"I thought I was doing fine. I mean hell, I thought she was the one rushing things. I made quite a few posts about this girl. I mean, here are some signs I interpretted as saying "lets get more serious":

- invited me back to her place the first night we hung out (we met 2 weeks earlier)
- got physical with me REAL QUICK...pretty much everything but sex
- asked me to hang out with her every weekend (dinner, dancing, going to a birthday party)
- wanting to take pictures of our dinner date to the Top of the Hub in Boston
- bought me a dvd of her favorite movie randomly
- told me that she "has a feeling that I'll be around for a while"
- the night we stayed in NYC, she looked at me intensely and told me to "ask her my question"
- told me to post all the pics we took in NYC on my Facebook profile (probably wanted me to show everyone that I was with her)

Pat,
I think that you chose to interpret these things to mean more than what they really were. Just because she asked for /invited you repeatedly doesn't mean you had to take her up on all of them. By accepting all those invitations, you lost control of the speed. It's kind of like a little kid with a bag of candy, can he eat all that candy in one sitting, yep! For 15 minutes, he'll be the happiest kid on the face of the earth, eventually, comes the stomach ache though. Should the parent allowed him to eat it all in one sitting, on an empty stomach (the empty stomach is like you after a multi year relationship) just because he could? Absolutely not. Now, the kid is blaming the parent for the stomach ache because they should have know beter.

No, she's not a child, and she should have also been mature and responsible enough to know that it was too much too soon. But she didn't and neither did you.

"All of these signs pushed me towards asking her to be official... even though I was hesitant. I like dating, but I just got out of a relationship and don't want another one just yet."

Follow your instincts, they usually talk to your brain and not your heart.

I don't think its too late, just slow it down. Have fun, in moderation, cause a broken heart is a lot harder to heal than a stomach ache.

I do value the connection with another person over meaningless fun. I'd rather take a walk with someone and have good conversation than get drunk at a bar. Just the way I am. It's not that I'm insecure or don't know how to socialize... I just choose this versus that.

Yes, Momincali, it was my fault that I gave control of myself over to her. By accepting her invites every single time, without a doubt I gave the impression that "Hi, I have no life and no friends, and whenever you want to hang out I am free to hang out with you because I have nothing better to do!"

I'd like to go back to where we were, but I don't know if this talk has already messed things up. She's a cool girl and I'd hate to have ruined something that has potential to turn into a good friendship/relationship or whatever.

She went back home to California for a wedding and she'll be back on Monday. Starting NOW... I am not going to reply to any of her texts, and pretty much all of her phone calls are going to go to my mailbox, and I'll call her back a few hours or a few days later. I'm also stopping all AIM and e-mail convos... I think those type of convos are just unnecessary. It's phone or in person from here on out... on my terms.

I need to get my power and control of the situation back.

I'm also not going to ask her to hang out for a few months. She can ask me, and I'll tell her when I can or cannot make it. And I'm going to be sure to reject her a few times and cut our dates short.

Question is though... what if she calls me out on my new behavior? What do I say? For example, if she says something like "you've been avoiding me lately..what gives?" or "what have you been so busy with?"

She knows me enough by now to know that I'm not out every weekend socializing. So if I lie to her and say I've been chillin with this person and that, she'll know and call me out.

Tips?

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I just don't get how what we've done so far has been "rushing things"... I really don't. I've just been going with whatever she wants...

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It only took 2 months to get a dog collar on you and chain you to the porch. Not her fault , yours! If you must date then have several ladies and don't get serious for a year no matter what. You've been doing a lot of chasing UGH! Too Available UGH! UGH! And too obedient AAARRGH! Is it possible to do something else on the weekends like golf?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

It only took 2 months to get a dog collar on you and chain you to the porch. Not her fault , yours!! If you must date then have several ladies and don't get serious for a year no matter what. You've been doing a lot of chasing UGH! Too Available UGH! UGH! And too obedient AAARRGH! Is it possible to do something else on the weekends like golf?

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What's the best way to remedy the situation while saving face and getting the girl? I did fall into it too quick because I think I'm still in LTR mode. Hard to get out of, but I'm trying. Met this chick a little too soon, but this kind of stuff is never planned.

Yeah, she will call you on the carpet about your sudden lack of availability, and she may not like it all that much, even though she warned you. I think you need to be honest without spilling your guts.

