I met this girl couple of months back. We started of as good friends then became very good friends, in the first week itself she told me that she had a boyfriend and is very much in love with him. I was fine with it because all I wanted was a friend. We came closer and closer to each other, spoke for hours at a stretch, smsed till 4 -5 in the morning. (She use to lie to her boyfriend, that she isn't feeling well just so that she can cut his call and talk to me ) Since I am single, I had no problem chatting and talking to her for hours and to be frank I loved it too. We discussed everything and anything and many a times it drifted to adult talks.

After some months, being so close to each other, I started having feelings for her and gradually fell in love. Before that itself, we use to say 'I love you' Since she was so close to me, I had no problem disclosing my feelings and she said that she loved me too. She loved me a lot but she also loved her boyfriend. Things hadn't been too good with her boyfriend and they had problems on some issues but they still loved each other a lot and that's what made them commit this long to a very serious relationship (3 years) She tells me that she hates her undecisiveness and she loves both of them, and doesn't want anything to change. She is still very much committed to him but she says that she isn't sure whether she would like to continue with him and is in a dilemma. Now the undecisiveness is taking a toll on me and making my life more and more complicated. She tells me to be patient and wait for her decision and this has been going on for 1 month now or more than that. She meets her boyfriend almost everyday and being human I get very jealous and keep thinking about her. I'm still a student and just thinking about her, I don't even study. I know I shouldn't do this but is uncontrollable. We still talk for hours everyday and she tells me that she loves me a lot and to be patient and be with her. If I talk to a girl for sometime, she gets so jealous that she says that she'd stop talking to me if that happens.

And this is not the first time she's being undecisive, she had a similar problem with her ex, she liked someone else even when she was committed to him and he came to know and they broke up because of that.

I'm a very spiritual guy and I feel guilty that I'm not respecting 'a relationship' Her boyfriend loves her a lot, and I feel that I am not being fair to him as well by doing this. BUT, I love her too and just a thought of leaving her, I get depressed and sulk. She keeps on telling me that she loves me immensely and if I leave her, she'll be shattered and wants me to be with her forever. She is a wonderful girl by nature but her undecisiveness I guess has always been a problem.

Please think of it and reply, I'm usually a good adviser, but since I myself is involved in this, I can't think of it because I just love her and its going to be bias. From this point, I guess I can't step back and be just a friend. Either I just cut contact, tell her frankly or just continue and wait for her decision and in the bargain feel uneasy, jealous and think of her 24X7. Thank you guys :)

This is the first thing in your post that stuck out for me personally.

If I talk to a girl for sometime, she gets so jealous that she says that she'd stop talking to me if that happens.

What right does she have to get jealous when your talking to a girl and threaten to stop talking to you if you do.

When she is in a relationship doing the same thing herself.

HYPROCRITE.

Anyway, You do realize that if she ever did break up with her boyfriend to be with you. It might be you she is doing that to with some other guy in the future??

Sorry to say but it sounds like you both have some decisions to make.

The ball is in your court. Do you wait around like a fool? Do you give her ultimatums because that is what she is doing with you.

It is time for you to make a decision on what is best.

She doesn't want to make any decisions and just wants both of them for now. But I know for a fact that if I keep waiting, ultimately I'll be the sufferer cause if it goes against me, I'm going to have a hard time getting over it.

And I do realize, that it can be the same with me what's happening to her boyfriend, but just to blindfolded and in love to think of that stage.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by nameofthegame

And this is not the first time she's being undecisive, she had a similar problem with her ex, she liked someone else even when she was committed to him and he came to know and they broke up because of that.

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I don't think she is being indecisive. I think she just likes having two guys. Girls like to do that because it gives them a kind of emotional security. I know because I'm a girl and I've done this exact thing before. And I can tell you, she is not truly "in love" with either you or the other guy. If she were, she wouldn't be doing what she's doing. And especially if she has exhibited this kind of behavior before, it's more just her nature than her being indecisive. And that doesn't mean she's a bad person, she's not I'm sure but probably she has some issues she needs to work out...

About love: she probably does love you and care about you, but isn't "in love" with you.

So here is what I'd advise you to do- get out of this relationship. I know you love her, but you also need to think about what is best for you. Tell her you do still want to be friends with her and that you care about her, then you need to start talking to other girls and get out of this mess.

Yes you will be depressed and heartbroken for a while, but it will go away after a while and you will be glad you broke things off with her when you look back at it later.

Love doesn't necessarily follow all the rules.

