Ask Me Help Desk - Seeing a married man.does he love me?

Please, excuse me my English, I am not native speaker.
My problem is that I am seeing a married man and fell in love with him. I would like to know if he is in love with me too? I know what I am doing is wrong, but I can’t help it. I love him so dearly, sometimes it is hard to breathe. I don’t want to break his family and hurt him and I will not do anything wicked. I just want to know if he loves me too. If I would just know that there is love from his side, I would be happy. I am 23 and he is 43 with 2 kids. We worked together, but due to the nature of our work we could see each other only 10-14 days in 2 months. This has been lasting for 7 months now. I would like to know does his actions mean that he loves me? I have been planning to study abroad for over 2 years now, but did not have funds for that. He helped me with it. We have been seeing each other for 7 months now and only could have one holiday trip so far. I whispered once that I love him and he didn’t reply. After a week he smsed me saying that he misses me and loves me. That was on the New Year. We both seem to avoid the word love though. Before his departure this time he told me that he is getting very much fond of me. That he wants to spend every day with me. I didn’t say anything. I wanted to hear the word love. Is “fond of you” his shy way of saying that he loves me? Or am I just wanting to think what I want? His assignment ended this time and he left home to another country. He is now trying to get a job in my country so that we can be together again. He told me that he will make everything to come back to me, and I have seen him do that. Arranging interviews, etc. The plan is that if it takes longer than we want we will go on a holiday together. The last 2 days before leaving he has been a bit childish getting upset over me dancing with a colleague of mine. He told me that he is insecure. It is very unsual of him to admit such things as he doesn't want to come across as a weak person. I told him that I don't need anyone else, that I will be keeping myself busy with studying and gym. He said I can surely find someone who can keep me busy. I asked if he want that, he said he will be very dissapointed if I would go for it. That is when he said that he is just feeling very insecure. Also, he is helping me with money again this time because it turned out that there will be more expenses involved during my education. It also surprises me that he helps me with money, because it means that I will leave in 6 months to study in another country where there is not job for him. I would think that he would rather want me to stay and work where I am now so that we could be together, but he is helping me even if it means that I will leave him and we won’t be able to see each other. I don’t know what to think now. He never talks too much about feelings. He is a person of action. According to him actions speak louder than words. Also, he is a man of his word. He never promises unless he knows that he will keep his word. Sometimes I can’t understand some of his actions. He asks me to call him and sms him when he is home. I don’t understand. I don’t do that because I am afraid that his wife can find out about the affair then. Does this not scare him? He says that they sleep in separate rooms, could it be true? I want to know if he truly love me? Would he want to leave his wife and be with me? Not that I want it and ruin a family, but I just would like to know. He never said anything about it, maybe it is because he sees that I am not ready and willing? I just don’t want to cause his wife and kids pain. Maybe it is the age difference? Or he is still in love with his wife? I have been suffering throughout this relationship (can’t eat, constant nausea, weight loss) but I can’t bring myself to leaving him. I know I am the bad person here, but I am not willing to end it with him. I love him so much. Please tell me if he is using me only for sex and fun. I would not want that. He wants to continue seeing me I think even when I start studying (he travels a lot). But I want to knows is he using me or does he love me? Please do not criticize me for seeing a married man, I seem not to understand anything right now or not willing to understand it. I just love him so much and want to know if he does too.

Of course not, you are a young fun sex toy, and he will tell you he lies you want to hear but when the choice hits, his family gets his main attention.

And stop the babble BULL, of course you don't care about his wife, and his kids, and of course you do't care if you cause them pain, if you really cared, you would have never started dating a married man to start with.

And your love is wasted, since there is no return, no long term place.

So you are happy with second best, ever wonder when he slides into bed with his wife after leaving you, what he is telling her

He's married,so he is off limits.
He's also a married man who cheats and tells lies.
Separate bedrooms?
That's a classic.
Try to find the dignity and selfrespect to walk away from this.

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but I want to knows is he using me or does he love me?

He loves to use you because you are young and willing. Why not? You believe anything he tells you. You do anything he asks you.

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Please do not criticize me for seeing a married man, I seem not to understand anything right now or not willing to understand it.

