Ask Me Help Desk - Dating multiple people

Dating multiple people

In many of my answers I often tell people to date, dating is not just one person but you can date several people until you get to the point of a serious relationship.

But what about sex, does dating today normally involve sex, OK I know different groups have religious or moral ideas but I am talking about just what I would call the majority of people.

So what is your opinions

When I tell people to date several people am I telling them to also sleep with them ?

If so, is it wrong in the US, Canada or Europe culture as it is today to have ongoing sexual relationship with more than one person at a time.
*** Ok, not at the same time but whle seeing others.

In my opinion dating shouldn't not involve sleeping with any party.
Dating is something prior to that stage, it's getting to know someone.
For the majority of people though I believe that dating involves a sexual relationship.
Sex is so much more casual it seems now.
In my view, that is horribly dangerous and demoralizing.
But personally I have dated a variety of people while not sleeping with anyone.
If I decided that I wanted to take a relationship to that level then I would cut off all dating with any other person and focus on the person I was most serious about.

My opinion is that if you are dating and not in a serious relationship with anyone, do whatever you feel comfortable with. I do not believe there is anything wrong with casual sex so long as safety is considered.

As long as both people are okay with it and are being smart and safe with their other partners, I think its fine.

However, it may be safer not to unless you REALLY trust the person you sleeping with... cause if they are careless with sex then you could be subjecting yourself with some STDs

Realize that it's been a while since I dated, and the last time I did I was a teen, so take my answer with a grain of salt. ;)

If I was in the dating scene today I would probably not have sex with guys that I was dating, especially if I was dating more then one guy. I'd wait until I decided on the one and we had an actual relationship, not just going out and having fun.

As a teen, I would have had no problem sleeping with guys I was dating, even if there was more then one guy. Ya, I wasn't an angel. :(

I think it depends on the people involved, their beliefs. It also would require a lot of open communication because I do think that the people you're involved with should know if you're having a sexual relationship with someone else.

I really think that it depends on the person.

When I first met my husband about 10 years ago, he was 'dating' a number of women and sleeping with them. He'd had a number of responses to a 'personals' advertisement and was working his way through the 'responses'. It was very casual and I think they were aware of what he was doing.

He told me, and I told him that I wasn't interested in having sex with him while he was sleeping with anyone else. However, we continued to see each other and do things together. After about 3 months he told me he's stopped seeing any of the other women. I said 'that's nice". About a month after that we slept together for the first time.

So I guess that's both sides of the question you're asking - some people are OK with it (I guess it's important to be open about it), and some people, like me, prefer to date one person at a time and have sex with them.

I would suggest that the norm in English speaking countries is for serial monogamy - it's generally accepted that if dating involves sex, then you don't usually do it with anyone else. Of course there are always exceptions!

Aids, herpes, and hepatitis, and a host of STD's, kept me from having sex with different partners back in the day, but dating is not about sex(?), its about good clean fun.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Aids, herpes, and hepatitis, and a host of STD's, kept me from having sex with different partners back in the day, but dating is not about sex(?), its about good clean fun.

Thats my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Dating without sex is just buying dinner for someone you don't really like...

Kind of stupid, if you ask me. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by stevetcg

Dating without sex is just buying dinner for someone you dont really like...

Kinda stupid, if you ask me. :)

You never know if you like them or not without dating them. And having a social life beyond sex, and romance, is crucial, and far from stupid, but rewarding, as far as friends, and activities go. Who says you're the one paying??

So I take it that you expect sex when you take someone to dinner? Bowling? Golfing? Volleyball at the beach? Movies, Plays, Darts?

If you read some of the stories here, sex complicates dating, when its done early on, in the dating process.

I am only 17 (Actually I am turning 18 on the 19th WOOHOO!).
And I am a virgin. This shocks some people I know. Which in turn shocks me.
I know a few people of the age of 14 or 15 who are not virgins. It seems to me that sex has become so casual, or that people rush into these things mindlessly.
I personally believe that sex should be something special, with the person you love and will marry.

When I was single, and dating multiple women, I was having sex with them. I was as careful as a condom allows, but still... That was over 12 years ago, and I consider myself very lucky as to NOT have contracted an STD. Looking back, I realize I was a sex addict, and didn't really want to be alone. Plus I was very loose back then. I knew I wanted to get that out of my system before I got married.

