No one will date me, talk to me, not even look at me. Is it because I am black?
Should I Michael Jacksonize myself to become at least visible or remain invisible forever?
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No one will date me, talk to me, not even look at me. Is it because I am black?
Should I Michael Jacksonize myself to become at least visible or remain invisible forever?
I think your problem is more to do with low self esteem and bad self image.
The colour of your skin has NOTHING to do with this at all.
Yes! Being black definitely makes it harder to date.
The dating site OKcupid analyzed data from its own users and found that skin color influenced how likely people were to respond to messages. You can read it here:
How Your Race Affects The Messages You Get OkTrends
You will have to overcome this handicap and people's stereotypes about what you are like.
I don't think being black has anything do with it. Do you dress nicely? Well groomed? Having a good attitude and being confident in yourself will help more than anything.
Attitude is the thing , no matter what color you are.
To: curlyben- what to do?
To: kitkat22- yes I always dress nicely and am groomed but I don't always have a good attitude. I am mainly silent around people. I have no confidence, at least not anymore
Why did you lose your confidence?Quote:
Originally Posted by aivrsn75phila
To: kitkat22- too many reasons, niceness and good deeds are never reciprocated, too many failures with women, lack of responsiveness to me...
First let me say this.. Never be ashamed of who you are.Quote:
Originally Posted by aivrsn75phila
Start your day by thinking good thoughts.
You've been hurt? Join the club, we all have. You've done good deeds that have gone unrewarded? Why do you think you wake up every morning? That's a reward. It's like having a clean sheet of paper and a new pen, you get to start another day with a clean slate.
First of all your attitude needs to change. When you do good deeds, you do them for the joy of doing them and you don't expect anything in return. You have made someone happy or given someone a gift.
Your black... so what? You should be proud of your race and you should show that in the way you deal with people. Never walk with your head down. Stand straight and tall and look people straight in the eye when you talk to them. Start interacting with friends and people you want to socialize with.
You can tell a man by the way he shakes your hand or offers his seat in
A crowded room to a lady or an older person. Be proud when you walk into a room and show it in the way you walk and the way you speak.
Have an "attitude", by that I mean don't be arrogant, be different. Stand out. Self confidence is the word.
I suspect an honest answer would be that the colour of your skin would matter to some people. Then again people have all sorts of preferances - skin colour, hair colour, height, weight, etc. The people I prefer to be with look more closely at what is on the inside than the outside. Of course there are racists out there, but they are the ones that should be looking at changing themselves, definitely not you considering 'doing a Michael Jackson.'
I'm an average lady I guess and I'm never going to be a 6 foot blonde supermodel so I won't be everyone's cup of tea. Pah, who wants to be with someone who justs wants arm-candy? It's about accepting who you are and sharing your life with people who love you for exactly that.
What is important is that you learn to love yourself. So, time to get working on your confidence. If you don't know what to say around people try taking a genuine interest in what they have to say, being a good listener is a valuable skill. When you do have something to say, go for it, your opinion is as valuable as anyone else's. If you are doing nice things for people and they are not reciprocating perhaps it is time you started asking for what you want from people. Value and respect your own time and abilities. Don't allow yourself to be used, but give generously when you want to, not because you feel oblilged to and expect something back.
Maybe you are hanging around with the wrong kind of people. Take some time to think about who you are and what you like and where you might meet kindred spirits.
Dating is a learning experience . Ya got to learn how to get them.
Most guys aren't good at it at first. But you need to keep at it.
You will get your ego bruised.
You probably will do some dumb stuff. Everybody does.
But you'll get it.
Ya can't win if you quit playing.
I can tell you are smart and use your head. You proved that by looking for answers instead of acting out. Mature attitude.
And that Michael Jackson thing... try to look as bad as he did?
Mike didn't look good. Because he tried to be someone else.
If you are serious about that I'll find out where you are and hire some big dude to kick you in the butt.
Be proud you are who and what you are.
Do some genealogy . When you know more about your heritage , you will have more reason to be proud of it.
The girls will be noticing you , don't give up. That seldom helps.
The okcupid data from a million users indicate that only 21.7 percent of women reply when a black man contacts them compared to 29.2 percent of women when the man is white. Only 17% of Asian women answer a black man's first message, 19% of Latinas, and 21% of white women, and 28% of black women. For comparison, when a white man writes to a woman, the numbers are much higher:
Asian: 29%, Latina: 38%, White: 29%, and Black: 39%.
