Okay. I've been single for a while and have been playing around on a dating site. I have gone on a few dates, but nothing much happened. Either I wasn't interested, or they weren't and I didn't really care.

So I was writing to this person who seemed neat but too far away. It felt safe, except that over a few days, we could not stop writing to each other. He called me last night and we talked for nearly 4 hours. He lives a thousand miles away. If he lived around here, I would certainly date him.

Why am I trying to make my life so difficult?

I feel confused and don't trust myself. Plus there is a lot I don't know about him, obviously. I don't really even know what my question is. I just wonder why I've let this go so far and if I should just follow along or pull back and be sensible. I just have that this-is-going-too-fast feeling. Except it's fun and exciting.

I have two kids still living with me, 16 and 20. My younger son has a year and half more of high school and lives half time with his father.

Help, AMHD friends!

If you like him you should tell him its moving to fast and that you would like to slow things down abit and see how things go.
Don't blow it out the water because he lives to far away

Just to reassure some of you, I do know what he does for a living and that he is for real and seems pretty straightforward and honest. It's not some scam or like that. But I don't remember ever talking to anybody on the phone for more than about 2 hours, in my whole life. Nor was he feeding me lines. It didn't feel like that.

If it's not feasible for one of you to move to your respective countries, then you might not be able to take this friendship to the next level since you would only be able to communicating online or by phone.

If you are looking for something more than a friendship, then try meeting more people in your area. Dating sites is an option, but I would suggest doing activities that you're interested in. By doing an activity (hobby, sport, volunteering, etc.) you would be sure to have something in common with the other person. So it would already make it easier to get along.

Thanks I wish and cookie monster. Just for the record, he is not in another country. Not sure if that matters. Just two different states in the US. And I met him on a dating site. I was volunteering all last year and didn't meet anyone. It's discouraging to look and look in your own area and not find anyone and then find someone who seems right but who is so far away. Of course, I want more than a friendship.

If he's willing to spend 4 hours with you on the phone, then he's has some interest in you too. Just keep talking to him and getting to know him better.

How far apart are the two States? Driving distance?

San Francisco Bay Area to Denver. I haven't measured it yet. A long way.
I think this is a distance it's cheaper to fly.

He seems EVEN more interested than I am, but I think sometimes men do that. Yes? I don't want to get confused about that.

I don't think you need to measure his interest level so soon. You haven't even met in person yet, so just keep getting to know each other better and go with the flow.

SF and Denver isn't too far. I think about 1-2 hour flight.

That is romantic if you fly all the way just to see the man that might be the right mach for you as for me I have the biggest question that I'm having problems with and don't know what to do. Yes men do that I don't know why but they do which is nice but just have a sit down with him and ask him how interrested he is about you that is what I would do if I had a guy.

The only trouble with long distant dating, is the distant. I have had it, and at some point, it all boils down to when and where it moves into a in person relationship.

At some point if it is going to be a real in person one, someone will have to move, In may case I sold a house, quit a job and moved to a new city with no job, and just LOVE to go to.

These type of things don't happen easy and for people who can't just step out in faith, it may never work

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

At some point if it is going to be a real in person one, someone will have to move, In may case I sold a house, quit a job and moved to a new city with no job, and just LOVE to go to.

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I know it's different for everyone, but did that work out for you? Weren't you leaving behind friends?

The more you know about someone before you get into a relationship with them, the more comfortable you will be when it comes to transitioning into a relationship. Start with being friends with the guy and learn as much as you can about him. It could take months or years of friendship as, most guys and gals hide their negative qualities in the early stages of a relationship, and you want to know who the person really is. Observe him in different situations if you can. Ask him about his family so that you know how he treats his mom and/or sister.

Thanks for the feedback. I have asked about his family and have some mixed feelings. His mother was sick for many years and died when he was in his 20s. He has a father and two brothers. It seems like they are not that close.

He is close to his daughter who is 22 and he seems like a really good parent from what I can tell.

I think it might be better to meet him and get a sense of him in person rather than draw out a long distance friendship if there's something wrong when we actually meet. Is that unromantic? I can get a roundtrip flight for $130.

It's really easy for people to seem too good to be true at first or to sweep you off your feet. I've learned that here.

Everyone is "nice" at the beginning of a relationship. Show a little patience and he will show his true colors. Like I said, it could take months or years. Trust plays a big part. The more trust you gain, the more you will become honest with each other. It may be a good idea to meet him. Long distance relationships can work, but not for everybody. Go on a casual date, and see where things go.

