Help!

I've liked this girl (we're both in our early twenties) for almost a year now, but the entire time she had a boyfriend (for 1 year and a half). We live 2 hours drive away, but her boyfriend lives in the same city. I have no idea how they are doing, but it is her first boyfriend.

For the past year, we've kept in touch pretty well. We talked on the phone at least once a week for a few hours. We emailed every second day. And when I'm in town, we would go out just the two of us.

A few weeks ago I told her how I felt. Basically, to summarize the important parts of the conversation, I said: "I really like you, but I know you have a boyfriend, so I tried so hard to fight off the feelings but I just can't." She said: "I don't know what to say, but thank you for telling me"... and then we hung up.

It's been 3-4 weeks now and we did not really speak much since that day. I've been giving her space and time to digest what I said and hopefully she will say something back.

Then, two days ago, I couldn't take it and I called her up. We just talked like normal and then I asked her if she was free this weekend. I just wanted to hang out with her, I was not planning to bring up my feelings for her. She said she might go out of town. But if she is in town, she will let me know. I find out tonight.

At this moment, this is exactly how I feel and what I want to say to her:

I am the type of person who would go after what I want. I do not sit around and wait for something to happen.

But I also know that sometimes, there are restrictions beyond my control. For example, it does not matter how I feel about you, the fact remains that you have a boyfriend.

I respect that and I really hope that you are happy. But there is so much I want to say and do but I cannot. I cannot even tell you how much I like you or even why I like you.

At first, I wanted to know how you feel about me too. But since you have a boyfriend, it is better if you do not say anything. I do not want to ruin your relationship.

Because I know that nothing can happen between us, I feel so much pain. Part of me wants to stay friends with you because I rather you be part of my life than nothing at all. But at the same time, staying friends with you will remind me of the pain.

Obviously I cannot say 90% of those things. What do I do?

I know the reality is that I have to move on. Here's an analogy of how it feels. It feels like I will fail an exam because I am not allowed to show up. I won't even get a chance to write the exam. I know that I should have dropped the course, but I missed the deadline. It's too late to drop, I like her too much.

Great analogy ,very fitting.

If she so easily dropped a boyfriend for you what kind of person would that make her?

Is that the kind of person you could trust in the future?
If she did it to him,she could do it to you.

I think you are putting her in an awkward position and there is no way she can gracefully bow out.

You should have the grace to bow out and not try to mow another mans lawn.

That is why it is so painful. I know that I have to keep my distance because she has a boyfriend and I do not want her to break up with him to be with me, cause obviously I will not be able to trust her.

In a perfect world, she would break up with him naturally, I would wait a few months to be sure that she is over him and then make a move. But life's not always fair.

I think I've thought of nearly every possibility and considered all the consequences. So the reason I posted this question is because I was wondering if I missed something out.

Moving on is the easy way out...

It sounds like she is avoiding you and doesn't want to blatantly say " no i dont want to do anything with you". My guess is she will say she is busy this weekend.

This is only a guess but if that's the case it's time to forget about her (as more than a friend... or altogether if that will be too hard).

You took a chance, she knows how you feel and obviously doesn't want to keep seeing you right now. If something happens with her boyfriend in the future at least she knows how you feel.

Having said that she will most likely start seeing you again as a friend some time in the future, just keep giving her space I guess.

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Originally Posted by I wish

That is why it is so painful. I know that I have to keep my distance because she has a boyfriend and I do not want her to break up with him to be with me, cause obviously I will not be able to trust her.

In a perfect world, she would break up with him naturally, I would wait a few months to be sure that she is over him and then make a move. But life's not always fair.

I think I've thought of nearly every possibility and considered all the consequences. So the reason I posted this question is because I was wondering if I missed something out.

Moving on is the easy way out...

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Like you said.. in a perfect world but reality is a whole other ball game.

Moving on is not always easy and it is hard to have your hopes dashed but since you have considered all possible scenarios,I think you are in a good position to move on.

Best of luck! You sound like a nice guy with a good sense of morality!

To: Lowtax

What you said is probably true. I think I've thought of nearly every possibility and considered all the consequences. So the reason I posted this question is because I was wondering if I missed something out.