When people are asked if they approve of interracial marriage, virtually everybody says they are fine with it, but their behavior is quite different.
White men are most likely to be responded to and the least likely of all men to respond to messages from women. Gay men also prefer white men. Lesbians respond regardless of race.
Does that mean you should give up? No! But it's good to know what you are up against. I have noticed since obama became president that black men are much more likely to make friendly gestures, like open the door for me or make neutral/casual eye contact on the street. I don't mean flirting, just making simple eye contact. I did not even realize how much of that was missing until it changed. It's refreshing.
Here's the link again.
How Your Race Affects The Messages You Get OkTrends
Don't worry about reciprocation for niceness and good deeds.Quote:
Originally Posted by aivrsn75phila
Do it because it is the right thing to do.
If you expect nothing back you are not disappointed .
No response , and failure...
You aren't the only member of this club. Failure with women happens 24/7 X 365 . We all get a share.
And learn to deal with. As you will too.
That's still a lot of potentials!Quote:
Originally Posted by asking
65.43% of all Statistics are fabricated.
M2, I understand that numbers can be confusing. But if you take the time to read the discussion at the site I posted, you'll see that this is quite good data, not "fabricated" statistics.
To: asking- no thanks
aivrsn75phila don't worry about your skin colour. Its who you are on the inside that really counts. The people who don't talk to you because of your colour are no one id want to be friends with.
My mum always told me to treat others how I want to be treated. So I do in the hope some day someone will return the favour. If not I know I have lived my life trying to make a difference.
Quote:
Originally Posted by martinizing2
I think we brought our children up with the right attitudes. We always said; treat people the way you want to be treated, never judge anyone by what they have or don't have and being racist is just a form of ignorance, no matter how smart or intelligent you are. Good training and good kids. I would never ever tolerate one of my children being racist or thinking they were better than someone.
? I guess I don't understand what you mean. You say it's hard not to acknowledge. You don't think racism should be acknowledged? Or you feel I am personally slapping you in the face for posting a link? I'm pretty confused about where you are coming from. I feel like I offended you, but not sure how.Quote:
Originally Posted by martinizing2
The title of this thread is about dating and racism, so I thought this information was about as relevant to the OP's original question as possible.
Obviously, there's lots more to successful dating than being the right color. And I agree with you that anything that reduces racism is a good thing.
Not Necessary. Im Trying not to be racist. Yes I do have a problem with one race in particular but that's because of the way they have treated me personally. Other than that, If I were on a dating sight there are a few races where I haven't so far seen someone I find attractive. So naturally I wouldn't reply to them. Not because I'm racist but because I'm not attracted to them at all. If it were just to make friends then yes I would reply but as it is a dating sight if I'm not attracted even a little then I'm not going to reply.
And one could ask if people don't date someone because of their political views. Or if guys will not date girls who have big or small breasts, and so on. There are stats on some dating sites that some girls will not date any man making under 100,000 a year, so amount of income is also a dating factor.
So you have to find the right partner who likes your height, physcial sizes, income, area you live and more. Then you have to like the same in them.
It is a wonder anyone ever dates
I don't have a problem with anybody.
I do have a problem when people try to pit one race against the other.
It isn't right and yes it does happen.
It's up to us to try and focus on the good things about everyone.
There is so much hate in the world and so many people promoting it.
I have a problem with the terrorist who struck on 9/ll it doesn't mean I hate the race. I don't.
You cannot put all people in one category because of a few brainwashed cowards.
You were to young to remember the racial violence that went on in
He 60's and 70's.
This country was divided and I couldn't understand how one race could think of themselves as "Superior" while another race
Wasn't allowed to eat at a certain place or ride the bus.
It was nothing but ignorance and hate. That's all it was.
People can never be comfortable with you, unless you are comfortable with yourself. If you think its about how you look or what you are that's stopping you from dating or having a social life, think again. Sure some people have hang ups, so what? That's not your problem so don't make it one for you.
I think if you hold your head up and engage people they will be comfortable engaging you, but if you let the attitudes of a few, prejudice you, and shake your confidence in yourself, that's where you go wrong, and that's the issue to address.
I have found through my experience that being yourself goes a long way in getting to know people, both good and bad, and letting them know you and that's what makes the difference between how YOU treat people and how they treat you.
The bottom line is don't expect them to like you until they know you, and what you are about, and if they don't, tough stuff on them, their problem, not yours. So get your confidence back, and get busy weeding out the nog heads from the good people, and deal with the ones who are good humans as you try to be. If your shy, don't expect life to come to you, you have to get engaged and involved and good people will be attracted to your openness, and see you as a good human being to get to know.