I think it's a very romantic ideal to meet someone from hundreds of miles away and find that he may be someone that you could end up falling in love with. It used to happen years ago... when people actually communicated via letters and the postal service. It can happen... and it's very romantic!

I agree with your clear thinking that it's better to find out if you're compatible at the beginning of this "something" than waste the time getting to know each other over the distance and find out that you're not compatible.

That being said, I think you may want to make it a girls trip or something. Not that you'd have to have a chaperone, but that someone would be there if you needed it. It's kind of scary flying to see someone that you (honestly) are taking at face value.

Or, if you choose not to bring a girlfriend along, make sure that someone has your itinerary/hotel arrangements/etc before you go.

Good idea. Bring a couple girls along for support! It will take the pressure off you to come up with conversations out of thin air, and will probably relieve some of the awkwardness that there may be.

Thanks! This is exactly what I have been thinking. Even though he seems really nice on the phone, I just don't feel comfortable showing up alone in a strange city. To be honest, I'm getting cold feet.

I've been out of town for a few days and without internet (not in Denver).

So there have been some odd things and I don't know if they are red flags or not, but I'm starting to think they are. Here's one:

He has been really infatuated with me and we have talked every night which I am really enjoying. Two days ago he said he was taking his profile down from the dating site where we met. I obviously don't mind that. He also said he had been corresponding with several women and he told them he was not available now. Okay. BUT he said he had a preexisting date with someone he has never met for Friday (tomorrow) and he says the honorable thing to do is to meet her and tell her the situation. He brought it up, so I suggested he just tell her he is pursuing another relationship, but he said no. He has to meet with her.

I'm baffled by this. He is eagerly encouraging me to come visit, has offered to fly out here, has told me he Loves me (which just seems weird since we've never met! ), but he says he would be a terrible thing to email this woman and cancel their date. He equated that to "standing her up." He says he likes to do the right thing and this is very important to him

So why does a man need to meet a woman he's never met in order to tell her he cannot date her? :confused: Am I missing something? Over analyzing?

What do you guys think?

The guy could at least consider your opinion on the matter... it does seem like he's rushing. You really can't love (commitment, trust, the whole bag of chips) without truly knowing a person. Personally, I would be thinking the same thing you are thinking! If a guy I was interested in set up, and KEPT a date the day before he was supposed to go on a date with me, I would, honestly, not even bother. The guy is trying to make you feel great by telling you that he is in love and you are the only one he is seeing, but he isn't willing to give up a date with a woman who SHOULDN'T (by the way he's talking to you) stand a chance with him! This is a weird situation. You've already seen some red flags and you haven't met the guy yet. This one's up to you!

Hi Asking.

It's late and I'm tired so I have to admit that I didn't read all the other posts.

I have a few things to add. Starby (Starbuck8) and I were very good friends, talked on the phone every night, met on this site, never met in person.

Sneezy and I talk every day, met on this site, never met in person. He's a very good friend.

There are more.

In other words, give it a chance. Yes, the distance is a problem, but if you're enjoying the company, the talks, the flirting, then go for it.

You only live once. :)

I think you have to know if you have good instincts about people and if you trust yourself ,then let it progress on a natural basis.

I would not be exclusive at this point.

Its always good to keep your options open.

If you are interested in meeting like minded people in your immediate area ,here is a good link for you.

It's a cool site,not a dating site but a place to get together with people and do community activities,hobbies,all kinds of cool things.

Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - Meetup.com

Trust your own instincts. Do what feels natural to you. You don't need to force anything.

I do suggest that you meet in neutral settings the first few times you meet each other, at least until you've gotten to know him better in person.

It takes effort, patience and time to get to know each other and to build a higher comfort level. So instead of analyzing all his actions and talking about your situation with each other, I suggest that you spend that time continuing to know get to know each other better and enjoying the conversations. Let things flow naturally.

I don't feel like I have good instincts at all. That feels like my biggest problem. I have instincts and thoughts and they don't all agree and I don't know if any of them is a useful guide to anything. That's why I am here asking for some perspective. On the plus side, I feel a good connection to this man, but I felt that way about the man I married who turned out to be abusive. So that tells me nothing except that this phone friend is smart, funny, and determined to charm me. I'm totally charmed.

