Is there anyone out there that can help stop my heart from being in love with a married man. Have been having an affair with my boss for 2 years now. Guess I really can't call it an affair. Never takes me anywhere and never buys me stuff for Christmas, Valentine's or Birthday. Best word for it would be f**k buddies, sadly. Anyway, the lust is gone and now my emotions are trying to take over. I want him, I love him and now have become sad and blue and all alone. Everything I have checked out on the web about married men is true. I know, deep down, I deserve more and better than this. He stepped into my life when I was very alone and not feeling very desirable. Any words would be appreciated.

The best way to get over him is to break it off right away. He is married and you are the other woman...He oviously dosn't care for you becuase he never takes you out...and only wants you for sex. I am sorry that you are in this situation.

Sweetie,
I hope for your sake that you did not come to this board for support of what you are doing. I am sure it is tough for you, but remember you are the other woman in this. And please be prepared for some rather harsh (but truthful) responses.

Tell him to leave you alone, and never bother you again and if a professional is needed to deal with your issues, then get one. You made a big mistake and as you see it was a dead end street. If you want to, you can heal but it's a lot of work.

You need to end this relationship. You are having sex with a married man, who then goes home to his wife and possibly his kids and lives a different life with them. You are just this bit on the side, something to use, like a toy or a new gadget. He doesn't love you, he is using you for sex, and you are letting him. Break it off with him, find another job, and try not to make the same mistake next time. That is the best advice I can give!

Just end it, cold turkey, don't talk, write or see him again... in a few months the attraction will fade and you can find someone who does have the time for you since he won't have a wife or other girlfriend on the side.

NO sympathy here. You are like the woman who had the affair with my husband. I eventually found out. He never married her either! He married someone else after our divorce. So he was just using this other woman, to be the "other woman".

This guy is your boss? Quit your job and find another. Ask for a transfer, if possible. Get yourself reassigned to a different area where you will not see this guy.

You are not powerless and not helpless and do not need anyone holding your hand here. Which is fairly impossible to do anyway - you will do just what you want to do, no matter what anyone says here.

You said the right words to derscribe your relationship with this guy - it is sex and sex onnly. Now you want love and all that goes with that. Sorry, it is not going to come around any time soon for you, with this guy. What you have accomplsihed with messing around with a married man, is to put your own life on hold for two years. Instead of trying to meet a compatible, single man, you have bonded yourself to a guy who can never be your partner. The only thing he can offer is sex. And that is on his schedule, not yours. No special days of the year, as you have stated he neglects you.

Be wise and get wiser. Get some control back in your life. Say no to this guy and mean it. Get some self respect back.

Lustful sex or not in the beginning, it always turns out that someone (usually the woman) wants to add meaning to a sexual relationship. This will NEVER happen for the other woman. A married man is void of the ability to wine and dine you, you are a secret. So you will never feel special or loved on holidays or birthdays. Those days will be spent with his family. He will see you when there is enough time to have sex without getting caught. This was a dead end relationship from the very start. The fact that he is your boss is even worse. I say tell him it's over, stick to it. Find another job, and tell him you fully expect glowing references from him. Get yourself out of his life ENTIRELY!

I never really understand why women put themselves in these situations. At what point in our lives do we say “Mommy when I grow up I want to be some mans concubine". Please forgive me for being harsh. Now you say you are falling in love with him. Falling in love with what? Do you love him for cheating on his wife? Would you like it if you were the wife being cheated on? Do you love him for (to quote you) treating you like a whore. Do you love him because he buys his wife presents instead of getting you his mistress something? I hope you are developing a new sense of respect for yourself by ending this affair. This man you are falling in love with has reduced you to the level of a personal call girl that doesn’t get paid.

Sorry to be so blunt….but I think tuff love/advice was needed here.

Parrothead, below is the post I placed in Lilliandiana's post where you posted a comment as well.

Question: So, if he bought you stuff on your birthday and Christmas and Valentines day, would that change things? That shows he cares?? That he doesn't pay for stuff like that means that you're just not getting paid for your services like the professionals do.


"Lilli and Parrothead- After reading both of your posts, I can see that you are in a lose-lose situation. You lose, the families of these men lose, it's not good any way you slice it. Affection and the desire to have someone love you and spend time with you (and even some money) is a strong pull, but it should never be strong enough to draw you and keep you into a bad and immoral sitaution.

