So, I recently (~2months ago) got out of a long term relationship (2 years). It hit me very hard and I came here asking for help. I received some great advice and I am thankful to all those who helped.

Recently I have been socializing with friends, and meeting new people. I met this girl a few days back and we went on a date yesterday. We went to a bar and had a drink. We talked for almost 2 hours. I noticed that she was into me because she kept on sitting closer, was interested in what I had to say, and played with her hair. Afterwards we went to a club and danced. She was very impressed with my dancing ability and we just had fun all night dancing. She still was interested in me because she felt very comfortable with me while dancing. She was touching my chest and enjoyed dancing close together. From there I took her home. At her place she took me inside to have me meet her roommates. They were all asleep. She showed me her place and came up to me to hug me. She placed her hands on my chest and was feeling up my arms and chest. As she hugged me she asked me when she was going to see me again. I told her hopefully real soon and that she could call me anytime. From there we proceeded back to the door. On the way there we stopped and she hugged me. She also went to give me a kiss on the cheek but I pulled her in and we started kissing. She was very much into it and we continued for a bit. She stopped and was breathing heavy and smiled. We continued to the door and we stopped again. We kissed for a bit more and we parted our ways.


Today I asked her if she wanted to go to a concert with me since I was invited by a friend. She told me she had to work until 10pm since she does babysitting as a side job on top of collegel, work, etc... I ended up not going because I chose to stay in and do homework because I have many assignments due real soon. I then texted her told her my my plans changed. I asked her if we could hang out after she got off work tonight. She texted me back and said that she needs to go to bed early tonight but would love to hang out real soon.


So here is my question.

Did she blow me off? Is she not interested in me? Was I too pushy or clingy by asking her 2 times?

What should I do? Should I wait for her to call back?

I asked a few of my girl friends and they told me that it is acceptable to ask what I asked her.

I don't feel bad or anything I just need to know what she is thinking.

Any help is appreciated.




On a side note though. To all the people that know me:

I am not looking for another relationship, I know I need to heal and take more time to myself before dating, and I know I need to stay true to myself and any woman I go on a date with.

Thanks in advanced for all the help.

I think it is wonderful that you are dating again, and it's good to hear you had a great time.

But, (isn't there always a 'but'?) enough time has not yet passed to get seriously involved with a new person.

That your date was honest enough to say that she's busy, or tired, or working, is enough of a hint in my opinion, that she's not ready to jump into anything hot and heavy.

Maybe the passionate kissing has her thinking that you expect the same the next time, or she is unsure of herself and wishes to go slow. Obviously you made a good impression on her, and her on you.

If you push now, and she is at all apprehensive, she will keep declining. I would wait, maybe a week or so, then send a casual email, and ask her out to something specific again.

But, allow some distance between the two of you. Nurture this one slowly, and try not to be in a position where you still have baggage from the recent split with your ex girlfriend.

Time and patience.

Thank you. That is exactly what I was thinking. Now that I asked twice I will not ask again for a while or I will wait for her to respond.

Sounds like rebound in the making. Do not. I repeat do not rush grieving. You will only have more pain down the line. 2 months after a 2 yr longterm relationship is waaaaay too soon to be dating again unless its absolutely casual. I stress really casual. You are overthinking this which says you are looking for something more than casual. Rememeber, she cannot be a replacement for your last relationship. You need to be whole by yourself. When you are confidnet in who you are and what you want it will be practically impossible to be clingy because eyou will respect yourself. Independent people have the #1 strength: Patience.

You've already showed interest in her by contacting her twice. So the ball is on her side of the court. Give her a few days to try to respond. If she doesn't then you can try again.

Take things slow, you're still on the rebound. There's no reason to rush a new relationship.

I would also suggest that you only meet in neutral places (i.e. restaurant, coffee shop, etc.). Going to each other's places could result in a lot of making out and you shouldn't be rushing that part right now as you are on the rebound. Focus on getting to know her better first.

Yes. I agree that I should not be going over to her place. I do not want to rush anything yet because I still enjoy having the freedom to meet many different people. I also agree on the fact that 2 months is still not enough. I am doing a hell of a lot better but there are still some emotions that I need to work through.

I will leave the ball in her court and see what happens from there.