I think I tend to go along with things I have reservations about because, by definition, my instincts are no good until there's no avoiding the obvious so I let other people make decisions or sweep me along in a tide of enthusiasm.

How do I develop better instincts? Or recognize the ones I've got as legitimate. When is anxiety just anxiety and when is it a good instinct? I know I need to give it time and get to know him better, but I really hate the process of spending months waiting for someone to reveal their hidden flaws. I'm impatient, I guess.

Thanks for the meetup suggestion, artlady. I know about it but have not used it. I'll go look at it today.
Still confused...

You develop better instincts through experience. Whatever the outcome is in your situation, you'll definitely develop better instincts as it plays out. You also develop better instincts through trial and error.

You do sound impatient. If you feel that you have a good connection with this person, then continue to make that connection stronger.

If you feel uncomfortable, don't be afraid to speak up. As you may already know, keeping your thoughts inside can build fustration.

Thanks. I will talk to him.

I am about to turn 55 and I figure if I don't have any instincts about men by now I'm never going to have them. It's not that I don't have instincts but that I don't know which ones to trust. I go back and forth, like a squirrel in the road.

And when I try to talk to men about concerns it seems like they just tell me what they think I want to hear. And in the process of sharing my concerns they get to know me better and are better able to tell me what I want to hear, which just makes things harder for me to sort out. I wonder, is this genuine or just "dealing" with me?

But I do keep things inside too much. Even my mother used to say that when I was a kid. She'd tell me that I bottled things up and was "too eager to please." I don't seem to have changed much.

:)! Woof.

I just called him and had a good conversation. I feel better. Thanks for the help!

So he had his date of Friday and stayed out until 1 am. I think this first date lasted between 6 and 7 hours. Seems like a long time to me considering he was supposedly telling her he had found another relationship. I had asked him to call me afterward even if it was late, but he emailed briefly at 1 am to say he was too tired to talk to me.

Then I got really sick with the flu. He called yesterday afternoon and I told him that I was sad not to hear from him Friday night. He changed the subject. Then he told me that he had talked to his daughter about feeling hurt when she stood him up recently (I had advised him to tell her) and that she had instantly expressed remorse and apologized. He said it was a bonding experience and thanked me for suggesting that he be open about his feelings.

I then said, using his exact words to his daughter, "I felt hurt that you didn't call me on Friday." He started making excuses. I said, what did you daughter say when you told her you were hurt? And he told me. And then he acted confused by the conversation. I was beginning to feel really sick. I had a fever of 102, so I just said I was too tired to talk anymore and said good bye. He did not say good bye back, but I hung up anyway. He sent me an email later saying he was sorry he hurt my feelings.

But still, I am feeling like he wants me to be exclusive to him but rationalizes going out himself. In principle there's nothing wrong with him going out, it's the idea that it's a one time thing and that I should not go out even if he does. Based on my experience in other relationships, I am thinking that he'll have another reason next time. Or it will be something else that I can't make any sense of. I think I will not go to Denver but instead tell him he's welcome to visit here and stay in a motel. Going to Denver now feels like too much of an investment in the relationship.

Maybe I'm making too much of this. But it just feels like there is a disconnect between him telling me he's thinking about me all the time and the out 'til 1 am date.

He also made a point of putting her down, saying she was boring. I know this was intended to make me not feel threatened and insecure. But I don't feel insecure about that and it made me respect him less. It's such a cliché to reassure one woman by putting down the competition.

I guess that's what's happening, a fairly catastrophic breakdown in my respect for him. He also told me that he drank too much before she arrived (she was late) and earlier in the week, he told me that he drank a beer while driving. He tried to frame it as funny, but I didn't think it was funny. I guess I was a little surprised, shocked even. He's been through a lot in the last few years, and I'm sympathetic to that, but I'm sensing he's not ready for a stable relationship right now.

I think you're sensing right-and the way he drinks would be a red flag to me.
I most definitely wouldn't go to see this chap-if he comes to your city,fine,but it seems you're having second thoughts?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by asking

So he had his date of Friday and stayed out until 1 am. I think this first date lasted between 6 and 7 hours. Seems like a long time to me considering he was supposedly telling her he had found another relationship. I had asked him to call me afterward even if it was late, but he emailed briefly at 1 am to say he was too tired to talk to me.