Ladies, I can appreciate that you're taking steps to grow and leave these men behind, but pulling away slowly probably isn't the best method. I think that every moment that you spend by their side is good for them, but not you and certainly not their family. When you've made the decision that you will not participate in crap like this, you walk away. When you step on dog poop, do you keep the shoe on and wipe it away slowly? Probably not. You take the shoe off as quick as your hands will allow and hose it off outside before bringing the shoe inside and throwing it in your washer, right??? Why would we act so quickly to be rid of a stench in our shoe, yet we are indecisive about saving our dignity, our soul? If we found a cancer in our bodies, we'd have a surgeon remove it immediately before it spreads and does more damage to our bodies, to avoid irreparable harm.

There's another book, "10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up their Lives" by Laura Schlessinger. I know she can be blunt and harsh, but sometimes, that's what we need to get our attention. The shame is that alot of times, we won't read these books because we're afraid of seeing ourselves in them, yet that is what we desperately need.

I say we, because I'm a woman, not because I've ever cheated on my husband or even contemplated it. I think I chose my husband very wisely. I met lots of available men who were attractive to me, were fun, handsome, good listeners, yet they were missing something and I ended up paying the price for it. After so many heartbreaks, I made the choice to choose! Yep, choose my man. That meant that just cause he was flirting or was interested in me and showing me attention, that I didn't have to go out with him. I held out until I found one who was worthy in every way that was important to me. He had to have all the qualities that I thought were essential. Would he make a good partner, friend, father??? Did he share in my ethics, morals and values? Did he believe that committment, honesty and communication was key in a relationship? Were our differences going to enhance each other or cause problems later? It took a while, but when I found him, that was it.


Choose. We choose our clothes more carefully than we choose our men! What's up with that? Choose. Choose to walk away and not look back, no matter the sob story or promises. These men are not trustworthy and don't really care how sad or depressed or undignified these affairs make you feel. Don't mess with married men, ever, for any reason. If they are unhappy, if their wife doesn't understand them, if they only married her cause she was pregnant or stayed cause she got pregnant, WHATEVER the scenario, it doesn't change the fact that they are MARRIED. It doesn't mean it's just a piece of paper. The decision to sign that paper, to make holy vows in front of God and others makes that paper very different and very special. If they chose not to be men of their word and signature, then that is a huge character flaw."

I know you are here for advice, although I think you know what you should do - But I have a question for you -

When you first met this man - Did it ever bother you that he was married? Did you notice the ring on his finger? Does the commitment and bond of marriage mean anything to you?

I am asking you these questions - not to judge you - but to TRY and understand what you were thinking before you stepped into adultery.
I have been the wife in this scenario and it is so hard to understand what is going through the mind of "the other woman" - Do you ever really expect this kind of relationship to workout?

I honestly think the other woman is a victim of a predator, the cheating, lying, no caring husbands. There may be a lot that of females that know what they are doing and don't care, but I think a lot of them have severe problems that prevent them from making good decisions.

You know, I don't know that I could say that the other woman is a victim. If the fact that the man is married is known from the beginning - she had the choice to either start something or walk away. No one is making them answer their doors and have a quickie with man before he goes home to his wife.
***I AM NOT saying that the married man is innocent AT ALL*** I am saying that when an affair is started - choices are made on both sides.
And, I do agree that some have bad problems - but it doesn't take away the gravity of what 2 people in an affair are doing to a host of other people.

I am a man and from my perspective I suggest you break the relationship off because, a slong as you allow him to continue the relationship at the rate its going you are going to come up very short. A REAL RELATIONSHIP takes a man and a woman committing to each other. What we are suggesting will be difficult but it has to be done. I hope you find yourself a more meaningful relationship with a guy who loves you very much.

Snap I am in the same boat honey!

Thing is I am now going through divorce proceedings and he is still going home to his family at weekends.We have been seeing each other for a year and drive each other to distraction with the depth of our feelings.I cannot ansa why he has not drummed up the courage to leave but it is one excuse after another, his son is taking his exams, his wife is ill.We have both lost people over the last year and to me that should tell us that life is too short but he still stumbles.I know that I will eventually give up hope and probably just at the time he is ready to commit, we also have a 13 year age gap which makes it difficult as his wife has convinced him I will leave him as he gets older.

What will be will be live each day as if it were your last and enjoy/ absorb every second you get together it is very rare to experience a love that drives you to so much distraction.