I found a wonderful woman who I love with all my heart, and would never consider cheating on her. She knows about my past, and loves me unconditionally. I've truly been blessed.

Nowadays, I think sex is a big part of dating. At least for the guys I work with it is.

Good on you joseph, sounds like you have found a good catch. For that matter, sounds like she has in you as well.
Sex is a big part of dating for some people, doesn't mean it should be. Sex should never be someone's goal.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You never know if you like them or not without dating them. And having a social life beyond sex, and romance, is crucial, and far from stupid, but rewarding, as far as friends, and activities go. Who says your the one paying???

So I take it that you expect sex when you take someone to dinner?? Bowling? Golfing? Volleyball at the beach?? Movies, Plays, Darts?

If you read some of the stories here, sex complicates dating, when its done early on, in the dating process.

I don't ever expect sex (and didn't when I was dating either). It just seemed to work out that way.

And I always paid. Not because I wanted something back... that's just how I was raised. I worked really hard to be able to afford to pay - and it made me feel good to do so.

Pardon my flippant attitude...

No problem Steve, its just that some people get attached by sex, or lust, and breaking hearts (mine included) was not my intentions, and casual dating just for fun, with no expectations, is like practicing safe sex, but on an emotional level.

I was raised to pay also, but have been asked out more than a few times, and they paid. I felt special, and honored, LOL.

IMO, the problem is not casual sex. Casual sex is not a bad thing. The problem is that not everyone can or will distinguish sex from love.

There are many time that sex is a replacement (and economically friendly) for other activities. Going out is expensive. Staying in is not. I don't find anything wrong with that mentality.

I dated a girl a few years ago and we had sex on the first date. The date was just OK... a little tense. The sex was great.

She is downstairs right now with our two kids wearing a ring that matches the one that I am wearing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Aids, herpes, and hepatitis, and a host of STD's, kept me from having sex with different partners back in the day, but dating is not about sex(?), its about good clean fun.

Thats my story, and I'm sticking to it.

I like your story

Quote:

Originally Posted by stevetcg

IMO, the problem is not casual sex. Casual sex is not a bad thing. The problem is that not everyone can or will distinguish sex from love.

There are many time that sex is a replacement (and economically friendly) for other activities. Going out is expensive. Staying in is not. I dont find anything wrong with that mentality.

I dated a girl a few years ago and we had sex on the first date. The date was just ok... a little tense. The sex was great.

She is downstairs right now with our two kids wearing a ring that matches the one that I am wearing.

Does this mean that the news of the marriage is no longer a secret?

My concern with casual sex is/has been - and I'm talking safe sex here - that my idea of "casual" may very well be someone's idea of not casual, serious, relationship sex.

I think men can sometimes (and maybe women, too - I don't know. I don't date women - :)) nod their heads "yes" when "you" explain this is casual even though the words are not passing through their brains. Next thing you know - problems.

You just have to read the post here about feeling developing after "casual" sex, and then wondering if the partner feels the same. Or the ones, where the partners have sex early on, and assume the other partner's feelings are the same. Or the ones who hit it, and move on, and the partner is left devastated, and wondering "what happened, why haven't they called"? Yep! Problems.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Does this mean that the news of the marriage is no longer a secret?

My concern with casual sex is/has been - and I'm talking safe sex here - that my idea of "casual" may very well be someone's idea of not casual, serious, relationship sex.

I think men can sometimes (and maybe women, too - I don't know. I don't date women - :)) nod their heads "yes" when "you" explain this is casual even though the words are not passing through their brains. Next thing you know - problems.

I didn't know it was a secret. :-D

My idea of casual is no more than 3 different partners in a 24 hour period. Anything more than that crosses a line.

I think the word "dating" is ambiguous. It can mean sex or not.

It's obviously fine to have dinner with more than one person if you are not intimate. Personally, I would not have sex with multiple partners and I don't expect a "date" too either. I figure if he's doing that, he's not available for a serious relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You just have to read the post here about feeling developing after "casual" sex, and then wondering if the partner feels the same. Or the ones, where the partners have sex early on, and assume the other partner's feelings are the same. Or the ones who hit it, and move on, and the partner is left devastated, and wondering "what happened, why haven't they called"? Yep! problems.

But if the 'offender' is up front about what they want, who's fault is it if the offendee gets hurt?

