I'm going to try to cut this short. My ex of 4 years we have 4 kids I'm 22. There was a time in our relationship when I went through a dark time, feeling like I was useless and I was angry all the time because I felt like I couldn't take care of her and the kids like they deserve and I made the mistake of shutting everyone out including her *sigh* not realizing she can one day leave. She she did just that and I learned that another guy was in the picture eventually, once I learned I snapped out of it and my pride dropped lower than low and I chased her and I chased hard. She was being really cold to me she had so much anger toward me because why am I fighting hard now when I just shut the world out. I just figured that even in my darkest hour you'll stand by me. But I made my mistake.

So she deal with this guy for a while now, he is a drug dealer and possessive. He says he love her but he don't know anything about her. Fact of the matter is she keep telling me things I want to hear but then take it away from me and if we have sex she will say I didn't respect because I should have had more control. She had sex with the other guy twice. And I forgave it she said she felt like she betrayed me. Hmm just yesterday she told me she don't deserve me because I'm still there saving her since day one and that I didn't deserve her bad treatment.

They so called broke it off because she got angry and he didn't know how to deal with her so he made it worse and she broke a glass bottle and was gonna get him so he blocked.her number and called her crazy. Now she says she loves me, calls me babe, she see that future with me but we will build that in time, just give her time she said, take things slow.

What do you guys make of this? Oooh she said messing with him was like a high but she's weening off it. Lately she been giving me her full attention. So what should I do now ?

Oh the drama! Support your children, but leave her alone. Neither one of you are capable of a healthy relationship with each other. 22 and 4 kids?!

You sound like plan 2, if she can not find someone else, before.

Have some respect, stop chasing her, and move on with your life.

Yes, she had a son I been there for the pregnancy and stuff but not my.biological son, she was 16, but in 2012 we had a son and nine month after we were pregnant again with twin girls. She's only older than me by a few months technically a year.

Popping out babies starting at 16, living off welfare and men, any man whowill support her and her kids and put up with her disastrous life probably fromwhen she was little ­ and who knows about you? Are you the same? Do youhave a trade, a job or career, a life? If not, take some time off from thinkinglife is about trying to get meaning from another person! Ask around aboutskills training ­ what about something in the building trades, like electrician, HVAC, carpenter, plumber. You owe it to your CHILDREN. You and she need to grow up. She probably won't, so you have to draw back.

Hmmm, I'm working security at the moment. The children live with me at the moment have been for a year now. I love my babies and I'm going to do the best for them. Its just she was my first everything. The hardest thing I ever had to do was let go of someone I'm in love. But most would say they don't see a relationship, they see a father and daughter relationship. I was like really ? I spent so much of my time trying to save her because I want my kids to have their mother in their life andi don't want her to do something ridiculous that prevent her time with them. I know these things are more than enough reasons, I never really had experience with this love stuff . This is my first real time. I still have a lot of growing up to do and life to live. It be tough though because I be feeling like mommy and daddy because she get real lazy or is it because that's how I spoiled her during our time.

You want to save her? You can't, that only happens in fairy tales, not real life. She has to save herself and she won't until she sees there is a real problem. The issue here is that she had her first child at the tender age of 16. She never had a chance to live her teen years, so she's doing it now.

Do you have all 4 children or only the 3 between you? You have no obligation to the first child. Also, does she pay you child support? Is this custody arrangement court ordered?

You have the kids and you work, so where is she? Does she contribute and help you play mommy AND daddy? How does she support herself? Love is great when it's working, but this isn't working at all so forget that love crap and handle your business like a responsible mommy and daddy should.

You both have screwed up, and made a mess, you have kids, and need to clean it up for THEM, whether you are together, or never get back together. You need a plan that works, and doesn't depend on love, and if you cannot get one together, the court can and will act in the best interest of the children.

I really do need more info as to the finances and living arrangements rather than the messed up emotional turmoils of two kids, with kids, who are lost in themselves. YOU need to figure out a way to handle your business in an orderly fashion, with or without her, but for sure not dependent on her.

