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Quote:
Originally Posted by PatBateman
Well some weeks il see him about 3 times.. then I may not see him for more than a week, we don't call each other much and we don't chat online... we also live in different areas so always have to stay over. You shouldn't be worrying about having seen her already without makeup etc... its good that she's relaxed enough around you not to have to worry.
You don't have any problems with always staying over?Quote:
Originally Posted by ladymuck
If you don't mind me asking, how old are you and your guy?
I am 22, and I just got out of a 6 year relationship with a girl I met when I was 16. It took us about a month to kiss, and 2 years to have sex! So for me, dating at this age is sort of intimidating, and the girl I'm seeing has had much more experience than me.
But wow, 3 times a week... what do you guys do for dates?
Quote:
Originally Posted by PatBateman
Well OK I've got a few years on you.. I'm 33 and he is 37.. we don't always feel a need to go out, we'l cook for each other sometimes and have a chill out night in front of the TV, we find things to do though but 3 times a week isn't often, its usually once or twice a week tops so you can always find things to do even if its just going for a quiet drink, we always manage to find things to talk about as we don't see each other all the time and no I don't mind staying over each time. Unlike you I've not been in a serious relationship for about 3 years so to have some company in the night is refreshing, however, for you it may be the opposite to have to bed to yourself lol!
Most important thing for you is balance. You're not on a clock. There is no perfect regimen. But you know from the discussions here that a lot of people get in too much too fast. Done that myself.
Make the time you are together worth something. The quality vs quantity thing. You don't need to be something you're not, but I wouldn't spend a lot of time together doing absolutely nothing. Granted, it is nice to do absolutely nothing now and then with a peson you like. But again, your goal is to keep the interest high and keep her attention. She has friends to talk to about every little detail of her life, just like you have friends to talk to about things that don't need to be a part of a date.
Initiate some of the things you do together. Drive the relationship some. And of course keep your own life too. If she sees there's more to you than being her butler shell likely stay interested.
Giving some time on the weekend makes sense if it works for you. Its sometimes the easiest time to get together, and its how my relationship with my wife was structured in the beginning. You're not on the phone every waking minute with her so that's great. A call now and then or a quick message seems to be working and reasonable.
Like I said... the only other thing is let her know you have a life outside of her too. You don't need to spend every weekend with her if there is something you want to do without her sometimes. If you get too much into the every sat/sun routine she might expect it every single time. So what about going to that game with the guys? Is that going to cause a fight? Need to do some work around the house? Take a day without her. Need a day at the gym? Go. See her later. Don't ignore her. But don't be all about her.
I would hope she would do the same with you. She shouldn't be at your beck and call and she should have interests and things to do outside your relationship. Again, I know you are not seeing her all the time. Good for you.
As long as you are relaxed, having fun, and not in too deep, you're probably doing fine.
Yeah, we both have our own lives.
During the week, I'm at work and after work I go to the gym and spend time with my mom and dad since I'm still living at home (but not for long). The weekends are completely free, and I use them to chill with my friends who are still in school, and of course, this girl.
She is a grad student and her week is filled with classes, labs, internship hours, and working out as well. Her weekends are a lot like mine- open for friends and of course, me.
I guess to be honest, what I'm afraid of isn't seeing her too much, but rather falling into routine, which is one of the reasons my past relationship failed.
So far, it's been:
Go over her place around 7 or 8 on Saturday night
Go out for dinner/dancing/movies/whatever with her or with her friends as a group
Get back to her place around 12-2am
Mess around, talk, get to know each other more
Go to sleep around 4am
Wake up around 12 or 1pm
Make breakfast for each other, invite friends over and watch a football game or whatever
I leave around 5pm, go home and crash... lol.
Definitley. This weekend will be good... just me and the boys.
Oh, another thing- do you think a day trip to NYC is too much too soon? This was the other thing that was on my mind.
God, I think about everything.
Sounds fine. You've got a life.
Also, at your age, the biggest thing is to learn and have fun. Most of us go through a few relationships along the way... don't get too much into the "i need her to complete me" crap at this point. Don't get me wrong, you can and might find a person you really can be with for long term. But really... don't worry about that.