A serious relationship does not involve sneaking around, being anonymous to the world, hoping that you will be chosen over the other man, or waiting and participating in a three-way relationship.

While you have recognized that you have developed deep feelings for her, that is entirely dependent upon how she handles the other man, that she's been in love with for some time.

You are too hooked to quit, and not hooked enough that you are exclusive.

What do you expect in this three-way relationship. Who's needs are being met, and who's aren't.

The poor boyfriend! He goes blissfully along, thinking everything is okay, and you hide in the shadows, talking dirty to his girlfriend, hoping she will dump him.

Where do you think this is going. Why are you doing this, and is your self-esteem so low that you would settle for a controlling woman, who keeps two men hanging, while she makes up her mind who she wants?

I would encourage you to think really seriously about carrying on like this. Can you ever really trust her, even if you did have her to yourself? Do you seriously think she's going to dump her boyfriend? Would you choose to be involved with someone who is, for all intent and purpose, not available?

It is not healthy, and in the long run, the person you think you love, is not someone you can trust.

Finally, an old rule of thumb, if the relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

Thank you Jake, Jesus76 and Biddingmytime, I've talked to her seriously and she has asked me for 6 months. She said she'll decide within 6 months and let me know. 6 months is just way too much. Do you'll think I should cut all contacts with her? Or just keep her as a friend?

Cut all contact.

Love doesn't cheat. Love doesn't lie. Love is way more intense than "we talked a lot so we fell in love." Yes, you are being extremely disrespectfull. Why don't you read my response to your other related question... sorry to be so harsh, but if there's one thing I hate, it's cheating. (on top of that, there's been lying and deception. A relationship cannot survive when it comes out of lies, no matter how much you FEEL like you love her.)

I'm with Jesushelper on this one. I'd be dialing out. I'd never be willing to put my life on hold for anybody, for any reason, for six months.

You can do better.

There is plenty of fish out there, you just need to find the right single women out there.

I told her about the whole cheating thing, and she said that she know's its cheating and its okay if I step down.. but she wants us to remain the same.. talk as we always were.. say I love you.. etc

No, not a good idea.

She's stringing you along, that's pretty horrible. She's getting the best of both world and you're letting her. Tell her you are going to apply NC. Down the road, would you like to be with someone who cheats? I doubt it.

I spoke to her frankly about all this, and one fine day she called me up and said that '' She's decided to give her boyfriend one more chance and she wants me to be there with her.. she also said that we wouldn't talk so much as we used too. Initially it was very hard for me to accept that and I said yes, that I'll be there for you whenever you want as a friend. But now its becoming difficult for me, not to talk to her the same way, to accept that we won't be talking so much. She still calls up, but its not that much. Being a friend just makes me very uneasy, but at the same time I do not want to loose her too, she's just too precious

You already lost her... based on your meaning of "lost". If you don't have the emotional control to be around her occasionally as a "friend", well... then you don't, you'll have to stop listening to your feelings on this matter.

Since the choice was hers and not yours, this is going to be harder on you. You'll just have to bear it... it will take as long as it does. Don't add to the length by feeding the "thoughts" with additional pining and "what-if-ing"... etc. Just let the feelings come and go on their own until they stop.

They will.

Precious or not is irrelevant now, isn't it? Time for some deep breathing exercises until this all passes.

Hello guys.. Just been having a problem since few months..

I met this girl about 6 months back. We smsed each other. She told me on day 1 that she had a boyfriend.. and asked me not to flirt with her.. but I was taken aback when she started flirting the next day and used to tell me then that I din't know how to flirt. I enjoyed her company and started flirting with her.. with no other intention in mind. We use to only sms each other the first month. But we use to share thousands of smses everymonth with her boyfriend having no idea about it. We came very close to each other by exchanging these smses. She use to tell her boyfriend that she's going to sleep and talk to me over sms till 6 in the morning. I wasn't complaining. Cause I was enjoying her company and started liking her too.

One day, her boyfriend came to know about her sharing so many smses and our friendship.. and he was very uncomfortable with it.. felt very jealous. We use to still talk a lot and she use to lie to him most of the time.

They were in a serious relationship for more than 2 and half yrs.. and things weren't going good in the last 6 months cause of future instability.
But they still loved each other.

It had been almost 3 months and we came close to each other.. met couple of times.. spoke endlessly on the phone. Her boyfriend had a problem and he asked her to stop talking to me. But she negated and told him that he has to accept his friends. Finally one day he broke up. She says the main reason was that he couldn't take our friendship.