As long as everyone is honest about what they are after, no one has anyone but themselves to blame.

Quote:

Originally Posted by asking

I think the word "dating" is ambiguous. It can mean sex or not.

It's obviously fine to have dinner with more than one person if you are not intimate. Personally, I would not have sex with multiple partners and I don't expect a "date" too either. I figure if he's doing that, he's not available for a serious relationship.

Depend on who you ask. I think you are confusing dating with exclusive.

So having dinner is OK but sex isn't? How about heavy kissing? Oral? Where does the line get drawn.

There are those that think that a goodnight BJ is just a polite way of saying "I had a nice time tonight - call me"

I see a huge difference between telling people to date around and sleep around. Going on a few dates when you're not in a committed relationship doesn't mean sleeping with all of your dates as far as I can see.

Quote:

Originally Posted by justcurious55

i see a huge difference between telling people to date around and sleep around. going on a few dates when you're not in a committed relationship doesn't mean sleeping with all of your dates as far as i can see.

Guess we'll just have to agree to disagree then... :)

Edit: After all, how do you know if you want to date them again if you haven't had sex with them?

I'm OK with agreeing to disagree. :)
I think I could have worded it better though. I don't think it means you HAVE to. I don't think more or less of anyone that does have sex after a first date.

Quote:

Originally Posted by stevetcg

Guess we'll just have to agree to disagree then... :)

Edit: After all, how do you know if you want to date them again if you havent had sex with them?

I agree. At this point in my life, I can't become seriously involved in someone if I'm unaware of the sexual chemistry.

Quote:

Originally Posted by stevetcg

I didnt know it was a secret. :-D

My idea of casual is no more than 3 different partners in a 24 hour period. Anything more than that crosses a line.

I wasn't sure about the "secret" part but now the cat is out of the bag!

And congratulations! And many, many happy years.

And now back to dating multiple people - which I assume you are no longer allowed to do. My husband was also touchy about that. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I wasn't sure about the "secret" part but now the cat is out of the bag!

And congratulations! And many, many happy years.

And now back to dating multiple people - which I assume you are no longer allowed to do. My husband was also touchy about that. :)

I haven't actually asked yet, but I can imagine how that conversation will go. :-D

Quote:

After all, how do you know if you want to date them again if you haven't had sex with them?

If you both had a great time WITHOUT having sex, why not?

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

I agree. At this point in my life, I can't become seriously involved in someone if I'm unaware of the sexual chemistry.

What do you mean by "at this point in [your] life"?

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

If you both had a great time WITHOUT having sex, why not??

Because you are presumably looking for the one person that you are going to be having sex with for the rest of your life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by stevetcg

Because you are presumably looking for the one person that you are going to be having sex with for the rest of your life.

Agreed BUT do we agree that sex isn't the only thing "we" should be looking for? My husband was an invalid for a long time (enough said about that). Thank goodness I honestly love the man because if it had been all about fireworks and shooting stars we would not have lasted.

But maybe this conversation is just about sex and dating multiple people and I'm bringing it down.

As far as dating and having sex with multiple people - I'm not interested in having sex today with someone who had sex with someone else yesterday. Of course, you don't always know.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Agreed BUT do we agree that sex isn't the only thing "we" should be looking for? My husband was an invalid for a long time (enough said about that). Thank goodness I honestly love the man because if it had been all about fireworks and shooting stars we would not have lasted.

But maybe this conversation is just about sex and dating multiple people and I'm bringing it down.

As far as dating and having sex with multiple people - I'm not interested in having sex today with someone who had sex with someone else yesterday. Of course, you don't always know.

Don't get me wrong, I never did either... but not because I think its wrong... I just didn't stack dates like that. I never had a sexual relationship with more than one person at a time. I just don't look down on those that do, so long as they are up front about it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by stevetcg

Guess we'll just have to agree to disagree then... :)

Edit: After all, how do you know if you want to date them again if you havent had sex with them?

Because they are interesting, intelligent, have good manners, appear to be kind, educated, have lots of friends, love their mother--unimportant things like that. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

What do you mean by "at this point in [your] life"?

I meant that, for me, a lasting relationship is no longer out of the question--I graduated college and looking to buy me a home or condo--and I don't believe that's possible if the relationship hasn't been consummated, we can call it that to bring elegance to the matter. In my teenage days it really didn't matter what or who I did 'cause, as Vince Neil once said, I was "too young to fall in love".

