Ask Me Help Desk - [When] should I tell her I'm bi?

[When] should I tell her I'm bi?

Hi

I'm new to this site. I'm a 27-year-old bisexual male living in a very conservative society, which accepts/approves only heterosexuality as the norm. As a consequence, I haven't come out to anyone. I haven't had a real relationship with either gender, so I really need your advice on my story:

Two weeks ago, my brother's wife set up a date with a classmate of hers. We have met twice so far, as well as texted each other pretty often. We like each other, and have decided to give it a chance for, say, a relationship as well. The problem is that if things evolve for the better, then I'll have to deal with the issue of bisexuality too.

You may rightly say, and I fully agree, that "honesty is the best policy", so as to not build a relationship on lies and secrets but I'm, at the same time, refrained from doing that, as she may dump (and maybe also humiliate) me, and "report" - in revenge or something - to my brother's wife about my situation.

I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. So, [at what phase] should I really be open to her?

Your input is highly valued.

If your relationship progresses to a serious exclusive one, but at this point it's really none of her business. Or if you are telling her about yourself this might be something she'd want to know. If you think telling her will create a problem in the family, don't let the relationship go any further..

If you are planning to have a serious relationship and a monogamous one, what would you being bi matter? Many bi people feel it's okay to cheat with the other sex because it's not the same sex. Cheating is cheating, so if you are planning to explore both, she deserves to know. If you are not truly bi, then having a relationship with the opposite sex is very difficult. Trust me, I know.

Thanks for the advice. Well, I am not a 50/50 bi guy, especially physically/sexually speaking. The hitch is that, I believe, I couldn't stop myself having sex with men, at least from time to time.

If you can't stop yourself, you might want to reconsider a relationship with a woman who is a family friend. Cheating is cheating. Doesn't matter if it's with a man or a woman.

Unless you are prepared to be 100% monogamous, keep it light and friendly.

Thanks for the advice. Well, I am not a 50/50 bi guy, especially physically/sexually speaking. The hitch is that, I believe, I couldn't stop myself having sex with men, at least from time to time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by adrion

Thanks for the advice. Well, I am not a 50/50 bi guy, especially physically/sexually speaking. The hitch is that, I believe, I couldn't stop myself having sex with men, at least from time to time.

Yeah, you already said that. If you aren't prepared to be monogamous, don't get in too deep. Keep it friendly.

Quote:

I am not a 50/50 bi guy, especially physically/sexually speaking. The hitch is that, I believe, I couldn't stop myself having sex with men, at least from time to time.

So you are 50/50 then? Since this is a family friend, and you don't want it known to your family, cut ties with her. It will only come to bite you in the butt.

The emotional part is what you will struggle with. And she will be able to tell you aren't 100% into the relationship emotionally.

Why not just be 100% gay and be done with it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by adrion

Thanks for the advice. Well, I am not a 50/50 bi guy, especially physically/sexually speaking. The hitch is that, I believe, I couldn't stop myself having sex with men, at least from time to time.

So, given that she's my sister-in-law's friend, it's better to leave it at this, as it'd be riskier for me...

Oliver 2011 I feel pretty comfortable with a male but I also think that I'm missing something out there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by adrion

So, given that she's my sister-in-law's friend, it's better to leave it at this, as it'd be riskier for me...

That's a no brainer unless you want her to come out for you.

If your family doesn't know your secret, why should a stranger who you don't really know, but just dating? I would wait until you get to a more serious point in this relationship since there is no exclusive commitment. You can date whom you please being single. However I have found that, bi, or straight, or whatever, some take a dim view of dating others while you date them.

You don't want a family drama about YOUR secret, then get real with your family before you bring in a stranger, that your family knows well enough to set you up with. Until then, keep your mouth shut.

Ok.. thanks a lot for your sensible judgment and thoughts.

As long as you are making a good decision for you, then do what you want. But I would be concerned if you were allowing your conservative society and family to make that decision for you. I did that for years and I can tell you it's very difficult to keep a façade on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by adrion

So, given that she's my sister-in-law's friend, it's better to leave it at this, as it'd be riskier for me...

Oliver 2011 I feel pretty comfortable with a male but I also think that I'm missing something out there.

You're right.. Thanks a million, all of you guys.

I am curious as to where you live. It seems odd that in this day and age, at least in Canada, that you are not free to explore your own sexuality, as an adult, in an accepting society- at least not stay hiding 'in the closet' as they say.

I am wondering where your fear of coming out, comes from in other words. Is it more a family consideration/problem? Or perhaps religious? Or, is it more that your own fear prevents you from being 'out' and honest.

Trust me, when you are taught that your sexuality is horrid, disgusting, wrong, anti-God, etc. coming out is difficult anywhere.

True enough Oliver, but getting to the 'why' and what stops him, would be helpful in offering advice.

And, he hasn't told a living soul, so nobody knows- how does he know how people will respond.

Apparently Jake, you don't live in a location that is not tolerant.

I'm in the U.S. Deep south. Bad juju where I come from. To "come out" could be very detrimental.

So do I

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Life can be made very hard when you decide to live openly, and expect to live freely.

Welcome to America!

Wow. How sad is that person. And would she throw her child out if she had a gay child. Or better yet - send them to therapy to get cured.

Jake.. thanks for your input. As to your curiosity... Where I live in Europe, it's unacceptable, socially speaking, for a male to lead an open "gay" life. Luckily, you don't get killed --as far as I know --for being gay. Also, it's tough for the latter to fit into/adjust to a lifestyle different than the "appropriate" heterosexual role model.

Quote:

Originally Posted by adrion

Thanks for the advice. Well, I am not a 50/50 bi guy, especially physically/sexually speaking. The hitch is that, I believe, I couldn't stop myself having sex with men, at least from time to time.

Then you need to leave serious relationships with women alone. Don't get involved with someone close to the family

Ok.. I guess you put your finger it. Thanks everybody for the valuable input.