Enjoy her, let her enjoy you. As long as you are both having fun and still both involved in your own independent lives, you're doing fine.
You've only been dating a month or so and already are spending the weekends at her house? And you don't think that's too fast?? Way too fast. Slow it way down. Interest level is high right now cause you're just spilling yourself all over her and vice versa, BUT, it will end up biting you in the rear. She will (or you for that matter) wake up one day and say, I'm done, too much too soon. I know it feels good right now, but is it worth the price of terminating this relationship prematurely because of too much everything. Take control of your whims, miss her and let her miss you, its much nicer that way.
Well it's hard because she's an hour away... so when I end up seeing her on Sat night, it's difficult to have to drive home and doesn't make much sense.Quote:
Originally Posted by momincali
She is a grad school student and shares an apartment with 2 other girls, so when I'm there, we sleep in her room... she doesn't have a room mate or anything like that. I'm usually over there from Sat night to Sunday afternoon, and we don't see each other during the week because I've got too much stuff going on to drive an hour to see her and then be back at home to sleep and get up for work the next day.
Do you think I should just drive home on Sat night after we go out or whatever?
The whole sleep over thing also has to do with how we met. She found out that I liked her, and at a party, she asked me to go home with her. I guess we both thought it was going to be a one-night type thing, but we didn't have sex (I said no), and we started seeing each other and it's become a relationship type thing, although neither of us have defined it as being "official".
The distance thing is throwing a bit of a monkey wrench into it, but, I would definitely go out with her earlier on Saturday evening and then drive home (as long as you're not drinking). On the occasions you do sleep over (and I'd recommend making it only occasional), then leave Sunday morning around 10 or 11ish. That will give you the space you need in a healthy relationship that is just starting, not to mention the extra hours you need to do your own thing, whether its laundry or hanging with your friends, whatever. Even though you don't see each other on week days, it will still overcrowd her and it's going to come from left field. I'm glad you said no the first time you slept there, shows character on your part. Show her more. Be the mature one and take control. If she asks why the change, be honest and tell her that you really like being with her and you don't want it to end because of too much contact too soon. She may not understand initially, but she'll get it soon, and thank you for it later. What's the hurry anyway?
Let me ask you something, how did it make you feel that she asked you to go home with her after meeting her at a party?
It made me question her character. I've only been with 1 girl my entire life so far, and consider myself to be one of those respectful and shy types. Not because I am forced to be, but by choice. I don't like the hook up scene.Quote:
Originally Posted by momincali
I liked this girl, and she really came on strong by asking me to go back with her. I guess I enjoyed this attention, as I had never experienced it before, but it kind of made me feel uncomfortable, and so I told her I just wanted to get to know her and we stayed up all night talking.
By the way, I really like your suggestion. That is exactly what I will start doing from now on. Personally, I felt a bit uncomfortable staying with her all day on Sunday... just didn't feel right to me... it felt forced. She loves it of course, and she always asks me to stay over, etc.
Also, do you mind giving me your input on whether a day trip date to NYC is appropriate at this stage? I was going to take her to central park and top of the empire state.. she's never been to NYC before.
You know, I think that a date to the empire state building/central park is incredibly romantic, I mean, REALLY romantic, like the movie "An affair to remember". Is that where you're trying to take this? Personally I think its way too soon. I guess I asked you how you felt about her aggressive invitation to her house was that I thought she was, well, aggressive. There was a time when an invitation like that on the night you met might label a girl as slutty. I'm not saying she's one, I'm just wondering how many times she's actually done that before and whether she thinks its perfectly okay behavior. It seems to me like you're not typically prone to date these kinds of women, is that what you want? I think a day trip like that is reserved for someone who is really special, someone you've been with for a while, longer than a month at least.
To be perfectly honest and brief, she's a very kind hearted girl with a tainted past. Her past doesn't bother me one bit, and it only makes me like her more. She was basically the "crazy girl" who made her mistakes and now she says she's calmed down a lot and wants to live her life differently.
