Ask Me Help Desk - How to find a partner when you are young with two kids?

How to find a partner when you are young with two kids?

I am 23 next month and have a three year old ans a two year old. I lost my virginity to their father and still love him. He was emotionally abusive.
A little about me. I am 5'10", 140 lbs, bust-41" waist-28" hips-43", 34DD, half american indian half irish. I have green eyes and large pouty lips. I am dorky and brainy. I like anime, dungeons and dragons, magic cards, comic books, buff the vampire slayer, video games, reading, tarrot, astrology, palmastry, etc.
I write fiction, poetry, and songs. I sing, I draw. I went to college for theatre. I love animals. I also like to party. I get told I am gorgeous but I am also verry weird.
Guys seem to reject me. The only ones who seem to like me are way below my leaugue. This sounds shallow but I am quite attractive I should be able to be with someone who is also attractive right?
If a suiter does take an interest it short lived. I can't seem to find a partner that cares about me. With all my quirks.
I get told to date older guys because they are the only ones who will deal with kids. A little over a year ago I tried. But he was old and borring. When my kids were home he would tolerate hanging around the house watching dora and playing with barbies. My kids liked him and he liked them so I thought maybe I could force myself to like him. But I never mentioned our relationship to anyone because he embarrassed me.
My kids are gone every Friday and Saturday so I want to get wild and be young. I had just turned 21. This is where we quarelled. He was pissed that on those nights the first thing I wanted to do was drink. He said he did enough drinking as a teenaager and he was over it. But I had very strict parents and had never been able to drink until I was 21 so I was loving it. So we broke up. He only appealed to my lifestyle I had when my kids were around.
I like to get so drunk I lose my shirt and forget my name but absolutely never "put out". I make guys wait for that.
Then a year later I met a guy two years younger than me. He was more experienced in life than me though. He had a son in high school that he put up for adoption and regretted it. I thought I had found the perfect match. He partied hard with me on the weekend and then spent time with my kids. He fell for me hard and then at three months broke up with me. He was jealous of my children's father. Some me and this boy remained good friends.
Then I dated another guy same situation. Babydaddy harassed him we broke up.
Then I dated another guy he adored me wanted to spend time. But didn't want to meet my kids. So I ended it.
Then I got back with my children's father. After a few months he dumped me. Says he can't stand me.
And that seems to be the common opinion. I am unlovable. I am carring and sweet but am on some meds for anxiety. I have baggage. I was abused as a child. I can't get a guy to want me for more than a one night stand. I have never consented to one. And once they realize I won't they move on.
I just want a partner to help me clean the house and pay the bills and take care of the kids. And to make sure I make it home safe from the bar. To have feelings for me and let me pick what we watch on TV. He has to be attractive and not old or annoying. I don't even have to like him. Feelings just mess me up anyway.
Why am I not the girl guys desire to date and how do I change to become that. I am sick of being undesired and uncared about.

I have seen men walk up to a beautiful woman in a bar, hit on her, and literally walk away the second she says she has kids. So that's one thing.
Another is that you are letting your ex intimidate guys. You don't seem to be over each other, even after his need to be in your kids' lives.
Third, you are a bit overdoing your looks. Telling us your measurements and how you have pouty lips when you are here asking about relationships sounds almost like you are advertising. Maybe you are attracting guys below your league because of the way you dress and act and have all your social contact in bars. If your double Ds are bursting the seams and are the first thing they see, you are going to scare a lot of good ones away.
You also seem sort of jaded about relationships when you say you just want someone to help pay the bills and let you pick the TV shows. Good grief, I'd be out of there in a day. We all have to compromise!
Try a different way to meet men, something more brainy than bars.

You are meeting men in the wrong places and it seems you want one for the wrong reason. You are advertising yourself and they are buying it for a while. It all sounds rather shallow. When you have a serious reason for a relationship, perhaps you will meet a serious person.
Sounds like you're lonely and want to party. You're young and I can understand that, but you also have kids. Do you work, take classes? Maybe you need something to do outside of your kids.
You need to get over your ex before you start trying to hook up with someone else. This is reckless and desperate behavior.

In short you are interesting person but you must get over ex. Because this new relationship will involved your kids. Your sounding like that you need fun, that's not wrong. But you have to get into more serious relationship. And such guys are rare. But certainly not impossible to get, instead of bars I guess some other places you should see and visit. Good luck.

Rural community not much else but bars. And the help pay for things part is important because my children's father never worked so I paid for everything and I won't do that again.

So you want a sugar daddy you're halfway attracted to? Why should a man help you with the care of your kids?