Get beyond the sex, and promises, they are meaningless and distracting, and lose the guilt, and shame of past bad behavior on YOUR part. Deal with what you have TODAY, and please answer the simple questions above.

You are hardly the only one who has gone down this road of a broken relationship with kids involved, and they find a way, and eventually, so will you.

How can you work security (usually at least a 40 hr/week job) and be sole parent, as well as make enough to support 3 or 4 kids? Sorry to quiz you about the nuts and bolts but they are important.

The reason I can work security is because I have my parents watch them for me while I work, and to answer the other question I have all 4 of them because they aren't to be separated,I raised my step son and Hus father bailed on him. My parents give me the chance to save up and save up and save up, I am a fire arm officer, make 20 an hour just going to each MTA MetroCard machine. No she doesn't pay anything at all. I have my entire evening with the kids. I work all.morning and afternoon. I know my focus is my children I better get even more focused. Its just I step away and she come find me and tell me these things and I let them get to me. Ah! I feel like I lead myself on now because I should know better now. I use to think perhaps I'm paying for that dark period and I don't get too mad because I know she hasn't had much time to live her life at all. I don't trip for that reason she didn't get to have a fun childhood it was always school and home. So she living it up now. The naive thing I did was hold on to the words "forever" so when told that I engrave it in my heart and I'm ready.

Thank you very much for all that background. I'm glad that you are the father and parent of these lucky children.
My only advice is to take her wish to be back in your life slowly. Be blunt. She has to prove that she can work on being more adult and responsible. Write a contract if you think that might work, like a parent putting chores on the wall. She may spend years refusing to give up the 'fun' she didn't get. But children means she has to. Or else she doesn't get to be their mother.
As for your hurting heart, take deep breaths, tell yourself over and over why she is the way she is, love your children and watch their love and happiness, enjoy what you can. You are still so young and stlll have many years to think about finding a woman who isn't all screwed up.

Thank you so much, I never really been too much of an emotional person until I met her. I waited 4 years to be with her I know silly but she was worth the wait for me I seen her in 9th grade, finally got her senior year I even wanted her when she as pregnant with my step son when she broke up with that guy before but she said no you deserve to live your life and no get messed up with mine. I wanted to treat her better practically all my life X.X I will tell myself that. Thank you guys and thank you Joypulv. My heart just never learned how to give up on anything it believed in

Glad you have your parents in your corner, but I suggest you handle your business like she will never come back from her vacation from responsibility. I suggest the relationship has changed from love to STRICTLY BUSINESS, just so your heart can heal, and you can find peace and happiness for yourself.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst, but no more begging for her to return, or sex with her. She uses it to keep you a confused moron, and no, that childhood of no fun is NO EXCUSE for bad behavior.

Stand up for yourself friend, and stop falling for her crap. Just in case she never grows up and accepts her responsibilities. You have children to protect. Curious as to what your parents say about what you should do about her?

Your call but the heart should be ignored in favor of the facts your brain is telling you.

You're right! Its time I get it together, I have 4 little ones that need me more than anyone. Thanks I'll do just that

I wish you much luck, and think it will get better as you get better. You have much to get better for.

I had to add that I can bet she had her fun with her boyfriend who got her pregnant in HS! In addition I have a feeling she may come back pregnant again, since you have already shown not only a willingness to forgive her, but will raise a child that's not yours, or worse believe it is yours.

Again, don't have sex with her guy, you have more kids than you can handle already, and obviously she has too many. It would be foolish to fall for the never had a fun childhood in light of what's going on. She should be having fun with her husband and family.