Enter me, the guy who never liked partying or getting drunk and you have an instant connection- she finds the new type of guy she's looking for.
Since you asked me where I'm taking this... I would say I am taking this into the realms of a new relationship. However, if you asked me why, and asked me if I believe I am truly ready, I wouldn't be able to answer "yes" with conviction.
I just don't want to mess this up, and I'm afraid that I already am.
Pat, you're not messing anything up, you're slowing it down because you do want it to last. Nothing wrong with that. Start with not sleeping over every weekend. That will slow it, but not kill it. What does she think about your relationship? Not what does she feel, but what does she think? Have you talked about that?
[QUOTE=momincali]The distance thing is throwing a bit of a monkey wrench into it, but, I would definitely go out with her earlier on Saturday evening and then drive home (as long as you're not drinking). On the occasions you do sleep over (and I'd recommend making it only occasional), then leave Sunday morning around 10 or 11ish. That will give you the space you need in a healthy relationship that is just starting, not to mention the extra hours you need to do your own thing, whether its laundry or hanging with your friends, whatever. Even though you don't see each other on week days, it will still overcrowd her and it's going to come from left field. I'm glad you said no the first time you slept there, shows character on your part. Show her more. Be the mature one and take control. If she asks why the change, be honest and tell her that you really like being with her and you don't want it to end because of too much contact too soon. She may not understand initially, but she'll get it soon, and thank you for it later. What's the hurry anyway?
Hey, just to let you know... you've actually made me realise too much too soon can be a bad thing, guess I'm used to guys being full on in the past and find it odd when theyr not now but.. the guy I'm now seeing is taking things slow and maybe... well maybe it's a good thing. I know your advising the guy that started this thread but just wanted you to know what you've written has helped me too. Cheers.
Yes, we have discussed many things, especially my past 6 year relationship, and the circumstances between us (i.e. meeting so soon after, etc.) She has told me straight up, point blank that she really likes me and she thinks I'm different. She said that I am very affectionate, accommodating, and she likes how I didn't even "rush the kiss" on that first night we spent together, and she liked even more that I don't think sex is a huge deal, and that it is something that must be done.Quote:
Originally Posted by momincali
She has confessed that she's afraid of me hurting her (aka going back to my ex) but that won't happen. I would never go back to my ex... lol. However, I was dumped and I'm just afraid that I am using her as a rebound. I don't know if I am... that's the tricky part.
The tricky part, that's precisely why to take it slow. The slower you take it, the less damage will be caused because there's not so much attachment.
I do not read a too fast situation here... just a concern... this is an early romance and it will slow down on it's own... it is OK to be concern about your relationship... but donot let it take too much of your time... got problems... no... just relax... and let it flow... LET IT FLOW! HeeHaa:p ;)
Sounds like you're doing OK so far.
As you see some of us are all over the place, so you already know how I feel, keep it slow and balanced between your own life and that of your new interest. Pay attention and you'll know when to back off or chase a little.
The girl I've been seeing for the past 2 months is now my girlfriend. After a weekend trip to the city, she hinted at me to ask her "the question", and I did. We agreed that the title meant nothing more than the fact that we'd now get to know each other exclusively, kind of like dating assurance I suppose. We also agreed that nothing would become more serious or move any faster, and that we'd get to know each other at a natural and slow pace over time. Good stuff.
I want to make sure I do it right this time though. I know the mistakes I made with my ex, and don't want to repeat them. However, I'd like some opinions from the women in here as to what they like from a guy in a relationship...
One of the mistakes I am afraid of making is being too available... not just for making plans, but emotionally available I guess. I want to make her "work for it" I think. Of course, I can only improve through practice, so here's my chance. Any tips for this?
Yes - take it SLOW - GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.
Be busy doing gother things. Have a friend to call when you feel like calling her - text a friend instead of her.
LESS IS MORE!! GIVE LESS OF YOURSELF AND SHE WILL WANT MORE.
MAKE HER CONTACT YOU MORE THAN YOU CONTACT HER - ALWAYS.
Don't always make plans - make plans with your friends. Don't give up ANYTHING becvause of her. If you golf - keep golfing.