In Smallville there was a scene where Clark said: "Loving is a really hard. But hating is ... clean." In this case, instead of hating it would be "moving on" which I say is the easy way out, but I guess it is also my only choice?

I just wish that there was something more that I can do that I haven't thought of.

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Originally Posted by I wish

That is why it is so painful. I know that I have to keep my distance because she has a boyfriend and I do not want her to break up with him to be with me, cause obviously I will not be able to trust her.

In a perfect world, she would break up with him naturally, I would wait a few months to be sure that she is over him and then make a move. But life's not always fair.

I think I've thought of nearly every possibility and considered all the consequences. So the reason I posted this question is because I was wondering if I missed something out.

Moving on is the easy way out...

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I think you answered it all yourself here , I don't think there's anything wrong with letting her know how you feel , you've done that now so all you can really do is sit back and wait. You can't help the way you feel but you can control your actions.

But like you say if she does breakup with her BF let her have a few months to get over the emotional turmoil. You don't want to end up being her rebound.

Good Luck!

You are in the FRIEND ZONE.....

A hard escape now...

A year of just hanging out sends the signal that you are a friend and she likes that...

You needed to hit on her a bit some time and then back off to respect the boyfriend - but let her know where you stand ------ about a year ago:-)

But hey, life is not a straight line... for now, you've said your piece. Lesson learned. And I hate to say this but if she got wind you were going out with someone else (even if a casual date) it would at least force her to think about you as more than a friend ad that she better think twice -

I'd back way off and be super cool when you all do talk etc. but I'd look for a girl that can be are girlfriend for now...

UPDATE

I heard from her tonight. She said that she's not available on the weekend. But I'm in town for business on Wednesday and she said that she'll will most likely be able to see me that day.

Should I have that follow up conversation on my feelings for her or just spend a pleasant day?

Btw, thanks for everyone's advice.

She KNOWS your feelings.

She is busy on the weekend...

Leave her alone for now unless you can commit to just being friends... that's what "hanging out" is all about.
If she is a cool girl, maybe that's enough for now.

Can you do that?

She knows how you feel, but you have allowed yourself to be her distraction, for when she has time to see you. Don't you think she would leave her boyfriend if you were a better catch? Are you having sex, or just dating? Doesn't matter, she is still cheating, and you have acknowledged already you wouldn't be able to trust her if she did leave this other fellow, so what's the point in chasing something that there is no future benefit in.

You need to stop this game, and get a healthy relationship, with someone who is available to share your happiness with. Stop fooling yourself.

I guess the Jim and Pam (from the Office) gave me some hope. I know that's a fantasy and reality is not the same.

I know that I can stop this game and go find someone else. But like I said in my analogy, I don't want to fail an exam because I didn't show up. I rather fail knowing that I at least tried.

At first, I was willing to wait to see if her relationship pans out, cause when I met her, they only dated a few months. During that time, we've kept our distance to make sure that we're in the friends zone, which obviously sucks, but I don't want to be the guy that she "cheats" with. So like I said earlier, I was hoping that she would break up with him naturally and not "choose" me "over" him.

I know that I can take the "harsh reality" way out and move on. I was just really hoping that there was something I could do that I haven't tried yet.

Is it possible that she doubts how much I like her which is making her hesitate? Cause I didn't even explain my feelings, I just made her aware of them.

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I don't want to fail an exam because I didn't show up. I rather fail knowing that I at least tried.

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Fact- she has someone else, and doesn't need you, so the exam with her has been called off. Now get real, and get a real life.

Sorry to be harsh, but she doesn't feel like that about you, and your wasting time waitong for her to break up.

Maybe you should clean the air and leave it alone but in all honesty I don't think you should say anything unless she brings it up.

She just starting back talking to you and you already expressed how you feel about her. Time to start back being friends if you can handle it and if she could too knowing how you feel.

Of course that day is not here where she is available either, that she would "most likely" do don't count the minutes till it is here.

I wouldn't push your feelings onto her anymore, she knows how you feel already. You will show her that you have respect for her being in a relationship by not pushing the issue further.

I repeat: she knows how you feel.