We were close but were never physical. After her breakup she was very very sad. Cause she really loved him a lot. Meanwhile we came even closer. Got physical.

I was really happy with ''us'' I was really thinking long term with her. Thought when she'd get over him, We could commit. We became so close we use to say love you many times and share everything.

I used to ask her whether she misses her boyfriend.. and she used to say no no.. And I found out one day that she was cheating on me now.

When I'd gone out of state, she met her ex cause he still loved her and she too. She met him couple of times and spoke to her on the phone slyly. For the entire month and never told me all that. When I used to ask, she just faked it, always. She even kissed her ex when I was out of state.


Then her ex came to know somehow that she use to tell me I love you and tell him I love you too. Clearly she was double timing. Agreed, she was pretty disturbed that month. Her ex got my number and told me about that. I was shocked to know. How can she hide? I was so good to her. I always asked her whether she missed him or not.. everything.


I was planning to leave her. I called her that night.. just to ask why did she cheat? Why did she back (She told her ex I was a big fighter cock... she told him that SHE WOULD NEVER COMMIT TO ME)

( I CAME TO KNOW ALL THAT CAUSE HER EX AND I HAD A LONG CONVERSATION ABT WHT SHE USED TO TELL EACH OTHER)


She started crying. Anytime I ask her direct questions, she always.. always starts crying. She did it that night too. She said that I always used to fight when she mentioned her missing her ex and she din't want to lose me. But at the same time she still had feeling for her ex. So she said I'm sorry I was a selfish. She said that she was very disturbed and she was planning to tell me in few days.


I hate people who fake and hide things. I couldn't believe the person whom I loved so much, hid and faked things. That night when I was out of town.. she switched off her phone, just so that I can't contact her and spoke to her ex for hours.

She cried a lot that night and said sorry. She said that she has realized her mistake. And she was this new person now who would never hide or fake.

Since I loved her so much and since she was really very important to me.. I accepted her apology.. but from inside it killed me that in my absence she hid, faked and kissed her ex and called him slyly all month long. That night she said she doesn't know whom she loves more. Me or her ex.

Then next day, I asked her.. do you think of getting back to her ex. She said that there is a 40% chance. ( Few days before she promised me she'll never ever commit back to her ex)

Now she says.. that she wants to get over her ex and commit to me in the future but has no surity. She said there might be a chance she might get back with her ex. I got angry and then she said give me 3 months and I'll let you know whether I can be with you.

I'm really confused with this girl. She says she wants to get over her ex and at the same time says in future there might be a chance that she might want to commit to her ex but tells me there is a 90% chance that she might commite to me in the future.

ACCORDING TO HER SHE can't COMMIT TO ME RIGHT NOW CAUSE SHE ISN'T 100% OVER HER EX.

I love this girl. But now its taking a toll on me. I don't know what to do. Please help!

Can't trust her at all after what she did to me.

Did to you? Are you crazy? You pursued someone who was taken, helped her cheat, instead of leaving her alone like you were supposed to do, and your mad at what she did to you? Unbelievable gall!

You got what you deserved is the way I see it. And will get more of the same if you try to continue down this really stupid path.

You both crossed the lines of good behavior, and will both pay the consequences.

Its almost funny really, she cheated on him with you, and then cheated on you with him! Isn't that hilarious? Sure it is, and both of you guys are doofuses for even wanting a lying cheating slut like that and thinking you have something so special.

Excuse me while I laugh some more.

I think Tal is having a bad night... (hug)

But even after you filter out the ridicule, Tal is still right.

You've chased a cheater, helped train the cheater to cheat, freed the cheater, landed the cheater... now you have the cheater, just like you wanted. Right?

There's an old Chinese Curse that goes something like:
"May you find what you seek."

Your story proves why this is a curse. You pursued this very thing, and you got it. So complaining now in any way about having a cheater is... well... to quote an insightful person... is "hilarious".

I'll not be so mean as the others. Though they are right, it is said a little bitter.

People look for certain things in people. You seem to look to be hurt. I know that cheaters can be seductive and make you believe they love you but let me tell you, you'll never know what love is until you find a girl that will be true. Love is shared with only one person and if there is a 40% chance that she is going to go back to her ex then there is a 99.99999% chance that she doesn't love you in the least. LEAVE HER AND STOP BEING A FOOL

So this guy sets himself up to be with a girl who is in a relationship... and does so by depending on her willingness to lie to the boyfriend... comes back when it blows up and says he hates it when people hide things??