Truth be told I examine her all the time she has these cravings, mood swings and her body is doing things that only a pregnant woman would do but I keep silent. Her back only hurts when she is pregnant, one time she started crying out of nowhere. She constant craving beef patties I keep quiet but one thing that's going to sound weird but pregnant woman has a specific scent when pregnant radiating from them when they urinate and I smelled it strong coming from the bathroom. I know this because my mother gave off the smell when I was little when having my little sister and my kids mother gave off the scent when with both pregnancies and o smell it now. Um yeah now if this is that guys kid then wow , I wouldn't know what to say. She got an appointment to be checked march 13 but she doubt she pregnant but it radiates heavy from.her pores with the first son my son, I told her "you're pregnant" and she says no I'm not the doctor told her she wasn't either and I said yes you are trust me!!! You are and it turn out I was right, no pregnancy test needed. And she giving that scent off strong and she been eating alot, but she has IUD but it seem like it has defenses has been penetrated

My children's mother have broke up with me after 4 years because of a dark period in our relationship I was stressed about not being able to take care of her and the kids so I shut her out. Ok I'll explain the rest later but she has been talking to this drug dealer and he recently pushed her into the wall. And she think she could be pregnant with his or my baby and he told her if she kill the baby that he will.hurt me so she is scared and feel like she has to be miserable with him to keep me safe and she was crying last night. I told her don't worry about me I'll be fine, she then tells me that she don't deserve me because after all this time I still strive to try to make sure she is loved somewhere. Although she got herself into this loop I feel like I did something wrong. Listen I need her to he safe she is my kids mother.I also said this make my dark period seem like a cake walk huh? She suddenly appreciate all I've done for her. Hmm should I let time go one and do my thing and see what happens ? I was ready to hurt this guy but she told me to trust her that he will grow tired in time. Even the most harsh answers I'm ready for but seriously this is too far. I really do love her even after 4 years and all this.

I wouldn't trust her judgement for Schitt!! Nor believe any of her CRAP!! She either comes home to stay, or she stays in the crap she made. Not tomorrow, NOW.

I cut my loses because my kids don't deserve this baby mama, nor should you invest another thought to this dimwit. Get custody legally and she gets gone.

Baby mama... what a joke, on YOU!

You know what you're actually right, I just want her to be all right because god forbid she get a black eye or something how will I allow her to face the kids

So this is definitely some bs? She called me and said emergency. So let her go.down her path and I go down mine would be the wise choice ?

Emergency? Like what?

If it was me, I would let her sink...but I have been told that I am cold that way (been burned too many times before).

That she might be pregnant and that he told her if she get an abortion he will leave me disabled. So she trying to protect me. I got angry I was ready to get this guy wiped off the earth however I'm not a violent man but that made me have so many violent thoughts and plans. Sigh she then told me that she has to be nice and submissive to get him off her trail about pregnancy. I said no you don't just he yourself. That threat is still bugging me I want to see this guy asap. I need to understand that words are words but that threat is just ing with me like crazy. I have thus urge to get to him on her day off. Ugh but I know I have Kids to worry about

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Originally Posted by jaron1212

You know what you're actually right, I just want her to be all right because god forbid she get a black eye or something how will I allow her to face the kids

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You call the cops and be done with it. For sure she wasn't think of you and the kids when she left and got with a dope dealer and had his baby(?).

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She called me and said emergency

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If she isn't coming home, she is on her own. This is nothing but more whacked out BS!

Ok I got it for sure, she says if she is pregnant she going to quit her job so he don't know and she said me and her got to sit down and have a serous talk on what we going to do. That's was the last thing she said after she was hysterically crying . She is Dominican by the way

Doesn't matter what she wants to do any more my friend, she has done enough screwing up and BS decisions and actions. Take full control of your own household and family and don't let anyone, not even her. Steer you from the path that YOU think is best.

There should be no "WE" discussing anything, nor is there anything to discuss except her full compliance. Anything less is unacceptable. Sorry to be so harsh but an end to this drama is the only acceptable outcome.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Doesn't matter what she wants to do any more my friend, she has done enough screwing up and BS decisions and actions. Take full control of your own household and family and don't let anyone, not even her. Steer you from the path that YOU think is best.

There should be no "WE" discussing anything, nor is there anything to discuss except her full compliance. Anything less is unacceptable. Sorry to be so harsh but an end to this drama is the only acceptable outcome.

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Thanks man! Hmm she messaged me saying she love me and wish me a good night and to text her in the morning or she will text me. I didn't text back at all. It hurts not to but I know what you're saying is to better myself . Thank you

Your only 'people job' is your kids. You can't parent her, nor stop everything about her from being revealed to the kids. She is their mother, even if kept from seeing them for now. You can't really hide who she is in the long run.

