Ask Me Help Desk - Stuck Between The Two

Stuck Between The Two

So I have been dating my current boyfriend for 6 going on 7 months now and I love him and enjoy being with him.. we went to high school together and he wants to have a family with me one day... byt on the other hand he's very secretive and we have had a lot of arguments over his so called best friend these past few weeks... his best friend is female and he let her text me a lot of bull from HIS phone and didn't expect me to get mad... so one day I was on myspace and a guy gave me some words of encouragement... we talked vis myspace for a while and I found out that he is a preachers kid just like me... his father is a pastor and mine is a minister.. and I feel as though God sent him to me... he's charming, smart, nice,and very spiritual and my boyfriend lacks spirituality a lot... the new guy is 25 and I am only 18.. I would like to be with him but I still love my boyfriend even though he puts me through hell and back... the new guy writes spiritual poetry about me and has not once asked me for my phone number yet or said anything sexual to me and we have been conversating via myspace for almost a month... I enjoy having conversations with him and I am trying to change.. spiritually,emotionally,and physically, and I don't think that my boyfriend will be right for me once my transformation is over... I love him but he's kind of stopping me from making my change... I don't know what to do... I'm stuck between the two... :(

Move on. It sounds like you know in your heart that your current relationship is not what you want. It's probably not going to get any better in the future. You're young and you have many periods of emotional growth to go through; you will probably outgrow your current boyfriend fairly quickly. It's much easier to break up before you end up married to the wrong person. Don't let him hold you back, do what will provide you the most support on the journey you wish to make.
Ber

I'm going to tell you this right now, for your own good.

A person on the internet can be the nicest, sweetest individual, but in real life, could be the exact opposite. I've seen this happen before, and I've lived through it personally. My ex-girlfriend was somebody I knew via the internet, went out with her for a year before I met face-to-face with her, and when I did, I was completely taken back by the personality shift. She was rude, uncaring, and I found out she had slept with numerous guys behind my back.

What I'm trying to say is, just because you find an internet-goer attractive, you shouldn't stake your long-term relationship for somebody you don't even know. Take some time to think about it, set your priorities straight, and really assess whether your current boyfriend is right for you. What has he done to "put you through hell?" Maybe you could motivate him to become more physically or spiritually fulfilled - if he isn't receptive, that's his own choice, but I really wouldn't recommend going with this stranger. It's a bad idea.

People can and will say almost anything in the internet to get someone else. For all you know he is some crazy guy who is saying what ever it might take to get into your pants. As a PK you should already know the dangers of meeting people in places like myspace, or bars. But since you don't please let this be a warning to you. He might be exactly what he claims, but then again?

Yes... I know about all of the dangers of meeting people via the internet... my dad who's also a detective as well as a minister tells me this everyday... so I decided to ask him about the internet guys dad and to my surprise... they new each other fairly well... and my current boyfriend is... well lets just say he's not in the right place he should be with my dad

Quote:

Originally Posted by student_worker2

yes...i know about all of the dangers of meeting people via the internet....my dad who's also a detective as well as a minister tells me this everyday...so i decided to ask him about the internet guys dad and to my surprise...they new each other fairly well...and my current bf is ...well lets just say he's not in the right place he should be with my dad

Well, let's take a few steps back, and re-evaluate what you've said.

Essentially, you love your boyfriend of 7 months, but this new guy you've been talking to for a significantly less amount of time has captured your interest and you've been thinking about going for him.

Let's think about a few points first, shall we?

1. Is this other guy mutually interested in you? I know you've both had great conversations via myspace and I know he writes poems for you, but does this mean he is actually romantically interested in you? If he isn't, you could lose both him, and your current boyfriend, who you say you love.

2. Do you really love your current boyfriend? If you really did love him, you would stay by his side. How long you've known your beloved boyfriend, versus how long you've known said internet stranger, is somewhat of concern. Perhaps once you get to know this other man more thoroughly, he will be completely different from who you thought he would be? Better yet, maybe you'll quickly lose interest in him?

At any rate, this is the only piece of advice I can give you: If you truly love your boyfriend, stay with him. If you don't, then you haven't much to lose, and might want to consider pursuing a romantic relationship with this new guy, who I think you may just be infatuated with.

At any rate, listen to your heart, and make the right decision for yourself, so you don't regret it in the future.

OK, first off yes, I would break up with your current boyfriend, for multiple reasons. If you're even thinking about meeting someone else you don't belong in your current relationship. In addition to the fact that you and your boyfriend are in different places as far as spirituality goes which for some is a really big deal, you are talking to someone and wondering "what if?" I know there is risk in meeting people online, but I met my husband online, his brother met his fiancée online, his sister met her boyfriend online and my brother met a really sweet girl online so...

