7 months ago I ran into my old boyfriend, who I haven't seen for 25 years. He was my boyfriend when I was 15-17 years old. At the time we broke up I when we were teenagers, he wanted it to be more serious and I, being only 17 was afraid of talking about
Getting married and so forth. I had heard about him a few times between then and now, I
Was told by a few people that even years later he asked about me and said he couldn't get
Me out of his mind. I too, thought about him a lot over the years, and regretted hastily
Breaking up with him. Well, the years go by, and I have been married (15 years) and
Divorced, he is on his 2nd marriage. His 1st marriage only lasted a few years, his current
Marriage is going on over 15 years now. I have also heard from several people that his
Current wife is very possessive of him and has a lot of problems, including threatening suicide, having 2 afairs (that he knows about) etc... Anyway, when I saw him again it was
Obvious that the feelings were still there for us both. When we hugged, neither one of us
Wanted to let go. As dramatic as this may sound, I actually felt like I found a missing piece of myself. We exchanged emails and have been in touch ever since. We have met
In person a few times during lunch and after work. We can talk for hours and be happy
Just holding each other. We talk about everything on email, from every day things, our kids, and how we feel about each other. Neither one of us knows what to do. I know this is obviously wrong, and hearing about and knowing people having affairs with married men, before this happened to me, my advise was always to just get out of it and stop it.
Having an affair with a married man is something that will only get people hurt. These things do happen, my best friend actually got back together with her old boyfriend from high school, while she was still married, she got divorced and married her old high school boyfriend, they have been married 17 years now. I feel like an idiot not, believing I would never let myself get into a situation like this. But it's here, it's happening and I don't know what to do. One thing I haven't mentioned yet is that I have been with the same man now for almost 6 years. We have a great relationship, and without him knowing it, I have screwed that up! The old boyfriend that I am, I guess I could say having an affair with has been talking about divorcing his wife, he says they have always had problems and he wants to be with me. I know I sound like the idiot, in love with a married man who realistically may never leave his wife. I would like advise please, mostly from people who have experienced the same thing, not just having an affair like this, but with an old love. Hopefully there is someone out there who can give me advise, good or bad and maybe share their experience. :confused:

You're a not smart woman and a homewrecker! Are you freakin' serious? What do you expect people to say when you tell them you're dating a married man. He's freakin' married for a reason, no dating! Get a life come on, what? You can't find a single one?

Like rockerchick has said. He is married and your in a relationship right now. He is off limits no matter how you feel. Now if he is truly series about wanting to be with you he will get a divorce first. If your series about him you will let your boyfriend of 6 years.

You need to know that the grass is not always greener on the other side. My advice is stay clear until you are honest with your boyfriend and until your old boyfriend has a divorce and finalized. Then you will be and he will be free to do anything. Right now, off limits.

Bounderies.

Joe

:) I am still in love with my boyfriend from when I was 15 and always will be, because he was my first love! He was the first person who really knew how to make me feel special in soo many different ways and he too spooked me by talking marriage but I realise I am in love with the memory and my youth only. I can understand if your old boyfriends relationship is unhappy, the happy memories of you would be very appealing but the reality can be very different, not to say some people do not reunite with old loves with very successful relationships. I would suggest you seek a counsellor as it does not sound to me like you are in love, as you said from the first meeting neither of you wanted to release from the hug and you found "a missing piece", were you really as happy as you thought?

Thanks for the advise, even the nasty 1 calling me a whore, I would have said the same thing 7 months ago if I replied to this question, it's much different when you are in the situation, but for MishcaParker & Jesushelper-a big thank you to both of you, I am going to take your advice, we have not been intimate with each other, so best to end it before anything does happen, your advice (from the last too that is LOL) made me really think. I'll keep checking for other opinions and maybe ask for more advice on this if I need it. I kept thinking that it was fate/destiny that we ran into each other again, but, I think now that if that was the case, we would have run into each other when he wasn't married & I wasn't in a relationship . Thanks all

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I kept thinking that it was fate/destiny that we ran into each other

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Or a test of character, or mental heath of you both.

I agree, and Thank you, I think that makes more sense !