My man gave me an analogy the other day which moved me to tears I shall share it with you as it might help,


When he and I came back to the uk from our week in the states we decided to go for a swim, problem was we stood at the edge of the pool and realised that neither of us could, eventually I pluck up the courage and jump in the pool ( this is when I asked my husband to leave) I splash around as I cannot swim ( the struggle of the divorce) all the while my new man stands at the side of the pool ( stunned at the affect our relationship is having on others) I eventually learn to swim and swim to the other end of the pool , he stands at the edge in pure pain watching me swim away ( the feeling of uselessness as he cannot heal the pain my family are feeling at being torn apart) eventually I climb out of the pool and walk away, he writhing with pain at being so far away jumps into the pool and instantly swims , panicking at every stroke as he reaches the other end I am gone!


Good luck with all you do but sadly I fear we will both be let down.

Does he have children? If he doesn't then. If you know were he lives,and his wife is home tell her that her husband is going out to eat,then say so you can go get a tan. Don't say but do this get on a braw and thongs,and when he gets home{ he really wasn't at a place to eat.} try too have sex, and see if he likes your body?

I'm sorry and I know you know this but he really isn't the one for you. I'm going to be honest, I don't know how you feel but I know you feel crappy right now :( I'm sorry. Gosh he is so not worth it. That loser.

Something I guess I missed. If you had sex and if there is an emotional component to this... its an affair, no two ways around it. Like I said earlier, its best to end it cold turkey, before it causes either of you problems you don't need or want.

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Originally Posted by Parrothead101

Is there anyone out there that can help stop my heart from being in love with a married man. Have been having an affair with my boss for 2 years now. Guess I really can't call it an affair. Never takes me anywhere and never buys me stuff for Christmas, Valentine's or Birthday. Best word for it would be f**k buddies, sadly. Anyway, the lust is gone and now my emotions are trying to take over. I want him, I love him and now have become sad and blue and all alone. Everything I have checked out on the web about married men is true. I know, deep down, I deserve more and better than this. He stepped into my life when I was very alone and not feeling very desireable. Any words would be appreciated.

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I had an affair from the age of 24 till 32 with a married man. I am also currently seeing someone who is married, but not as serious as it was before. I know that I have a problem with relationships, since I seem to be overly attracted to the already married man. Perhaps it is because I know not to expect much so I'll never get my heart broken or be disappointed. Afraid to let myself be hurt, which is what can happen in a "normal" relationship. I've had my heart terribly broken by a man I lived with for 8 years.
As far as the married man goes, my married man smothered me with gifts, mink coat, rolex watch, car, clothes, money, you name it. It was however,as though he had bought an paid for me, and I just had to accept it and enjoy it for what it is. I would never go back and change things, as I got five trips to Europe out of it. If you would just take advice from someone who has been there... Do not expect anything. He is not going to leave his wife. He will keep using you for as long as you allow it. If you are getting nothing out of it, I'd move along. He cheated on his wife, and very slickly. He will cheat on you too as soon as he is sufficiently bored. It's only a matter of time, Save Yourself
And get out while you are still young. I spent many years being secretive, avoiding friends and protecting him. Now, I am 50, unmarried, no children and wonder what my life might have been like if I had been in a normal relationship.

Get yourself a fresh manicure and new outfit. Print out a new resume and find a new job and get out of there. Start now.

You are allowing yourself to be used and only you can stop it. You are worth more than this and deserve more than he will give you. Go out there and get it.

Who are you people to judge this girl? Let me remind you that SHE is the one who is single and she is NOT responsible to uphold HIS commitment. You do what your heart desires, dear; just remember to emotionally protect yourself and remember that there are others out there.

I had an affair with a married man for 8 years. His horse just won the Preakness, and I still have feelings for him. He however, has moved along to greener pastures. Younger girl, etc.
Just remember, if he does this to his wife, he WILL do it to you.
Staying in it if you are getting gifts and cool perks is one thing, but if he doesn't even buy you stuff, that sucks. He is out for sex and sex alone. Cut him off now. You deserve more
And maybe you don't feel you do, but you'll get over him. Try to get him to write you a glowing letter of recommendation while you are still in his good graces, then look for another job FAST. Get out, find someone who loves you, I wasted a lot of time.