HERE IS A HUGE KEY WE DO NOT DISCUSS HERE - Under NO circumstance do you change your life style and what you do because of her. If you go out with the boys on Thursday - keep doing that.
What about when she calls or IMs me? Don't respond right away? Call back the next day? Should I still play those types of games even thought she's my girlfriend now?
These are NOT games -it just means your busy. Respond - but not always right away. Be mysterious. She's also testing you to see how needy you are.
You don't have to always be there like a love sick puppy dog. Ever.
You think she's still going to be testing me? Like, purposely testing me? Hmm...
Would you mind giving me your opinion on this:
We took a lot of pictures in New York, and she took a really good one of me that I liked so much that I made it my Facebook profile picture. Well, she signs online and sees that I uploaded that pic, and she asks me when I am going to upload the other ones on Facebook. I tell her later on this week and she says thanks and that she wants to see them. It's weird though, because I gave her copies and she has them on her computer... so she doesn't need me to upload them online. I think she's doing this to see if I'm comfortable in showing our mutual friends that we're together... or more specifically, showing my ex-girlfriend...
Think this is the case?
I know it's not popular here - the women here won't admit it - but women will always test you. Laugh at the tests - it's no big deal. Go to Google and punch in "women's tests for men" - great articles will come up and show you what really is going on.
Yes - she wants SECURITY in showing the pictures. Is she a little insecure?
I think she's insecure in the fact that she's not sure if I'm into her. I mean, she has legit right to doubt because I just got out of a LTR, but I've assured her that I like her for her, and not just the novelty of being with a new girl.
I ended up posting the pics before I went to bed. Now I think I shouldn't have, and should have waited until the end of the week, but I thought it was stupid to do that. I had time, and it only took me 10 seconds.
Like Wildcat has already mentioned, it's important to continue to do your own thing. Just because your in a relationship doesn't mean that you should stop doing the things you used to enjoy doing. Continue to make time for yourself.
From a female perspective, I don't enjoy it when my better half is busy, but at the same time, I do appreciate that he has his other personal interests and things that occupy his time, other than me. It's not healthy for anyone to drop everything else for the one they love, right then and there, just because. In a time of need, certainly it would be appreciated. Otherwise, it's important to maintain a healthy balance in a relationship.
Waiting can bring good drive from a better half, a craving to be with or spend time with, as was kind of hinted at in this thread already. Just don't wait too long with things or the wrong impression is going to be given. You just may end up with a complainer on your hands instead of what you're really looking for. Give space to do your own thing, but know when to turn it off and turn it back on. You don't want your lady feeling like she's being deprived of your time and attention.
Hi Pat, Glad to see your doing well. I know the ladies will be along but for my 2 cents any healthy relationship will need balance and communications to even have a chance to grow. Don't change the things you do without her and give a lot of thought before to any suggestion to do otherwise. Growing together is a key to use wisely and make sure your pedestal is supposed to be just as high as hers. Yes their will be tests, that's what women do, Always stay honest with yourself and question anything your uncomfortable with. Love doesn't mean give up everything you believe in, so don't fall for just anything.
"fact that she's not sure if I'm into her." - Right now, where you are - that's a good thing. You're only a few months into it - keeping her arms length at times is ultra healthy.
No rushing things. Less is more for now.
You guys think I failed the test by posting the pictures when she asked me to?
You should post them if you would like to, not simply because she asked you to. However, if you did make a promise to post them for her within the week, then you stick to it so that she knows you are good to your word.
The fact that you are dwelling over these pictures is a bit concerning. Relax. :) They are just pictures. Take a deep breath here and relax. It seems like you're putting way too much into things you don't need to spend time dwelling on, like the pictures. This is going to stress you out to constantly spend your time dwelling so much like this.
When you want to do something for her, do it, but do it when you're ready to do it. :) Don't jump always when she asks you to do so. You do what works for you. :)
Well, I'm not dwelling on them, but more so on the reason why she wants me to put them up so soon. I wasn't even going to post them... lol. Not because I want to hide her from anyone, but I just don't really care to show the world my personal life.