Now let her alone and feel your absence and see how that feels.

This girl may be friend material, and if she is ever going to be more it's up to her now...

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Originally Posted by Ash123

I repeat: she knows how you feel.

now let her alone and feel your absence and see how that feels.

this girl may be friend material, and if she is ever gonna be more it's up to her now...

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I know, I think I'm starting to come to terms with this. I know that it's her move if she wants more.

Well it turns out that we're going to meet up this Wednesday. I think I'm just going to focus on being friends and if she ever wanted anything she will have to bring it up.

However, if I see that she's feeling kind of tense around me, then I'll try my best to make her laugh and feel more comfortable, but if that's not working, then should I be taking the initiative to bring it up?

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Originally Posted by I wish

then should I be taking the initiative to bring it up?

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No that will be applying the pressure you don't want

There is no chance for a relationship right now. Don't bring it up.
Don't think about it. Don't try for it.

Well that's good, maybe she just wants to see what will happen (like if you can still be friends). I think that's the best to hope for right now.

Let us know how it goes Wednesday

Just let her make the moves. You made the first move now you wait for her turn.

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Originally Posted by Lowtax4eva

Well that's good, maybe she just wants to see what will happen (like if you can still be friends). I think that's the best to hope for right now.

Let us know how it goes wednesday

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How it went Wednesday

So I'll try to make a long story short. When we met up, I asked her how she's been, cause she's had 5 days off already in her study break. And I asked her if she did anything fun so far. She told me that she's been pretty stressed and hasn't done anything fun at all. She has two midterms and a lab report due next week. And I knew that after lunch she had to go to school to get some work done. So when we went to eat, I ordered two glasses of wine. It actually worked out pretty well. But even before she took a sip of the wine, she already started opening up to me a lot. I've never heard her talk so much and so happy with "me" before. Basically she seemed really comfortable around me.

At first she was telling me some of her problems and I was just being a supportive friend, then we moved into more fun topics. But yeah, I was just glad to see her laugh and smile so much. We didn't end up talking about my feelings, which I'm cool with. I just wanted to rebuild our friendship first before worrying about that stuff.

However, I'm not entirely sure what's the next move. I think I want to start talking to her like normal again. I'll be the supportive friend but I'll also focus more on making her laugh and having more fun with me?

AFTER SOME REFLECTION TIME...

So I re-read all the posts and if I were to do a survey, 90% of the comments seem directed to snapping me back to reality, such as "move on", "stay away", "stay friends if possible," etc.

I know that these possibilities exists and when the time comes, I will accept. But I'm just not ready to give up on her. I think that I can safely say that we're talking like the way we used to, before my confession. And we still haven't talked about my feelings and I do not plan to bring them up again.

I have been given a new advice. One of my friends told me that if I really liked her as much as I say I do, I should take the time to get to know her better (in a friendship context). I admit, in this first year that I've known, I've seen her less than 10 times. Our friendship consists mostly of emails and phone calls, mostly because I live 2 hours drive away.

My question is, if I were to follow this advice, how can I up my friendship with her? I feel that I like her enough that I am willing to wait this out for a while. I'm not really in a rush for a girlfriend, so... how do I get closer as a friend, while still kepping my chances alive (and not going overboard with the friendship) and drawing a line so that she does not cheat on her boyfriend?

(I wanted to clarify one point, this is her first boyfriend, so she does not have a history of jumping from one guy to another and I do not plan to be her first jump.)

One last thing, we've almost never talked about her boyfriend before. There was once I hinted something to determine how serious she was with him. The answer I got can have two conclusions, either she does not want to talk about her boyfriend with me or she does not take him seriously. It's a 50/50 chance so I'm not going to assume anything.

We can all agree that it is difficult to trust a person who jumps from one significant other to another. Just to clarify, the reason the person breaks up with his or her significant other is because he or she fell for someone else.

The girl has never made the jump before. She's on her first boyfriend and I much rather her not leave him just because of me.

1) Is that "first" jump the begining of future jumps?

2) Jumps cannot last forever, because the person has to "stop" sometime, right?

3) Is one of the reason for the jumps because they should not have been with that person in the first place?

4) Holding on until they find someone better?