Then I got really sick with the flu. He called yesterday afternoon and I told him that I was sad not to hear from him Friday night. He changed the subject. Then he told me that he had talked to his daughter about feeling hurt when she stood him up recently (I had advised him to tell her) and that she had instantly expressed remorse and apologized. He said it was a bonding experience and thanked me for suggesting that he be open about his feelings.

I then said, using his exact words to his daughter, "I felt hurt that you didn't call me on Friday." He started making excuses. I said, what did you daughter say when you told her you were hurt? And he told me. And then he acted confused by the conversation. I was beginning to feel really sick. I had a fever of 102, so I just said I was too tired to talk anymore and said good bye. He did not say good bye back, but I hung up anyway. He sent me an email later saying he was sorry he hurt my feelings.

But still, I am feeling like he wants me to be exclusive to him but rationalizes going out himself. In principle there's nothing wrong with him going out, it's the idea that it's a one time thing and that I should not go out even if he does. Based on my experience in other relationships, I am thinking that he'll have another reason next time. Or it will be something else that I can't make any sense of. I think I will not go to Denver but instead tell him he's welcome to visit here and stay in a motel. Going to Denver now feels like too much of an investment in the relationship.

Maybe I'm making too much of this. But it just feels like there is a disconnect between him telling me he's thinking about me all the time and the out 'til 1 am date.

He also made a point of putting her down, saying she was boring. I know this was intended to make me not feel threatened and insecure. But I don't feel insecure about that and it made me respect him less. It's such a cliche to reassure one woman by putting down the competition.

I guess that's what's happening, a fairly catastrophic breakdown in my respect for him. He also told me that he drank too much before she arrived (she was late) and earlier in the week, he told me that he drank a beer while driving. He tried to frame it as funny, but I didn't think it was funny. I guess I was a little surprised, shocked even. He's been through a lot in the last few years, and I'm sympathetic to that, but I'm sensing he's not ready for a stable relationship right now.

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There are a few red flags here.The drinking being a big one and the idea that he is still on the dating circuit and then putting down his date is pretty lame too.

I think your instincts are right on the money and I think you are wise to proceed with caution. :):)

Don't jump the gun. You can find a guy like that around here. Be patient

Thank you! It is so helpful to get some feedback on this. You guys are great.

Yes. I'm having second thoughts. But I feel sad about that because I really enjoyed talking and corresponding with him. You want someone to be the one when they are so much fun. I guess I'm looking for a middle ground, so I can have more time to decide what to do.

Sometimes people aren't who we thought they were,and that is sad. Find your middle ground and make your mind up when you're ready.
I hope your flu's better.

I talked to him today briefly and he said he drank a lot Friday night, "and I never do that." He added that he drove home drunk. At least he's honest... But this is sounding pretty unlikely. :(

You shouldn't have to be made to feel that you are "accepting" things that you wouldn't normally accept in a man, just because he is a potential LDR.

Whenever I feel like I"m "lowering my standards" or "Well, normally I don't like that, but... ", I step back and re-evaluate.

You don't think it is acceptable that he drove "buzzed" (me neither), why should you have to lower your standards and accept it in him? You feel you "have" to because you don't really know him and it could all be a mistake...

I'd say go with your gut.

I totally agree with you about not going to Denver. Things changed when he stayed out until 1, got drunk, and didn't call when he said he would. He needs to work for your affection now. He needs to make this right if it's going to work out.

Don't lower your standards for anyone. You've become the amazing person you are because of those standards. :)

Yes,sorry that's not good news. Seems drinking and driving's a habit of his.
I'd say it's very unlikely.

There's a lot of warning signs that are clear in this guy. It sucks, but when you give up a guy for his cons, you're giving up all of his pros too, but sometimes it's got to be done. You don't want to keep a guy around because you think his pros discredit his cons.

See, your instincts are kicking in. Something does smell fishy when it sounds like he wants you to be exclusive, yet he's going out on a date.

I sounds to me that you're not on the same page. I think you need to define the type of friendship/relationship you want with each other. If you can't find a mutual agreement, then maybe it's better if you go your separate ways.

It's tough to tie each other down if you're not committed to one another at a level that you're both comfortable with.

Okay. I have been gone from AMHD because I spend at least 2 hours a day talking to my guy from Denver. We get along wonderfully 90% of the time and when we have problems, we work them out. He has come to visit me twice and he's great and I am going to visit him next week.