That's pretty obvious as you're the mindless slave of a lying , cheating master. If you don't believe me ask his wife, she knows the truth and can help you understand and see clearly.

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I just love him so much and want to know if he does too.

Of course he does. All guys love their toy on the side who is there to be played with. Oh, are your sure you're his only toy though? He does travel a lot.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You do anything he asks you.

No, I don't. I am not the kind of always loving and understanding lover. In fact, I am fiery and angry all the time, because I am not happy with the whole situation. I am not easy to be with, sometimes I am intolerable because of all my feelings and knowledge that we are not meant to be.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

if you don't believe me ask his wife, she knows the truth and can help you understand and see clearly.

What about should I ask his wife? He never made any promises to leave her for me. I have no right to do that.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Of course he does. All guys love their toy on the side who is there to be played with. Oh, are your sure your his only toy though? He does travel a lot.

I am not talking about that kind of love. I am not sure of anything, even if I am his only so called "toy" to play with.

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Originally Posted by Mags13

he is a man of his word. He never promises unless he knows that he will keep his word.

If that were the case, he would not be cheating on his wife and children.

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Originally Posted by J_9

If that were the case, he would not be cheating on his wife and children.

I am not talking about life long promises. Things change overtime. Who knows what happened in his marriage. He never talks about it he just says that he is sad about it. I know from work colleagues of mine that she used to call him and force him to talk to him during his meetings at work, that she would always hung up on him then call over and over. I am not justifying him. All I know is it is never all balck and white

If his wife asked him if he had a thing on the side he would promise her NO.

He lies to his wife so he'll lie to you.

No it's not all black and white. I am a scorned woman. My ex husband was like the man you are with.

The problem I have is that you know it is wrong and that you continue the affair. When his children and wife find out, and they will, it will be ugly.

You continue to make excuses for being with him. You know it's wrong. You are his cute little play thing on the side.

You're right, who knows what happened in his marriage because I can probably guarantee that whatever he tells you is far from the truth.

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Originally Posted by J_9

No it's not all black and white. I am a scorned woman. My ex husband was like the man you are with.

I am sorry to ask but did you leave him because of his affair?

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Originally Posted by J_9

You continue to make excuses for being with him. You know it's wrong. You are his cute little play thing on the side.

I am starting to gather it. But inside me there is a little glimpse of hope that maybe he does have some true feelings for me.

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Originally Posted by J_9

You're right, who knows what happened in his marriage because I can probably guarantee that whatever he tells you is far from the truth.

He tells me nothing. We never talk about his family because it hurts me and most likely makes him feel uncomfortable and we have this silent understanding about it.

Yes, I did leave him because of the affair. My children suffered as well. They had trust issues for a very long time.

He no longer with the woman he cheated on me. That was a short lived relationship after their daughter was born. Yes, my ex had a daughter with his mistress.

Please understand I'm not trying to be rude or hurtful, just present the side of the wife.

He tells you nothing about his family because it is none of your business. Of course, he doesn't tell his wife and children about you either.

This is not how a relationship should be. You should be sharing everything with each other... no secrets.

He doesn't care about you. You are a piece of tail to him. He goes home at night and eats dinner with his wife and children, spends holidays with them. Birthdays and Christmas will be lonely for you.

Don't you want to be number one in someone's life? Free to walk out in public holding hands, kissing under the moonlight, sharing a home, sharing your lives?

Do you just want to be the woman that sits and waits for him to finish spending time with his real family, his wife and children and then comes to see you when he wants a bit of sex? Is that all you're worth?

I know you think you love him. I'm sure that he loves his wife. He doesn't show it very well, that's for sure. He's a cheater, which makes him a liar. He wants what he wants and he found someone eager to give it to him. That someone is you.

The fact is, if he loved you, he'd be with you. He's not with you, he's with his family. He's lying to them, but he's still with them, sleeping beside his wife, watching TV with his wife, playing with his children, making a home with them, being a husband and father to them. You are his pet.

I want to ask you, are you happy to be number 2? What happens when this man gets tired of you and decides to either try to be a faithful husband and father or find a different mistress.

Judge him by his actions. Why would you trust someone whose very relationship with you shows he's untrustworthy.

