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Quote:
Originally Posted by PatBateman
Well some weeks il see him about 3 times.. then I may not see him for more than a week, we don't call each other much and we don't chat online... we also live in different areas so always have to stay over. You shouldn't be worrying about having seen her already without makeup etc... its good that she's relaxed enough around you not to have to worry.
You don't have any problems with always staying over?Quote:
Originally Posted by ladymuck
If you don't mind me asking, how old are you and your guy?
I am 22, and I just got out of a 6 year relationship with a girl I met when I was 16. It took us about a month to kiss, and 2 years to have sex! So for me, dating at this age is sort of intimidating, and the girl I'm seeing has had much more experience than me.
But wow, 3 times a week... what do you guys do for dates?
Quote:
Originally Posted by PatBateman
Well OK I've got a few years on you.. I'm 33 and he is 37.. we don't always feel a need to go out, we'l cook for each other sometimes and have a chill out night in front of the TV, we find things to do though but 3 times a week isn't often, its usually once or twice a week tops so you can always find things to do even if its just going for a quiet drink, we always manage to find things to talk about as we don't see each other all the time and no I don't mind staying over each time. Unlike you I've not been in a serious relationship for about 3 years so to have some company in the night is refreshing, however, for you it may be the opposite to have to bed to yourself lol!
Most important thing for you is balance. You're not on a clock. There is no perfect regimen. But you know from the discussions here that a lot of people get in too much too fast. Done that myself.
Make the time you are together worth something. The quality vs quantity thing. You don't need to be something you're not, but I wouldn't spend a lot of time together doing absolutely nothing. Granted, it is nice to do absolutely nothing now and then with a peson you like. But again, your goal is to keep the interest high and keep her attention. She has friends to talk to about every little detail of her life, just like you have friends to talk to about things that don't need to be a part of a date.
Initiate some of the things you do together. Drive the relationship some. And of course keep your own life too. If she sees there's more to you than being her butler shell likely stay interested.
Giving some time on the weekend makes sense if it works for you. Its sometimes the easiest time to get together, and its how my relationship with my wife was structured in the beginning. You're not on the phone every waking minute with her so that's great. A call now and then or a quick message seems to be working and reasonable.
Like I said... the only other thing is let her know you have a life outside of her too. You don't need to spend every weekend with her if there is something you want to do without her sometimes. If you get too much into the every sat/sun routine she might expect it every single time. So what about going to that game with the guys? Is that going to cause a fight? Need to do some work around the house? Take a day without her. Need a day at the gym? Go. See her later. Don't ignore her. But don't be all about her.
I would hope she would do the same with you. She shouldn't be at your beck and call and she should have interests and things to do outside your relationship. Again, I know you are not seeing her all the time. Good for you.
As long as you are relaxed, having fun, and not in too deep, you're probably doing fine.
Yeah, we both have our own lives.
During the week, I'm at work and after work I go to the gym and spend time with my mom and dad since I'm still living at home (but not for long). The weekends are completely free, and I use them to chill with my friends who are still in school, and of course, this girl.
She is a grad student and her week is filled with classes, labs, internship hours, and working out as well. Her weekends are a lot like mine- open for friends and of course, me.
I guess to be honest, what I'm afraid of isn't seeing her too much, but rather falling into routine, which is one of the reasons my past relationship failed.
So far, it's been:
Go over her place around 7 or 8 on Saturday night
Go out for dinner/dancing/movies/whatever with her or with her friends as a group
Get back to her place around 12-2am
Mess around, talk, get to know each other more
Go to sleep around 4am
Wake up around 12 or 1pm
Make breakfast for each other, invite friends over and watch a football game or whatever
I leave around 5pm, go home and crash... lol.
Definitley. This weekend will be good... just me and the boys.
Oh, another thing- do you think a day trip to NYC is too much too soon? This was the other thing that was on my mind.
God, I think about everything.
Sounds fine. You've got a life.
Also, at your age, the biggest thing is to learn and have fun. Most of us go through a few relationships along the way... don't get too much into the "i need her to complete me" crap at this point. Don't get me wrong, you can and might find a person you really can be with for long term. But really... don't worry about that.
Enjoy her, let her enjoy you. As long as you are both having fun and still both involved in your own independent lives, you're doing fine.
You've only been dating a month or so and already are spending the weekends at her house? And you don't think that's too fast?? Way too fast. Slow it way down. Interest level is high right now cause you're just spilling yourself all over her and vice versa, BUT, it will end up biting you in the rear. She will (or you for that matter) wake up one day and say, I'm done, too much too soon. I know it feels good right now, but is it worth the price of terminating this relationship prematurely because of too much everything. Take control of your whims, miss her and let her miss you, its much nicer that way.
Well it's hard because she's an hour away... so when I end up seeing her on Sat night, it's difficult to have to drive home and doesn't make much sense.Quote:
Originally Posted by momincali
She is a grad school student and shares an apartment with 2 other girls, so when I'm there, we sleep in her room... she doesn't have a room mate or anything like that. I'm usually over there from Sat night to Sunday afternoon, and we don't see each other during the week because I've got too much stuff going on to drive an hour to see her and then be back at home to sleep and get up for work the next day.
Do you think I should just drive home on Sat night after we go out or whatever?
The whole sleep over thing also has to do with how we met. She found out that I liked her, and at a party, she asked me to go home with her. I guess we both thought it was going to be a one-night type thing, but we didn't have sex (I said no), and we started seeing each other and it's become a relationship type thing, although neither of us have defined it as being "official".