But I have a question for which I need an objective opinion.
So here it is:

A friend's daughter is getting married in LA in June and it's important to me to go to the wedding. I suggested to Denver that he meet me there and we spend a couple of days in LA together. He immediately asked if he was invited to the wedding. I said I wasn't sure yet. We have so far spent a total of 6 days together, although probably hundreds of hours on the phone. I said I would ask my friends if he could be added to the guest list but that I wanted to wait to ask. I didn't say this, but I just don't want to embarrass myself with my friends by asking to bring a boyfriend and then realizing later it's not going to work out and having to tell them he's not coming. If we'd been together longer and things were going well, I wouldn't hesitate. I think this hurt his feelings, although he said it was fine.

Now he says he's not going to LA at all since he has yet to be invited to the wedding and his daughter has asked him to watch her dog that weekend. I want him to come to LA and I would probably want him to come to the wedding. I just wanted to wait another month or so, until closer to the RSVP deadline to ask. Also, he apparently thought I would have a ton of friends there and I just told him no, I mainly know the parents and their three adult children. I don't know if that was a factor.

Did I do a bad thing in stalling on asking my friends to add him to their guest list? We were going to offer to pay the difference, by the way. And they still might say no.

I feel like he's pushing a little too much. I am getting the impression that he's not satisfied with my level of commitment, at least on this issue.

PS. We have not met any of each others friends or family yet.
I am supposed to meet his grown daughter next week.

Don't want to burst your bubble but be careful! Words are easy, phone time is not a problem. I would suggest that you check out this person... Google, a non identifying call to his employer, credit check. People are not always as as they appear. If he is after you do the checking, then meet with him in a public setting (first letting someone know where, when and who you are meeting).

Good luck.

Asking,

I'm getting in very late in this one but it seems to me that you are being manipulated here.

My red flags are: his insistence that you be exclusive before you were ready for these labels, the early stage at which he said he loves you, I'm sorry but this is no school boy and he should know that love does not happen over the phone or overnight. (I am aware that you have met now but he was saying this beforehand!) His obviously manipulative and immature manner that he has dealt with this LA issue. For whatever reason you want to hold off for a while, whether he knows what that reason is or not, he should respect your thoughts and opinions. Especially regarding your OWN friends and family.

I think that the issue with the other woman earlier may have been a way of controlling as well, going out with her presuming you would be jealous and then putting her down, to elevate the relationship in your mind. Not only is that not classy but it's immature.

His drinking is another big red flag I don't agree with in the slightest, even if he does not care for his own well being what of the others on the road that he may crash into?

Asking, do you think, and I don't mean to be rude, but do you think he may have seen you as a vunerable older woman with a naïve streak? The only reason that I say this is that you seemed to have yourself in that mind frame when you began seeing him.

Please be careful. I have met a man from a dating site and as great as he seemed chatting over the internet and on the phone, he turned out to be a very possesive and single minded man. Not a bad man but not the right man for me. It took a while to realise this, but in the end I went with my gut and got out. In hindsight I was definitely right. Not saying this guy is the same as the one I was seeing but there are some definite red flags there.

Hi neverme. You make some excellent points that have given me a lot to think about.

Still, I am not sure-- I think I need to wait and see.

I have seen NO other signs of excessive drinking in the two months we've been in contact. I will watch for that when I go visit him. He was concerned that his over-21 daughter told him she drinks, but then it turned out she meant one beer. My sense is that he's usually conservative about alcohol. But I'll pay attention.

In general, this has been a much better than other relationships I have had. But he is definitely rushing things. I don't always feel like it's too much, but he keeps pushing things forward in a way that seems surprising to me, like talking about living together (asking if marriage is important to me), and moving out here.

I do think he's a good guy. But I also want more time. I guess I should not have invited him to spend time with me in LA without knowing if he could go to the wedding. It seemed appealing to me when I suggested it.

I don't THINK he sees me as a naïve, vulnerable older woman. That's certainly not myself image. (And he's the same age as me.) I am surprised I came across that way and will give it some thought.

So, to get back to the possible LA trip, it crossed my mind that he was being manipulative, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Maybe he is just saying what he wants, which is to go to the wedding with me. I can understand that. I guess what I'm asking is, Was it unreasonable to ask him to meet me in LA and NOT be invited to come with me to the wedding (it's not like he's going to know anyone)? Was that a hurtful thing to do? I guess if our positions were reversed I would not like it that much. But I also think I would be okay with waiting and trusting the other person to act eventually.