I have been involved with a married man for 3 years, I would like him to leave his wife but he says he don't know how. The wife does know about me she knows that we have spent time together and have been intimate. They have two grown sons and she uses them against him telling him that if he leaves he will lose them and that they will never speak to him again. He also has worked hard and has made a good life and he doesn't want to lose the things he's worked so hard for. The last thing he tells me is that he doesn't love her but he does care about her and feels he has an obligation to her they have been married 30 years. What do I do , I have never met a man like him and we just seem to fit emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Help

Well, your first mistake was to get involved with a married man, your second was sticking around for 3yrs on the off chance he might leave her! He's getting the best of both worlds at the moment. He is also correct in saying that he has an obligation to her... they're MARRIED, he has every obligation to her!

The only thing you can do is remove yourself from his life, tell him you no longer want to have anything to do with him whilst they are together and DO NOT contact him. Only then will he decide what he truly wants... beware though, he may leave his wife for you and then go straight back her - she's his comfort zone.

Would you walk out on a partner you've been married to for 30yrs and who is the father of your children? I know I'd do my utmost to make my marriage work, no matter what!

I fail to see what you are gaining from this relationship? Other than the constant promise of him leaving and then letting you down. The relationship cannot progress anywhere in its current state.

If he was going to leave he would have done it by now,he has said in his own way he is not leaving.

You're the bit on the side,she's the wife and mother and has been for 30 years.

What should you do,walk away,plain and simple,find a single man who can offer you the love and respect you want and deserve.

He's a cheater,and you continued the relationship even when you knew he was married,and now your looking for a way to make him leave!

There's no magic formula here and id bet my new shoes he'll never leave his wife.

Obviously I can see something is wrong with you to try to break up a marriage for 30 yrs. You had no right to get involved with him in the first place and then stayed for 3 yrs.

Also you said YOU would like him to leave his wife but you didn't say HE wanted to leave her.

It sounds to me that you messed up their marriage or have a major part to play for it going down hill.

He is married. Married for 30 years for that matter. He does have children. His responsibility is with his family and his children.

You know what both him and you are in the wrong to continue this.
He has his cake and is eating too. I am sure you have heard of that before.

The only thing to do, after 3 years. Tell him that its over and leave. If he really wants to be with you no strings attached. He will get a legal divorce and leave his wife.

Which I do not see happening.

This man is not going to leave his wife for you, he has it pretty good. He has her and you on the side, so why would he give up his cushy life for you.

You are wasting your time, he has told you he's not leaving the marriage so you need to decide if you want to continue to waste your life or get one.

I suspect he is going to outlive his sons so waiting for them to die before he leaves his wife is not going to happen.

I see this relationship going nowhere.

In my opinion thirty years of marriage isn't going to end because of you. You were a "mid-life crisis affair".

Don't wait for him to leave his wife... That's not goinng to happen.

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Originally Posted by tesnbaz

I have been involved with a married man for 3 years, I would like him to leave his wife but he says he don't know how. The wife does know about me she knows that we have spent time together and have been intimate. They have two grown sons and she uses them against him telling him that if he leaves he will lose them and that they will never speak to him again. He also has worked hard and has made a good life and he doesn't want to lose the things hes worked so hard for. The last thing he tells me is that he doesn't love her but he does care about her and feels he has an obligation to her they have been married 30 years. What do I do , I have never met a man like him and we just seem to fit emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Help

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You will wake up and you will realise you've wasted the best part of your life on this man who isn't worth his weight in salt. You may think as you do but believe you me, I too once thought like you. At the time I was young and foolish and in a bad way when I entered into a 'relationship' with a married man and he was there and told me the same sort of bull as your married man is feeding you. Do they all go to same how to bull**** school as they all seem to feed stupid women they same old tripe and women the world over fall for it.

The wife may know but it doesn't make the slightest bit of difference to him. He doesn't want to be with you. You only fill a void in his pathetic existence and he is merely a cakeman. He wants to have his cake and eat it. I wasted 5 years on this sort of man, at the time I wouldn't have believed anything bad said against him.

Now that I have met a wonderful single man I know what I had with the married man was just ugliness, he did not love me or care about me and I was perpetuating the situation by allowed him to weedle his way back in. Get shot of this leech, blood sucking leech. He is sucking the life and draining you. Are you just worth being his bit of fluff? Don't you deserve everything he has worked hard for and shouldn't he provide for you as he does his wife? Are you not worthy of this?