Married men? Ask me and I'll tell you all about them. They suck(in every sense of the word)... To you they will tell all sordid stories about their wives and as soon as they realize they have a grip on you, they treat you no more than a whore... if you want to be treated like one, then sure.. stay there... but if not, then get out of it asap before life turns ugly... their lust usually doesn't last longer for one person... and they love to hang their tongues out at every other lass they find... they need variety for their sexual outlet... as soon as you will show your emotional quotient to them, they will be nowhere to be seen... they'll fly away in a second... will lead you on for a few days and then disappear leaving you in a lurch... also I recommend, you read what Ruby Pitbull wrote as an answer to my post coupla days ago... I too realized how true everyone in the forum was, and got out of the mess before I wrecked myself. I am stronger and strived through it... so suggest you live life with dignity. Be good to yourself.

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Originally Posted by jodywrnr

Who are you people to judge this girl? Let me remind you that SHE is the one who is single and she is NOT responsible to uphold HIS commitment. You do what your heart desires, dear; just remember to emotionally protect yourself and remember that there are others out there.

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BUT she is a willing participant in this knowing full well he's married. That makes her every bit as responsible as he is. If she did not know then it would be different.

Now if that's all you want... someone who doesn't want commitment or be around all the time, then fine. But you can't sugar coat the facts to absolve yourself from it because you are single and he is not when you know for a fact he is married and you continue.

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Originally Posted by jodywrnr

Who are you people to judge this girl? Let me remind you that SHE is the one who is single and she is NOT responsible to uphold HIS commitment. You do what your heart desires, dear; just remember to emotionally protect yourself and remember that there are others out there.

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Are you crazy! She is just a guilty as he is and is enabling him to be a cheater, to the degradation of her self and the harm it causes others. Some people feel very strongly about a person stuck on stupid, and know it to the harm of others, and if she doesn't care about anyone but her self, why should we be sympathetic to her plight, since she chooses to sit in her own shat.

In love with a married man? Please listen to 'Elephant' by Damien Rice!

By the way, please find a dictionary and look up the definition of love. You are only feeling needy right now and he is showing attention that you need, he is also an authority figure and you can have him in a lot of trouble for sexual harassment if you want.
If you want to break it off, be strong, tell him you will go to his higher ups an complain that he has used his authority to take advantage of this situation where you are weak and he is got the strong upper hand. It is not right. Of course he will tell you his wife doesn't understand him, it is a sham, etc... but he is a liar, plain and simple. You deserve better and I know what it feels like to spend all the holidays alone, and when he is on vacation with her, and you can't call him at home or go to his house, or be seen in public,
Or tell your friends or have common friends, it is no life to live. I think the most important thing you can do right now is go talk to a therapist, have someone recommend someone. I did, an it helped enormously.

Ok I'm just going to say a few things...
Diya-you make it sound like all married men are evil. Not just you do that, but many people. Let me just say that I may not legally be married, but personally I think once sex is brought into a relationship your bodies are married. Not too many people want to believe that because who holds sex highly anymore? Hardly anyone. I may be 21 and not too bright yet, but I know for a fact that just because one husband is a low-life not all are. My fiancé of 3 years would never do anything like that. I would never sleep with another man either. I've done wrong in the past by talking to guys online because I was lonely and depressed. But people change and make mistakes.
Moving on, Lindee I don't agree with the way your coming across. I don't think you understand that what you've done and any ''other'' women do is wrong. I'm confussed, you seem to know in your heart that it is wrong, however you continue down this path. If you know the fire is going to hurt, why step into it again? Just because you don't want to get hurt? I've been hurt my whole life, I know what it's like. My dad was a bad man, yelled at me and verbally abusive. My life sucked till I put myself OUT of that. You and 101 need to do that. First off, do you want to die a failure? Die alone, used and abused? Do you not want to do some good for your life or world? For any women, relationships CAN be scary. I've been there. But if you meet a guy who seems genuinly nice, who's single and interested, go out for coffee. Be yourself. You'll see men are just as scared sometime's as we are! Can you believe that? It's true. You have to be able to let yourself go, in order to give room to fall in love. Why do that to the wrong person? Your 50, enjoy life a bit! Even if you or any women doesn't end up having a truly wonderful relationship (which I can assure you is the best thing in this world) at least better yoursleves. Teach other's about your mistakes, do something for this country. Change the world. Or try. One life can touch nations you know. Anyway, on an ending note, I think some of my points needed to be touched here, but I'll tell you all this, my life has been hard, but when I met my fiancé it got good. He's lifted a lot of my burdens and carried them until I could. He's taught me about life, love and a lot more and I used to be a crappy person, but now I can actually be kind of pround of who I am. So should ALLLL of you. Do something before you die, to make yourself proud of who you are, or what you've done. All I can say is without love, I really wouldn't be here right now. Some of you may know why other's not. But the point is, its worth the risk for love. But healthy true love, not this. So good luck to you all. I hope you find happiness that will wipe your sadness away. :-)