I'm sorry for my harsh answer, there's just been a lot of posts like this, it seems that way anyway. I don't know you, so what I said means nothing, but he's married, he's taken, get out while you can. Find someone who will commit to you fully, without someone else in the picture. Really I know it sucks to move one from someone you love, but it's for the best. You will find someone else that will add as much or more to your life as he did.

Hi,

I can empathise with you given it must be harder to have "had and lost" your first love, than to have let it go. However, that is indeed in the past and both of you had moved on to other choices in life in between all these years.

We all make choices in life and we have to stand by them - no matter what comes up. In that vein, any choice you make right now will lead to different outcomes and you have to stand by them. Love is a beautiful thing when it's pure and natural. The fact is that he's married and he still is no matter what external factors are governing it e.g. unreasonable wife, etc.

Excuses are not hard to find if we need them to justify our actions. Be honest with yourself - do you think you deserve a man who's not completely yours to hold, love and cherish? I'm not being old fashioned but just want you throw the light from a different angle.

And also, there are kids involved here. Yes, kids today are resilient but as adults, it is our responsibility to rise above our own wants and to look outside of the tiny circle.

Take some time away from this issue, take care of yourself and most of all, be kind to yourself.

Just remember that things when you were 17 were a lot easier than they are now. Of course you only remember what a great guy he was, you were 17 then... I can assure you that you've both changed and you shouldn't jump into this mess without realizing that. You guys are grown adults now, it is time to act like it.

You have both changed in all these years, common get a grip, it seems like some sort of school girl/boy fantasy. Those childhood years seem like magic, they always will to most of us, but do you risk your life now? For what.

Your in a happy relationship, don't risk it. It may be best now to have some alone time to reflect on what you want. Perhaps booking a trip away for a few weeks or days alone or with friends may help.

Thanks all for the reality check. I really do have morals! And never thought in a million years I'd sneak behind my boyfriends back or worse yet see a married man. One of the posts said that it's easy to make excuses to justify this-and boy is that true. I'm really glad I asked this here-funny thing, the responses are exactly what I would have advised someone myself. And yes there are kids envolved, my kids, my boyfriend's and the married man's-most of them grown, but none the less, not something you want your kids to loose respect for you for! I think I've already done that to myself-so among other things I need to get that back. I won't be able to talk to the married man until Thursday, but I am prepared to tell him it's over-on the phone. Honestly it will be a little hard, I think I'll read these answers 1st !

Hello sand32
I can feel exactly how your feeling cause not so long ago I was in the similar position you are. In love with my first love he was married with two kids. He told me he was unhappy with the marriage and his wife. He use to spend all his time with me as he wife lives out of the country. I had a boyfriend of 6yrs as well but thought I was exactly with man I love and never cared much about my boyfriend finding out. The married man made me feel special,wanted, he gave me all the attention he was my best friend and I actually thought he was going to leave his family for me.

I use to ask him when he was going to divorce his wife and the answer was he can't leave his children as he grew up in a single home. He can't do that to his kids.
I still stayed thinking he will leave her one day.

Then the reality hit me.. I fell pregnant with my first boyfriend.I told him and he told me to have an abortion. As he can't bare his wife finding out.
That's when I knew he was never going to her. All this didn't mean anything to him he was just having his cake and eating it.

I decided to keep the baby and told my boyfriend of 6yrs the truth about the baby and the affair.He was hurt but he forgave me and stayed with me.

As for the married man its over between us he still with his wife. The wife knew about us and the baby.but she stood by him.

So this is my advice from what I've learned from all this.
Run as fast as you can from this man. He's married he will never leave his family for you especially when kids are involve. If he was going to, he would have done it by now.
Yes he might be having problems with his wife but most married couples have problems.
Leave him before ist too late, yes he was your childhood sweetheart but that chance is gone now. His life is with his family now and yours is with your boyfriend.

You need to move on with your life learn to love your boyfriend of 6yrs. You need to tell him the truth cause he deserve to know all this.
U deep down have the answers to your question but sometimes we choose to ignore the truth.
The truth is, the married man is just enjoying the excitement and we tend to confuse that with love,he might be bored the hell out of his married and he's looking for a bit of excitement and now he's getting that with you.and when he's done with you there will be the next person and the next until he gets caught. Men lie and cheat all the time.