Here are some article for you to read.. Cakeman TOW - The Other Woman - Cakeman Article and The Other Woman TOW - The Other Woman

Don't waste anymore time on this man, unless you want to be in the same position some 10/15 years down the line.

It is easy to leave his wife, next time he is at your house, he just does not go home. He just deos not want to, tellig you lies of what you want to hear. Tell him that he either leaves NOW, today or you will. You have wasted a good part of your life.

This is going to be a little harsh... Sorry.

Does he tell you that he loves
You? And do you actually believe him?

Does he love the cook at the restaurant who cooks his breakfast when his wife is emotionally spent?
Does he love the dry cleaner who puts just the right amount of starch in his shirts?
Does he love the mechanic who changes his oil on his lunch hour?

NO, he doesn't love them because they provide a service to him, just like you do. Except you aren't just servicing him, you are breaking up his home. His family.

The fact that she knows about you seems to make it all right to you.

You "would like him to leave his wife"... I ask you this one question. If he was YOUR husband, how would YOU feel if someone like YOU came along and tried to split up YOUR marriage?

He is using his family and his career as excuses. Meanwhile you are just hanging in there, waiting for this adulterous affair to eat at his wife's very soul, until she just leaves.

You are wasting your time, and life, on this cheater.

I'm surprised he doesn't have you starching his shirts, and changing his oil,.

Try to understand why you think so little of yourself as to be used like this.

You are being taken advantage of.

And it's really hard to "help" someone who doesn't realize that this is just plain wrong.

Zero remorse.

God bless the wife.

His wife is the one he goes home to at night. I don't know why she stays with him after he has been with you.. but I suppose it's because she loves him. He loves
Her too. If he didn't he would have already left her for you.

You are a diversion and after three years he's probably realized
She's the better woman. She bore his children, kept his house , and she is the one who shares his bed every night.

His children probably know he isn't going to leave.. Some men
Know when they have screwed up and what they stand to lose after they jump into bed with another woman and it's not worth what they have to give up for an affair.

I hope you have remorse for what you and he have done. When his children have children, I don't think the grandchildren would be visiting much.
Leave the man alone before the wife gets tired of your sleeping with her husband and scratches your eyes out.

If he left her for you , he would be miserable and so would you. You would end up being the other woman then cause he will never be able to break the emotional bond he has with her. He still loves her, so leave them alone and find someone else.

You say the wife knows and I'll bet she probably received an anonymous phone call from you or one of your friend.. that's my opinion. Shame on you. Bless his wife.

You say the wife knows and I'll bet she probably received an anonymous phone call from you or one of your friend.. that's my opinion. Shame on you. Bless his wife.[/QUOTE]

No she didn't receive an anonymous phone call. This is a long distance relationship and it honestly started as a friendship then the both of us started to develop feelings for the other. So he told her that's how she found out. There were problems in the marriage before I came along that he tried to talk to her about and she wouldn't talk a communication break down you would say.Believe me I have had all the thoughts that everyone keeps saying, I do feel like fluff on the side and I do feel like I have destroyed his home and I have offered to walk away and let him and her get on with their lives but he doesn't want me too. Instead he wants to find a way to involve me in his life. He would like the three of us to sit down and discuss things. I do unstand he has an obligation and that he still cares for her but I also believes he loves me too or wouldn't he just let me walk away and find a bit of fluff closer to home you see he lives in the UK and I live in the US.

That makes it worse!

You only have his word to go on,he could be feeding you a load of cr$p,don't forget this man is a cheater.

For all youknow,he might have someone else in the UK,your wasteing your life on this man,what have you got? Nothing!

No future,no life together,an empty bed and empty promises.

12 or 13 strangers can see plainly what you cant, take a step back from this 2 cent relationship and try and see it for what it is,an affair that's swallowing up your time,heart and life.

Maybe his wife is clueless about the whole thing.

I'm assuming you're a grown women,your not the first who has been taken in,but you can stop this,he has a wife and family,and he is not going to leave them.

I don't understand what you are getting out of this? He is married and living in another country. You don't have a relationship. You have nothing.

