Threads merged

Been seeing this guy for about 3 months now. Initially we were going out on dates-dinner, theatre, movies. Led to hanging out at his place, watching movies, chatting, hanging out. Talking/texting pretty regular, at least every 2-3 days. Told me about 1 1/2 months after we started dating, that he pulled himself off the dating sites. Went out for lunch and he kissed me in the parking lot. About 3 weeks ago, he wanted to know what I was doing, told me I took to long to respond, and was heading home - I told him I guess he'd have to go home with the friend he had been out with, since then things have pulled back. Didn't see each other for 3 weeks, with intermittent conversation once a week. I think I wasn't ready for a commitment and said things that maybe made him think I wasn't looking for anything serious, other than an intimate physical relationship. Now I am wondering how do I go backwards. When we were together last, he and I talked for awhile, I felt a real connection, we kissed, made out and stuff, then afterwards, we were talking, he and I got kind of personal with him telling me that he was trying to pick up this girl at his work only to find out that she had a boyfriend, asking me why I was trying to set him with another girl (I told him I was with someone at that time - and this was before he and I got together). I am confused. Is he just not that into me. How do I rebuild this. When we are together things are good. Awwesome actually. I think we need to define the relationship.

How about giving him a call to see if he wants to hang out again.

Once you see each other face-to-face, it will be easier to go from there.

He is away for the holidays and I will be going away right around new years, so we won't see each other for over 2 weeks I am text messaging, I'm initiating to show interest. He is responding to most messages.

When I get back I will call him and see if we can set up a dinner date. :)

Ask him how he feels instead of wondering. Cut to the chase. A guy that makes out with you and kisses you may not be seriously "into" you. There's a good chance he's moved on- especially if he's looking into other women as potential partners. The best thing for you to do is to ask him how he feels for you.

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Been seeing this guy for about 3 months now

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Not only will it take more than 3 months to know someone, it will take a bit longer it seems, to understand what each other is saying. This is where you pay attention, and really get some honest communications going, and not assume or presume his feelings and actions, or your own.

Develop communications so you have an understanding of who your with. That's the only way you can work together to define what your doing.

I don't think anything so seriously wrong has happened that you need to read too much into this.

Christmas is a busy time for everybody. I wouldn't overdo the text messages, keep it casual. When you are both back to a regular routine again, as the others have said, ask him out and see what happens.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Been having an intimate relationship with this guy who initially the first month was aggressive with taking me out on dates, then it faded out to text messaging and having intimacy monthly, been 5 months we've been seeing each other. Just this week I asked where the relationship was going. Response was could go either way. But still wanted intimacy. Got together, he wanted me to sleep over, discussion arose about involvement with other people - he admitted he was having sex with 2 other people. But that he didn't have a "friendship" with them. He and I discussed unprotected sex and that no discussion had ever arose about sex with other people. I was really upset. He messaged and asked how I was doing. I told him I was pissed off and hurt. He said that he didn't mean to hurt me,that he likes me, and enjoys my company and that we should probably stop being intimate before he loses me as a friend and asked if he can call me. Thoughts/comments...

Well it def seems that the two of you were on different pages...

Its good you had the talk though so that you could figure this out.

Personally, If I was seeing a guy and I found myself in your shoes (i.e. he is also sleeping with someone else, wants to stop sleeping with me to just be friends) that would be it for me, I'd be out. I'd tell him that I'm not interested in being just friends. I'd just pull out... But that's me.

I think you need to take a look at what you're willing to live with.. sure 5 months isn't a long time, in the scheme of things, but since you had that talk and that particualar outcome. I think you need to look at what you are willing to accept. It made you upset that he was sleeping with someone while he was sleeping with you... and this is me guessing, so correct me if I'm wrong... you thought of it as more serious than what it turned out to be?

I think that you were both on totally different pages as to what you expected but now you know and he has been honest, when asked.

I don't think this guy has done wrong really, just that you both want different things.

I think if you value him as a friend and would like to continue that friendship that is your prerogative, but I think the intimate relationship... you should call to a close.

Best of Luck.