Stay away from him before its to late. Take care.

Stay away from him. He's married, you'll end up making a huge mess of the situation for both of you. Take a step back, a deep breath and move on. You'll be with someone who completes you in good time. Everything happens for a reason, you just keep doing what's right and everything else will fall into place.

How does the old Spanish proverb go? "Take what you want and pay for it, says God."

The price for an affair with your old flame would most likely be your current relationship and possibly your relationship with your children as well. Are you willing to pay?

I think you need to quit now! Think rationally please!

I was in a similar situation although my old love was from in our early twenties. We met a few years later. It was like something out of a romantic novel, it was valentines day, and I was picking my friends daughter up from school as my friend was ill, when a motor bike passed me, the motor bike did a u turn and on it was my ex who pulled out a valentine card for me. He was going to put it through my door, but since we where both married thought better of it. We met up the following day and chatted for hours, this baceame a regular occurrence purley plutonic for 9 months, as we had both got our families to think about. Then the relationship progressed I left my husband first and it took 14 months for him to leave his wife, we lived together for three years and have been married for 10 months, and have a beautiful 2 year old girl. Love will conquer all, you will go through rough patches but once you get the goal you will never look back. Until you meet the one you love when you look back you will relise that that was not love, go with your heart and be happy.

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as we had both got our families to think about. Then the relationship progressed I left my husband first and it took 14 months for him to leave his wife...

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Candy girl, Just asking, not judging. Don't you think this plutonic 9 month friendship distracted you from putting all you could into your relationships, and was it plutonic still, as you waited those 14 months for him to leave his wife? Just curious as having been married 33 years, and been happy, know how much time and effort and commitment it takes to keep a marriage going, through all kinds of tribulation.

What you are going through is more common than you might think.

Here's a site with some research & discussion boards that might be of great help to you:

Lost and Found Lovers - Home Page

Thanks, Like I said originally this happened with my best friend while she was married to her 1st husband, she said she knew her life was changed when she saw her old h.s. boyfriend again after all those years &she's been married to her old h.s.boyfriend now for over 17years. It's very confusing, I did stop seeing the married man, though we are still emailing and talking on the phone. He respects that I won't see him until the day ever comes when I am not with my boyfriend and he is divorced like he said he is going to be soon (I know that's what they all say) he hasn't tried to push it &he says that makes sense for us to stop meeting and seeing each other.At 1st we didn't communicate at all, then he called me after a few days and asked if I thought it would be OK if we just checked in with each other once in awhile. It was so nice to hear his voice, I agreed to that. I don't know if I made the right decisson to just be in touch on email/phone sometimes or if we should stop all communication, until and if ever I am not with my boyfriend and he is not married anymore. Like I originally said I never thought I'd do this to my boyfriend of 6years, so I sure the hell have to figure out some things about what I want and if my relationship with my boyfriend is the right thing, and he (married man) has to do that as well, we can't do that (figure things out) if we see each other so that' why we arn't-any comments on us still communicating--checking in with each other once in awhile? We do not discuss our relationship/marriage and how that is going as far as staying together or not-we agreed we can't think with clear heads on that as long as we talk about it to each other.

I concur with Blastoff. Take a look at that site he recommended. There are lots of people going through what you have. Unfortunately, not many success stories but some people who have rekindled, reconnected and ended up together are incredibly happy with their situation. The question is whether you want to risk going on what many on that board call a rollercoaster ride. As for many of those on this board who have judged you, simply ignore them. Nobody else has the right or knowledge to judge you or tell you what you should do because they are not walking in your shoes. Gain as much information about this phenomenon (not uncommon) and make your own decisions and choices. Good luck.

I've never been in your shoes but married men are off limits. If he wants to be with you badly enough he'll divorce his wife soon enough. Just because his current marriage may not be a healthy one doesn't make it right for you to fool around with a married man. While waiting for him to divorce his wife you've got to come to terms with your current relationship of 6 years. It isn't fair for you to drag him along either. If you truly feel that you ultimately want to end up with this old boyfriend then have the decency to make a clean break with this other guy now.