Has he purchased a place for you to live so you can be near him? Has he filed for a legal separation from his wife?

You would have more of a "relationship" if you were involved with a single man, in the same country, same state, same city, who was in jail doing hard time.


You are thinking of him as a five course meal. He is thinking of you as dessert.

Tell him you will not speak to him again until he sends you copies of his divorce proceedings.

Cut all contact with him. I'm sure he has someone else who actually lives in the same country. He doesn't care for you or his wife. He only cares for himself. If he left his wife and married you he would treat you the same way. He is a cheater and a liar and a user.

Find someone who is available to be with you and only you.


His "obligation" as he keeps referring to his wife wouldn't end if he divorced her. He would give her half of everything they own, child support, alimony, etc...

He said he wants the 3 of you to sit down and talk? Talk about what? All of the reasons he is a jerk and which one of you lucky women gets to be with him, lol. He is ridiculous!

You can do better.

How do you justify being a long distance booty call? You don't ask a married guy if he wants you to leave, you TELL him your leaving, and then back it up with actions.

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Originally Posted by tesnbaz

You say the wife knows and I'll bet she probably received an anonymous phone call from you or one of your friend..that's my opinion. Shame on you. Bless his wife.

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No she didn't receive an anonymous phone call. This is a long distance relationship and it honestly started as a friendship then the both of us started to develop feelings for the other. So he told her that's how she found out. There were problems in the marriage before I came along that he tried to talk to her about and she wouldn't talk a communication break down you would say.Believe me I have had all the thoughts that everyone keeps saying, I do feel like fluff on the side and I do feel like I have destroyed his home and I have offered to walk away and let him and her get on with their lives but he doesn't want me too. Instead he wants to find a way to involve me in his life. He would like the three of us to sit down and discuss things. I do understand he has an obligation and that he still cares for her but I also believes he loves me too or wouldn't he just let me walk away and find a bit of fluff closer to home you see he lives in the UK and I live in the US.[/QUOTE]

This guy has you hook line and sinker.
What do you mean you have offered to walk away but he doesn't want you to? Of course he doesn't. He wants to keep his piece on the side. He wants to find a way to involve you in his life? He already has, you are his US side piece.
If things were so bad with this man's marriage, he would leave her. He is in the UK you are in the US, do you see other men or do you dutifully wait for scraps from him?

Like I said before, you need to stop wasting your life and get one, and I hope you realize that Karma is a bi**h. When you sleep with another woman's husband remember you can be two-timed as well. He could be doing it to you too. You need to wise up and leave this man and his cheating behind alone and get a man who belongs to no one but you.

OK to summerize... He lives in Australia? You met at work? He was a "lonely,misunderstood poor, mistreated man who has a wife who didn't understand him"?

You saw a successful man, who is probably well off and you casually
Started being available, a shoulder to cry on when he was lonely. Telling him what a big strong man he was and how is horrible wife should be thankful for him.

You say you "tried to walk away" and he wouldn't let you? That is a crock. I'll bet the wife doesn't even know. Call his bluff and tell him you want to sit down with his wife and have a conversation.

You are playing with fire... some women don't just lay down and cry when hubby finds a fling. I would be concerned.

You want a sugar daddy... find one who isn't married and yes , you're only a bit of "fluff". There's one born every minute and I do feel sorry for his wife.

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Originally Posted by tesnbaz

I have been involved with a married man for 3 years, I would like him to leave his wife but he says he don't know how. The wife does know about me she knows that we have spent time together and have been intimate. They have two grown sons and she uses them against him telling him that if he leaves he will lose them and that they will never speak to him again. He also has worked hard and has made a good life and he doesn't want to lose the things hes worked so hard for. The last thing he tells me is that he doesn't love her but he does care about her and feels he has an obligation to her they have been married 30 years. What do I do , I have never met a man like him and we just seem to fit emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Help

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I almost feel sorry for you. I'm not going to dog you out (although what you are doing is wrong) the fact is, you can't break up a home unless the man lets you do it. He messed up his home, he broke vows to his wife but you don't have to help him screw her over.
The wife may know about you, but I'll bet he has told her it was a one time thing, a moment of weakness, but it has stopped. He has worked hard for his "things" and they mean more to him than you do. I doubt he is willing to move to the US or have you move to where he is.. He feels an obligation to wife? He is staying with his wife because you don't mean enough to him for him to leave here.
This man is feeding you a crock of sh** and you are eating it up. He fed you a crock when he started confiding in you (he saw you as a possible side piece)
Wise up. This man is not going to leave his wife, never had any intention of it and she may not even know about you. Or another take, she could know and does not care, it could be an arrangement they have as long as they don't throw their stuff in each other's face. Either way, you need to get a clue and leave this two timing clown alone.