In other words sex was only something to look forward to back in my teenage years where it may or may not happen... no big deal. But now, it's a prerequisite.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

I meant that, for me, a lasting relationship is no longer out of the question--I graduated college and looking to buy me a home or condo--and I don't believe that's possible if the relationship hasn't been consummated, we can call it that to bring elegance to the matter. In my teenage days it really didn't matter what or who I did 'cause, as Vince Neil once said, I was "too young to fall in love".

In other words sex was only something to look forward to back in my teenage years where it may or may not happen... no big deal. But now, it's a prerequisite.

What or who you "did"? I'm too old for this board.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

I meant that, for me, a lasting relationship is no longer out of the question--I graduated college and looking to buy me a home or condo--and I don't believe that's possible if the relationship hasn't been consummated, we can call it that to bring elegance to the matter. In my teenage days it really didn't matter what or who I did 'cause, as Vince Neil once said, I was "too young to fall in love".

In other words sex was only something to look forward to back in my teenage years where it may or may not happen... no big deal. But now, it's a prerequisite.

Sex is a prerequisite? Wow!

Okay, I have to point out that I did fall in love in my "teenage" years. Albeit the last teenage year but still. ;)

Back in the day I wasn't at all particular about the guys I took to bed. Regrets, yes, major regrets, can't change the past, no use beating myself up, it's done.

But, if I was free to date now, I wouldn't be having sex with every Tom, Rick and Harry (I had to say Rick, AMHD doesn't accept the other word :()

I wouldn't judge someone that does sleep around, I don't have the right to, but, why sleep with everything that moves? Why not wait for that someone special?

Am I totally off?

OMG, am I old? :eek:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

I wouldn't judge someone that does sleep around, I don't have the right to, but, why sleep with everything that moves? Why not wait for that someone special?

The same thing could be said about non-sexual, Plutonic dating, why not wait for someone special?

I think if you're going to get to know someone, you've got to get to know them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

The same thing could be said about non-sexual, Plutonic dating, why not wait for someone special?

I think if you're gonna get to know someone, you've got to get to know them.

But does getting to know them have to involve sex?

Trust me, most of the guys I slept with, I didn't know them at all. Heck, I couldn't tell you their names, I couldn't pick them out of a line up. Ya, like I said, I wasn't an angel. :(

Getting to know someone doesn't have to involve sex. Talking is a good thing. Dating helps you get to know someone. Sex is great, but you don't have to know someone, love someone, heck, you don't even have to like someone to have sex.

I don't believe in waiting for marriage, you should test the waters before you dive in, but dating multiple people and having sex with them? I don't think so, not nowadays.

Again, maybe I'm getting old. Maybe my morals caught up with me. Just how I feel now. Wish I had felt that way 20 years ago. ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

But does getting to know them have to involve sex?

Trust me, most of the guys I slept with, I didn't know them at all. Heck, I couldn't tell you their names, I couldn't pick them out of a line up. Ya, like I said, I wasn't an angel. :(

Getting to know someone doesn't have to involve sex. Talking is a good thing. Dating helps you get to know someone. Sex is great, but you don't have to know someone, love someone, heck, you don't even have to like someone to have sex.

I don't believe in waiting for marriage, you should test the waters before you dive in, but dating multiple people and having sex with them? I don't think so, not nowadays.

Again, maybe I'm getting old. Maybe my morals caught up with me. Just how I feel now. Wish I had felt that way 20 years ago. ;)

If something happened with my marriage( GOD forbid), and I was single again, I wouldn't do what I did in the past. I think I would be more careful of who I dated. I would be interested in getting to know one person, not several at one time. But I wouldn't want to be celibate, not for a long period. After my first time , I knew it was going to be an important part of my life.

I'm very happy and content now, and am glad to not be in the single category anymore. My life is great and full, not chaotic and empty, like it used to be.

I want both of my sons to enjoy their lives, and to be sure they are READY to get married, when the time comes. I think it's best to get your wild oats sewn before you settle down.

Unfortunately, relationships like Alty's, which start young, don't seem to last in today's time, like they did a hundred or so years ago. Of course back then they didn't have the temptation like we do now.