Not just someone, someTWO

Its good you had the talk though so that you could figure this out.

Personally, If I was seeing a guy and I found myself in your shoes (i.e. he is also sleeping with someone else, wants to stop sleeping with me to just be friends) that would be it for me, I'd be out. I'd tell him that I'm not interested in being just friends. I'd just pull out... But that's me.

I think you need to take a look at what you're willing to live with.. sure 5 months isn't a long time, in the scheme of things, but since you had that talk and that particualar outcome. I think you need to look at what you are willing to accept. It made you upset that he was sleeping with someone while he was sleeping with you... and this is me guessing, so correct me if I'm wrong... you thought of it as more serious than what it turned out to be?[/QUOTE]

Yeah.. two...

So I'm guessing your not willing to be friends...

1. tell him you are on different pages
2. you can't be friends

Think its just time to move on...

You put yourself in this situation.

You didn't set boundaries. You didn't tell him that you wanted to be exclusive. You had sex with him and from the sounds of it, you had unprotected sex.

You were never in a relationship, you were sex buddies. Friends with benefits. You allowed it, so don't blame him.

A person can only treat you how you allow them to treat you.

I've known him for number of years. I didn't set boundaries but neither did he. I don't blame him. He pursued me for months before anything happened. He's a player, simple as that. I'm all the wiser for it and am trying to take something positive as a learning experience. I didn't ask for this. If you are sleeping with someone and other people at least people should wrap it up if they are not committed to one person. I thought he was. My dumbness for following for his casenovagh ways...

I think you are absolutely right, wrong pages & end the intamacy, should have posed the question sooner, but life is full of many lessons. Some harder than others. We'll see where friendship goes. Sometimes you say you will be friends and that doesn't have a lot of meaning either. We'll see. Thank you.

I'm gald you're looking for the upside to this... i.e. it is an experience (good and bad) and a lesson.

We all grow as we go.

Best of luck to you!

Not only were you not on the same page (as the others have pointed out), it doesn't sound like he really cares about you. The fact that you didn't set any ground rules from the start qualifies you as friends with benefits.

But at the same time, if he really cared about you, he would remain faithful regardless of the ground rules. Sleeping with other women definitely constitutes as jepordizing, because if he's willing to sleep with multiple women at the time, it means his heart isn't in one place.

He's using you, you're using him. He just wants you as a friend- nothing will come of it, except maybe heartbreak.

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Originally Posted by I wish

Not only were you not on the same page (as the others have pointed out), it doesn't sound like he really cares about you. The fact that you didn't set any ground rules from the start qualifies you as friends with benefits.

But at the same time, if he really cared about you, he would remain faithful regardless of the ground rules. Sleeping with other women definitely constitutes as jepordizing, because if he's willing to sleep with multiple women at the time, it means his heart isn't in one place.

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Yeah, I thought about this before I read it. I should have set better ground rules, I broke my own rules by sleeping with him so soon after dating but had just split from a long term relationship, he happened to be there, had pursued me for months, and I gave in for my own selfish needs and then continued sleeping with him. He was growing on me, obviously I was not on him. He told me that he hasn't been sleeping with these women the whole time we were together, I suspect the last month or so since the last episode was a couple weeks ago and before xmas we had seen each other and he was wondering why I wasn't more upset when he talked about other girls. I want to delete him off Facebook and blackberry messenger, not sure if it might be too soon. I'm still emotional about this whole scenario.

I think you're thinking in the right direction, in putting an end to this 'relationship'.

After five months of not being together, you hop in the sack, and then ask him about other people.

Maybe talking first would have changed your mind.

While he was honest with you after you asked him, he could have also ended the relationship long before now. Instead he led you on with "it could go either way", when it had already gone the way he wanted it.

At the very least he's not interesting in a 1:1 relationship, or capable, or willing. His call, and it's pretty obvious.

I hope that you get tested for STD's, and be far more careful and in control the next time.