Look.. it hurts... I'm sure yoou had dreams of a home and children and a happily ever after with this man. I don't think it will happen. Why would you even think about sleeping with someone
Who is married?

How old are you? I'm not trying to be cruel but please , cut him loose and move on. You are wasting your life. Good luck

Just so everyone knows I am 41and he is older. I don't want a sugardaddy when I go to visit I insist on paying him back. His wife does know I have talked to her more than once and yes he would like us to sit down and talk all of us. He wants me in his life but he also wants her to know that he is aware of his obligation to her. He doesn't want to hurt either one of us. He is an upstanding man and neither of us have been in this situation before. How does he handle his obligation to her financially and emotionally but yet make me a part of his life as well?

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Originally Posted by tesnbaz

How does he handle his obligation to her financially and emotionally but yet make me a part of his life as well?

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Divorce her and marry you.

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Originally Posted by tesnbaz
How does he handle his obligation to her financially and emotionally but yet make me a part of his life as well?

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He has already done that, but your not happy with it. You want him to leave her and be exclusive to you. He would have to agree to her terms for that to happen, and what of his kids? Dumping their mama for some side chick? Bad enough he cheats on her already.

If he wasn't exclusive to a wife of 30 years, and his baby mama, what makes you so different? Imagine all the promises he made her that he no longer honors.

I think its hilarious that you expect a cheater to be exclusively yours. When he is not exclusive to his wife.

He has his cake, and he eats it too, why should he rock the boat? He doesn't have to give up anything at all!!

It really is a sad situation all the way around. If he leaves her.. he stands to lose more than money.
His children, although older will still be hurt and upset.

Let me ask you this; if you were not in the picture do you think he and his wife could go forward and have a happy marriage?

If all you have said is true... I think you should set up a meeting with him and his wife. Lay all your cards on the table and see which of you he will choose.

Would you rather go on living your life only for him and his wishes? You are still young and I'm fairly sure there will be someone else in your life.

You may not be the only "other woman". This man in my opinion doesn't deserve either you or his wife. Make some plans to meet the wife and him together.. you'll know then where you stand.

I hope he chooses to stay with his wife and I hope you meet someone who will make you number one in his life.

We all make mistakes and we have to live with them. I can tell you this.. you're not the only one who has ever been in this situation.

I've seen it many times and all it ends up doing is causing heartache and misery to everyone involved. I don't know you , but something tells me you're feeling a lot of guilt. Get out ofhis... for your own sake. There's a lot of good men out there and you need to concentrate on a single one.

I truly believe there is not another woman other than me in his life he calls me every morning on his way to work and he does have a job where we can be in contact quite often, he calls everyday on his lunch break and on his way home and once he's home I get instant messages. We have asked her to sit with us so the three of US can discuss things she refuses. She said she doesn't want to talk to me my voice makes her sick I do understand her anger I truly do, so how do we get her to talk with US he honestly doesn't want to just walk away from her he wants to be her friend, I do feel very guilty I never saw myself in a situation like this but now I am in it and I honestly love this man and I don't know what to do. I have asked him that very question about his marriage and if I were not in it would they be able to go on and be happy, his answer was no he said he would go on but he would not be happy with the situation or the marriage.

Why should she talk to you, and let go of her husband to make YOU happy?

What could you possibly offer her, to give him up, that she doesn't have already? That's unrealistic, and since he isn't giving up a thing, you are caught between them, so be his mistress, and be happy, as that's as good as you will get.

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I have asked him that very question about his marriage and if I were not in it would they be able to go on and be happy, his answer was no he said he would go on but he would not be happy with the situation or the marriage.

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I have no doubt if you leave him, and you should, he would do the same to another, blinded by love, female. No doubt in my mind. That should tell you that you have no leverage whatsoever, and he loves his life enough NOT to divorce his wife.