Well, today she texted me asking to hangout on Tuesday. She asked if we could watch a movie or go for a walk. I am happy but worried at the same time.

I have this tendency to fall head over heals for girls. Once I establish that I like a girl, I dive right into it. I just got over (in process) a 2 year relationship and do not want to screw up.

I like this girl a lot and would like to get to know her more. But I am afraid that I will dive in to fast. How do I let her know that I would like to take it slow?

BUT EVEN MORE IMPORTANT, how do I tell MYSELF to slow down and not dive in?

Just focus on "talking only". No intimacy. That will keep things slow.

Stick to neutral places, not each other's homes. Don't contact her more than once a day.

Thank you I wish.

It is so weird how my heart can overpower my brain in these situations.

When I was on a date with her, I did not compare her to my ex. I did not think about my ex at all while on the date. I definitely think I have come far since the break up but there is something inside me that is telling me that I am not completely over her. I still love her even though she did horrible things to me. But I also do not want her to come back. Maybe I am just lying to myself. Who knows.

Can I continue seeing this new girl with these feelings? I mean I do not want to hurt her so I know for sure that I will not do anything to make her feel that way.

OR...

Should I stop all contact and just work on myself some more?

I really do like this girl so I don't know if I could do the second option.

Just go on the date. No need to explain to her why you wish to take it slow. At this point you two are just getting to know each other. Keep things simple for now. Don't skip ahead, enjoy the journey.

You're getting too far ahead of yourself. The problem with rebounds is that you're rushing to get into a new relationship.

Focus on one hang out at the time. Get to know her better. Enjoy the time you spend together. Don't get so far ahead of yourself. Don't think about the next date before you even go on this one.

Yeah I am definitely not rushing around to find a new girlfriend in order to heal my pain. I have gone on a few dates with several different girls. All of them with the exception of this one I have just had platonic feelings for them. But with this new girls I actually have feelings for her.

After the first date I kept on telling myself that it is OK if she does not call back. I told myself that it was just one date and I should not think any further than that. That is what I will do when I hang out with her this coming Tuesday.

Yep, you're saying something and you're doing something else. What you need is to be straight with her and tell her you need time alone. You DON'T need a relationship right now.

I know I do not need one. I can happy without one but there is something about this girl that attracts me to her. I've met and went on dates with drop dead gorgeous girls but I did not feel a connection at all. This girl is different and it is something that I would like to explore more. I am not saying that I want to be in a relationship with her. But I am saying that I would like to get to know her more and see what happens from there.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by A4Effort

Yeah I am definitely not rushing around to find a new girlfriend in order to heal my pain. I have gone on a few dates with several different girls. All of them with the exception of this one I have just had platonic feelings for them. But with this new girls I actually have feelings for her.

After the first date I kept on telling myself that it is ok if she does not call back. I told myself that it was just one date and I should not think any further than that. That is what I will do when I hang out with her this coming Tuesday.

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**Harshness Warning : Very differing opinion from the others as well

You are a complete walking contradiction and I have warned you against everything that you are feeling right now.

1) You are rushing things. You called her twice and acted a bit over the top
2) You already have feelings for her that shouldn't be there after a 2 year relationship JUST ended
3) You are already analyzing every action she takes, which is a red flag in anyone's book
4) You are already trying to talk yourself out of thinking she may not like you; you cannot possibly hang out with her and think logically, it has been thrown out of the window

I am not saying don't date or don't hangout with her, but you yourself said you cannot help going after something you like once you see it. This has rebound written all over it. Whether you see it or not, we can. What if you go on another date, your feelings get more attached and she ends up telling you she doesn't feel it with you? How would you feel? You really need to slow down and recognize certain things going on around you.

I have never seen a more discreetly arrogant poster than you are. You constantly talk about going on dates with these gorgeous girls, constantly talk about being extremely smart, active and fit and all the while you proclaim like you don't need another women, yet and still you fall head over heals for the first one that catches your eye, all the while still proclaiming like you won't "let" yourself get into another relationship yet.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by A4Effort

On a side note though. To all the people that know me:

I am not looking for another relationship, I know I need to heal and take more time to myself before dating, and I know I need to stay true to myself and any woman I go on a date with.