Its hard for any one to date, no matter your color, so look to make friends, and build a life that you enjoy around things you like to do and I think once you are happy with yourself, your confidence will rise as you get comfortable, and familiar with your surroundings, and won't have to force things with the people you encounter.
So forget making stupid changes to your skin, or any other false front and build from the inside out, and be glad of who you are, no matter where you are from and what you have been through.
It ain't about your skin, but rather if you like yourself or NOT. Makes all the difference in the world.
Nobody will date you because your so down on yourself.
It isn't because you're black or white or purple. To have friends you have to be friendly.
This "nobody wants to date me cause I'm black", is a cop-out.
Change your attitude. Try smiling and laughing and helping people without expecting something in return.
We've all had disappointments in our life, but what doesn't kill us , makes us stronger.
Stop whining and get yourself some confidence. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
The only person who is responsible for you is you. You can walk with your head down which shows everyone you lack self confidence or you can stand proud and try to be the person you know you are.
Nobody wants to be around someone who is ashamed of his race, bitter at the world because you didn't get what you thought you should have.
Welcome to the real world.. It's what you make it. Stand proud smile and grab life by the hand.
You'd know better than us if that is the reason, and if so, it's time to up and leave.
A fact of life is that you don't belong everywhere and you shouldn't expect to. There is a time and place where you will feel most comfortable.
And to add on, A long time ago,you know, when they had Jim crow laws and black people couldn't do certain things and caucasian kids and adults would tease them? Most of the African-Americans took what ever the caucasian kids said or threw at them. They didn't care what people thought they didn't care what people did they just kept on walking, kept on doing what they needed.
Try to be just like that, don't let people who ignore you stop you from being who you are. If you're feeling invisible, sign up for things that you like and will get you noticed, show the skills you've been hiding and also tell yourself every time you get out of bed.
I'm a human being, just like everyone else. They might not like me on the outside, but if I can break out of that shell I've been trapped in, they may like me for who I really am.
To QLP: I guess what everyone is saying is right. Maybe I need to work on my confidence, but I don't know where to start.
I don't hang out at all, so it's not bad people.
To Martinizing2: thank you for your words. I guess I did give up, and a part of me wants to ''play'' again. I don't expect things/favors in return but I don't think I warrant mistreatment and tabloid-like treatment.
Start working on the self confidence. You are somebody special and you'll find that out. Be true to who you are and don't try to be someone else. God created you. You are someone's friend. Be Good and keep Posting.Quote:
Originally Posted by aivrsn75phila
To Kitkat22: thank you. I am trying. When I find the first step I will take it from there
Try and don't ever forget.. you are someone special.. There is something in your life that you are meant to accomplish. We just don't get here by chance. There is always a plan. Amaze yourself and smile when you reach each of your goals. You are a winner.:)Quote:
Originally Posted by aivrsn75phila
Is there anything else you could share with us about yourself? Like what you do with your time, what interests you, where you normally meet people - maybe we can come up with some ideas to help if we have a bit more information. Perhaps an example of how it came about that you were treated badly so we can understand what is happening there.
To QLP: sure. I often lose myself with work and overtime. I am alone pretty much all the time, reading, studying, drowning myself in work... I watch movies at night to kind of escape, and living in new York City with all the liveliness, I don't go out at all. I don't communicate with relatives and I have pretty much no friends.
No hobbies besides watching movies? No talents or special skills? No secret wishes ? Nothing? Hard to have confidence when you know nothing of yourself. What do you want to do?
What would you like to do? Tell us.
To talaniman: I used to write (short stories, poetry, etc.) for years, used to play piano but stopped and I don't play basketball anymore. Secret wishes, hmm... I'll get back to you on that one.
I love writing. Why don't you have a girlfriend and don't say you're ugly.Quote:
Originally Posted by aivrsn75phila
To Kitkat22: I also used to write songs, to actual music I played, I don't have a great voice but I can sing. I've done art since the age of 2, but I have not done any of these activities for a few years now
Well, you beat me to it but I do think I am unattractive... I don't know
Why? Why have you stopped doing all the things that make you... you?Quote:
Originally Posted by aivrsn75phila
To Kitkat22: I am not sure. I cannot put my heart into them anymore, I feel pain when I try
Pain? Explain, did you lose someone?Quote:
Originally Posted by aivrsn75phila
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