I was to get married to this Sat we were sort of eloping but our friends knew and was going to be there ,Got the license ,outfits and rings .Ready to roll then my big mouth said we should tell our kids mine are young 8 and 11 but his daughter is 18 . My children will be leaving everything they know home,family, friends,school and when I ask them what they thought they said if I was happy they would be happy .
Well the daughter said NO she didn't want us to move in and if we did it wouldn't be like home to her anymore .She is leaving for collage in a few months and will only be here on the weekends if that. I understand she is a Daddy's girls and has had him all to herself for 5 years but she should know he would never marry someone that would stop a relationship between them I would NEVRE do that . As for the house I would like to make it our home . I love him and I want to marry him but he called the wedding off for now to give his daughter time to adjust to it all. I understand that but the reason we were going to move now is so my children could get settled in to the community and not have to change school in the middle of the year or whatever . I don't know what to do . He wants me to get to know her better and all that but I email her and tried to call. We live 1 and half away so its not like I an pop in and say hello lets hit the mall .I invited her to meet me and the boys half way at the pool to spend the day together she doesn't work so it's poss able I just feel helpless and I feel like an 18 year old is calling the shoots of our life .How do I help them how do I make him see she is being selfish and his and our happiness is on the line ?

How long have you been going with this man? Have you had opportunities to be with the daughter and get to know her?

I'm sorry but I agree that you should wait.

Your happiness is not on the line to rush into marrying this man.

ALL of the children should get to know the both of you and each other before becoming family. Your children want you to be happy, of course, but they're too young to realize exactly how big a deal marriage can be. Would you really expect them to tell their Mommy "No"? Of course not! They want to make you happy! Its up to the both of you to take the kids interests to heart - even the 18 yr old.

The wedding is postponed - that doesn't mean the relationship is over. In time, I think you'll see that its probably best that you're taking the time to get to know each other first. Getting married like that sounds to me like you're putting the cart before the horse.

Consider exchanging text with his daughter as well as emails. You can swap photos of your kids, etc. and start a relationship at a distance... it might be a little less intimidating to both of you.

Good luck!

P.S. Involve your husband-to-be as well. He should take an active part in getting all of you to bond.

How long were you seeing this man?
Have you had no relationship with his daughter prior to this and why had he not talked this over with his daughter before you two made wedding plans.

Sounds a bit funny to me.

We have dated for 5 months I know not long But we want this ,Heck we are not getting younger lol I have been single for 5 years to his 11 . I have been around his daughter about every weekend but she is very very quiet a loner of sorts I like her when she does talk and I would Im her on Facebook from time to time but seems she has bocked me when she is on . I know this is hard for her and I am all about making her comfortable . I guess since she went off on her dad he has felt really bad and is really bending over backwards for her and blowing me off . I tried to talk to him about it but he gets upset .I agree the kids need to get to know each other and my boys do want to make mom happy I understand all that . My thing is the reason we decided to move faster is because of the up coming school year and I am between jobs at the moment it just made sense to us to do it now we were anyway at some point.
Shouldn't sound funny we are adults and she is a young adult starting her own life we just wanted to state ours now nothing funny about it .

5 months!! Wow - I'm 31 and it would bother me if my mom married that quickly.

I know you're both adults, but its not that simple when kids are involved. In a way, you should be glad he loves his daughter and is willing to listen to her viewpoint. A lot of men might not care what his children think. Take your time and enjoy getting to know them both better. Your kids deserve that too - not just his.

5 Months is not a very long time.
How is he with your kids? It was not really fair to spring this on his daughter and it would have really been unfair to do it behind your kids back. Their lives will be affected by this as well.

Take your time to get to know each other, for your kids to get to know each other. Sounds like he has realized this was not such a smart thing to do.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

5 Months is not a very long time.
How is he with your kids? It was not really fair to spring this on his daughter and it would have really been unfair to do it behind your kids back. Their lives will be affected by this as well.

Take your time to get to know each other, for your kids to get to know each other. Sounds like he has realized this was not such a smart thing to do.

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Have you ever thought this might be the best thing that ever happened to you? I know it doesn't seem like it now and I would be furious. Think about it... if she doesn't like you and there are going to be problems in the marriage it's better to find out now. Suppose you had married him and your children were in such a hostile atmosphere, what would you do?

It may work out and it may not, but whatever happens it was meant to be.. . Good Luck

I would run from this man, if he is allowing his kids to run his life, now, he will latter after marriage also.

He has made a choice of who is more important, and you lost.

Take this as a lesson learned.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

I would run from this man, if he is allowing his kids to run his life, now, he will latter after marriage also.

