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My girlfriend seems to be a bit spoiled. She constantly asks for me to buy stuff for her. She can't go 10 minutes without finding something that she HAS to have.
So far this month, she has wanted a trampoline, a black cat (for Halloween), clothes, a table so she can do artwork, and a vacation to Washington DC. I don't mind buying some stuff for her but I can't buy everything.
What's the best way to approach or end this subject?
First I hope you are not, but merely saw, yes it would be nice to have it, ignore it, explain to her that she is making you feel guility for not being able to buy her everything.
She's just doing her job, getting the most bang for her buck, so to speak.
HER: "I really need this. Buy it for me?"
YOU: "I can add it to the list."
HER: "What list?"
YOU: "The list of things you want from me. You're keeping one for me, too, right?"
HER: "No, buy it NOW...!"
YOU: "Aww, can't do THAT. That would spoil the surprise."
Buying stuff for your girlfriend is fine, within reason. Even she can't make you pull out your wallet every date for GIFTS. That's just you being weak. But you be an attentive boyfriend and actually keep that list. And on appropriate occasions, buy her something from it. This way she knows you're paying attention.
She also knows your not a human ATM and won't/don't buy things on demand that aren't date-related (movie tickets, dinners, sodas, sundaes, etc.) This is good for her to know.
Once she realizes her "requests" will always go on "the list", the pressure is off you to buy and she can still be the cute-needy-girl. Let it be cute.
I appreciate the responses. I try to buy her something that she wants whenever I can. The problem is that the gift she wants is always over $100.
She is the type of person that if she wrote down everything she wanted and you actually gave it to her, a few minutes later she could have another list ready for you.
When we first started dating I saw signs that she loved spending money and I even asked her if she dated me because of money. She said No and that I was poor (money-wise). She said if she didn't love me she wouldn't be with me. How can someone not be in it for the money; yet, spend as much as she can? Is it all my fault?
I said keep a list of the things she asks for and buy ONE thing off the list on appropriate occasions. Not buy EVERYTHING on occasions.
Birthday... a couple of things off the list.
Anniversary, one thing.
Christmas, graduations, promotions, getting engaged... one item.
I expect the list will end up with 100s of items on it. The point is you NEVER buy big "gift-level" items during a date. Never. You just add to the list. Who cares if the list ends up with 500 things on it? She's still only going to get one or two a year on appropriate occasions.
Once she gets used to THAT, you two will be fine.
It sounds to me like you have, at one point, given her the upper hand. This is a tricky thing in a relationship. With many girls, once they realize they have the upper hand in a relationship, they will use/manipulate it to get what they want.
Basically, she knows (consciously or sub-consciously) that you feel you don't really deserve her... and that you will do whatever you can to make sure you keep her (buying her things, doing everything for her, etc) and you likely get very little in return.
You need to realize that you don't need to buy affection from women. A woman should feel lucky that you are with them.
I know.. this sounds a little sexist.. Im sure I may catch some flack for it but regardless, this is the truth.
If she wants a lot of stuff, she can get her a job. Plain and simple.
Take a stand. Don't be afraid.
Just say "NO" and keep your word. She may be upset for 2-5 times but as time goes by, she will get used that when you say no, you mean it.
I'll try to do the things suggested. I appreciate everyone's responses.
Sometimes I just get embarrassed when I tell her no because it's almost like saying no to a child. Sometimes she'll give me the guilt trip, storm off and on rare occasions throw a tantrum in public.
If it were me, I would laugh it off, tell her she's acting like a child, and make her look and feel stupid.
Not saying that's the RIGHT thing to do... but I could see myself doing just that lol
Honestly this girl sounds like a princess who has always got what she wanted and to her your just another credit card.
DrJizzle, I don't know about your advice. I feel if I say that she'll think I'm verbally attacking her and it may make things worse.
Lauralie_, I kind of think she just sees dollar signs but she has reassured me that our relationship is about pure love and not presents or material things.
