Ask Me Help Desk - Is 8 years too much of an age difference?

Is 8 years too much of an age difference?

I am 17. The man I am in love with is 25. I have known him for three years, and he has become my best friend. When he met me, I was into drugs and basically with the WRONG crowd. He helped me realize that I deserve so much better, and he helped me make my life better. He is someone I trust and know completely. We know everything about each other, and when we are together, we are so happy. I never tire of him. He recently moved, and we see each other once in a while. I do not wish to date him now, but when I go off to college we want to try dating. We are both worried that the age difference is a bit much, but I guess I just want some random advice. : ) Please don't be too harsh on me...

Once you turn 18, if you want to try dating, I don't see a problem. It is possible your gratitude towards him rescuing you is being mistaken for love. But its worth a try. I don't think 8 years is too much as long as you both are adults.

I think you are wise in waiting to date him. Get yourself a bit situated in college next year and keep your focus. Like Scott said, this could be a reaction to him being your "saviour" and that does happen. ON both sides. Also, dating is not saying you will be engaged or have a sexual relationship. You owe no promises except to yourself.

You have a great deal to look forward to. I somehow do not think you will enter into something in haste. Best to you.

I agree with the above statements. At adult ages age differences don't really matter. I think you'll be fine. But DO wait until you are 18 AND settled in the college life. Don't let him talk you into moving out of the dorms or getting married while still in college. While this works for some people, it does cause many drop-outs. Make it clear that college is your first priority and that you will finish NO MATTER WHAT, so that the two of you will have a great life together...

BTW, does he have a college education? Or currently in college?

Thank you all for the advice! And to answer the one question- yes he has a college education. He has a great job also.

Quote:

Originally Posted by secret987

thank you all for the advice! and to answer the one question- yes he has a college education. he has a great job also.

That is really good! Please focus on you, too - what you want to be and the steps that you need to get there. As far as being with this guy, if you both have it together as far as what each of you wants out of your individual lives and also a relationship, then I don't see why things won't work out for the two of you.

When you are 24 and he is 33, that could be OK, but right now it is a issue.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

When you are 24 and he is 33, that could be ok, but right now it is a issue.

Why would it be an issue if she is waiting until she is 18?

I think she still needs to get into college and mature, there are many emotions and I am afraid she is confusing some of them.

I agree that she needs to settle into college. But we don't know her maturity level personally, just what we see here. So, we can't really take the into account here. And also, you're right, she COULD be miscontruing love for him as just greatfullness, but again, we don't know that. So, I think that it would be okay for her to explore her feelings for him and him for her. I don't see a problem with that.

Once she is 18, she can date whomever she wants, but personally I can't image why a 25 year old man would have a romantic interest in a teenager. I think he is too old for her. Even when she is 18 and he is 26, I think it's too old and would wonder why he is attracted to a teenager. In fact, he should not be seeing her now, it's inappropriate.
I wonder if her parents knows she is seeing a 25 year old man.

She has stated that they are just friends. And if they have been friends for three years, I'm sure her parents know about it. And while 18 is still in the teen years, she will be an adult. And able to make her own decisions. Again, I don't see a problem with it, as most women mature faster than men.

I know she says they are just friends, I just think it odd for a 25 year old man to be "freinds with a 17 year old girl. I know that as a parent he would not be hanging out with my 17 year old daughter.
I also wonder if he is as in to her as she is to him.

That's something that really only he knows... I dated a 29 year old when I was 20, so I don't think age differences between adults are too important.

I agree, but even though 18 is considered adult, there is still a big difference between a 18 year old girl and a 26 year old man.
And the fact she has been friends with this adult male since she was 14 is a bit suspect. A man that age should not be befriending a girl that young.

While this is true, how do you know it wasn't a family friend, or a siblings brother? My question to the OP is this? Do your parent's know of this friendship that you want more from? Do they approve? If not, DON'T DO IT, even if you are an adult. And furthermore, has he EXPRESSED that he cares for you the same way you care for him?

He actually worked with both of my parents. He had just got out of college and moved very far away from any relatives. My parents brought him into our family. I am an only child, so when he would come over we would play croquet outside, or fish, or whatever... we never thought of it as anything more than he as somewhat of a mentor to me. He would help me with homework. We sometimes went to themeparks. But we enjoyed our time together. He has told me that when we first met, I was a completely different person. I was a kid. But now that I am older and have been through my share of problems, all of which he helped me through, he sees me as something more. He and I are on the same level of maturity, and everyone I know tells me I am much more mature than I should be. Nevertheless, our relationship has never been anything more than friends. But we both think there could be something WHEN I AM LEGAL!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by secret987

He actually worked with both of my parents. He had just got out of college and moved very far away from any relatives. My parents brought him into our family. I am an only child, so when he would come over we would play croquet outside, or fish, or whatever... we never thought of it as anything more than he as somewhat of a mentor to me. He would help me with homework. We sometimes went to themeparks. But we enjoyed our time together. He has told me that when we first met, I was a completely different person. I was a kid. But now that I am older and have been through my share of problems, all of which he helped me through, he sees me as something more. He and I are on the same level of maturity, and everyone I know tells me I am much more mature than I should be. Nevertheless, our relationship has never been anything more than friends. But we both think there could be something WHEN I AM LEGAL!!!

And your parents approve? If so, I say go for it.

Thank you!

Your welcome. But like I said, don't let it affect your school! At all... hopefully he will understand the importance of education since he's a college graduate.

If anything, he would make me do better! : )

I hope he is a good guy. I just can't see a 17 year old and a 25 year old on the same maturity level. Do you parents know about this new relationship, this possible dating one?