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Are you crazy! She is just a guilty as he is and is enabling him to be a cheater, to the degradation of her self and the harm it causes others. Some people feel very strongly about a person stuck on stupid, and know it to the harm of others, and if she doesn't care about anyone but her self, why should we be sympathetic to her plight, since she chooses to sit in her own shat.

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We should be sympathetic to her plight because she asked complete strangers for help. Don't you wonder why she didn't ask a friend? Think about this, now maybe this isn't how it went, but it could have.
It's 4 am and she has to leave for work at 7am. She can't sleep. She feels like shat because she doesn't know what to do. Her emotions are overwhelming and she needs to talk. She's not sure she can get through the next day. She doesn't have anyone to talk to. She goes on the internet.
That is why we should be sympathetic. Because she is alone and miserable. Another human being in pain. She doesn't need to know she screwed up. She needs kindness.

Oh, I'm sympathetic... problem is I can understand how she got into this and how hard it is to make the decisions needed to get out of it.

OH, I'm not saying I am doing that, Because I'm not. But I do understand the conditions that can foster that starting. And the longer it goes on the harder it is to walk away like she needs to. Familiar situations tend to cloud ones judgment. She is used to this, even though she knows what she must do its hard to go from the known and familiar to the unknown.

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Originally Posted by jodywrnr

We should be sympathetic to her plight because she asked complete strangers for help. Don't you wonder why she didn't ask a friend? She needs kindness.

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If you reread all my posts here I have been sympathetic, and honest. I saw no reason not to as I thought she was sincere in her wish to change. My last post, the one you quote me on was for you.

This is a man who cheats on his wife - someone he took vows with and swore to love honor and cherish till death do they part. Do you honestly think that even if he left his wife for you he would be faithful to you. WAKE UP and get out now

I can't knock you for being in love with a married man, I am too. He takes me out and buys me thinngs though. You need to tell him no romance without finance honey. The Lord puts us in situatiions at times to test us. Have you told him that your feelings are hurt when he doesn't do tyhings for you on special occasions that mean something to you? A closed mouth doesn't get fed. He will do for you just stop sleeping with him after you confront him about these things and see what happens.

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Originally Posted by brownskinnedone

I can't knock you for being in love with a married man, I am too. He takes me out and buys me thinngs though. You need to tell him no romance without finance honey. The Lord puts us in situatiions at times to test us. Have you told him that your feelings are hurt when he doesnt do tyhings for you on special occassions that mean something to you? A closed mouth doesnt get fed. He will do for you just stop sleeping with him after you confront him about these things and see what happens.

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I think your being tested by the Lesser god, and you passed with this sick statement.

Let me describe all the possitive aspects that stem from sleeping with my boss who is married,. OK none!

Sorry honey, no sympathy here. You knew he was married and you were with him anyway. What did you think was going to happen? He was going to leave his wife? Never. Wake up - quit your job if you have to. Tell him you will sue him for sexual harassment.

Don't be the one to break up a married couple... you don't want that on you conscious. You sound like a sweet person... Mr. Right is waiting for u

Just wanted to say that we are in the same situation. I've been involved with a married man for about 4 years now, on and off. It started as lust but now it's love, sadly. I wished I stopped seeing him in the beginning when it was much easier to let go but no he didn't want to and more fool me I agreed to continue the relationship, now it's really hard to let go. At most times, he's really good to me but I know it's not enough. I hate it that I can't always call or see him (we don't work together), more or less everything is on his terms and I hate the effect he has on me. He can be a jerk at times, like when the wife is hassling me and of course I'll need to talk to him but all of a sudden he's busy and he'll call back ASAP, but sometimes he doesn't then after a month or so he'll call again as if nothing is wrong. I've tried to let go but every time he calls I'm sure to answer his calls then it'll start again. Any ideas anyone?

Cold Turkey... walk away, yeah its going to hurt for a bit... but that's the most quick way to get it over with.