I just want one day to go by without her wanting me to buy her something. I've told her several times to use her own money to get her nails done, get that hair cut, or whatever else she wants. Then she gives me the guilt trip about she barely has enough money to pay her bills. She had a second job but quit because she couldn't physically handle all those hours. Just because I make more does that entitle her to more stuff?
I like the list idea.
I would also subtly point out that since she has such expensive tastes, perhaps she needs an extra job.
Tell her to prove it by not asking you to constantly buy things for her.Quote:
she has reassured me that our relationship is about pure love and not presents or material things.
Then tell her that she'll have to save up for the things she wants or wait until her birthday or Christmas to get them.Quote:
Then she gives me the guilt trip about she barely has enough money to pay her bills
No it doesn't, but you teach people how to treat you. You keep buying so she keeps asking. You have to let her know that this isn't okay, that you have bills too and that you aren't made of money.Quote:
Just because I make more does that entitle her to more stuff?
If she really loves you and not all the presents she's getting, she'll understand. If she gets mad then you'll know why she's sticking around.
Good luck.
Hmmm, sounds like this girl has you wrapped around all of her fingers instead of just one. All of the gifts she wants are over $100! Can you say golddigger!
Does she EVER do anything for YOU? Has she EVER spent $100 on YOU? Does she rub your back? Shine your shoes? ANYTHING??
AND PLEASE don't tell me "she deserves all this stuff" Because you aren't teaching her anything. If you leave her tomorrow I will bet you that she won't go a week before you are replaced honey.
For your sake and your wallets, I hope she is EXTREMELY GREAT in bed or at oral. Otherwise you are just a sucker.
(I am a woman and I am married and I don't even expect more than a card on special occasions. My honey works everyday and the lights stay on and the heat and air works. I am happy with that.)
I guess she will OCCASIONALLY cook supper or clean her mess up. She likes to pop bumps on my back. Other than that, nothing.Quote:
Originally Posted by achampio21
She spent 80 bucks on some sex stuff for us one time and on my birthday she spent about $75 on some things.
Well, then I guess you should try the list idea from JBeaucaire. But don't be surprised if when you quit buying her everything she wants when she wants it she leaves you. I hope that doesn't happen, and I wish you the best. Good luck to you!
I sugest you buy the things that r more important her.:)
Its just going to get worse with time...
Tell her to go get it, her darn self, and get the hell away from you, with that dumb Stuff!Quote:
What to do with the girl that wants it all?
Make me understand why you put up with this BS!
You believe that dumb line, with the evidence in front of you.Quote:
I kind of think she just sees dollar signs but she has reassured me that our relationship is about pure love and not presents or material things.
Get rid of this Goldigger!!!!Quote:
I just want one day to go by without her wanting me to buy her something.
Get rid of this Goldigger!!!!Quote:
I've told her several times to use her own money to get her nails done, get that hair cut, or whatever else she wants.
Get rid of this Goldigger!!!!Quote:
Then she gives me the guilt trip about she barely has enough money to pay her bills.
Get rid of this Goldigger!!!!Quote:
She had a second job but quit because she couldn't physically handle all those hours
.Get rid of this Goldigger!!!!Quote:
Just because I make more does that entitle her to more stuff?
Get rid of this Goldigger!!!!Quote:
Sometimes I just get embarrassed when I tell her no because it's almost like saying no to a child.
Get rid of this Goldigger!!!!Quote:
Sometimes she'll give me the guilt trip, storm off and on rare occasions throw a tantrum in public.
Did make myself clear???????????????
In addition to what everyone else is saying, have you talked to her and said anything like, "I like to buy you gifts but when you ask me for them it kind of takes the meaning out of them. I can't surprise you if you're always asking."
That does suck, but I would think she'd be embarrassing herself more than you by doing this.Quote:
Originally Posted by omega_red_08
Well I think it may all come to the breaking point tonight. Over the weekend, she was given a free dog and cage. She accepted it without talking to me at all. I told her that I didn't want another animal in our house and we basically had a huge argument over the phone.
I told her in the past that if she got that extra job and if she saved she could get another pet. She made sure to quote me on that when I talked to her. The facts are she quit the second job because she couldn't take working 2 jobs. She keeps saying that she is grown and I don't tell her what to do. I said if she came home with the dog I would put it outside and not let it back in. She said it was unfair because she always wanted a dog and she never got one as a kid.