It's OK to admit to yourself that you still care about her very much. We can love people who we can't always be around.

It seems neither one of you put the needs of your children first, at any time, including now. I hear nothing about their well-being, or how emotionally stable they are, with daddy coming and going, and the druggie boyfriend in and out, and broken bottles to assault with... good grief.

If you want to be a parent to your children, then smarten the hell up. Get yourself to court and establish visitation. Provide a safe, loving, stable home for them. Feed them well, take part in their education, know who their teachers are, establish solid relationships with their friends parents, their doctor, dentist, etc. BE A FATHER.

If you need to work three jobs to provide what a good father needs to provide for his children, do it. Put yourself and your dark moods, and confusion about your ex, on the very back burner, and leave it there.

Establish what is safe, first. If she is in an abusive relationship as you indicate, or a potentially volatile situation that could scar them for life, more than they have already been damaged by the two of you 'parents', get custody.

Do what you have to do to support your children, all the way around. THEN start thinking about a relationship- with your ex, or with anybody else.

They must come first, and you have a lot of work to do that much, ahead of you.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

It seems neither one of you put the needs of your children first, at any time, including now. I hear nothing about their well-being, or how emotionally stable they are, with daddy coming and going, and the druggie boyfriend in and out, and broken bottles to assault with... good grief.

If you want to be a parent to your children, then smarten the hell up. Get yourself to court and establish visitation. Provide a safe, loving, stable home for them. Feed them well, take part in their education, know who their teachers are, establish solid relationships with their friends parents, their doctor, dentist, etc. BE A FATHER.

If you need to work three jobs to provide what a good father needs to provide for his children, do it. Put yourself and your dark moods, and confusion about your ex, on the very back burner, and leave it there.

Establish what is safe, first. If she is in an abusive relationship as you indicate, or a potentially volatile situation that could scar them for life, more than they have already been damaged by the two of you 'parents', get custody.

Do what you have to do to support your children, all the way around. THEN start thinking about a relationship- with your ex, or with anybody else.

They must come first, and you have a lot of work to do that much, ahead of you.

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They haven't met this druggie boyfriend and I'm not in and out of their life, they live with me 100% which was court ordered because she use excessive force when disciplined our oldest (my step son) so that have all 4

Whatever feelings you have DO NOT ignore all the FACTS.

It's been a week - how is it going?

When she tells you about staying with a drug dealer who hurts her and will hurt you, she is trying to get you to fight with him. This happens with people who grew up seeing nothing but fighting and daily drama. They never learned about love, so they think love is all that. That being hurt is a sign that someone cares. You CAN'T live that way, or let the kids learn that.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

It's been a week - how is it going?

When she tells you about staying with a drug dealer who hurts her and will hurt you, she is trying to get you to fight with him. This happens with people who grew up seeing nothing but fighting and daily drama. They never learned about love, so they think love is all that. That being hurt is a sign that someone cares. You CAN'T live that way, or let the kids learn that.

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I've been better, they won't learn that way trust. She sees this guys true colors and all of a sudden is more lovey dovey toward me. He finally disrespected her and now I look like prince charming. Anyway it's all right I find myself missing her etc but I don't let it get in the way of the things that are important. Just my internal conflicts.

Good job.

Don't forget that at some time you need to deal with official matters regarding the children, in court. Were you married? Are there court ordered arrangements? If she has proof that one child is not your biological one, and you never adopted, she can just take that child, for one thing.

Just something to consider... would she benefit from time in rehab? Is that a concern? It could help her change her life around, in more ways than one, if it is. Certainly counseling might be suggested to help her deal with her past and better prepare her for her future.

Demand no less good behavior, and good orderly direction from her, as you demand of yourself. If you cannot help her, and seems you cannot, demand she get help to get on a good path.

I understand conflicting emotions and inner turmoil, but she has not earned the benefit of trusting her words, and actions in my book, so if you do trust, make sure you verify.

Maybe couple counseling benefits you, but you make sure your ducks are in a row legally just in case. It's a long process for sure. One day, one step at a time.