He has made a choice of who is more important, and you lost.

Take this as a lesson learned.

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I think he gave it more thought and he should have before hand
She and he have only known each other for 5 months. They were going to sneak and get married do it without telling the kids.
When you have minor children at home, a marriage to someone is not just about you especially if the children don't really know that person. I think that would have been unfair to all of the kids.

5 months. They don't even know each other. I would not bring a man I have only known for 5 months into the home with my kids, and it is not fair to think his daughter would be overjoyed over him bringing a basic stranger into their house without warning.
Now if they had been dating say a year and there has been talk of marriage that becomes a different story.
Seems to me the 18 year old had more sense than the adults.
__________________
Right is right, even if everyone is against it; and wrong is wrong, even if everyone is for it.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I think he gave it more thought and he should have before hand
She and he have only known each other for 5 months. They were going to sneak and get married do it without telling the kids.
When you have minor children at home, a marriage to someone is not just about you especially if the children don't really know that person. I think that would have been unfair to all of the kids.

5 months. They don't even know each other. I would not bring a man I have only known for 5 months into the home with my kids, and it is not fair to think his daughter would be overjoyed over him bringing a basic stranger into their house without warning.
Now if they had been dating say a year and there has been talk of marriage that becomes a different story.
Seems to me the 18 year old had more sense than the adults.
__________________
Right is right, even if everyone is against it; and wrong is wrong, even if everyone is for it.

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It's a shame the children are more aware than the grownups...

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QUOTE by Kitkat"
It's a shame the children are more aware than the grownups...

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No I know what's best for my family and I would never put them in a spot where I thought it would harm them in anyway .He is wonderful with my boys and I totally respect his daughters feelings ,But She also has to respect the fact we are adults and we are moving on with the life we planned but we are also giving her time to adjust (oh so grown up arnt we) It's like this I am 36 he is 45 it's not a game it's not some 18 year olds begging their parents .She doesn't know better then us and that's the simple fact . But respect her wishes is something WE are willing to do . We will be married in due time .I love this man he loves me and I want to share the rest of my life with him and I will not run from him ,If I did where is the love and trust in that . When he ask me to marry him I said Yes I meant it . Sure we ran with the marriage we are in love and it's not like our children don't know each other and its not like we all don't get along .So sure it was fast... So we will work on it from here thanks for the advice

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Originally Posted by Kitkat22

It's a shame the children are more aware than the grownups...[/QUOTE

No I know what's best for my family and I would never put them in a spot where I thought it would harm them in anyway .He is wonderful with my boys and i totally respect his daughters feelings ,But She also has to respect the fact we are adults and we are moving on with the life we planed but we are also giving her time to adjust (oh so grown up arnt we) It's like this I am 36 he is 45 it's not a game it's not some 18 year olds begging their parents .She doesnt know better then us and thats the simple fact . But respect her wishes is something WE are willing to do . We will be married in due time .I love this man he loves me and i want to share the rest of my life with him and I will not run from him ,If I did where is the love and trust in that . When he ask me to marry him I said Yes I meant it . Sure we ran with the marraige we are in love and it's not like our children dont know eachother and its not like we all dont get along .So sure it was fast ....So we will work on it from here thanks for the advice

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I really hope you two have a wonderful life together.. . Kit

Well it's good that you're giving her time and your kids too.
You two are adults who love each other but your kids have to live with your decision too so their feelings should be considered.
5 months is quick, that is hardly anytime at all. You really owe yourselves and your kids more time.

I just have to say that I'm shocked.

You were going to get married this Saturday and you didn't tell your kids?

They're not that young. Mine are 7 and 11, and believe me, they would be shocked if I just up and got married (even though I already am) without telling them, and to a man you've only known for 5 months.

There's no hurry. What's another year, or 2, in order to get to know each other? Not just you and him, but involve the kids too. This isn't only your decision, it effects everyone in the family. Eloping on a whim is best done by people without responsibilities.

I do agree that it's best to wait and everyone should get to know each other in the meantime.

Also... I'm kind of putting myself in his daughter's shoes, trying to understand why she is against it because my dad got married very quick after my mom passed away. Is her mom in the picture? How long has her dad been single? I know you said that she had him all to herself for a while, but did they get divorced or did something else happen?

Could be a reason that she's a loner too. Maybe she's going through something that you don't know about.

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Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

I do agree that it's best to wait and everyone should get to know each other in the meantime.

Also... I'm kinda putting myself in his daughter's shoes, trying to understand why she is against it because my dad got married very quick after my mom passed away. Is her mom in the picture? How long has her dad been single? I know you said that she had him all to herself for a while, but did they get divorced or did something else happen?