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Originally Posted by guiltybeautie

rural community not much else but bars. And the help pay for things part is important because my childrens father never worked so i payed for everything and I wont do that again.

And I met none of the guys at a bar by the way. I met them at a benefit, through friends, or at a tattoo party.

If you really looking forward for serious relationship then there are many sites where you can find people with similar interest and background.

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Originally Posted by guiltybeautie

and i met none of the guys at a bar btw. I met them at a benifit, through friends, or at a tattoo party.

What about taking a course or two at a community college?

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Originally Posted by joypulv

I have seen men walk up to a beautiful woman in a bar, hit on her, and literally walk away the second she says she has kids. So that's one thing.
Another is that you are letting your ex intimidate guys. You don't seem to be over each other, even after his need to be in your kids' lives.
Third, you are a bit overdoing your looks. Telling us your measurements and how you have pouty lips when you are here asking about relationships sounds almost like you are advertising. Maybe you are attracting guys below your league because of the way you dress and act and have all your social contact in bars. If your double Ds are bursting the seams and are the first thing they see, you are going to scare a lot of good ones away.
You also seem sort of jaded about relationships when you say you just want someone to help pay the bills and let you pick the TV shows. Good grief, I'd be out of there in a day. We all have to compromise!
Try a different way to meet men, something more brainy than bars.

I actually dress boyish often but I needed to add the looks part because that is not the issue. Even under a tee you can't really hide my curves.
Also I live way out in the country. All there is to do is bars. The nearest walmart or hospital is an hour away.
And guys below your leaugue are always going to be attracted to u. That's the nature of them being below u. And the help pay the bills is a later desire for when we get serious and live together. My children's father didn't work so I supported him and I won't do that again. If I guy lives with me he better pay his portion. And the let me pick part. My children's father would only listen to what he liked on the radeo and watch what he liked on the TV. It was very selfish and if I have a new partner I would like to be able to watch my shows with out it turning into a fight.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

So you want a sugar daddy you're halfway attracted to? Why should a man help you with the care of your kids?

I do not want a sugardaddy! But if a partner lives with me I expect them to pay their portion of the bills. Why should they live off me for free just because I have kids? If I didn't have kids they would be expected to help pay the bills?

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Originally Posted by guiltybeautie

I do not want a sugardaddy! But if a partner lives with me I expect them to pay their portion of the bills. Why should they live off me for free just because I have kids? If I didnt have kids they would be expected to help pay the bills?

How well will you know the guy and how long will you be dating before you invite a guy to live with you? It's not good to get your children confused with "daddies" coming and going.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

How well will you know the guy and how long will you be dating before you invite a guy to live with you? It's not good to get your children confused with "daddies" coming and going.

That's is the end goal not an immediate thing. I would say it take 6 Months to know whether you can make a it long term relation but a year before you can trust that that's what they want as well. So around a year. But to get to that point I have to become a more desirable mate. So what aspects do I need to suppress what do I need to enhance. Its obvious I need to change myself to be more attractive but how do I do that whithout changing myself too much to where I am unhappy?

I also do not wish to date a guy older than 25. I am still young and find youth attractive. I need to date a guy my age. I am sure that is also part of the problem. Young guys don't get serious often.

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Originally Posted by guiltybeautie

Its obvious I need to change myself to be more attractive but how do I do that whithout changing myself too much to where I am unhappy?

You have to focus on the other person, not on yourself. You are too egotistic at this point and too involved with how you look physically. What does your soul look like? You also have to get that ex out of your head.

I'm sorry but to let us know that your good looks isn't an issue, all you have to do is say that you are attractive. Twice now in two posts you have given your measurements, and made it clear that you like to be wild on the weekends and 'lose your shirt.' It doesn't matter that you don't put out if all the nice guys think you do.
You have also glossed right over the fact that you let your ex drive away the two guys who might have worked out. You are dwelling on where you live and what you wear.
You want to watch what you want to make up for your ex's habits. That's not fair to the nice guy who expects and has a right to compromise.
In other words, it really sounds to me anyway that there is something in you that makes excuses, and wants it this way, and you don't really want to find a nice guy.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

You have to focus on the other person, not on yourself. You are too egotistic at this point and too involved with how you look physically. What does your soul look like? You also have to get that ex out of your head.

Actually am a door mat with guys. I am quite shy and blush easy. I stated my appearance because it is a fact not an opinion and an important one because everyguy I have spoken to has stated that looks are what attracts them first, then personality.
When I say desirable I do not mean physically. I mean that a desirable mate has certain attributes. I have been told these attributes and the contradict themselves.
A man wants a girl who needs him, a man wants a girl who is independent
A man wants a girl with a career, a man wants a girl to cook and clean.
A man wants a girl who is smart, a man wants to be the smartest
A man wants a strong woman, A man wants a sweet woman
A man wants to chase, a man doesn't want to chase too hard.