Everyone, and even you know, he can divorce her if he pays the cost, if he REALLY wanted too.

Looks like you're forever stuck in second place with this guy.

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Originally Posted by tesnbaz

I truly believe there is not another woman other than me in his life he calls me every morning on his way to work and he does have a job where we can be in contact quite often, he calls everyday on his lunch break and on his way home and once hes home i get instant messages. We have asked her to sit with us so the three of US can discuss things she refuses. She said she doesn't want to talk to me my voice makes her sick I do understand her anger I truly do, so how do we get her to talk with US he honestly doesn't want to just walk away from her he wants to be her friend, I do feel very guilty I never saw myself in a situation like this but now I am in it and I honestly love this man and I don't know what to do. I have asked him that very question about his marriage and if I were not in it would they be able to go on and be happy, his answer was no he said he would go on but he would not be happy with the situation or the marriage.

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He says he wouldn't be happy if you left but he would go on. I don't know what to say. Here's some advice and if you're smart you'll take it.
This advice is my opinion only. Stop talking to him... don't take his calls.. block him. Tell him you're through and you have no intention of being just a now and then diversion. Don't let him come to your place and when he's in town try to avoid him in the work place.

LET HIM KNOW YOU ARE NOT GOING TO PUT UP WITH IT ANYMORE! If you want to know if his love for you is real... then do it. It will be hard, but it will be even harder if you continue this and ten years from now he's still making excuses. You are wrong for seeing this man and hurting his family and he is even more to blame for trying to play both ends against the middle. I don't believe anything could hurt a wife more than knowing her husband is being unfaithful. I don't know what I would do.

Break the string and let him know what it's like to worry. If he loves you this will be the test that proves it. If not you'll be free and you'll have learned a valuable lesson. Start a plan and stick to it... I don't believe he'll leave his wife.. but who knows? I can't wish that this marriage breaks up... but I do hope you will open your eyes and see this is wrong and find someone who isn't married and who will bring you happiness... Kit

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Kitkat22 again

Excellent plan. That's how you get a junkie off dope.

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Originally Posted by tesnbaz

I truly believe there is not another woman other than me in his life he calls me every morning on his way to work and he does have a job where we can be in contact quite often, he calls everyday on his lunch break and on his way home and once hes home i get instant messages. We have asked her to sit with us so the three of US can discuss things she refuses. She said she doesn't want to talk to me my voice makes her sick I do understand her anger I truly do, so how do we get her to talk with US he honestly doesn't want to just walk away from her he wants to be her friend, I do feel very guilty I never saw myself in a situation like this but now I am in it and I honestly love this man and I don't know what to do. I have asked him that very question about his marriage and if I were not in it would they be able to go on and be happy, his answer was no he said he would go on but he would not be happy with the situation or the marriage.

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What is it you think the three of you should discuss. What could you possibly have to say to this woman except "I'm sorry" The only person who should be discussing anything with her is him. What nerve to even think about talking to her. What does he think you three need to discuss. That sounds stupid, so stupid it's unbelievable.

You said you asked him if you were not in the picture could he go on and be happy. He says he would stay anyway. That should tell you something. He would stay and probably get another side piece. He is not going to leave this woman and he does not care that you are feeling bad about being second fiddle.
I suggest you get some self respect and act like the adult I assume you are and get out of this mess or you will waste your life being a mistress because that is all you are ever going to be to this man.

If he is so weak and lowdown that he would stay in the marriage and cheat with you, what makes you think he would be any different if he were with you?

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Originally Posted by tesnbaz

Just so everyone knows I am 41and he is older. I don't want a sugar daddy as a matter of fact when I go to visit I insist on paying him back. His wife does know I have talked to her more than once and yes he would like us to sit down and talk all of us. He wants me in his life but he also wants her to know that he is aware of his obligation to her. He doesn't want to hurt either one of us. He is an upstanding man and neither of us have been in this situation before. How does he handle his obligation to her financially and emotionally but yet make me a part of his life as well?

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He is doing that. He is cheating on her with you!
If he is so upstanding, he will stop playing in both playgrounds. He will do what is right, and that is either leave his wife and deal with the consequences, or he will cut you loose.
He wants his cake and eat it too.
You are old enough to know better. Are you feeling he is your last resort, is that why at your age you are allowing yourself to be a part of this mess?