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they are not walking in your shoes.

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Why would I want to walk in the shoes of a cheater, homewrecker, or adulterer??
I made a vow not to.

The #1 life principle is Do No Harm. Therefore, you must not do anything with this man that could potentially harm his wife, his children, him, and you. I've had an affair with a married man and got out with great difficulty. It is morally and ethically wrong. Tell him you cannot continue to see him or speak to him because he is married. Mend your broken heart. Believe that there is someone just like him (or better!) out there for you.

I also believe in karmic retribution which means that all your thoughts/words/actions will come back to you in some way. I think many people do not see adultery as wrong anymore because it is so prevalent. Marrieds cheat with singles or other marrieds. Singles cheat on their boyfriends/girlfriends. If promises have been made through marriage vows or through talks of exclusivity, then you are honor-bound to respect that other person. Draw the line before you're emotionally tied even deeper than you are now.

Like Talaniman said, perhaps this was meant as a character test for you both. I think that's a very wise analysis. The man with whom I cheated reappeared again to rekindle the relationship. He's still married, I'm still single. But I did not give in. He began calling incessantly, he stopped by my apartment twice, left me notes on my car. I am determined not to allow myself to slip back into immoral behavior again, no matter what. No matter how great the temptation. He will never be in my home again. We will never discuss/do anything that wouldn't be discussed/done in front of his wife. He may not have risen above our past dishonor, but I have. It is my choice to stay on a new path. And it is yours, too. Do not give in.

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andy2659 disagrees: I just don't understand such incredibly myopic thinking as yours.

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Of course you don't, You must put FAMILY first. I will take that kind of myopic thinking anytime.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Of course you don't, You must put FAMILY first. I will take that kind of myopic thinking anytime.

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You think your family is better off if you are in an unhappy marriage? Your children? Your wife?

Its so easy for somebody to pontificate about things that are none of their business or things which they don't understand.

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Originally Posted by andy2659

You think your family is better off if you are in an unhappy marriage? Your children? Your wife?

Its so easy for somebody to pontificate about things that are none of their business or things which they don't understand.

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No one deserves to be in an unhappy marriage. But, before moving on to another relationship one must resolve the issues in the unhappy marriage. If it is divorce than fine, if it is counseling than fine, but cheating on your wife or husband is not the answer.

What does that teach the children?

Ouote "His 1st marriage only lasted a few years, his current
marriage is going on over 15 years now. I have also heard from several people that his
current wife is very possessive of him and has alot of problems, including threatening suicide, having 2 afairs (that he knows about) etc..." Sand 32 Does this man have the staying power that it takes to see a marriage through. At 40+ years of age he is ready to leave his second marriage. Ok, lets talk about his wife who seems to have some serious mental issues. Were are his kids when he is meeting up with you? What kind of man leaves his kids with a deranged mentally unstable person to have a moment away with his lover. Is this the kind of man that you want? I do not think he is quite the catch you make him out to be. Even if he leaves his wife for you, which I doubt he will, 15 years is along time to stay with a crazy woman, that you don't love. What happens to you if you and he get together and you start to have problems, will he find someone else to hold and comfort and exchange emails with.

andy2659, You think your family is better off if you are in an unhappy marriage? Your children? Your wife?
There is a right way to do things and a wrong way.............:D Just leave before you bring more misery and pain.
Its so easy for somebody to pontificate about things that are none of their business or things which they don't understand.
Whats so hard about to understand its wrong to put your family thru misery and pain, because of BS??????????????????:confused: Be aware that posting in public makes it anybody's business.:eek: You stuck your nose in, didn't you?:rolleyes:

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Originally Posted by andy2659

I concur with Blastoff. Take a look at that site he recommended. There are lots of people going through what you have. Unfortunately, not many success stories but some people who have rekindled, reconnected and ended up together are incredibly happy with their situation. The question is whether you want to risk going on what many on that board call a rollercoaster ride. As for many of those on this board who have judged you, simply ignore them. Nobody else has the right or knowledge to judge you or tell you what you should do because they are not walking in your shoes. Gain as much information about this phenomenon (not uncommon) and make your own decisions and choices. Good luck.