A man will not be with a girl he does not find physically attractive but he will not stay if he does not find other things attractive. I am in no way egotistical. I don't wear make up or spend a lot of time doing my hair. I do not brag about my appearance. I just felt that it was relevant information in order to discount looks from being one of the possible causes.

And to be honest if I can become a more desirable life partner maybe my ex will not hate me as much. And he can be the mate I attract.

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Originally Posted by guiltybeautie

and to be honest if i can become a more desirable life partner maybe my ex will not hate me as much. And he can be the mate I attract.

Why oh why would you want him back in your life??

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Why oh why would you want him back in your life??????

I still care for him deeply. I still get butterflies. I know I'M MAD DUMB.

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Originally Posted by guiltybeautie

i still care for him deeply. I still get butterflies. I know I'M MAD DUMB.

I gave him everything you can give person and it didn't matter.

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Originally Posted by guiltybeautie

i gave him everything you can give person and it didnt matter.

That is not what a woman is supposed to do. No wonder it didn't work.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

That is not what a woman is supposed to do. No wonder it didn't work.

I can't be too giving and too selfish. You have said both about me so far? Which one is the problem. I do too much for guys or I expect too much?

And what is a woman supposed to do then because obiously I am unaware or I would not have started this thread?

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Originally Posted by guiltybeautie

i can't be too giving and too selfish. You have said both about me so far? Which one is the problem. I do to much for guys or I expect too much?

And what is a woman supposed to do then because obiously I am unaware or I would not have started this thread?

No, you can't be too giving nor can you be too selfish.

Why do you give in the first place?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

No, you can't be too giving nor can you be too selfish.

Why do you give in the first place?

I give to people because I want them to be happy.

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Originally Posted by guiltybeautie

i give to people because i want them to be happy.

And when you do that and they aren't happy, then what?

But the question at hand remains that you accused me of my problem as being selfish and then accused me of being to giving which is it?

Then you staated that that was not what a woman is supposed to do but did not state what we were supposed to do.

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Originally Posted by guiltybeautie

i gave him everything you can give person and it didnt matter.

WHY did you give him everything?

If they aren't happy then I give some more try a little harder.

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Originally Posted by guiltybeautie

if they arent happy then i give some more try a little harder.

So you are trying to buy their love?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

WHY did you give him everything?

Lost my virginity, had two kids, I supported us, I forgave him, I exhausted myself trying to keep our family alive.

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Originally Posted by guiltybeautie

lost my virginity, had two kids, I supported us, i forgave him, i exhausted myself trying to keep our family alive.

And it wasn't enough. So maybe that wasn't the right way to go.

What about YOU? You got lost in all that.

Buy their love? No but if u love someone you try and make them happy. That is just normal.

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Originally Posted by guiltybeautie

buy their love? No but if u love someone you try and make them happy. That is just normal.

Not if you are buying love. And if you lose yourself in the process, then that is not good.

How happy did he make you? Was he trying as hard?

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Originally Posted by guiltybeautie

buy their love? No but if u love someone you try and make them happy. That is just normal.

I also come from a very abusive childhood and was bullied terribly in school as well. He was the first one to notice that I wasn't what I was treated as.

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Originally Posted by guiltybeautie

i also come from a very abusive childhood and was bullied terribly in school as well. He was the first one to notice that I wasnt what I was treated as.

But he abused and bullied you too.

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Originally Posted by guiltybeautie

i also come from a very abusive childhood and was bullied terribly in school as well. He was the first one to notice that I wasnt what I was treated as.

After our child was born he didn't try at all. Our relationship became difficult and he gave up. We only lasted after that point because of me.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

But he abused and bullied you too.

He never abused me the way I was by my mother and brother who is six years my elder. There is no comparisson.

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Originally Posted by guiltybeautie

he never abused me the way I was by my mother and brother who is six years my elder. There is no comparisson.

He abused you emotionally and financially.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

He abused you emotionally and financially.

Yes but never was it even close to being as bad as I was once treated, I have horror stories.
But I already knew he was ty and I already know I am dumb for still loving him.

What I need to know is how a woman behaves to be a mate that men will desire to be theirs.

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Originally Posted by guiltybeautie

What I need to know is how a woman behaves to be a mate that men will desire to be theirs.

Now you know how not to be (giving it all away in desperation), right?

What do you have on your list so far as being a good partner?