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:rolleyes: I've been around for awhile, and this statement is pure BS in my book. You know I got your back and I always will, but don't kid a kidder my friend.

Kc`s a 100% right. You don`t date and have feelings. Period. You are saying something and doing the complete opposite, you have made so many mistakes, you still continue to do them. Every time you do a mistake you come back here.

Don`t go on Tuesday, leave her alone tell her you don`t want anything. I warned you.

She may have a other boyfriend
Parents don't want her to hang out withu
Feels weird

Kc, I respect your opinion in every way and I agree with you that this could possibly end up bad. I also agree with you that I am rushing into things. I apologize for my errogent comments and I did not want those comments to come out that way.

I do not want a rebound relationship. But I also do want to explore this relationship a bit further. I want to do this the right way without it ending up in a rebound relationship. How can I do this?

Here is were I stand with my past relationship. I accept what has happened. I have stopped having my lows and have been just enjoying being myself again. I have focused my attention on school and work again. I do not see her. I do not talk to her and when I am in class I do not initiate any contact with her. I still love her but it is not the same love I once had. I think I will have these feelings for her forever. I have moarned and have gone through all the stages of the break up. I agree that I am not completely healed. I still need some time to pass.

I do not understand why I am rebounding. My definition of a rebound is finding someone to help you get over an ex. I am not going on dates with her in order to get over my ex. I do not want to get back at her or anything else.

As for analyzing, I overanalyze everything ad not just with dates. That is how I am.


So, I do not want to argue or defend myself because I true you all, especially kc. But I also do not want to leave this new girl. I want to explore and see what happens. If we end it after the second date then so it be. But if things progress than that is fine too.

So what I need from you all is some advice as to how to foster this new relationship without turning it into a rebound relationship.

Thank you for the honesty and I value all opinions. Also I would like to once again apologize for any arrogant commers.

Dating works like this: Have no expectations, keep it balanced and enjoy EVERYTHING! If you can live by those three simple things, you will reap the rewards. Expect NOTHING! Dating or even getting to know someone is not about reading their actions as a personal strike against you, it is about consuming all the good times and realizing that there are no absolutes, so you take what you can and give what you may, but at the end of the day, remain true to yourself.

To recap, I don't think you are arrogant, I just think some may get a feeling you consider yourself an extremely attractive and well put together guy. While that may be true, I want you to also remember it is the man who can do the talking with his action that gets the most out of everything.

Why don't you just focus on getting to know her better as a friend? At the same time, don't stop yourself from getting to know other people as well.

The problem is that you're considering more than a friendship with her.

Only when you've completely recovered from your break up, then you can start considering more romantic feelings for someone. But until then, just treat everyone you meet like a regular friend, including her.

Both posts make a lot of sense. I highly agree with the fact that I should continue meeting new people and just treat her like I would any other friend.

I think what screwed me up is the fact that we kissed and made out. After that my head started thinking.

I talked to some close friends of mine today who know the state I am in and also know about the break up. They basically said what you guys told me for the most part. They told me to treat it as a friendship and just enjoy one day at a time. They told me that I am over my ex and that it will not turn into a rebound relationship as long as I take it slow.

Well, second date went very well. I went in there telling myself to take it one date at a time and not look into the future. I said to myself to treat every date like it's the last one. We went for a walk and hung out around campus. We talked A LOT and kept on getting to know each other better. We ended up kissing a few times throughout the date and everything was great.

I am keeping it at this. I am not "working" on a relationship. I am just enjoying the time that I am given with her.

*sigh*, what's the point really, you don't listen. Don't you find it strange how fast you "healed" miracously after you find that girl. It's called rebound even if you say it's something else.

I also had my own possibilities of making out with girls right after my break up. One really hot girl was all over me and she was really pissed I didn't kissed her (so hot... ). Though I knew it was "only" a kiss, I wouldn't do it, it wouldn't be fair to her and to me, and I wouldn't heal properly. I actually wanted to live the actually pain and get better by MYSELF, so that I become a better person. I see the result now and I'm a have much better integrity than before.

You can either take your way or listen to us. The difference is that we have the experience you don't.

I think everyone needs to chill a little bit. I have felt this way before I met her. I am not looking for anything right now. I am just enjoying the journey. I am not trying to control anything that is happening. I don't feel weak anymore and I have all my emotions under control.