Well, tell her that. She should be sympathetic to the fact that you don't wish to share your personal life with the world. There is nothing wrong with going out of your way for the one you love, but be sure that in doing so, it is comfortable to you. If you're not 100 percent comfortable in doing something for her because she asks you to, please don't do it but be open and honest with her as to why you won't do it. If she respects you and your feelings, she will understand.
I think you need to relax. It is good that you don't want to make the mistakes and also good that you want other people opinions on how to make it work.
Good!
Slow. Everyone will tell you that.
But just relax. Breathe. Take it easy. Don't put too much importance in her.
Now that you are exclusive doesn't mean that you can't still be the fun guy. No petty fights, arguments etc over trivial things. No jealousy.
Be fun. Have fun. Laugh and most imprtantly enjoy your time with her.
Just don't overdo it.
If you are having fuin when your with her chances are so is she. And why would she want something like that to end?
I've been seeing this girl for about 2 months. It all started with her asking me to go back to her place one night after a party, and we started dating. This past weekend I took her to NYC for a day trip and we ended up staying the night because we missed the last bus back home. Following certain "hints" she has given me, I also asked her to become official, although I didn't want to. Pretty dumb, but whatever. So fast forward to tonight, just a few days after our NYC date, and she says that we need to talk...
... uh oh.
Basically, she told me that she thinks we're moving too fast. She said that we've seen each other every single weekend for nearly 2 months now, and she wonders if I'm the type of guy who has a life outside of a girl, or am I dependent. She pointed out that I am too available. (Yupp, some of you are going to say "I TOLD YOU SO!!!!!")
At this point let me say a few things:
- being in a 6 year relationship prior to this has got me accustomed to seeing a girl often, and I recognized this potential downfall, which is why I made it a point to only see this new girl ONCE a week on the weekends. So in short, I thought I was doing the "less = more" thing just fine. I didn't call her more than once a week, and we talked online 2-3 times a week, with her intitiating the conversations.
- I don't have many friends by choice. I have 3 best friends that I hang out with, and maybe another 2-3 semi-best friends. I don't like to drink, and I don't like to party. I just go to work, go to the gym, and hang out with people (whoever it may be) on my weekends. During the week, I simply don't have any time to do anything but work, workout, eat, and sleep.
I thought I was doing fine. I mean hell, I thought she was the one rushing things. I made quite a few posts about this girl. I mean, here are some signs I interpretted as saying "lets get more serious":
- invited me back to her place the first night we hung out (we met 2 weeks earlier)
- got physical with me REAL QUICK... pretty much everything but sex
- asked me to hang out with her every weekend (dinner, dancing, going to a birthday party)
- wanting to take pictures of our dinner date to the Top of the Hub in Boston
- bought me a dvd of her favorite movie randomly
- told me that she "has a feeling that I'll be around for a while"
- the night we stayed in NYC, she looked at me intensely and told me to "ask her my question"
- told me to post all the pics we took in NYC on my Facebook profile (probably wanted me to show everyone that I was with her)
All of these signs pushed me towards asking her to be official... even though I was hesitant. I like dating, but I just got out of a relationship and don't want another one just yet.
So we had this talk, and I told her about all the signs I thought she was giving me and we hammered out our miscommunications. We agreed that we like each other and still want to see each other. However, she demands that I SHOW her that I am not always available and independent, not just tell her like I did tonight. Simple enough, but hard to do for a guy like me with 3 friends and a full-time job and bodybuilding hobby.
Seems like she's telling me point blank what to do... but I'm not so sure. Almost seems like she's saying "This is a warning for you...if you continue being a wuss, I'm gone".
Opinions? Advice? What the hell do I do now? I promise I'll listen to exactly what you guys say... is it too late? Damn it... I think I may have already messed up a good thing... I want to keep seeing her because I think this has got potential, so that when I'm finally ready for a relationship, this will be the girl who I am ready for.
I just don't get how what we've done so far has been "rushing things"... I really don't. I've just been going with whatever she wants...
Maybe I should just forget about this girl?