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So you are telling this woman to only think of what is good for her, The children caught up in this lying cheating deception, do not deserve to have parents that are foscused on them and what is best for them. I had a lying cheating father so I feel as though I have the right to judge her. I am 44 years old and I still remember the fights, the other women and being ignored because he was to caught up in something other than being a father. He is in his 60's now and gues what he is still up to the same old $hit so what does that tell you about men that are to immature to deal with their problems and just go from woman to woman. *Edit* Oh and by the way when he and my mom divorced I was 6 years old. So dear old dad has been a womaniser for what 38 years hmm...

I am not suggesting to sand32 that extramarital affairs are "good" or "justifiable" things. What I'm suggesting is that there is a particular reason why she's having this issue with this person, and many of the internal emotional dynamics involved are NOT the same as those that people find in your day-to-day run of the mill, extra-marital affairs.

The site I referenced would help explain why.

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Originally Posted by bushg

So you are telling this woman to only think of what is good for her,. The children caught up in this lying cheating deception, do not deserve to have parents that are foscused on them and what is best for them. I had a lying cheating father so I feel as though I have the right to judge her. I am 44 years old and I still remember the fights, the other women and being ignored because he was to caught up in something other than being a father. He is in his 60's now and gues what he is still up to the same old $hit so what does that tell you about men that are to immature to deal with their problems and just go from woman to woman. *Edit* Oh and by the way when he and my mom divorced I was 6 years old. So dear old dad has been a womaniser for what 38 years hmm.....

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You have missed the whole point. No body is advocating womanizing and affairs. We are talking about whether a person has the right to be with the love of there life or to at least explore that possibity. None of you have convinced me of anything other than you believe everybody should live by your own standards and moral judgments. Our country is great because it allows for not only freedom of expression but freedom of thought. You can have any opinion you choose on the matter. But don't think for a second that your position is absolutely correct or the other person's absolutely incorrect. And I still don't see how anybody can possibly tell somebody else what they should or should not do with their lives. You can only speak for yourselves.

andy2659, I put my children first since they were brought in this world by myself and my husband. Hell, it would have been so easy to have given up many, many times. But children need to have parents that are willing to do the work in order to make a family work. They Deserve to have both a mother and father in their day to day life, offering them security and guidance and attention. How can a parent focus their attention on their children when they are worried about problems with their spouse and a girlfriend at the same time, and work and on and on... After their kids are grown then they can make all of the crappy decisions that they want to. But until then they have a responsibility to raise their children with their parent. Personally, If a grown woman wants to date 10 married men then that's on her , it's the children in this mess that I concerns me. They deserve more.

My children who are all grown except for 1teenager at home are not affected by this. Again, we have not been intimate, I don't ignore my kids, grown or still at home, my kids have always been my #1 priority. As I said on another one of my comments, I haven't seen him for 2weeks. When I did it was not ever when I should have been with any of my kids. I do want opinions, good or bad, but I must say this is not a sneaking off to a sleazy hotel situation. I don't know if I mentioned also, but, my boyfriend does know that I ran into him and have been emailing him. Yes there is still a lot of wrong about this because of the feelings we are having towards each other. Which is why I am not meeting him for lunch or seeing him at all anymore. I am very glad I am getting all these opinions though, it certainly does help.

Sand32, all I will say is what you are feeling is not unusual. Many other people have gone through it. Don't let those who don't understand or who think they speak from some morally superior advantage get to you. Believe me when I tell you they are absolutely clueless and their judgments of you are worthless. You can be a wonderful mother regardless of anything they say. One issue has absolutely nothing to do with the other. Good luck.

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Originally Posted by andy2659

Sand32, all I will say is what you are feeling is not unusual. Many other people have gone through it. Don't let those who don't understand or who think they speak from some morally superior advantage get to you. Believe me when I tell you they are absolutely clueless and their judgments of you are worthless. You can be a wonderful mother regardless of anything they say. One issue has absolutely nothing to do with the other. Good luck.