She had the nerve to call me immature because I was getting my way and that kind of made me smile. Is there any way I could use this to break up with her or would it be something dumb to break up with?
Get rid of this Goldigger!!!!
Quote:
"she has reassured me that our relationship is about pure love and not presents or material things."
Then put her to the test. Stop. Just stop buying her things altogether. I'm sure you buy her those things because you want to see her happy. However, what about your happiness? If you stop buying her everything she wants, and she leaves you, then you know it wasn't about pure love, it was about the presents and material things, and in that case you would be better off... really.
I too was spoiled rotten as a child. When I grew up I was still spoiled rotten. The first time someone ever told me no I threw a fit... and I mean a fit. If he wasn't going to buy if for me then I would go out and buy it for myself... just as long as I got it, it didn't matter who paid for it.
Eventually I started dating a man who gave me nothing, and I mean nothing, unless it was for a birthday, anniversary, Christmas, etc...
Guess what? I married him. It wasn't about material things, it was about love. That is why you must put her to the test, and it seems like you really like her, so I hope she passes.
Good Luck.
She just called me (I'm at work) and said that her dad would take care of the dog for the time being. She wanted to know why I was being a about the dog and I told her that I wished she would have talked to me before she got the pooch.
I basically told her that if the dog stayed in the house and we couldn't find a compromise then it would be best for her to move out. She said that I was threatening her and was trying to find a reason to get rid of her and she hung up.
I just need to stand up to her and do what makes me happy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by omega_red_08
I'm happy that you stood up for yourself... that's what she needed. You have a right to be happy too. I know it hurts, but you are on the right track. As for the pooch, I think that is a good indication of what the rest of the relationship would be like if you stayed together. She would make major life decisions for the both of you without ever asking your input or inquiring with you first. That is a bad sign!
It is good you got a hold of this now before things went any further.
Good for you!
Ok, help me keep my sanity. My girlfriend keeps on calling me to talk about this dog situation.
As far as I am concerned, there is nothing left to talk about. I have expressed the fact that I don't want another animal (in or out of the house) and that I'm upset she got the dog without asking me.
She said she'll keep it outside and, really, that would have been the compromise I wanted if we would have talked about it. Now I don't want the dog there at all. If it stays that will just be another battle I lose and she gets the upper hand like always.
How can I find the strength to keep my foot down?
You put your foot down by learning how to say NO.
Maybe you could start by finding a new house for the pooch yourself. Place an ad in the paper, ask around if anyone wants a dog, but under no circumstances should you budge considering the way she went about this. What she did was wrong and selfish, and if you let her get away with it this time, she has won, and you are again defeated. Nothing will be learned from the situation except maybe things she already knows... that she can have whatever she wants.
So tell her it is either you or the dog. She can't have both. Take some pressure off yourself and force her to make a decision. If she chooses the dog then I go back to what I originally said and that is material things mean more to her than your love and happiness.
Get rid of this Goldigger!!!!
Let me explain something to you. As long as you can be pressured, you will never work together, nor communicate.
So far you haven't done neither, and until her attitude changes, it never will work. As long as their is no consequence to her disrespect, she will continue to push for her agenda, and slowly degrade your self respect.
It takes more than just standing up to her, but standing up for yourself.
First its the dog outside, but then when it rains the dog comes in, and then he sleeps in your bed, and then he gets more attention, and then he needs more companions (another dog)................see where this is going????
Until she respect you, she will not even consider any communications what so ever.
My solution and advice, mean what you say with actions, and not compromise, at this time. Don't let her wear you down the way she has been doing.
Say NO, and mean it, and be ready to back it up, with quick, decisive action.
Get her off that pedestal and love yourself, or else...Quote:
How can I find the strength to keep my foot down?
Get rid of this spoiled a$$ Goldigger!!!!
I say keep the dog and get rid of the girl!!