I do love my current boyfriend and since I have committed myself to him.. the bible says that I am practically married to him and we just haven't had the ceremony yet... and I have been sticking with him because of that... I just wish he was as spiritual or maybe even more spiritual than or as I am because I don't want to be dating an ungodly man

Well it sounds like you are. What are you going to do about that? You aren't married to him, so you don't have to stay with him.

I know but if I do then I waould be committing adultry if I were to go out with another guy... I have talked to both my dad (minister) and my youth minister, and my pastor and they have all said the same thing

Then if you're so committed to your beliefs, stick with him. Because it's apparent you're not willing to make sacrifices outside of your religion.

Sounds like you do need to break away from your boyfriend even if nothing becomes of anything with you and the other guy.
When a guy is secretive and he holds you back from your potential he is not worth it. You need to grow and be you otherwise you are a cripple in that you are only living a percentage of YOU.
If he can not accept your individuality then he is not worth it and most probably down the line it will end in breaking up.
I have loved and still love my old bf's BUT they were not good for me.
There are other guys more suited for you and you will be WAY better off finding somebody more compatible.
The Bible says be equally yoked and I believe that it means more than believer with believer but even more so that two people with the same vision and same desires and same way of seeing things works together better than being with somebody that the only bond you have is you love them.

I'm really not... but he needs to become more spiritual because 1) we have nothing to talk about when he calls because he just wants to talk about sinful things 2) I don't know if he's saved or not 3) my dad doesn't like him and 4) he never goes to church

Quote:

Originally Posted by student_worker2

but he needs to become more spiritual because
1) we have nothing to talk about when he calls because he just wants to talk about sinful things

2) i don't know if he's saved or not

3) my dad doesn't like him and

4) he never goes to church

First you say 'he needs to become more spiritual'
1. Apparently he is not spiritual at all.
2. You can not make somebody change or even count on your hoping they change to the extent that they do change.
I am almost 100% sure he will never change to where you would like him so
You need to either take him AS IS or break up.

You are not going to find things to talk with him about.
If you continue with him the only things you will find to talk with him about are things like
Will you go to church with me? No. Why not? Because I am not into that stuff.

You have nothing in common. You only love him. Trust me you could go through a lot of bad relationships and be able to say you love everyone of them but love is not enough to keep and sustain a relationship when the other person is not on the same page as you.

You can choose to stay with him but I guarantee you will never feel fully satisfied with him and you will live more heartache than you can imagine.
God allows us to live in his perfect will or his permissive will. If you choose to go the permissive will route you will have a lot of reaping repercussions. 20 years later and I am just starting to work my way out of my marrying the wrong one.
Write a list of all the things that you feel make him a 'good catch' and look at the pros and cons. Love is not enough. Most likely he will only take advantage and take for granted that love.

I completely understand all of that but I really do not want to feel like I have wasted 7 months of my life with him... but you guys are right... I can do nothing but ask him to change if he doesn't so be it... but if I break up with him I'm not going to be able to have another relationship because it would basically be adultry

We all end up 'wasting' years of our life on many things especially a bad relationship but
A. Why waste even MORE years to justify the already 'wasted' time?
B. consider it a life lesson and move on.

It's not going to sit right with me... religious wise

I'm wondering what it is you want us to tell you? It's not going to sit right with you religious-wise to stay with him if he's ungodly, and it's not going to sit right with you religious-wise to break up with him. So what kind of advice are you looking for? Date them both? Not going to happen.

I'm looking for a valid way out... religiously I'm supposed to stay but also if I end it then I'm going to be committing adultry if I date someone else

You're not committing adultery if you break up with him and then start to date someone else.

Basically it is since I have committed myself to him and we carry our relationship as if we were married... and my dad (minister),pastor,and youth minister has told me the same thing

I'm sorry. This doesn't make any sense. Are you married? Did you have a ceremony? Sign any papers? If not, then you're not married and you can break up with him. You can commit yourself to someone without being married. People do it all the time, then when the time is right and if they both want to, they get married. I wouldn't advise marrying this guy if you're so upset with his spirituality. Just break up with him.

What's your religion? If you don't mind me asking? Because I'm pretty sure what my PASTOr of all people tells me about the bible is accurate since he's been preaching for a long tim... not trying to be rude if I'm coming off that way

I'm Lutheran. I don't see what difference it makes.

I'm not trying to be rude about this at all. But your religion and my religion have two very different ways of looking at things like this... I'm baptist and if my pastor tells me something I'm going to believe him 100%... I may second guess it but I always agree with it... I appreciate your advice and having taken it into consideration but ultimately the decision is mine and my religion plays a really big part in it... if I have offeneded you or have come off as rude or disrespectful or bigheaded or anything but respectful and nice and understanding... I sincerely apologize... deeply

The decision is yours. I agree. But you came on this site looking for advice right? And that's what I gave you.

