Ask Me Help Desk - Answer for a friend

Answer for a friend

I have a friend of mine, She's been dating this guy for two months, who just dumped her through a text message, then after he hadn't heard from her for a while, he calls up a friend of hers to ask whether she's moved on, and how she was doing. The girl said to him "after dumping her through a text message why do you need to know whether she's moved on, yeah she moved on she's very happy, Then he replied the reason why he dumped was because he felt that she was getting to attach. The girl called my friend and told her what the guy had had told her. My friend wants to know whether she should call the guy, or just let it go.

Let it go. Hearing this type of information just prolongs to pain and suffering. It is completely unnecessary. It's time to move on to better things in life...

OK.. check this out

1) The guy is immature for a few reasons.. he felt she was getting too attached to him, so he pushed her away instead of talking to her about it? Way to have open and honest communication. That's a failed relationshiop before it even got started.

2) He broke up with her through a txt message? Loser... no questions asked. Get some balls and man up and speak to her in person.

3) He called a friend of a friend to ask about her etc after he broke up with her through a txt? Red flags all around... he doesn't know what he wants.

Move on.

Thumper

Quote:

Originally Posted by CrazyThumper

ok..check this out

1) The guy is immature for a few reasons.. he felt she was getting too attached to him, so he pushed her away instead of talking to her about it? Way to have open and honest communication. That's a failed relationshiop before it even got started.

2) He broke up with her through a txt msg? Loser...no questions asked. Get some balls and man up and speak to her in person.

3) He called a friend of a friend to ask about her etc after he broke up with her through a txt? Red flags all around... he doesn't know what he wants.

Move on.

Thumper

You are right, but my friend has a lot of feelings for him still, and she keeps asking me whether she should call him

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunflower811

You are right, but my friend has alot of feelings for him still, and she keeps asking me whether or not she should call him

Ok and the answer is no.

She should also tell her friends, that she doesn't need any updates about her ex.

He did not show her any courtesy, why worry about showing him any? That is just giving him back the upper hand. Let him wonder.

Everyone's right here. Your friend doesn't need a boy and I do mean boy, because a real man would never send a text message to break up. A real MAN would talk to her and let her know how he felt and that he didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. She doesn't need updates on him checking on her life as of now, she needs to move on and forget him.

My friend decided to text him for father's day, and he replied "thank you darling what a suprise" so she answed your welcome. She wants to know whether she should call him

No she shouldn't call him, I wouldn't even have recommended the Father's Day text.
If he walked away because she was too attached, how does that seem when she is looking for any excuse to make contact, that is just reaffirming his fear.

He clearly wasn't on the same page for where the relationship was heading and how fast.

Time to let go.

NO, why hasn't he called her if he really cared. Maybe he has a babies mama that takes up his time.

Don't encourage her to keeping making a fool of herself.

He felt she was getting too attached so what is he going to feel if they get back together and he feels the same again?
What is she going to feel if he dumps her again?

He sounds immature and is regretting his decision.Maybe his plan B didn't work out.I agree with everyone here.Why waste time on this,what is past is past and the texting to break up is so cowardly and lame that it reflects on his character and I question that he has much.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

NO, why hasn't he called her if he really cared. Maybe he has a babies mama that takes up his time.

Don't encourage her to keeping making a fool of herself.

I'm guessing the reason he hasn't called, is because I did tell him she moved on, and maybe he wouldn't know what to say if he did call her

Quote:

Originally Posted by artlady

He sounds immature and is regretting his decision.Maybe his plan B didn't work out.I agree with everyone here.Why waste time on this,what is past is past and the texting to break up is so cowardly and lame that it reflects on his character and I question that he has much.

Maybe he did regret his decision, but at the same my friend still has feelings for him. She has no clue on what to do, and I have no clue on what to tell her

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunflower811

Maybe he did regret his decision, but at the same my friend still has feelings for him. She has no clue on what to do, and I have no clue on what to tell her

For someone who isn't involved, I don't understand this statement.
The opinions have been fairly clear, consistent and repetitive.
For a 'friend' you seem a little unwilling to let this go. Your 'friend' needs to leave this guy alone and move on with her life.

If they do decide to get back together they need to have a serious talk first so they are on the same page about things.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

No she shouldn't call him, I wouldn't even have recommended the Father's Day text.
If he walked away because she was too attached, how does that seem when she is looking for any excuse to make contact, that is just reaffirming his fear.

He clearly wasn't on the same page for where the relationship was heading and how fast.

Time to let go.