The distance thing is throwing a bit of a monkey wrench into it, but, I would definitely go out with her earlier on Saturday evening and then drive home (as long as you're not drinking). On the occasions you do sleep over (and I'd recommend making it only occasional), then leave Sunday morning around 10 or 11ish. That will give you the space you need in a healthy relationship that is just starting, not to mention the extra hours you need to do your own thing, whether its laundry or hanging with your friends, whatever. Even though you don't see each other on week days, it will still overcrowd her and it's going to come from left field. I'm glad you said no the first time you slept there, shows character on your part. Show her more. Be the mature one and take control. If she asks why the change, be honest and tell her that you really like being with her and you don't want it to end because of too much contact too soon. She may not understand initially, but she'll get it soon, and thank you for it later. What's the hurry anyway?
Let me ask you something, how did it make you feel that she asked you to go home with her after meeting her at a party?
It made me question her character. I've only been with 1 girl my entire life so far, and consider myself to be one of those respectful and shy types. Not because I am forced to be, but by choice. I don't like the hook up scene.Quote:
Originally Posted by momincali
I liked this girl, and she really came on strong by asking me to go back with her. I guess I enjoyed this attention, as I had never experienced it before, but it kind of made me feel uncomfortable, and so I told her I just wanted to get to know her and we stayed up all night talking.
By the way, I really like your suggestion. That is exactly what I will start doing from now on. Personally, I felt a bit uncomfortable staying with her all day on Sunday... just didn't feel right to me... it felt forced. She loves it of course, and she always asks me to stay over, etc.
Also, do you mind giving me your input on whether a day trip date to NYC is appropriate at this stage? I was going to take her to central park and top of the empire state.. she's never been to NYC before.
You know, I think that a date to the empire state building/central park is incredibly romantic, I mean, REALLY romantic, like the movie "An affair to remember". Is that where you're trying to take this? Personally I think its way too soon. I guess I asked you how you felt about her aggressive invitation to her house was that I thought she was, well, aggressive. There was a time when an invitation like that on the night you met might label a girl as slutty. I'm not saying she's one, I'm just wondering how many times she's actually done that before and whether she thinks its perfectly okay behavior. It seems to me like you're not typically prone to date these kinds of women, is that what you want? I think a day trip like that is reserved for someone who is really special, someone you've been with for a while, longer than a month at least.
To be perfectly honest and brief, she's a very kind hearted girl with a tainted past. Her past doesn't bother me one bit, and it only makes me like her more. She was basically the "crazy girl" who made her mistakes and now she says she's calmed down a lot and wants to live her life differently.
Enter me, the guy who never liked partying or getting drunk and you have an instant connection- she finds the new type of guy she's looking for.
Since you asked me where I'm taking this... I would say I am taking this into the realms of a new relationship. However, if you asked me why, and asked me if I believe I am truly ready, I wouldn't be able to answer "yes" with conviction.
I just don't want to mess this up, and I'm afraid that I already am.
Pat, you're not messing anything up, you're slowing it down because you do want it to last. Nothing wrong with that. Start with not sleeping over every weekend. That will slow it, but not kill it. What does she think about your relationship? Not what does she feel, but what does she think? Have you talked about that?
[QUOTE=momincali]The distance thing is throwing a bit of a monkey wrench into it, but, I would definitely go out with her earlier on Saturday evening and then drive home (as long as you're not drinking). On the occasions you do sleep over (and I'd recommend making it only occasional), then leave Sunday morning around 10 or 11ish. That will give you the space you need in a healthy relationship that is just starting, not to mention the extra hours you need to do your own thing, whether its laundry or hanging with your friends, whatever. Even though you don't see each other on week days, it will still overcrowd her and it's going to come from left field. I'm glad you said no the first time you slept there, shows character on your part. Show her more. Be the mature one and take control. If she asks why the change, be honest and tell her that you really like being with her and you don't want it to end because of too much contact too soon. She may not understand initially, but she'll get it soon, and thank you for it later. What's the hurry anyway?
Hey, just to let you know... you've actually made me realise too much too soon can be a bad thing, guess I'm used to guys being full on in the past and find it odd when theyr not now but.. the guy I'm now seeing is taking things slow and maybe... well maybe it's a good thing. I know your advising the guy that started this thread but just wanted you to know what you've written has helped me too. Cheers.
Yes, we have discussed many things, especially my past 6 year relationship, and the circumstances between us (i.e. meeting so soon after, etc.) She has told me straight up, point blank that she really likes me and she thinks I'm different. She said that I am very affectionate, accommodating, and she likes how I didn't even "rush the kiss" on that first night we spent together, and she liked even more that I don't think sex is a huge deal, and that it is something that must be done.Quote:
Originally Posted by momincali
She has confessed that she's afraid of me hurting her (aka going back to my ex) but that won't happen. I would never go back to my ex... lol. However, I was dumped and I'm just afraid that I am using her as a rebound. I don't know if I am... that's the tricky part.
The tricky part, that's precisely why to take it slow. The slower you take it, the less damage will be caused because there's not so much attachment.
I do not read a too fast situation here... just a concern... this is an early romance and it will slow down on it's own... it is OK to be concern about your relationship... but donot let it take too much of your time... got problems... no... just relax... and let it flow... LET IT FLOW! HeeHaa:p ;)
Sounds like you're doing OK so far.
As you see some of us are all over the place, so you already know how I feel, keep it slow and balanced between your own life and that of your new interest. Pay attention and you'll know when to back off or chase a little.
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