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Originally Posted by jfo

been having an intimate relationship with this guy who initially the first month was aggressive with taking me out on dates, then it faded out to text messaging and having intimacy monthly, been 5 months we've been seeing each other. just this week i asked where the relationship was going. response was could go either way. but still wanted intimacy. got together, he wanted me to sleep over, discussion arose about involvement with other people - he admitted he was having sex with 2 other people. but that he didn't have a "friendship" with them. he and i discussed unprotected sex and that no discussion had ever arose about sex with other people. i was really upset. he messaged and asked how i was doing. i told him i was pissed off and hurt. he said that he didn't mean to hurt me,that he likes me, and enjoys my company and that we should probably stop being intimate before he loses me as a friend and asked if he can call me. thoughts/comments....

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Is this the same person from December?
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...ng-427684.html

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Originally Posted by jfo

been seeing this guy for about 3 months now. initially we were going out on dates-dinner, theatre, movies. led to hanging out at his place, watching movies, chatting, hanging out. talking/texting pretty regular, at least every 2-3 days. told me about 1 1/2 months after we started dating, that he pulled himself off the dating sites. went out for lunch and he kissed me in the parking lot. about 3 weeks ago, he wanted to know what i was doing, told me i took to long to respond, and was heading home - i told him i guess he'd have to go home with the friend he had been out with, since then things have pulled back. didn't see each other for 3 weeks, with intermittent conversation once a week. i think i wasn't ready for a commitment and said things that maybe made him think i wasn't looking for anything serious, other than an intimate physical relationship. now i am wondering how do i go backwards. when we were together last, he and i talked for awhile, i felt a real connection, we kissed, made out and stuff, then afterwards, we were talking, he and i got kinda personal with him telling me that he was trying to pick up this girl at his work only to find out that she had a boyfriend, asking me why i was trying to set him with another girl (i told him i was with someone at that time - and this was before he and i got together). i am confused. is he just not that into me. how do i rebuild this. when we r together things are good. awwesome actually. i think we need to define the relationship.

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I am wondering what the real story is.

If the facts are somewhere between these two versions, then mixed messages from both of you are a huge part of the problem.

I think you need to step back and determine what you truly want in a relationship and whether you actually want one.

Yes I am the same person from December, I'm actually glad you noticed...
I wonder what the real story is too. I just got out of a long term relationship with a guy of 10 yrs, this guy friend with benefits pursued me for months, I gave in and went out with him 2 weeks after my breakup with the 10 yr guy. This friend, offerred so many different things to me and jumped in the sack with him to get over the other one. I'm really upset that this all happened with him. I feel I may have used him. He said to me the other day, so I'm the rebound guy. I told him the other night I didn't want a commitment but I wanted exclusivity, I told him I wasn't dating yet and that I was getting to a point where I would possibly, he acted all surprised that I wasn't dating yet. Then later that night he told me that he was sleeping with other people, that most recent was couple weeks ago, that it has not been the whole time. I have decided I need to stop all contact with him, I took him off fb and IM'ing. Comments/thoughts.. I appreciate what you have said so far, I was really surprised no one saw that before.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

Is this the same person from December?
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...ng-427684.html



I am wondering what the real story is.

If the facts are somewhere between these two versions, then mixed messages from both of you are a huge part of the problem.

I think you need to step back and determine what you truly want in a relationship and whether or not you actually want one.

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Check out my reply before. Additional comments welcome.

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Originally Posted by jfo

check out my reply before. additional comments welcome.

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Your threads have been merged

The question WASN'T if you were the same person. The question was whether you were talking about the SAME GUY?

If you just got out of a long term relationship, you should be spending time recovering from the break up. 10 years is a long time, so you're still in the rebound phase. You feel like after breaking up, there is a void inside of you, so you're quickly looking to fill that void.

Spend some time doing things for yourself. There's no need to rush into a new relationship.

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Originally Posted by I wish

Your threads have been merged

The question WASN'T if you were the same person. The question was whether you were talking about the SAME GUY?

If you just got out of a long term relationship, you should be spending time recovering from the break up. 10 years is a long time, so you're still in the rebound phase. You feel like after breaking up, there is a void inside of you, so you're quickly looking to fill that void.

Spend some time doing things for yourself. There's no need to rush into a new relationship.

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Yes, the posts were about the same guy.