What she told me was, the reason she wants to contact him, is to tell him she's not mad at him for what happened, that she understands, and that she does not want to be enemies with him, she wants to know if she ever see him walking around one day, that she's able to say hi and he's able to say hi back

Yet if she sees him walking around, let her say 'hi'.
He wanted her to back off, he thought she was too attached.
Yes he responded to her text, big deal.
I am not so rude that if my worse enemy texts me Happy Glockenspile that I ignore the text completely.
He texted back said an appropriate thank you, not 'gee, I miss you', 'it's so great to hear from you', 'been wondering how you were'... nothing...
He said thank you, that's it, because I am sure he was genuinely surprised that someone he is trying to distance himself from text him to say 'Happy Father's Day'.
This isn't rocket science.
He doesn't want to be attached.
He broke up via text message.
It's time to let him go.
Stop hanging on, you have no emotional involvement and you are just as clingy to the idea as she is.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

For someone who isn't involved, I don't understand this statement.
The opinions have been fairly clear, consistent and repetitive.
For a 'friend' you seem a little unwilling to let this go. Your 'friend' needs to leave this guy alone and move on with her life.

Im unable to let it go, because I feel her pain, and she's like a sister to me, guys are jerks.
Yeah I've told her to move on when he dumped her through the text. All of a sudden he calls me out of the blue to see how's she's doing and if she's moved, ever since I told her what happened, she hasn't been able to leave his name alone, she's asking question here and there, she told me she sent him a text on Father's day, and so on and so forth

A smart and true friend would know better than to reopen that wound for another friend.
There aren't any clearer answers to give.
A two month relationship is easier to let go of then two year.
Hold your red flag and find some peace.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Yet if she sees him walking around, let her say 'hi'.
He wanted her to back off, he thought she was too attached.
Yes he responded to her text, big deal.
I am not so rude that if my worse enemy texts me Happy Glockenspile that I ignore the text completely.
He texted back said an appropriate thank you, not 'gee, I miss you', 'it's so great to hear from you', 'been wondering how you were'... nothing...
He said thank you, that's it, because I am sure he was genuinely surprised that someone he is trying to distance himself from text him to say 'Happy Father's Day'.
This isn't rocket science.
He doesn't want to be attached.
He broke up via text message.
It's time to let him go.
Stop hanging on, you have no emotional involvement and you are just as clingy to the idea as she is.

Everything your saying is true but this guy called a friend of her's and me to get updates on her, yes he broke up with her via text, why would he be calling around to get updates on her?

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunflower811

Maybe he did regret his decision, but at the same my friend still has feelings for him. She has no clue on what to do, and I have no clue on what to tell her

I would tell her the best indication of future behavior is past behavior.
He disrespected her and broke up,going back to him will most likely produce more of the same.
They are casual friends and since they are not bickering,it would be acceptable to say hi if they meet on the street.
He gave her no encouragement after the fathers day greeting and that indicates that he has moved on,she needs to do the same.
You can't make someone want to be with you.

Justwantfair... typically when people want to know what their "friend" should do or not do they are the friend. I'm surprised at the amount of energy this OP is putting into this question and answer session. I really believe that she is the "friend". I also want to apologize for calling our sunflower out in my previous posting on here. I would truly hate to think that it was her and that she contacted the ex that she had on the side when she was asking us before if she should or shouldn't? Too coincidently I guess.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsMewiththat

Justwantfair....typically when people want to know what their "friend" should do or not do they are the friend. I'm surprised at the amount of energy this OP is putting into this question and answer session. I really believe that she is the "friend". I also want to apologize for calling our sunflower out in my previous posting on here. I would truly hate to think that it was her and that she went ahead and contacted the ex that she had on the side when she was asking us before if she should or shouldn't? too coincidently I guess.

No It's two different situation here, yes my friend and I are in similar situations, but it's completely different. This guy dumped through a text message, when my guy just stopped calling me after a hit and run, I am putting a lot of energy into my friend question because she's like family to me and I don't want to guide her the wrong way, it's bad enough I am unable to solve my own situation let alone hers.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunflower811

No It's two diffrent situation here, yes my friend and I are in similar situations, but it's completly different. This guy dumped through a text message, when my guy just stoped calling me after a hit and run, I am putting alot of energy into my friend question because she's like family to me and I don't want to guide her the wrong way, it's bad enough I am unable to solve my own situation let alone hers.