Tell her that you gave this some thought and realized you guys were moving way too fast. Tell her that you understand why she would think that you have no life, but that it's not true. Tell her that you need to get back to it cause you've realized that although being with her is great, you need to spend time alone and with those you've neglected. Also, let her know that it doesn't change your feelings for her, you still really like her and you look forward to lots of fun times.

This should be the only time you explain this to her. If she hounds you about it later, change the subject, have fun with her, cause all she's trying to do is get you to change your mind, even though its not in the relationships best interest. It sounds like she wants to have you around as much as she wants, and then push you away when she's not in the mood and then turn around and make it seem as though you're asking too much.

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Originally Posted by PatBateman

What's the best way to remedy the situation while saving face and getting the girl? I did fall into it too quick because I think I'm still in LTR mode. Hard to get out of, but I'm trying. Met this chick a little too soon, but this kinda stuff is never planned.

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Did you plan to give in to her every wish? Hey look Pat you've been here long enough to know the routine , back off be less available and nothing serious for a year. There real simple. Just because she has an idea doesn't mean you carry it out. How about simple dates like quick dinners and home movie and home. Stay out of positions where you know your weak. You need time to get yourself on solid ground with you after the death of a 6 year relationship. Why focus on one female anyway that's what I feel is a red flag for you now. Its like your trying to replace what you once had. Forget it . That is over and now you must make the effort to know you well enough so you won't fall for any tricks or traps and can put YOUR interest first. Forget the girl get PAT.

I think in many ways I'm trying to replace what was lost. I miss deep conversation, someone's hand to hold, and someone to cuddle up and watch TV with. At the same time, I know this girl isn't my ex and cannot serve as a replacement. She has her own thoughts, fears and desires and whatnot. I know this. I just met this new girl at a bad time... she's a good person, and many of her attributes match mine... totally honest with myself here. She's got some potential. I just need to make sure she doesn't turn into a rebound... and I think that is what she's trying to do too... nobody wants to be used as a method of getting back at someone else.

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Originally Posted by momincali

Yeah, she will call you on the carpet about your sudden lack of availability, and she may not like it all that much, even though she warned you. I think you need to be honest without spilling your guts.

Tell her that you gave this some thought and realized you guys were moving way too fast. Tell her that you understand why she would think that you have no life, but that it's not true. Tell her that you need to get back to it cause you've realized that although being with her is great, you need to spend time alone and with those you've neglected. Also, let her know that it doesn't change your feelings for her, you still really like her and you look forward to lots of fun times.

This should be the only time you explain this to her. If she hounds you about it later, change the subject, have fun with her, cause all she's trying to do is get you to change your mind, even though its not in the relationships best interest. It sounds like she wants to have you around as much as she wants, and then push you away when she's not in the mood and then turn around and make it seem as though you're asking too much.

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Wow... I really appreciate this post. Totally makes sense, and extremely helpful!! Yeah, after several missed phone calls and a few denied date invitations she's going to ask me why I am taking it to the extreme or something like that... I know that is coming. I really like your idea about telling her how our conversation caused me to think, etc. if and when she asks because this way I regain control and steer whatever it is that we have in a direction under my watch. The power is back in my hands. Perfect!

TWO months is too short of a time to get carried away.

Do exactly like she says ; show her that you're not always too available, etc. You're busy and have a life. Take up a new hobby or something to fill up some of your weekends when you're not just "eating, sleeping, working and working out." Keep in mind that a lot of women will come on hot and heavy at the beginning but don't misinterpret that as a sign that "I'm ready to get serious." Just go along with it and enjoy yourself but also allow plenty of time between dates so she doesn't get the impression that you're a "wuss." "Few but intense" should be your motto when dating someone new, meaning don't see each other too often but have a blast when you do.

Yeah, I realize all of this now.

I'm the new kid on the block here... being away from the dating scene for 6 years has really handicapped me. But I'm learning through experience, and of course, from you guys.

I am beginning to think that based on my past and recent experience with the ex, and my general state of being right now, I was misinterpretting her and simply seeing something that wasn't even there.

I'm going to do exactly what you guys said and what momincali said to say if she asks me about it. Time to gain back my power and control!!

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Originally Posted by PatBateman

Yeah, I realize all of this now.