Could be a reason that she's a loner too. Maybe she's going through something that you don't know about.

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They broke up when she was 3 so she doesn't even remember them being marrried . I know she felt abandoned by her mother 3 years ago when her mother got married but the fact she wasn't . But I can't fix the way she feels . We use to chat and everything but now she ignores any attempt I make but I love her dad and I will work with her on it hopefully when she See's how happy her dad is she will understands . I don't know that's why I posted here. Now I feel like this Horrible women trying to steal a father from his daughter and that's sort of not normal . Anyway hope all has a great weekend going to go spend it with Mr.Wonderful himself :)

No one has accused you of stealing a father from his daughter. We have questioned why the hurry (after dating for 5 months) to run off and get married without telling the kids first and giving the kids time to get to know one another.

Marrying someone after 5 months is fast, and if it is just you that's cool, it only affects the two of you. But when you bring kids in the mix, it becomes in my opinion a bit selfish and irresponsible.

5 months does not a relationship make. At 5 months you are only scratching the surface of quirks.

I have been on this earth a mere 46 years and my limited time in existence has taught me that it takes time to build a relationship that does NOT include children. 5 months is not that long.

Now, when you throw children in the mix, you have to extend that time. Not only do the two of you have to get to know each other, but now you are expecting children to acclimate to a new lifestyle. This is not easy for children of any age.

If you want this relationship to survive, you need to slow it way down. Bring each family together for at LEAST a year. Let everyone get to know each other on mane different levels before you try to blend them all together.

We don't try to hurt you or anyone else... but children should have a say when a parent remarries. Get to know each other... I think the daughters concern may have been the short
Romance... rushing to marry.

She wants her Dad to be happy and if it's meant to be you will.

Ok so we call the wedding off now what ? I can't get his daughter to speak to me at all she walks out of the room when I walk in .This is really going to cause a problem I hate it .I don't know what to do for her or to say to her to make all this better for her. And plus he is pulling away from me too because he is so upset by everything .He like me wanted to get on with our life and now we are at a halt like I said before I am over an hour from him and it's not like I can work on a relationship often . I am so confussed and sad . I want to help them both .But it doesn't seem to me that my feelings or my children's feelings are even being thought of at this point . Just don't know what to do :confused:

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Originally Posted by stbmrsd

Ok so we call the wedding off now what ? I can't get his daughter to speak to me at all she walks out of the room when I walk in .This is really going to cause a problem I hate it .I dont know what to do for her or to say to her to make all this better for her. And plus he is pulling away from me too becouse he is so upset by everything .He like me wanted to get on with our life and now we are at a halt like I said before I am over an hour from him and it's not like I can work on a relationship often . I am so confussed and sad . I want to help them both .But it doesnt seem to me that my feelings or my children's feelings are even being thought of at this point . Just dont know what to do :confused:

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Walk away for awile. To keep your sanity walk away and have no contact what so ever! It will be hard, but it's the best thing. If he loves you and he is miserable.. then the daughter is going to see that .

If she does see that he is miserable without you... maybe she'll accept the fact that he will be happy with you. Don't sit around waiting for either one to make a move. Think of your children.

Take your kids on a vacation and it will give you time to do some thinking.
I do hope everything works out for all of you. Bless You... Kit

Take a step back from this. It was all progressing too fast any way.
Maybe what is needed is space, or maybe things were not going to work anyway, in which case it is better to know now than after the marriage.

He and I spent the weekend together anyway we went out of town we even talked about "the wedding in the futrue" He did give me my engament ring he hadn't before since we got all are rings on the same day and I had my rings saldered together so I now wear my wedding band and engament ring . But I could feel the stress in the relationship .We was with close friends of ours doing a charity event so lots of people was asking when is the big day was and at one point I even said when his daughter is OK with it lol the look we got .
So we set no future date and talked about me moving there but you know the more I think of it the more I am like I don't think so , Why buy the cow kind of thing . I think steping back is a great idea and had already thought of doing so . I was to take my boys down there the rest of the week but I told him we wasn't coming .His phone calls are shorter then before but he is still calling I still get my text goodnight and all that . Earlier this evening I imed his daughter on face book and just said hey lady what's up she signed off with no reply .
However when he called me tonight before he went to work I talked about the wedding like it was going to happen no matter what colors who would come where to have it stuff like that and he was seemed very OK talking about it . And then I said you know I would need a date at some point .He was like I haven't gave it any thought . So stepping back will do him a world of good and me , thanks for letting me vent I feel like I am just about to blow up :mad:

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Originally Posted by stbmrsd

He and I spent the weekend together anyway we went out of town we even talked about "the wedding in the futrue" He did give me my engament ring he hadnt before since we got all are rings on the same day and I had my rings saldered together so I now wear my wedding band and engament ring . But I could feel the stress in the relationship .We was with close friends of ours doing a charity event so lots of people was asking when is the big day was and at one point I even said when his daughter is ok with it lol the look we got .
So we set no future date and talked about me moving there but you know the more I think of it the more I am like I dont think so , Why buy the cow kind of thing . I think steping back is a great idea and had already thought of doing so . I was to take my boys down there the rest of the week but I told him we wasnt coming .His phone calls are shorter then before but he is still calling I still get my text goodnight and all that . Earlier this evening I imed his daughter on face book and just said hey lady whats up she signed off with no reply .
However when he called me tonight before he went to work I talked about the wedding like it was going to happen no matter what colors who would come where to have it stuff like that and he was seemed very ok talking about it . and then I said you know I would need a date at some point .He was like I havent gave it any thought . So stepping back will do him a world of good and me , thanks for letting me vent I feel like I am just about to blow up :mad:

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Don't blow up! Just let him know you aren't going to wait around. Don't talk to the daughter and unless she contacts you first. Tell him you need time and you don't want to see him anymore unless he can tell you there is going to be a future with him.

Don't uproot your kids and move to a place they are unfamiluar with. If it doesn't work out what aare you going to do. It's better to know now.
Sorry for the harsh words, but please realize it may never happen... Good luck

I don't think they are harsh words just facts. It's so upsetting to me because after 5 years I have built up these darn walls not allowing anyone in and then I meet this wonderful man who seemed so very right for me and my boys I got excited about the future and now I am let down . This is why I had the walls up in the first place . I guess I need to get out the bricks and starte rebuilding the wall and if he loves me he will climb over it and get me .

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Originally Posted by stbmrsd

I dont think they are harsh words just facts. It's so upsetting to me becouse after 5 years I have built up these darn walls not allowing anyone in and then I meet this wonderful man who seemed so very right for me and my boys I got excited about the future and now I am let down . This is why I had the walls up in the first place . I guess I need to get out the bricks and starte rebuilding the wall and if he loves me he will climb over it and get me .

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Good for you... Keep posting... let us know how things go.:)

I was thinking how does one go from getting married back to dating ? Had I of known what I know now I would have said No to the ring give it to me we alllllllllll of you are ready . Just thinking can't you tell lol to early for this already to be my focus of the day . I guess the whole dream crushed thing really bothers me . I did tell his this past weekend boy I wish things could back to the way they were much more simple and he was much more open . I think not only daughter doesn't want this but Daddy dearest got cold feet . Lets see how he likes the cold shoulder ;)

You let your walls down and then you jumped too quickly. Think about it. People don't marry that quickly after meeting especially if they have kids.
It's like you found this man and you just want to jump in to marriage. If he is the right one, he is not going to disappear.
Take your time, get to know him, allow the kids to get to know each other.
5 months and a ring and date is really a bit much.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You let your walls down and then you jumped too quickly. Think about it. People don't marry that quickly after meeting especially if they have kids.
It's like you found this man and you just want to jump in to marriage. If he is the right one, he is not going to disappear.
Take your time, get to know him, allow the kids to get to know each other.
5 months and a ring and date is really a bit much.

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Good for you!. NC with the daughter. NC with him. Maybe a little of the same treatment will help him make a decision. You'll know one way or the other.

It's better than sitting around waiting. Get on with your life. If he loves you then he will make a move. If not... you'll have to send back the ring and block him from Facebook and your phone. It will be horrible to have to do this but you will know for sure. Are you ready to make this decision?

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Originally Posted by stbmrsd

I was thinking how does one go from getting married back to dating ? Had I of known what I know now I would of said No to the ring give it to me we alllllllllll of you are ready . Just thinking can't you tell lol to early for this already to be my focus of the day . I guess the whole dream crushed thing really bothers me . I did tell his this past weekend boy I wish things could back to the way they was much more simple and he was much more open . I think not only daughter doesn't want this but Daddy dearest got cold feet . Lets see how he likes the cold shoulder ;)

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Well it's no wonder he got cold feet, you two don't really know each other and his daughter didn't know her father was going to get married and bring two kids into the house.
It was rather foolish to think you two could just blend two families after knowing each other 5 months and everything would be hunky-dory. This is real life.
Don't get mad at him, you both were rushing into things, you both needed to take a step back.
What if it had been one of your kids who did not want you two to marry?

