Originally Posted by
adragon
I just ended a two-year..."thing" with a married guy. Actually, in the beginning it was his GF. During the period I saw him for. She moved in with him, got married and had a kid!
He pursued me. He made a lot of effort to win me over. More than he should have. I was always honest and upfront. He was not so much.
I basically, never really knew where his head was. A year into things, he started to get irritated at times, mood swings. It could be a little uncomfortable at times.
There was definitely one set of rules for him and another for me.
He is a Scorpio as well. Normally I don't put a whole lot of weight into birth sign thing but he was textbook! Now, you throw in the guilt and the shame. The denial combined with leading a double life. Very quickly the simple becomes anything but! The mutual turns to feeling used. Understanding and open turns to manipulate and mistreated.
When it’s gone, it’s gone! It’s like being on top of the world one minute and hurled into a bed of rock the next.
I did not have a problem if he left, I even told him how to do it. I said as long as it was about him and not me. It won’t cause a problem. Of course, it was always about me...everything. The blame was constantly shifted to me. This happened slowly. My boundaries were constantly crossed. I always told him. He always had his reason. I usually gave up, trying to make him understand my point. As it was clear, he would never give me that consideration. Of course, more treats, sweets, etc followed. An extra effort was made...to. Yes, probably appease me! It took a while to see how everything always worked in his favour. I could go on and on!
My suggestion, don't pursue it. If you do stand your ground, realize that this is not a trade, its not about fair, or about you! Realize you will probably never know what it is about. Living a double life will most likely over time have a negative effect on almost anyone. Who does not have a PD or a syndrome or a serial killer!
Chances are being the dirty little secret. You will be the one feeling the wrath of repercussions. The straight guy is only there to get what he needs. He cannot even acknowledge he has these feeling to him self. So forget any hope of understanding, or knowing what the real "deal" is. Chances are the impression your under is not the same he as his.
You will never really be able to comprehend what is going on is his head.
He will not take responsibility, as it requires him to look at the situation in away, he is not going to.
Moral resp- He would not be there if he had or did.
Personal resp - this is not who he is, it’s an alter ego. A dark side of himself. Taking personal accountability means he needs to accept this as part of him self, before he can process that!
It’s impossible for straight guy full of guilt and shame to be synonymous with or integrity, accountability, tolerance, forthright or equitable.
These characteristics and traits require someone. First to be present, open and able to accept how they play a part in the situation at hand. Until they do, what they seem to be giving. Will remain conditional.
As long as the fantasy fulfils the egocentric need of the "id" the ego will continue to thrive and seem content. However, this is only marginal, temporary and very conditional at that.
There has to be a balance. The moral, socialized norm and expectations of straight mentality. Can quickly create internal conflicts engaging the ego defence mechanism. Resulting in good turning bad, with no conceivable, rational explanation or reason.
So having said that. If catering to a conditional, borderline persona that is in denial, unaware, self serving and unaccountable. Except of course when it comes to getting there needs met. On their terms. If it still seems appealing and your OK with... Working to meet undetermined standards, no communication, willing to give up control, accept responsibility and no equality. Are not important to you. Keeping in mind. In the end, you will have nothing but a lot of confusion, unanswered questions, no appreciation and it will be your entire fault. Then by all means, jump in!
Remember, your at a disadvantage from the get go. Your emotionally available and comfortable with your self. Yes, in this situation being open is not a good thing!
This is my experience. Every experience is unique and different. However,
there mentality and reality are two of the most important things. When entering into a arrangement or relationship.
If you still feel you don't deserve more! Go in eyes open wide! Feet planted firm. Stick to your guns, accept nothing but respect. Draw the line and stand your ground. Get out, before it gets you! If you can safely do this with no exceptions, no expectations, no emotions or attachment.
You just may be al rite. Good Luck!