I'm the new kid on the block here...being away from the dating scene for 6 years has really handicapped me. But I'm learning through experience, and of course, from you guys. I hope you all don't mind all my crazy posts...haha.

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That's really the best way to learn if your heart can stand it. As for the crazy posts?? They aren't crazy and I got nothing else to do. (addicted to forum) Watch out or you'll get hooked too, trust me.:D

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Originally Posted by momincali

It sounds like she wants to have you around as much as she wants, and then push you away when she's not in the mood and then turn around and make it seem as though you're asking too much.

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Ooh, I just read this. I missed it before.

Why would she do that?

Mom - GREAT RESPONSE!! I've seen this os many times.

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Originally Posted by PatBateman

Ooh, I just read this. I missed it before.

Why would she do that?

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Its called CONTROL.

She's trying to control me you mean? So let me get this straight... when you're dating someone, it's all about playing the game as to who controls who? And the dominant one gets what as the prize?

Sorry, might seem like a dumb question but I'm still learning.

She is controlling the relationship and its is moving too fast. I can't say its intentinal but you by giving in to her wishes have brought this about. She's calling the shots here and you are letting her, bottom line.

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invited me back to her place the first night we hung out (we met 2 weeks earlier)
- got physical with me REAL QUICK... pretty much everything but sex
- asked me to hang out with her every weekend (dinner, dancing, going to a birthday party)
- wanting to take pictures of our dinner date to the Top of the Hub in Boston
- bought me a dvd of her favorite movie randomly
- told me that she "has a feeling that I'll be around for a while"
- the night we stayed in NYC, she looked at me intensely and told me to "ask her my question"
- told me to post all the pics we took in NYC on my Facebook profile (probably wanted me to show everyone that I was with her)

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Sometimes you have to politely say no or some similar phrase instead of going along with her program. That's why YOU need a program since she is all too willing to lead.

How about Pat completely givinh up women for a while until you are comfortable with yourself.
You have addmitted that one of the mian reasons your with this women is to replace what you lost when your 6 year relationship broke down.
That is so unfair on her and you. It won't work.
Its called a rebound and we never see them work.

But other than that just take tal and mom's advice here. They have gioven you some great stuff.

You will be fine. I just think you need some time to heal and get over the 'death' of the last relationship.

I know how much it hurts and how long it can take to feel better.

You shouldn't rely on being with someone else to make you happy!! Not healthy at all!

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Originally Posted by talaniman

She is controling the relationship and its is moving too fast. I can't say its intentinal but you by giving in to her wishes have brought this about. She's calling the shots here and you are letting her, bottom line.


Sometimes you have to politely say no or some similar phrase instead of going along with her program. Thats why YOU need a program since she is all too willing to lead.

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So it's her fault for rushing it then. How can she blame me if she's the one who has been in control all along? Yes, I'm at fault for saying yes all the time, but still.

It would only be her fault if you were deaf, dumb and blind. Got to share the responsibility on that one, you're not 7 years old Pat, I think you knew she was driving the car but you didn't mind until she wrecked it...

She is trying to control it, why? Because she can. Don't let her. Take back control. You call the shots.

I do plan on taking back control... but I think she'll have to contact me first. As of now, I'm just moving on, assuming it's over. That conversation we had was pretty intense last week... really talked about hot issues straight up. It was one of those convos that I would dread... even when I had been dating my girlfriend for years. One of those "we need to talk" convos... lol.

If she contacts me, I'll take back control for sure. But I don't know if she will.

This is going to make things really weird for me if she just stops talking to me. When I visit my buddy, I'm going to have to deal with this crap... for the next 3 years. But it's not like I'm going to stop hanging out with my friends. She's just one girl in that social circle. Whatever.

I don't think it will come to that Pat. I think that by you taking back control, she may just see you in a different light and want you even more.

Those conversations are tough, but necessary I guess, it only makes you stronger right?

Haha well, being optimistic is a good thing, but since she got back from California yesterday morning she hasn't contacted me yet. But then again, she hasn't been online or whatever, so we'll see.

I'm no longer stressing about this, as I've realized that if anything, meeting this girl has boosted my confidence in women a bit, and has taught me a little about the rules of dating someone new. I've already benefitted from this, even if she never talks to me again.

With that attitude Pat, you will definitely land on your feet, no matter what she throws at you. Good for you.