Pat, pat pat pat...
Go back and read all your threads. I tried to tell you this would happen. Didn't want to say I told you so but I have to.
6 years my friend. 6 freakin years you were with another girl and you jump straight out of it into another one. Of course it seems like you are dependent. YOU ARE!!
I don't know how many times it was impressed on you to take some time off from women all together. Learn about yourself. Find hapiness on your own. But no, you insisted on pursuing this women.
Give this thread a 5 star rating. This is what happens when people jump too fast into their next relationship. We see it all the time here.
Don't contact her now. Lwet her chase you and when she does, answer but say you are busy with the boys and will call her back.
Call her back a few days later.
Meet new frinds. Do new friends. She has told you not to be so available. So don't be. Find other things to do. Even if it is nothing, sometimes you can say NO to her.
She clearly likes you in some way. But she has really quickly found some faults in you.
I think you may not be as un clingy and independent as you think you are.
I have to admit in all your threads you always came across that way to me which is why I would have liked to have seen you take some more time to yourself after such a big relationship.
I only encouraged that because I am going through the same thing after 7 years and it is only now after about 7 months that I am begginning to like myself again. I think it is so crucial to have that time. I see it with friends of mine who jump from girl to gril. They never last.
Anyway, I think it is time to back right off and go real slow. No chasing at all. If she likes you like she says she will no how to contact you.
Good luck!
I will admit that being with this girl has given me some comfort... in the sense that everything is OK, and I can still find a girl even after my previous fall-out. It's an ego boost of sorts, or maybe an ego-repair... I don't know. But I know this is definitely the unhealthy aspect of my attraction to this new girl.
I don't like how I've been behaving. I spend a lot of money I shouldn't be spending every weekend, and I'm always tired during the week from not sleeping on Saturdays. My workouts are beginning to suffer, and I'm tired at work. I knew this couldn't go on any longer... I just wanted to ride the train for a bit longer because it made me feel... well, happier.
You know, the FUNNIEST thing is that the other girl I met... the one from the club, who I haven't spoken to in nearly 3 weeks contacted me last night and asked me if I could hang out with her this weekend... lol. From her perspective, I must have come off as busy and mysterious, since I didn't bother talking to her because I didn't care about her at all. She'd IM me and call me and I'd ignore it... lol... and just make small talk for like, 2 min once in a while because she'd IM me.
I know that I've got to treat this girl like I did with the girl from the club... just, not care! But how is my question... without making her think that I'm actively trying...
Any specific ideas?
Any more opinions?
Quote:
Originally Posted by PatBateman
I think you did just fine in my opinion. I think you just found yourself a real BIT*H.
But as you know, you will get many different opinions. See, if you only called me like once as month, I would never think that you had any interest in me. I see this advice for people on here all the time, but I disagree with a lot of it as I think it is only for people who do NOT want to get into a relationship. Yes, take it slow, call,email,etc... once or twice a week, visit once a week, or AT LEAST once every two weeks. So I think the way you did what you did was perfect. You will see a lot who disagree with this, but... they are not all alone and probably have different wants/ needs in their life.
So sorry to hear about this. But you will find what you are looking for... mainly when you are NOT looking for it.
From what I have gathered about you... you value friendship, take card of yourself, you care about your job, you don't drink or do drugs, you care about what girls think... YOU ARE A CATCH! You deserve to find someone who likes you for you & wants to spend every weekend together & appreciates that you express your feelings. When you meet the right person - she will think everything about you is either charming, handsome or sweet. So, if I were you - I wouldn't answer her calls for a week or two. If she tries to make contact after the two weeks & you still have feelings for her - you could give it another chance. But I think maybe you just need a little time for yourself since you just got out of a long term relationship.
And one more thing that I noticed was that you said your relationship started when she asked you to go back to her place after a party. So - maybe you should take a step back & think about if she is really the type of person you want to have a relationship with. (I am not judging her because everyone has skeletons in their closet (believe me I have my own:)) - but she may not be at a point in her life to appreciate what great of guy you are.
May God help guide you to make the right decision that makes you happy!
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