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Well it's no wonder he got cold feet, you two don't really know each other and his daughter didn't know her father was going to get married and bring two kids into the house.
It was rather foolish to think you two could just blend two families after knowing each other 5 months and everything would be hunky-dory. This is real life.
Don't get mad at him, you both were rushing into things, you both needed to take a step back.
What if it had been one of your kids who did not want you two to marry?

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Maybe with this time apart... you and he will both do a lot of thinking. Your children and his are caught in the middle. I think you're doing the right thing by leaving him alone. If you do get back together... give the kids enough time to get to know each other and take it slow... Good Luck

Lmao hell no he isn't getting the ring back lol But stepping back yes I have to for me ! I love him and I know he loves me he just needs to miss me!! ;)

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Originally Posted by stbmrsd

lmao hell no he isnt getting the ring back lol But stepping back yes I have to for me ! I love him and I know he loves me he just needs to miss me !!! ;)

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Exactly! You can do it it! Keep the ring:D

:p

After reading all your posts, I think its obvious to you now why so many of us encouraged you to wait to get married.

It'll do you a lot of good to take a step back and see what happens. Like someone else said, if its meant to be, it will be.

Good things come to those who wait. :)

Let us know how it's going!

Day 2 of me pulling back so far so OK lol. He has been really busy with work and I have been busy (making myself that way) He calls in the morning when he gets home phone convo's last 10 min or so . He called last night when I was leaving kickboxing class and ask me what I was doing so for the hell of it I told him exactly what I was doing I told him my maid of honor to be wanted me to drive by 2 places that she wants to have our shower and get the # and see what place I like best. He said oh really did you decided? I said No I had never been in the one place but had been to a wedding at the other . He didn't change the subject I did.
Ask him reg stuff how did you sleep and what was for dinner that sort of thing. He said Friday he was taking his daughter to see toy story.. I said Oh really My boys would LOVE to see it too . But no invite . He said it had been 2 months since they went to the movies I was like well that will be a good to spend some time with her . I did tell him I tried to speck to her online but she signed off without a reply and he started making excuses about Im'ing and how it is messed up sometimes I was like no worries Not a big deal . He needs to know when I reach out to her and she refuses to talk to me . But like someone said above not to contact her anymore your right that will be the last personal contact I will be making . He ask me if I had my boys this weekend and I said I do not but never tried to make plans with me I was going to turn him down letting him know I do have a friend coming in to visit and I would be busy . He called tonight and I couldn't help myself I ask him.. Are we OK? He said well yeah I guess ,Why? I said I just feel you pulling away but hey maybe it's just me I am a girl you know lol . Tried to play it off as no big deal but as you know it is . Well so far that's about as far as I got . No I never called or text him at all since Monday :)

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Originally Posted by stbmrsd

Day 2 of me pulling back so far so ok lol. He has been really busy with work and I have been busy (making myself that way) He calls in the morning when he gets home phone convo's last 10 min or so . He called last night when I was leaving kickboxing class and ask me what I was doing so for the hell of it I told him exactly what I was doing I told him my maid of honor to be wanted me to drive by 2 places that she wants to have our shower and get the # and see what place I like best. He said oh really did you decided? I said No I had never been in the one place but had been to a wedding at the other . He didnt change the subject I did.
Ask him reg stuff how did you sleep and what was for dinner that sort of thing. He said Friday he was taking his daughter to see toy story ..I said Oh really My boys would LOVE to see it too . But no invite . He said it had been 2 months since they went to the movies I was like well that will be a good to spend some time with her . I did tell him I tried to speck to her online but she signed off without a reply and he started makeing excuses about Im'ing and how it is messed up sometimes I was like no worries Not a big deal . He needs to know when I reach out to her and she refuses to talk to me . But like someone said above not to contact her anymore your right that will be the last personal contact I will be making . He ask me if I had my boys this weekend and I said I do not but never tried to make plans with me I was going to turn him down letting him know I do have a friend coming in to visit and I would be busy . He called tonight and I couldnt help myself I ask him ..Are we ok? He said well yeah I guess ,Why? I said I just feel you pulling away but hey maybe it's just me I am a girl you know lol . Tried to play it off as no big deal but as you know it is . Well so far thats about as far as I got . No I never called or text him at all since Monday :)

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Stick to it girl! It's time to go NC at all. Try it and see what happens.

You think ? NC at all ? Isn't that just playing a game? And does that ever really work for anyone ? I myself have never done it or if I had it's been when I knew it was over and done with I do not want this relationship over and done with in the least : /