Well I guess not all is lost. Yesterday night she sent me a little message on Facebook just saying how she's back from home, etc. I didn't respond.

You guys think I should write one back tomorrow? Or just wait a while until she contacts me again?

Id be waiting a while.
You don't want to appear as though you are 'too available' to her. Those were her words.
Well now your busy with other things.
I'm sure she isn't going anywhere with anyone else so why not just wait a little and let her think. And if she does well you know she wasn't worth it anyway!

Give her the space she is asking for!

Oh crap, she just IMed me and she knows I'm online.

I'm just making some small talk with her now and I'm going to end it.

Here's the convo:

Her: hey there... how are you doing?
Me: I'm good, you?
Her: swamped...
Her: but good
Me: how was you weekend?
Her: great... I got to see lots of family and friends..
Her: the wedding was awesome... I just didn't get any time to study really
Me: haha well that's to be expected
Her: but it was nice to be home...
Her: I haven't done that since I graduated and I won't be able to see fresno people during christmas break
Me: did your parents cook you any special meals?
Her: they all tend to scatter
Her: of couse... I got my fave the night I came in
Me: and what's that
Her: sirloin tips w/ ice and broccoli
Me: oh really
Her: yep... one of my all time faves
Me: I would have thought it to be something fancie
Me: like veal medalions o something in a glaze
Her: why would you think that?
Me: no reason, it's just that steak tips, ice, and broccoli is something I actually eat quite often, so I don't see it as being special
Her: how long does it take you to make?
Me: I don't make it... I have my boy anthony grill the steak tips for me
Her: yeah... you are missing out
Me: yeah I haven't had steak tips in a while
Me: I usually cut anthony's hair, and he pays me with meat
Her: lol
Me: did you go to karate tonight
Her: no... my ankle still hurts and I'm swamped with work
Me: when and how did you injure it?
Her: last week in sparring I rolled it and reinjued it fom this summer
Me: well some time off will be good... my injuries are finally gone
Me: no more shoulder pain, and my knee is better too
Her: that's good
Her: bb... have to restart comp


She signed off before I could end the conversation. I just put up my away message and I'm done talking to her for the night. She's prob testing me to see if I'll still be on here waiting for her to come back... lol.

Your busy, got to go. Things to do, people to see.

She sent me a text message just as I was about to go to bed and told me her comp was flaking on her and she said "sweet dreams"... I sent her one back and called it a night. I'm not going to talk to her at all today.

I'm going to keep sort of a journal type thing here, as I see if I can turn things around. Maybe people can learn from my experience.

You keep saying your not going to talk... but that's way too much text and IMing?

Stop it!

Get a hold of yourself. Way too available to this gal - STILL!

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

You keep saying your not going to talk....but that's way too much text and IMing?

Stop it!

Get a hold of yourself. Way too avaialble to this gal - STILL!

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Really? I hadn't talked to her since last Thursday... it had almost been a week without contact...

That conversation was only 5 min long...

If you think I should be even less available, I'll do it then. No contact this whole weekend.

I didn't realize that. Ok.

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

I didn't realize that. Ok.

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Haha yeah, I was going to say... lol.

I think as long as I keep it to 2-3 short convos a week I'll be fine. I'm just glad that I didn't mess this up completely.

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Originally Posted by PatBateman

Ok, so I've been seeing this girl for about a month now and we really have great chemistry. In the beginning (my earlier posts) she wanted to hook up with me. It all began when she asked me to go home with her one night after we both attended a party, and I basically refused her advances 3-4 times and treated her with respect.

Well, as time went on, and we went on more and more dates, she confessed to me that she has feelings for me now and really likes me. That's good, because I like her alot too. So, this past weekend, I was ready for sex, because I felt comfortable around her and after a month of getting to know her, I felt that it would be OK. So I tell her this when we're messing around on Sat night and she says no!!!!

I was like, "huh?"

She told me that now it's different because she has feelings for me and she doesn't want to get hurt. This doesn't make any sense because she obviously had no problems hooking up with 2 guys before me, and now I go out of my way and am better and nicer than the other guys and I can't get sex?

Someone please explain whats going on here.

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Just let her come back to you,when she was chasin you could get what you wasn't but when you stop her chasin she gets a little confused so keep her chasin you then ul get what you want though she may turn out to be a lapdog! An that isn't good either