Apparently you don't when it is to your benefit.

What a load of sh!t.

"cant trust her after what she did to me"... well, I agree with the can't trust her part...

Just wish you manned up a little and owned the what you did to yourself by making stupid decisions part.

Yeah... I'm not wearing soft gloves. I have little tolerance for cheaters and people who knowingly are with cheaters while cheating... and less tolerance for those who want to then cast themselves as victims.

Really??

Was dating this girl. It had been 2 months. We were physical as well. Been the best of friends and thought we loved each other a lot. One day then, I was contacted by her ex and he told me that she has been cheating on me. She use to meet him slyly and talk to him late nights telling me that she is out (when actually she was home talking to her ex). When I asked her, she got really panicy and eventually told me that she was scared to lose me and also that I would react in a very bad way.
Then she told me that, when her ex contacted her few days back, she was then confused who to be with and told me she has still feelings for her ex. So, she loved both of us then. But that time, she din't want to get back to her ex in spite of he being ready to do so.

During the next few months, I grew more and more insecure and couldn't trust her. I was thinking if she did love her ex, why was she physical with me? She told me it was just to keep me happy and she used to tell her ex that I fight a lot and will never commit to me.

The insecurities grew and the fights too. She kept talking and meeting her ex slyly. (I came to know later) I hated her for doing so, but she said that she has feelings for both. I agree, she is a sweetheart. I will never regret being with her cause she has made me smile lot of time and I have really enjoyed her company.

But she keeps on telling me that she is going to decide soon whom she wants to be with and clearly told me that her ex is more important to her than me and she loves him more than me too but told me to give her some time to decide. That's been happening since many months. Few days ago, she contacted me and told me she's going to decide after she comes back from her trip abroad.

Because of my insecurities (I'm a very short tempered guy) I have insulted her a lot and then felt very bad about it. Whenever she met her ex, I used to get really angry and make her cry. Say a lot of things, most of the times very hurting and she used to understand that it was out of jealousy.
I really couldn't control my jealousy but at the same time, in spite of spending these 8 months with me, she always gave me 2nd preference when it comes to her ex. Made me feel **** in front of him, insulted me. Told me to leave her alone when I used to contact her when she was with her ex. But would call back once she's done with her ex. But, I love her a lot, have enjoyed the time I have spent with her. She has really made me feel special and given me a lot of happiness.

She has been very unfair to me since last one month. Her ex told her that if she doesn't decide after coming back, he will go away. And in spite of promising me that she is with me during my exam times and monsoon, after what her boyfriend said, she called up and told me that as soon as she comes back she will decide.

She left today. Yesterday, I was out of town and I requested her, not to meet her ex cause I was feeling extremely uneasy. I have never asked her to do any thing. This was the only thing I requested but she said that I was being extremely unfair (Hasn't she been unfair to me all the time?) and in spite of me literally begging her not to be meet him for once, she met him. After I got really angry and started saying bad things, eventually she said that she has got other important people to talk to rite now who wants to say a good bye before she leaves. ( I agree she was being extremely sweet all the time, but I in my jealousy and anger was not reconciling and was just saying why did you do it)

She left for abroad. She spoke to her ex. I know she is going to come back and select him within a week.

She has still asked me to wait. But yest when she called me from the airport, I told her that I wanted to part ways, she just cut the call and never called back and left. I really want to move on. But I love her a lot.

Should I email her one last time saying how I felt about you and a good bye or just leave it and move on with my life?

It is clear she is still tied to her ex "told me she has still feelings for her ex" if she is meeting him with you not wanting to it is also clear she prioritises her ex above you. She has moved on with her life so you should too, this way you will be free from the stress that she is causing you.

Congratulations!

Your free!

She did not want you,she did not respect you nor love,she cheated on you.

I can read the anger in your post,and while I not condone the jealous behaviour,it is understandable,along with the anger you felt.

Let her walk away,disappear from her life,she has hurt you enough and left a legacy of mistrust.

Its up to you whether your willing to be used and abused once more,or are you going to pick up what's left of your dignity and say good riddence to her.

I met a girl 8 months back. We became friends. She was going through a rough patch in her relationship. We became friends and she got closer to me. I never had an intention of going further. But her boyfriend wasn't comfortable with her talking to me. Cause we used to talk late nights too. Eventually he broke up with her. As a friend, I told her to get back with him and we'd stop talking. But she din't. She came closer and closer to me and eventually we both fell in love. Later she confessed that her ex wasn't giving him much importance cause he was busy in building his career and she thought that she'll also show him that it doesn't matter to her and she'll also show him that he was doing a mistake.