Do what I suggested about telling him to make a choice. We will be here for you. We can listen and give advice, but ultimately it's your decision as to where you want to keep on being the other woman. If he is staying because of money (I don't know or what the Australian laws are on divorce) then he loves money more than you.

This is a time for he and his wife to be enjoying grandchildren and thoughts of retiring and now that has been practically destroyed. He did it and you were his tool.
He's probably handsome and has that sexy Aussie accent but he belongs to someone else.

Picture it this way; you are the wife and she is the other woman. I'm not saying you're lying, but I doubt if you are his first affair and maybe the reason the wife is so complacent is , she knows he always comes back and he stays. Please try to get yourself out of this and as I said we will help you get through it.

You made a mistake and there is no one in this world who is perfect. It's when you keep on making the same mistake over and over and not learning anything. Please just think of this.

Listen, you need to do what is right for and staying with a married man is never a right choice. Look at the long term impact. Three, four, five years down the line is will be singing the same song. Who cares what the wife accepts the question "can you accepts dating a married man for years to come?" He already told you what he won't do and that will never change. So guess what? Change starts with you and why should you stick around and wait on him? There are other great single, available men out there even though it might take a while to find but wouldn't it be worth the wait?? My advice to you would be to leave. Leave today because you don't need this web. And I really don't understand the need to sit down and talk to the wife and your lucky she isn't crazy like some of the wives you hear about on the news who go after the girl on the side.

This isn't a good situation to be in at all but you have to realize that. You still have the chance to do good and for your own peace of mind wouldn't you think it be worth it? Time for you to make some choices instead of waiting for him to decide what road he wants to go down.

We're here if you need to talk and when you decide you've had enough. That's what ASK ME HELP DESK IS. Not only are you being used... you are hurting someone else.

Could I get suggestions from readers who have been in this situation

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Originally Posted by tesnbaz

Could I get suggestions from readers who have been in this situation

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Anybody want to address this?

I know there are other people in this situation. I just wanted to let everyone know we discussed today him getting a flat and moving out today not to bring me there but for him to have some time to see what he wants and he is also going to contact a divorce attorney to discuss several aspects of a split. I know most of you will be against this as I have read your responses but should someone stay with someone out of obligation or should they enjoy the love?

Obligations, and responsibilities are a part of love. Enjoying them is debatable, but no less important than the good times were/are.

Whether he follows through with this plan of moving, and getting his divorce, is yet to be seen.

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Originally Posted by tesnbaz

I know there are other people in this situation. I just wanted to let everyone know we discussed today him getting a flat and moving out today not to bring me there but for him to have some time to see what he wants and he is also going to contact a divorce attorney to discuss several aspects of a split. I know most of you will be against this as I have read your responses but should someone stay with someone out of obligation or should they enjoy the love?

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My point was, while he was still married, YOU shouldn't get used, and his wife shouldn't be cheated on. That's just common sense. Married people shouldn't betray that trust. People get divorced. Even though it sounds like this affair had a lot to do with his change of heart, it's a big difference between being a mistress, and dating a divorced man.

Do you think that he really is going to leave his wife, and "lose his sons' respect"?

That happened pretty quick. Be sure he's not just saying what he thinks you want to hear.

Good luck.

I do wonder sometimes if he is saying what I want to hear but he told me today that she has already spoken to an attorney. It is a very complicated situation I do wish I could explain it better. I also know that he has spoken with an attorney before, before me. I do know that during the marriage they have acquired many things they own their home and he also owns the home his 9 year old mother lives in and she has told him that if he leaves she will make him sell that home I understand she is upset but that is spiteful so he is contacting a lawyer to see if there is a divorce if a stipulation can be made that the home his mother lives in will remain until her death or if the home can be placed in his sons name and then sold when they see fit and the proceeds shaed between the two of them. I am not saying he will get the divorce but I truly do think he is thinking about it and I think it is a good idea to have time on his own so he has no outside distractions and he can decide what the right thing for him is if its not me I will have to accept that, but do you understand I want to know that he has come to that decision on his own and not because of threats she has made to take everything he has and to turn his sons against him.

One more thing I do know that he talked with his financial advisor today. How do I know you will ask, because I was on one phone with him while he was on the other talking with the advisor and he did mention get his finances in order.