When she accuses you of things that are "sort of" true (minus the malicious tone), how about owning it? It sure does take the wind out of people's sails and arguments when the other side isn't arguing the points, and is ignoring the tone.
You ARE wanting your life back. You ARE looking for an acceptable excuse to get your house back. You ARE being stubborn... and rightly so. It is your house.
In our house, compromise works like this... unless both parties say "yes", it's "no". The compromise is on the part of the person trying to impose something on the other. We ALWAYS resist unless permission is given. The compromise is NOT doing what you want, and later they DON'T do something they want if you don't agree. THAT'S the compromise. You compromise by respecting the boundaries of the person you live with.
This only applies to issues that absolutely and directly affect you both. If she wants to go out once a week with friends, that doesn't really affect you (no... it doesn't!)and she doesn't need permission for that, the same if you want to wear sweaters in the summer. Pets, finances, appliances, furniture, bed behaviors... those affect you both.
Anyway, truth is you want her to move out. Agree with her even when she says it ANGRILY and accusingly... that's a reverse psychology technique you have to deflate by ignoring the tone and owning up to the facts. "Hm, that's somewhat true, I suppose."
I agree with tal. It was not only wrong and selfish what she did, it was also disrespectful. Without communication and MUTUAL respect, you guys are doomed. I would never think of doing something like that behind my husband's back... ever. But I respect him. He is the only man who has ever had the nads big enough to put me in my place. Yes I am implying that she will never respect you if you continue to let her walk all over you. It will get worse.
Forget about the repercussions... let her go!
First thing you need to do is find a good home for the pooch. The next thing you need to do... well, I think tal has already said it the best.
You have been given some really good advice on how to proceed. I hope you find the strength to do what's necessary.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JBeaucaire
So JB... what you are saying is to not try to talk to her about this. No matter what she accuses me of or what she calls me, just agree?
I'm saying listen to what she angrily says to you when she's mad or being argumentative. LISTEN. Don't respond immediately. Think about what she just said, filter out the anger completely, examine the FACTS of what she said, and if it's essentially correct, don't argue... perhaps agree outright. You decide.
HER: "You're threatening me and looking for a way to break up!!"
YOU: "I know it sounds threatening. I am looking for a way to get you to be more respectful of me, and if the only way to get that from you is to break up first, I can do that. Is that what you need?"
HER: "You are being so selfish!! It's just a dog and I have never had one before. It is so mean what you're doing, I should be able to have a dog if I want one."
YOU: "I am saying 'not here', I'm not saying 'no". Call that what you want. However, I agree, you should be able to have a dog if you want one. Would you like me to help you find a place to live that accepts pets. I don't want you to think you can't have a dog."
HER: "AHH! You ARE just kicking me out! You are so MEAN!"
YOU: "I am agreeing you should have the things you want and I'm willing to help you get them without giving up what I want. I think that's fair. I'm talking about a place to live. YOU are talking about breaking up."
The trick is calmness, and taking a second to think about what she's said. If it's true. Own it, give it back without the malice. She'll get it... or she won't.
And by the way, it would actually help if she SEES you taking a moment to think about she just said.
HER: "Well, aren't you going to answer!?"
YOU: "Absolutely. Give me a second. I'm thinking about what you just said."
What are you doing with someone who disrespect you,
Calls you names,
Doesn't communicate,
Doesn't care what you think??
What could she have, that makes you take that abuse, and call it love???
Help me, I do not understand, and can't figure out why your not as mad as heck!!!!!!!!!!!
And just for the record, the suggestions I'm making are because it sounds like you don't want to kick her to the curb and have a better life for it.
My ADVICE overall... kick the girl to the curb and have a better life for it.
For anything other than that, refer to my other posts.
Well, I laid all my cards out to her last night. She said we were never meant for each other and she sees that now. She wants to move out but has no where to go.
You mean she can't support herself?? Or doesn't want to??
When people make statements like that, be careful, it may be just a play for sympathy.
Isn't it telling that you communicate how you feel, and her reaction is to break up, but she has no where to go!!!!
She can always go home to daddy, with her dog.
Pay attention with an objective eye and learn something about her you need to know.
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