You are shopping for a mansion in a trailer park. If you want a solid, reliable man who's going to be good for you and also take an interest in your children, viewing you as a package deal; a guy who will not be intimidated by your children's father, you need to raise the bar on your own behavior and the things you do for fun.

First, if you drink to the point that you're ready to pass out and are taking your shirt off, you have a drinking problem that needs to be addressed. You can have a lot of fun, even in bars and at parties, without presenting yourself as the town slut with this type of behavior. I'm not saying you are a slut - I'm sure not. But people believe what they see, and if they see a sloppy drunk girl taking her top off in a bar, who has small children - that's pretty sleezy behavior and it speaks to your character and self-esteem. Don't do that to yourself, you're better than that. I'm sure of it because EVERYONE is better than that.

Also, I really hope that you don't view meeting men at a tattoo party as a step up from meeting them at a bar. Seriously? I know some perfectly wonderful and classy men and women have tatoos and piercings, but you are excluding a huge percentage of the best men out there if you are going for this look and crowd. Many people find tattoos on women to be particularly trashy. And doing tatoos at a party sounds like a big mistake - it should be done in a professional studio, by a professional person, with no alcohol present.

There are plenty of good men who also have children, who have the same problem you do - finding a partner who will accept their children. You can find some of them in more family oriented interests and places. For example, there is a national organization called "parents without partners". There are also support groups for single parents at churches, community centers, etc. You can go on sites like Meetup and see if there are organizations that cater to singles with children in your area.

College is a perfect place to meet people. Community colleges and night programs often have somewhat older students, many of whom are going to community or night school programs because they have to work to support their children.

There aren't too many single fathers who care about their own children (if they don't care about theirs, they sure won't care about yours) who are looking for a woman who's at the bar taking her top off and passing out, or at a tattoo party. What a nightmare. They want a more serious, sober partner to work with toward a stable life for themselves and their kids. Try it out, it might just suit you to be out of this adolescent mess you are creating.

And incidentally, information like your bust size, height and weight is irrelevant on this site - this is not a dating site. And finding a guy based on what you look like or what he looks like is a beginner's mistake in dating as well. Being attracted to a person is important, but physical attraction doesn't make a relationship work. As my mother once told me, "if all you look for is a cute A**, that's exactly what you're going to get. A cute A**!"

At the moment not a single guy that any woman would want to date (teeth aren't black, showeres often, isn't a weirdo, not covered in hair, not obese etc.) finds me to be an attractive partner for them.

But that's fine because I don't have a romantic interest at the moment either.

If I do someday run into a guy and think wow I could fall for him. With my track reccord he won't be interested. So I am trying to fix it now before I run into that problem.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Now you know how not to be (giving it all away in desperation), right?

What do you have on your list so far as being a good partner?

My list lol?

Attractive
Charming
Funny
Carring
Loyal
Healthy
Clean
Enjoys kids
Enjoys partying on the days that kids are not around but doesn't feel like he is sacrificing to be a family man when they are around
A career
A love for body art.(I love body art)

When you don't find yourself valuable, worthwhile, classy, and a total catch, men won't either. Work on yourself. Work on building your education, advancing in a real career with long-term promise for growth. Work on your character - stop drinking and see how your life changes. Work on the quality of people you spend time with. Maybe going to play groups and parenting classes and hanging out with the kids at McDonald's playland would put you in a position to meet more mothers with small kids, who could be a new, more mature and positive peer group for you.

I don't know if you're religious but sometimes, going back to church can help a lot in rebuilding your life. I wish I had done so long before I did after I got divorced. I got great support and advice that really hit home from my parish priest, and it got me started on making some really positive changes in rebuilding my life.

Get involved in your children's activities - another great place to meet stable people - other adults with children.

And when you meet people who have relationships you admire, such as women you relate to who are in great marriages, let them know, "I want what you have - the kind of family you have. If you or your husband know solid guys who might be a good fit for me, feel free to meddle and set me up."

Again, you are not going to find premium merchandise at the dollar store - focus on meeting quality women friends - other moms, whether married or not. This will provide you a lot of support, and the right women will help you rebuild your self-esteem as well. I think right now, you probably have friends who are still stuck in acting like juvenile single fools, partying all the time. They are behind you in their stage in life. You don't have to kick them to the curb, but you need more friendds who share your stage in life as parents. Eventually your old friends will settle down and catch up to you, but until they do, maybe you limit your time out with them. Or meet them for lunch instead of heading to the bar.

Also be mindful that if your town has nothing to offer you, you can move. It takes money and planning, but having a goal can sometimes be the catalyst for making really good, responsible decisions. I wouldn't move too far from your support system, but perhaps there's a larger town nearby with a bit more to offer you. Why not?