And in my last reply I thanked you for it... I'm not trying to have a democracy over this... and to answer your question... yes that's the reason I came on here and again I have thanked you for it

You say your dad is Pastor I doubt your dad is telling you this.
In fact what you are saying is in fact your interpretation because what you are describing is actually called fornication and is even more grounds for you leaving him.

no... fornication is when you have sex before you are married... which I have done but have not discussed in this particular discussion... and no my dad is not a pastor... I said he was a minister... there's a difference

Okay so a Minister says that since you 'gave yourself' to this guy that you need to stick with him?
I have not seen where it says you are married to him. Many guys say 'we are married as far as I am concerned' as a manipulation tactic. Once he wants to leave those words become meaningless.
So did you actually marry or are those just his words?

Well it seems pretty simple to me... if you boyfriend is holding you back and this new guy is helping you become who you want to be... stick with the new guy.

Also I don't believe 6 or 7 months is enough to determine you want a family and future with someone.

Keep your options open and take a look around and smell the flowers before you settle on one person for the rest of your life.

Its probably a good idea to separate yourself from things that are holding you back from becoming who you want to be and move forward with what or WHO ever is helping you. But you do not need to jump from one relationship to another.

Give yourself sometime to get to know this new guy. Just because he says and acts like a man of God doesn't mean he doesn't sin. He may have raging hormones and may just be looking to get you in bed. Be cautious.

Quote:

Originally Posted by student_worker2

i do love my current bf and since i have comitted myself to him..the bible syas that i am practically married to him and we just haven't had the ceremony yet...and i have been sticking with him because of that....i just wish he was as spiritual or maybe even more spiritual than or as i am because i don't want to be dating an ungodly man

I understand your trying to follow your religion and everything but please try to remember you only get one life to live. You want to live a happy one don't you? If your not happy with your boyfriend and you don't think things will change stop wasting you time. I'm sure God wants you to be happy. But I'm sure God doesn't want you jumping from man to man either.

Quote:

Originally Posted by student_worker2

i completely understand all of that but i really do not want to feel like i have wasted 7 months of my life with him....but you guys are right...i can do nothing but ask him to change if he doesn't so be it....but if i break up with him i'm not going to be able to have another relationship because it would basically be adultry

What religion are you involved with? I have extensive background in Christianity and Cathlocism... and adultry outside of marriage doesn't really exsist. I'm not quite sure what you are trying to say.

Honestly, you are making excuses to stay with him.
The Bible says what God has put together let no man put asunder.
God didn't put you together. I have made the same mistake and I can honestly tell you you can learn the hard way and stay or get away now.

I am going to try and reply to all of your messages in one response... we have known each other since middle school but we have only been attracted to each other since sophomore year in high school and after I graduated is when we started dating... maybe I am misinterpreting what my dad and pastor are saying but I also do not want to just give up on him... he believes in God but he isn't as involved as I would like for him to be... I understand what all of you are saying about settling down and everything but not once have I said that I wanted to settle down... I said that he said that... I don't agree with settling down yet because I want to finish school and actually become a RN and housewife... he knows all of this... I have set goals in my life and I am not going to stop until I have successfully accomplished them... for my better knowledge about this religious situation.. I'm going to go and talk to my pastor again becausee I obviously have missed something or what not... and if I sound a little rude please don't take it heart because I'm just frustrated about this whole thing and I really do not know what to do.

It also seems to me you are playing word games. You are saying that your Pastor and your dad have said to you that a person should stick with the one they are committed to or something to that effect so you take it that YOU ARE to stick with your boyfriend. Can you tell me you specifically were told by them that they mean YOU should stick with this relationship or are you reading what you want out of what they preach? I think you are asking general questions and not implying that it is you and your boyfriend you are asking about. I bet if you specify that you want to know if God expects you to stick with your boyfriend you will get a different answer. You are NOT married and you are comparing apples to avocados!
You justify sticking with him as if you are already married and it would therefore be wrong to leave him YET you say you do not agree with settling down.
The more you explain the more I think you are skirting around things to justify how you want things to be. That is not how God works. I bet if you asked your dad about what you are claiming that he would not say you are committed and need to stick with him.

That's alwaya an option... but I said I was going to ask my PASTOR since he has been a preacher longer than my dad has been

Yes ask and make it clear that you are talking dating and not married. I am sure you will get a different answer than what you have been telling us.

I'm pretty sure I won't but OK

So are you telling the Pastor that you and he are having sex and not married but you feel committed to him so it is not fornication?
And they are telling you you need to stick with him?
I am confused on what you are telling/or going to tell the Pastor.

You say your dad hates him and your dad is a minister so I can't imagine him giving you a go ahead.