5) Are these people "untrustworthy"?

Your questions are almost in an attempt to generalize certain people that exhibit certain behaviors. I am not sure, especially after question #1, that you can then ask the next 4 questions, as the last 4 questions revolve around a "pattern" and not just an isolated event, as question #1 is only an isolated event, unless it happens again... which would lead the questions to be answered on theory alone, and theory is pretty worthless when it comes to predicting certain types of relationships (though, obviously not all).

So, my theory in a nutshell, which has nothing to do with the first question: I would assume most people that constantly jump from one relationship to another have a serious self confidence issue. That, however, is merely my assumption, and nothing more...

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Originally Posted by I wish

She said: "I don't know what to say, but thank you for telling me"

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When someone says, "I don't know what to say" in response to a confession of love, it probably means, "I know that the truth would hurt you, so I don't want to say it". It almost certainly does NOT mean, "I feel the same way about you". If that were true, she WOULD "know what to say".

KCTiger is right. Too much to assume. I don't think relationship jumpers even plan to jump most of the time. Personally though, I wouldn't date someone that would end a relationship to be with me. I wouldn't let myself get close to someone like that for fear of them doing the same to me and thus the relationship would be doomed from the start.

If your being friends with her in hopes of the two of you getting together than don't because the two of you might never take it to the level of being boyfriend and girlfriend. In the long run this could only hurt you because your feelings for her might only grow deeper for her while her doesn't.

Now if your going be her friend than be just that and take the focus off her by getting out and dating people.

Now I've heard of friends taking it to the level you want but if your only be friends with her in hopes of wining her over this can backfire on you.

There is too much to take into consideration on why the "first jump" was made.

I mean you could have a girl who was beat up and abused who found a guy at the place she works and finds comfort and strength in him to leave this arseclown and he treats her perfect they could live happily ever after.

It's all up to chance and scenarios

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Originally Posted by liz28

If your being friends with her in hopes of the two of you getting together than don't because the two of you might never take it to the level of being boyfriend and girlfriend. In the long run this could only hurt you because your feelings for her might only grow deeper for her while her doesn't.

Now if your going be her friend than be just that and take the focus off of her by getting out and dating people.

Now I've heard of friends taking it to the level you want but if your only be friends with her in hopes of wining her over this can backfire on you.

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I know what you are saying, I can't wait forever for her... but the whole situation is just unbelievably painful.

I told her how I felt and she gives me an indirect response. Now we're talking again the way we used to. It also feels like she's more comfortable and open with me than before.

But... she's still with her boyfriend and I have no idea how they are doing because she never talks about him. And I almost never ask about him. I only remember asking her about him once in the year that I've known her and even that she gave a quick response.

My feelings have been growing deeper and depper the more I talk to her. So I tried ignoring her for a few weeks, but it killed me more than when I talk to her, because I rather her be part of my life as a friend than nothing at all. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I know that there are other fishes in the sea, but none like her... but there's practically nothing I can do about it...

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Originally Posted by ordinaryguy

When someone says, "I don't know what to say" in response to a confession of love, it probably means, "I know that the truth would hurt you, so I don't want to say it". It almost certainly does NOT mean, "I feel the same way about you". If that were true, she WOULD "know what to say".

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I understand that part. It just sucks big time.

We started talking again the way we used to and she seems to be more comfortable and open with me than before. The more I talk to her, the more I've liked her. I thought eventually I would see her bad sides and my feelings would diminish, but it hasn't gone that way. So then I tried ignoring her for a few weeks, but that killed me even more, because I rather her be part of my life as a friend than nothing at all. I'm going to feel pain whether I talk to her or not.

I know that there are other fishes in the sea, but none like her... but there's nothing I can do about it... because she has a boyfriend... why does it have to suck so much?

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Originally Posted by I wish

why does it have to suck so much?

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Because you let it...

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Originally Posted by kctiger

Because you let it...

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So you are saying that I should be able to controlling how much I like her?

I don't think it was my actions that caused me pain, I think it's more like the fact that I really like her and there's no way that we could be together.