I like this girl for who she is. I am not bringing any baggage with me. I am happy if we don't go beyond friendship.

But you all can continue sighing. I appreciate everyone's opinion and I listen to it as much as I can but this time I think I'm right. I'll take my chances.

You know your healed, and ready for more, when your willing to take a risk.

Mind you though quick actions have their own consequences, but the point is when your having fun, have fun. No relationship talk for 6 months. Just date, and have other people places and things, to balance yourself so you don't get fixated on the girl, for now. Don't get carried away, by her, or yourself.

Its when things are going really great, is the time to keep it real.

Take KC's warning to heart, and have fun with no expectations for more.

I agree with you tal. I do not want to get out of control and have it turn into my last relationship where I invested ALL my time into her. I do want to have a balance where I can be happy with friends, dating, and everything else.

For example. I really want to hang out with her but I am choosing to hang out with friends tomorrow night and go out dancing. This weekend I am also choosing to hang out with my friends and go to a halloween party. She did ask me to hang out again and we will most likely hang out this Saturday but I am not putting her first. It sounds selfish but I am putting myself first. I need to enjoy MY life, not ours or hers or theirs.

There you go, its all about keeping your options and opportunities open, and more importantly, having the eyes to recognize them, and having the heart to pursue them when you see them.

Well last night was great for the most part. I went out dancing with friends and this new girl I've been seeing came along with a small group of her friends. We danced and had a blast. While dancing we really connect and there was definitely an attraction between us there. From there we decided to go to her place with her friends/roomates.

Her and I ended up talking in the living room until 3:30am. Here is the caution flag part. She told me how she had an ex that she broke up a few months back. She told him that she would give him another chance if he cleaned up (did drugs, etc... ). It turns out that he actually got his life together in the last few months. But now she says that she likes me very much and doesn't know what to do.

I didn't even know what to say so I just told her to make the decision that is best for her.

Having heard this definitely doesn't make me want to get into anything serious with her because I feel like she is not over her ex. So I think I will just keep it at casual dating/friendship.

What do you all think of this situation?

Is that the same girl you went out with and make out?

Yes

It's your decision basically, but it depends on what you want. If you feel ready to go into another relationship go for it, but be sure you are completely healed up though, so I'd advise against that.

I think the process after the break up should be healing up, then after healed up, give yourself between 2 to 4 month as a single (blocking any girl's attempt). After that just live normally and if something happens, then great, if not then you don't care because your life is wonderful without it.

My take on this is neither you nor the girl you've been dating are properly healed from your breakups yet.
I agree with paxe-several months of just dating and having a good social life is the best way to go.

I agree. Especially since my ex keeps stabbing me. Today without a choice I had to listen to how she is hanging out with 2 guys and having a great Halloween weekend. She pisses me off so much. I had a great time last night an this weekend will be great too but she keeps hurting me this way and it's making it difficult to move on.

I think this has been said before-it's because you still have to see her quite often that it's diffficult to move on-but at some point you'll have to make up your mind to ignore her completely-start by faking it till you make it.

Your mad at her because she is doing, what your doing, but she is doing it with two guys?? What's the logic in that, and how is she stabbing you now?

As to the date, your having fun, aren't you? Doesn't matter what her issue is, she is fun, doing what your doing, HAVING FUN. I think your seeing what I have been saying, date them all, so your solution is clear, broaden your dating circle.

Did you tell the new girl about your break up, and wasn't looking to get serious? Buddy, that's a shared laugh. Keep it fun!!

Well what I am trying to say is that I am not mentioning to my ex how I've been dating this girl. I always use the term friends and try avoid hurting her. She on the other hand flirts in front of me and tells me all this I don't want to hear. I avoid every possible contact but she always tries to talk to me. I keep things short a simple but she tells me more then I want to know.

But this new girl is very much into me but still has some baggage from her last relationship. I told her about my ex and that relationship. I told her how I am living in the moment and not looking forward too much.

This is just another low that will pass. I will be fine later tonight. I am going out with friends and will possibly see the new girl again.

I hope you had a good time and that you re feeling better today.

So lets talk about mistakes.
Oh boy.

What happened?
Am I going to say I told you so lol?