Meanwhile we got closer, physical too. 2 months later, her boyfriend called her up again and told her that he wanted to get back. She got confused but told me that she told him that they should be friends. She kept telling me that she loved me. But spoke to him as well. And that made me uncomfortable now.

In few weeks I found out that she used to cheat on me and talk to her ex and kissed him once too. She cheated many times. Use to tell me that she is going out when she is at home talking to him.

I was really angry and I called and asked her and also told her that she's a cheat and insulted her. She apologized and told me that she was scared to tell me and she really got confused.

Now she kept telling me that she loved both and she wants time to decide whom to be with. Meanwhile she spoke to both. I always gave her a shoulder to cry on, always been there for her. Many times I caught her lying and told her and I was rude as well in telling her that she will always cheat and lie and never stop her habit.

Today after 8 months, she just cut complete contact. I knew that time was going to come sometime or the other, but just for the time we spent together and how close we were physically and emotionally.. she should have respected the relationship. She stopped picking up my calls and told me that she wants to cut contacts and gave a stupid reason. The reason was that she wants to get over me and she's not committing anyone. But she talks to her ex late nights, meets him often. Quite obvious what is happening.

I now hate her so much. She has always lied and cheated. But since I had feelings for her. I miss her too. We met almost everyday and I really miss spending time with her. I know she was a cheat but I get mixed reaction. Sometime I feel, it's okay.. if she's happy.. that's what I want.. but sometimes I really get angry and hate her for what she did and HOW SHE DID it. I called her yest to ask if there is something I can do to negate her decision. But she didn't pick and she said that she feels for me and wants to get over me. I've been trying to call her since few days. But she never picks up. She even told me that she just made out with me to keep me happy and she din't want it.

This was one of the sms she sent me.

''N even about saying love you to him was all part of being fair. I thought that since I haven't decided what I want I should try to keep both happy and say what I feel.. by saying love you to you and not to him I was being partial to you. I was just trying to be open. I'm sorry I went awry''.


And she kept on telling me that she is very scared of me and that's why she kept on hiding.

Sounds like she is confused however she is refusing to answer your calls to her so you should now go NO contact.

You'll find out more about NC and the rules on the Relationship Forum in the stickies at top of the first page. HERE

It would appear she's given you her decision by her ignoring your calls, and perhaps she is scared of hurting your feelings, or maybe you intimidate her by what you call her, and say to her.

No matter what though you need to go NC, for your own peace of mind and to get on with your life...

The phase 'what goes around comes around' comes to mind.

She has moved on or back,should I say.

Time for you to let this go,and move on with your life,go no contact,and start to heal.

There's a lesson here for you,don't get involved with some who is in a relationship or going through a rough patch with a boyfriend.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by redhed35

the phase 'what goes around comes around' comes to mind.

she has moved on or back,should i say.

time for you to let this go,and move on with your life,go no contact,and start to heal.

there's a lesson here for you,don't get involved with some who is in a relationship or going through a rough patch with a boyfriend.

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Have to spread some rep redhed35. You are so right.

You disrespected her relationship by getting involved, you can call it friendship. But talking to a girl who has a boyfriend all into the night is not cool. You don't be the crying shoulder to a girl having a bad time with her boy friend. That is asking for trouble.
Going off and calling her names is not cool either, but at any rate, she has let you know she wants nothing to do with you. Leave her alone.

How many times are you going to ask the same question, and get the same answers before you realize you don't chase a cheater, even after she dumps the dude she cheated on, because as you see she will cheat on you too.

You walked right into this situation with your eyes open. Now walk out of it.
Leave her alone and get a check on your temper.
She did to you what she did to her other boyfriend (with you by the way) Was she a liar and a cheater then? No, because it was with you.
Don't get mad at her, she is what she is and you ignored it because you were getting something out of it, her.

Still have to spread the rep.

OP you really really do need to open your eyes, was the shallow meaningless quick wham bam really worth all of this turmoil you're now obviously in, she didn't love you or want you and you really must learn to accept this and move on.

There's a lovely young lady out there some place with your name on her heart and whilst you waste time on this no hoper precious quality time with the one for you is ticking away.

Let it go, it died the death, go NC and get this nonsense out of your mind and head and then you can move on and find your dream girl.

This lots a nightmare it must be...