He is a wonderful guy. And they have mentioned the idea of us dating.. to be honest, it's almost as if they want us to! They know how great he is, and how much we are completely in sync with each other. I don't expect anyone to understand us... I just wanted some opinions! But you would have to know us, know our situation.. our past. You would have to have been there in the beginning, to see us become each others favorite. Yes-i totally agree that our situation seems weird. But it's not, and we love each other so very much---even if we are only friends for the rest of our lives.

Well I hope things work out for the both of you. Just finish your education first.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I hope he is a good guy. I just can't see a 17 year old and a 25 year old on the same maturity level. Do you parents know about this new relationship, this possible dating one?

I've been vocal against adults having a relationship with minors. But I got a good sense in reading from the OP. The impression I got was not one of an adult preying on a child. The impression I got was sort of Pygmalionish. I aksi got the impression that the idea of dating was more to explore whether they there may be more to the relationship, not that there was definitely something going to blossom.

That's why my initial recommendation.

Good luck, young lady.

Here I go again, I do see a problem here. He is mature, she is still yet to find her adult self. Dating is one thing, and if they want to date, why not? But college is a time to learn, academically and about yourself. He should be past that stage, she should have the chance to experience it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cerisa

Here I go again, I do see a problem here. He is mature, she is still yet to find her adult self. Dating is one thing, and if they want to date, why not? But college is a time to learn, academically and about yourself. He should be past that stage, she should have the chance to experience it.

And exploring possible relationships is one of those learning experiences. So, she will learn whether it will work.

My opinion is that age dosen't matter and if u's really care and love each other you's can make it work...

Good luck!:D

You seem like a very smart, intelligent person, and I think you could make it work. But you are only 17, going off to college, you have so much more to experience, and he's already experienced it. If I were you I'd stay friends with him and experience life with people your own age that are going through it with you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ily

my oppinion is that age dosen't matter and if u's really care and love each other you's can make it work.....

good luck!:D

Age doesn't matter when both parties are adults. But when one or both parties are still minors then it matters very much.

I think 18 is okay, but 21 would be better. He is still your knight in shining armour right now and you need to make sure your feelings are true. College is a wonderful experience. Please allow yourself time to enjoy it.

I wish you well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by secret987

I am 17. The man I am in love with is 25. I have known him for three years, and he has become my best friend. When he met me, I was into drugs and basically with the WRONG crowd. He helped me realize that I deserve so much better, and he helped me make my life better. He is someone I trust and know completely. We know everything about each other, and when we are together, we are so happy. I never tire of him. He recently moved, and we see each other once in a while. I do not wish to date him now, but when I go off to college we want to try dating. We are both worried that the age difference is a bit much, but I guess I just want some random advice. : ) Please don't be too harsh on me...

I can relate, I'm 27 was 26 when I met the guy I was involved with, he was 43, so as you can see big age difference, I to was struggling with addiction issues, and I still I'm, yes initially in the beginning, age was an issue, but after we fell in love, that wasn't even an issue, everything was just falling into place. We are having issues now, but the age factor has nothing to do with it. Bottom line if you 2 really love each other, it will work out. Good luck!

Quote:

Originally Posted by bunk07

I can relate, i'm 27 was 26 when i met the guy i was involved with, he was 43, so as you can see big age difference, I to was struggling with addiction issues, and i still i'm, yes initally in the begining, age was an issue, but after we fell in love, that wasn't even an issue, everything was just falling into place. We are having issues now, but the age factor has nothing to do with it. bottom line if you 2 really love each other, it will work out. good luck!

There is a very big difference between 26 & 43 and 17 & 25. Presumably at 26 & 43 you were both reasonably mature adults. Equating such a situation to the OP's is bad advice.

Yes I agree with ScottGem, I should have been more clear about that.
It's great, if it works out for the two of you, but importantly, nothing should start between
The two of you romantically, until you're of age. Just make sure you're pursuing this relationship with this man because you're in love with him, and not because he saved you from a difficult situation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bunk07

Yes I agree with ScottGem, i should have been more clear about that.
It's great, if it works out for the two of you, but importantly, nothing should start between
the two of you romantically, until you're of age. Just make sure you're pursuing this realtionship with this man because you're in love with him, and not because he saved you from a difficult situation.

Agreed, but I think they were talking about the fact that she is to start college soon and needs her attention to be focused there and not on her new romance. While I think that it COULD work out, I do think that she should make school her first priority.

Okay, I know a lot of you are going to disagree with me, but this is straight from Developmental Psychology and Erikson's Developmental Stages.

17 and 25 is really not a big difference, however, both people are in different life stages in their mental and emotional growth, no matter how "mature" the 17 year old is.

As far as the 17 year old:

Quote:

Adolescent
Identity vs Role Confusion
Tries integrating many roles (child, sibling, student, athlete,
Worker) into a self-image under role model and peer pressure

And the 25 year old:

Quote:

Young Adult
Intimacy vs Isolation
Learns to make personal commitment to another as
Spouse, parent or partner

No matter what the "maturity" is of either partner, they are in 2 different life stages. Once a person enters into the Young Adult phase, the gap in age closes and this is why, after the age of about 24 or 25 people can have longer term relationships with people much older than them.

I don't think 8 years difference is a problem! For me,it is great! I hope my Mr.Right in future is 5 or 8 years older than me! When you think it is time for you to date out,and you guys are willing to do that,why not?

my mom and her boyfriend and my dad and his wife (they are separated) are both eleven years apart =D

Quote:

Originally Posted by hxc_kate

my mom and her boyfriend and my dad and his wife (they are separated) are both eleven years apart =D

11 years is different when you reach adulthood. Just think about it... a 22 year old with an 11 year old.

Do you see the difference?

Once we reach adulthood things are different, but during childhood or adolescence there are rules.