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All I can say to your post is: what a disappointment to hear you say this. What a disappointment.

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Originally Posted by andy2659

Sand32, all I will say is what you are feeling is not unusual. Many other people have gone through it. Don't let those who don't understand or who think they speak from some morally superior advantage get to you. Believe me when I tell you they are absolutely clueless and their judgments of you are worthless. You can be a wonderful mother regardless of anything they say. One issue has absolutely nothing to do with the other. Good luck.

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One issue has absolutely nothing to do with the other.

Your so wrong here. Of course, each issue does effect each other.

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Originally Posted by sand32

My children who are all grown except for 1teenager at home are not affected by this. again, we have not been intimate, I don't ignore my kids, grown or still at home, my kids have always been my #1 priority. As I said on another one of my comments, i havn't seen him for 2weeks. when i did it was not ever when i should have been with any of my kids. I do want opinions, good or bad, but I must say this is not a sneaking off to a sleazy hotel situation. I don't know if I mentioned also, but, my boyfriend does know that I ran into him and have been emailing him. Yes there is still alot of wrong about this because of the feelings we are having towards each other. which is why I am not meeting him for lunch or seeing him at all anymore. I am very glad I am getting all these opinions though, it certainly does help.

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I know you know you are doing wrong. It is time to stop and make it a right. When you are single and he is too, that is when it would be right. Put yourself in your boyfriends shoes. You would be so hurt. Remember we treat others how we want to be treated. When we do right, right does us... Karma, God, how ever you want to put it. I really think it isn't to late to turn this thing right around. Thank you for listening! Start

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Originally Posted by sand32

My children who are all grown except for 1teenager at home are not affected by this. again, we have not been intimate, I don't ignore my kids, grown or still at home, my kids have always been my #1 priority. As I said on another one of my comments, i havn't seen him for 2weeks. when i did it was not ever when i should have been with any of my kids. I do want opinions, good or bad, but I must say this is not a sneaking off to a sleazy hotel situation. I don't know if I mentioned also, but, my boyfriend does know that I ran into him and have been emailing him. Yes there is still alot of wrong about this because of the feelings we are having towards each other. which is why I am not meeting him for lunch or seeing him at all anymore. I am very glad I am getting all these opinions though, it certainly does help.

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Sand I am not saying you are right or wrong. As far as your b.f , How would you feel if it were you? The old sweet heart is what gets me the most in this, a 15 yr relationship, sneaking around on a insane woman with kids this is what really concerns me. Sand usually what we feel at 15 -17 is not the deep strong love that can withstand the test of time. I am afraid that you are caught in the youthful feelings of days gone by. You do not really know him as a man. You can not be with him out in the open around his family and friends to get a good judge on his true character. You have conflicting feelings about him and this relationship or you would not have posted here. All said at the end of the day you are the one that lays quitely at night with yourself and your thoughts and you know, in the pit of your stomach if you are proud of your actions. I do not think that you are with out morals or that you are a selfish woman. If had you been, you would have went head long into this relationship with out giving a damn about anyone else. All said, at the end of the day you are the one that has to be proud of you.

Thanks bushg-he doesn't have kids with the "insane woman" they are only hers, and they are grown and gone also--but I do see your point! You're right about the conflicting feelings-which is why I posted here-I've never gone into one of these before! I did stop seeing him 2wks ago now-when I was seeing him it was during lunch hour-we work in the same general area-this is how we bumped into each other in the 1st place.What you say makes a lot of sense--I have to say, anyone in here can turn the corner coming out of Starbucks and bump into an old love and get those feelings back again--It can happen when you lease expect it and take you by surprise because it's so overwhelming. But, it's not what happens to you it's what you do about it right? I'm glad I asked for opinions in here,though some were assuming it was more than it was and affecting kids etc.. But it was bad enough, staying in touch, meeting for lunch and after work (while I wouldn't have been with my kids anyway).. So, I have changed things and I don't intend on seeing him or being in touch with him anymore-that will only lead to 4 people getting hurt. So I have stopped it completely. Thanks for all the opinions, good or bad, mostly from the people who actually read this.