I feel that you have received ample guidance. I just haven't perceived that you are willing to hear adequate guidance because you only want to hear that she should be trying to facilitate a friendship, possible relationship in the future, with this man. That is typical for the emotionally involved, not the unbiased bystander in the situation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

I feel that you have received ample guidance. I just haven't perceived that you are willing to hear adequate guidance because you only want to hear that she should be trying to facilitate a friendship, possible relationship in the future, with this man. That is typical for the emotionally involved, not the unbiased bystander in the situation.

Don't get me wrong, I understand what you are saying, I just like to put myself in other people's shoes sometimes, and I kind of know what she's feeling. I've told her numerous time to get let it go. All of a sudden this guy is calling around to get updates on her after dumping her, Im just getting a since that she would forgive him even after the fact, That's why I'm trying to find the perfect solution for her.

He is calling around checking up because he thought she was too attached.
When she didn't cling to him when he dumped her, he thought well shoot... why isn't she?
She has/had the upper hand because he thought she didn't care.
You confirmed it by telling him that she is moved on and fine.
He only wants the upper hand back, that she be groveling at his feet for him.
That will just make her feel lower about herself.
It won't make the relationship work out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunflower811

Don't get me wrong, I understand what you are saying, I just like to put my self in other people's shoes sometimes, and i kinda know what she's feeling. I've told her numerous time to get let it go. All of a sudden this guy is calling around to get updates on her after dumping her, Im just getting a since that she would forgive him even after the fact, Thats why I'm trying to find the perfect solution for her.

I would suggest since you have a problem that you feel is unresolved, in your hit it and quit it guy, I would really recommend that you concentrate on your own soul searching. Allow your friend to come to her own resolution regardless of what that might be. I say that because you don't seem to understand that you are unable to "find the perfect solution for her". She has to find it herself, even if it means that she will end up back with this guy and he hurts her again. It's her path, her journey. She will have to learn and bounce back on her own. You're a good friend to want to help, but be a better friend and just be there for her. NO MATTER WHAT!;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

He is calling around checking up because he thought she was too attached.
When she didn't cling to him when he dumped her, he thought well shoot... why isn't she?
She has/had the upper hand because he thought she didn't care.
You confirmed it by telling him that she is moved on and fine.
He only wants the upper hand back, that she be groveling at his feet for him.
That will just make her feel lower about herself.
It won't make the relationship work out.

That makes a lot of since, I never thought of it that way. Since he thought she was to attach, it's shocking to him that she's not even trying to sweat him, do you think by her sending that happy father's day text, that gave him the upper hand?

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsMewiththat

I would suggest since you have a problem that you feel is unresolved, in your hit it and quit it guy, I would really recommend that you concentrate on your own soul searching. Allow your friend to come to her own resolution regardless of what that might be. I say that because you don't seem to understand that you are unable to "find the perfect solution for her". She has to find it herself, even if it means that she will end up back with this guy and he hurts her again. It's her path, her journey. She will have to learn and bounce back on her own. Your a good friend to want to help, but be a better friend and just be there for her. NO MATTER WHAT!;)

Yeah you are right, but she tries to help me to, I'm just trying to return the favor

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunflower811

That makes alot of since, I never thought of it that way. Since he thought she was to attach, it's shocking to him that she's not even trying to sweat him, do you think by her sending that happy father's day text, that gave him the upper hand?

Most definitely, he has the ball back.
He knows she isn't moved on like you portrayed to him.
If she keeps up NC, hopefully she will clear her head to see him as the loser he is and then she won't be groveling for him to think she is weak and needy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Most definately, he has the ball back.
He knows she isn't moved on like you protrayed to him.
If she keeps up NC, hopefully she will clear her head to see him as the loser he is and then she won't be groveling for him to think she is weak and needy.

What does NC mean? I mean I didn't see any harm in her sending a father's day text to him, saying that was just a general thing you can say to anyone, now if she had told me she kept going on with asking him questions, like opening up a conversation, I would have probably say OK, he definitely has the upper hand, but from what she told me, she simply sent a happy fathers day text, then he replied "what a surprise darling, thanks" then she replied "Your Welcome" That was the end of that, can you still honestly say he has the upper hand?

Depends on how he takes it.
Yes it was a simple text, but it also means that he is still on her mind, not moved on the way you projected.
Or it could be taken by him to be a simple gesture.

NC is no contact.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Depends on how he takes it.
Yes it was a simple text, but it also means that he is still on her mind, not moved on the the way you projected.
Or it could be taken by him to be a simple gesture.

NC is no contact.

I really hopes so, I did tell her, if this guy really want her, he will call, and if he doesn't, then he doesn't, but for her not to call him, no matter how tempted she may feel, and believe me I know what it feels like to be tempted. She did say "ok" she won't call

I´d advise..
To just let it go.