Find someone that can be your everything and for whom you are everything. Find yourself respect and stop being someone's play thing.

You know in what situation you are now? I can't call you "young" and "inexperienced", because I myself am younger than you. Is it fair, that what you are doing? You've never experienced real pain or loss that's why you want more than that what can make you happy. The worst thing is that you cause other's pain to sacrifice your selfish need. Leave him for good, he has 2 kids and a wife, your guilt should override your senseless love towards him.

If you want to test, who he loves more, make an arrangement with his wife, you and him. This way, you'll solve the whole situation. You'll find out his true intention whether the feelings are true or not.

I understand all you are saying but I don't think that I can leave him now. I do want to be the number one in someone's life, but all the guys that are making a move on me - they are good guys, but I only get irritated because I can only think about him. I want to be the number one in his life, I know that it is impossible, and trust me I am not building any hopes that he will leave his family for me.

Lets say he DID end up leaving his whole family, wife children house.. everything (unlikely btw) Do you honestly think that this cheater won't cheat on you? He got tired of his wife to whom he took vows to marry and cherish that just shows how much he values a relationship. If you guys ended up being together, I PROMISE YOU, you my dear will ALWAYS wonder if he's doing it to you. That's what he does well is LIE and cheat. You will always be in the dark no matter if you his main girl or his side toy. He tells you he loves you to keep you coming back. Why doesn't it make you angry knowing he sleeps with his wife & YOU both of you are sleeping with the same man, don't you find that disgusting? Might as well go have a 3some.

I know that once a cheater always a cheater. My mother divorced my father because he was having an affair. I have been brought up to think that all men cheat at least once in their lives. Isn't it true? Are there guys that have never in their lives cheated on their wives? Honestly, I don't know... but I doubt it very much. I would not want him to cheat on me but I suspect that he would if he would get bored with me... nobody is protected from that... even good perfect husbands can slip on their way and get tempted... I am not saying it is good... it is just reality.. or so I think

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Originally Posted by J_9

Yes, I did leave him because of the affair. My children suffered as well. They had trust issues for a very long time.

This is sad...

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Originally Posted by J_9

Please understand I'm not trying to be rude or hurtful, just present the side of the wife.

Of course I understand. All you are saying maybe true... but maybe not, and maybe he does have feelings for me. After all, I am not too bad person

No not all men cheat. Women are just a likely to cheat as men, I've never cheated on my fiancé, never even thought about it. I guess I have values and certain morals.

Yes, he would cheat on you. If you think he loves you and is truth to you, then simply tell him to leave his wife and start a life with you. I bet he has a huge number of reasons he can't.

Cheating is a CHOICE some people make.
They cheat because they want to and because they can.
This guy has probably had a number of affairs over the years.
In the end I think you'll find that you will end up hurt and alone.

The better choice would be to walk away now.

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Honestly, I don't know... but I doubt it very much. I would not want him to cheat on me but I suspect that he would if he would get bored with me... nobody is protected from that... even good perfect husbands can slip on their way and get tempted... I am not saying it is good... it is just reality.. or so I think

Bad behavior is a reality, but intentionally bad behavior is a choice, that cannot be justified by feelings, or temptations. Helping a guy cheat is just as bad as being a cheater, and the ones that do have a very bad, and skewed reality that they accept. That's their choice to make, but no way can you justify it as being right, even in the name of love.

Sadly, you justify YOUR actions as being reality because of your feelings and not facts.

You have written you don't expect him to leave his family for you, then why are you even pursuing this affair? I know, because you love him, right?

That's no excuse for bad behavior, and maybe you can't help how you feel, or who you love, but you can help what you do about it. You have chosen to give in to those feelings, and accepted bad behavior, as your reality, and that's more than sad its wrong. That's the easy way out, and a good way to dodge responsibility for your actions.

Do what you want, but its sad you have accepted this treatment of bad behavior for yourself, and try to justify it in the name of love, when you can't see a happy future in it. That's also reality.

By the way, assuming that all guys cheat is not reality, or acceptable. So I think that you should stop lying to yourself, about your feelings, and your actions. That too is a choice you make for yourself.