Feelings are feelings... plain and simple. What I am saying is that sitting on your a$$ feeling bad that you "can't have" this girl is doing YOU no good. What you are doing is letting your feelings determine the root cause of your actions, and that, my friend, is a problem.

If you continue trying to "win her over," you are making a conscious choice to break up her relationship and probably break her heart. When a girl is IN a relationship, she's IN it... and whenever a relationship ends, it HURTS. No matter what the circumstances, it hurts.

You are purposely trying to hurt her by trying to woo her away from her boyfriend. That is not a good friend. That is the epitome of selfishness.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but from a woman's perspective, it's sweet that you like her, good that you told her, respectful that you said "this is my feeling, but I'll let you decide," and great that you're trying to be her friend. BUT. If you keep trying to break up her relationship, you're being awfully selfish.

Check out my signature - the purple one is a good rule to live by.

I think people are getting confused about my intentions... If you read my earlier posts, I think I made it pretty clear that I've keep my distance from her as only a friend (except for when I told her how I felt). I also made it clear that I don't want to be the guy that she cheats with, so another reason why I had to keep my distance. And... I don't even want her to break up with her boyfriend to be with me... because... if she breaks up with her boyfriend for me:

(1) It means that they had a fragile relationship in the first place, so the pain that I might cause her is not as great as you think;

(2) If she can break up with her boyfriend so easily, who's to say that she won't do the same to me... so I don't know if I will be able to trust her as a boyfriend.

Either option is bad... so reality has sunk in... there's nothing I can do anymore. I either wait for them to break up and then maybe contemplate a move... or... just forget it.

As for sitting my my a$$ with these feelings = not healthy... what do you suggest I do? The point is, whether I wait for her or not it's going to be painful, because, even if we just stay friends, the more I talk to her, the more I like her... but if I choose to block her out of my life, I will feel even more pain because I want her part of my life one way or another.

And... giving up on her is the easy way out. I know that option is always there... but if I was going to give up, I wouldn't have ask everyone for help. I was really hoping for options that I have not yet considered... and not people telling me what I already know :(

Choices man... that is what life is, a bunch of random, sucky, fun, not fun, hard, choices! Keep her as your friend and keep being miserable, or cut her out of your life, be in "pain" for a short period, and get on with YOUR LIFE!! Choices...

You likened this whole thing to a test that you're going to fail because you weren't allowed to take the exam.

My advice to you?

Change your major.

Yes, blocking her out of your life will be horrifically painful, but you know what? We've all had to do it for one reason or another. It's hard... but dangling that beautiful apple before your eyes, just out of reach, is going to hurt you even more than being honest with yourself and with her.

You've said that the more you talk to her, the more you like her. Then you need to stop talking to her. Its harshly simple and realistic.

Be honest. You can't have a relationship with her without ulterior motives - hidden or not.

Here's another angle... she knows how you feel, she probably sees it on your face when you're together and can hear it in your voice. She knows that you've fallen head over heels for her... yet, she doesn't want to choose between her relationship and her friendship...

... Does that mean that she's using you? I don't know... just a thought...

Thanks for the advices. I know reality sucks and I have to face it one way or another. I won't hide from it or live in some fantasy world.

I've liked at least 10 different girls as a teenage and since I was 18, I've dated a girl for 3 years and then later, another girl for 2 years... and I don't think I've ever felt so much pain before for a girl, and I'm not even her boyfriend.

I'm just so shocked at how deep my feelings have gone. I didn't even know this kind of pain existed until I met her.

I'm willing to accept that she will never be anything more than a friend. I agree that her happiness should come above all else, regardless of what I want. But blocking her completely out of my life is just not something I'm ready to do.

I'm a little late, but just meet the guy and be in the "friend zone" with him too. You're safer there. Of course he may not like you...
oh well, give it a try!

Let me give you this nugget.

If you MOVE ON and date, THAT is when she will be most likely to pay attention how you want. Sorry.

It's human nature and the dynamics of dating when one is "on the fence"...

You are too... comfortable and easy man. And some rare girls appreciate that at her age - but not a ton - and she is in the majority. You will not be penalized for moving on. It's FAIR. And it's a win-win.

You get a girl. If she wants more you'll hear about it and you'll have to deal with two.