regardless of the old fashioned ways of meeting people. There are people out there that are probably a better match for you. You just need the strength to realize that there is something better out there and the possibility of being alone and discovering yourself and another relationship is much more rewarding then staying where you are.

3). It is better to just end a relationship then take a break. I have not found a relationship that survived much after a break. When you take a break you're essentially saying that this relationship isn't working and as such both need to recenter themselves and give it another shot. In which, since you have history, you both will fall into the same routine and things will not have changed and it is a year that you've been suffering in the relationship.

In the end it is up to you what you do. Take some serious time to think about this. Embrace the unknown and do what you need to do.

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Yeah that's what I meant by I rather not take a break. I would rather just end it than having a break. I know I'm going to take some time to figure everything out. I'm hoping for the best but I'm expecting the worse. I haven't even seen him that much at all I have been really busy with work so I'm trying to keep my mind off things. I know I can't avoid this forever and one way or another something is going to have to change.