I knew going in that if I were to get her, it will take time and patience. So none of this should come as a surprise to me. She had a boyfriend and even if she were to break up, I would have to wait a while, to avoid being her rebound.

Maybe from that line ("stop wasting time on her") means that the road ahead of me is a dead end. But she literally just broke up with her boyfriend for less than two weeks when she told me that. We can't expect her to jump into a relationship with me.

Thanks for all the responses. I do appreciate the fact that everyone wants me to get her over quicker so that I can move on quicker. Like I said, my brain understands what you are saying, but my heart is telling me the opposite.

Giving up on her is the easy way out. None of the successes in my life have come easy, so I still believe.

We get that a lot, and I can understand your feelings. You are not alone, as we all have been through the same thing, many of us a few times, LOL.

All we say is, cope with your feelings in a positive way, and make good decisions for yourself based on fact, and not just feelings, and that's what No Contact does for you, along with staying busy, and being good to yourself.

Believe it or not, after the healing process, most people here don't want the ex back, because they have found happiness with the way things have turned out, and can see the options and opportunities that life has for us.

I am confident, so shall you.

You've made the unfortunate mistake of 'getting her' as a goal in your life. Now mind you, I've been there before and I've made the same mistake - so when I come to you in this manner I may seem harsh but its not out of disrespect for you. Things will NEVER turn out the way you want if you make 'getting someone' a goal in your life. You should be living a happy, stable, and fufilling life without anyone - first and foremost. If someone comes along that is wonderful and fantastic person and ADDS VALUE to your already existing life, then that's all the better.

is true that successes in life often do not come easy - but you have to have realistic and attainable goals to begin with. If you want to be the CEO of a major corporation its not impossible but it takes a lot of work. Goals like these are attainable and you actually have a chance to succeed at them.

Is giving up truly the easy way out? I believe the answer to that question is irrevalent - instead you should be asking if that is the correct question or not. Is a relationship with a specific person a 'success'? I would have to answer no - but it can be a blessing. There's a clear distinction between things that can benefit your life and things you can succeed at.

UnluckyDucky, I appreciate you being so direct. Some people are more harsh, some people are less harsh. But it's good to have diversity so that we can see all point of views.

I'm just not ready to give up on her and I know that I will regret it if I don't try again. I am aware that we might never end up together, but I'm not prepared to live with such a regret.

To me, the pain of rejection is less than the pain of regret.

My question to you is if you really truly feel this way, are you prepared to take the steps necessary to even have a chance at her?

If so, my advice to you is to do the following:

* Make yourself the #1 priority in your life.

* Develop a healthy and attractive lifestyle. Go to the gym. Work out. Get yourself some dandy new clothes.

* Go out and explore life. Find new hobbies and interests. This well help you find out what you really want in life and in a potential mate.

Maybe you're not ready to let go of her completely yet. That's fine, your heart is still feeling the emotions. But if you take these steps I've mentioned and say if she does come around to you, you'll be even more interesting to her and have a good life going for you regardless of the outcome. Can you honestly say you have anything to lose by doing these steps? :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by I wish

Giving up on her is the easy way out.

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Actually it's the opposite , by not giving up on her your just taking the easy way out.

Giving up on her now is harder because then you have to start dealing with the pain straight away , your just delaying the process.

I think we have a different definition of giving up. By giving up, all I have to do is stop talking to her and turn my attention to other things. There are plenty of other things I would rather do than feel this kind of pain, so it won't be too hard to get over it.

I might sound like a robot, but I'm only going to give up with her when I feel like I have no more hope. If there's no hope, then there's no pain.

But I choose to keep the hope alive. It's looking bleak right now and I have to do the NC thing. Because of NC, I can't talk to her nor matter how badly I want to. So I have to learn patience. Just learning patience can be dreadful. Do I really need to list all the things that are causing me pain?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by I wish

Do I really need to list all the things that are causing me pain?

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Wouldn't hurt!!

1) Don't get to talk to her nor matter how much I want. Not only do I like her, but she was a good friend and we confided in each other a lot (minus her boyfriend stuff). So it feels like I lost a friend.

2) Since I'm doing the NC, nor matter how hard I resist, I will want to read her old emails or think about our past conversations thinking about what I did wrong, instead of focusing what I should do next.

3) Reflecting on the past in this situation is painful since we never dated, so we don't even have any happy memories. So what's left? Friendly moments and painful moments? I can't help but remember all those moments where I wanted to take a step closer to her but I couldn't because of her boyfriend.

3) It kind of kills me that she dated an idiot and I never got my chance.

4) There's so much I wanted to do to court her, but I didn't even do any of it because she has a boyfriend. So there's so much unfinished business, which will lead to regrets in the future. I'm not sure about other people, but regret is one of the most painful things for me.

5) I have no idea how long it will take before I can make my next move, so every day feels like an eternity.

6) My days are going fine until I see things that reminds me of her and it reminds me of the pain.

As for "giving up," I would give up because none of these things on the list bothers me anymore = no pain.

UPDATE:

I finally broke the no contact rule April 5, cause I felt ready to talk to her again. I was ready to accept that she will only see me as a friend and I wanted to rebuild the friendship.

Initially, I wanted to call to wish her good luck on her exams and keep the conversation short. When she picked up, she actually sounded happy to hear from me, which caught me off guard. I was expecting the call to go to voicemail and I would leave a short message. The conversation ended with her telling me how she's stressed been cause she still can't find a co-op and she's overloaded with school work. So I told her to send me her CV so that I can help her out and that I'll talk to her after her exams, which is the end of April.

One of my friends might be able to help me out, so I had to call her again the same night to confirm which job she applied for. Then, I went to sleep and when I woke up this morning, I saw that she left me a message asking me if she could send her terms papers for me to correct.

I am so confused. I'm guessing that I should not read too much into all this and see it as it is. I've offered to help her out with her co-op job a few months ago and she said she'll take my offer when she gets desperate. And it's not the first time that I will correct her papers.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by I wish

UPDATE:


I am so confused. I'm guessing that I should not read too much into all this and see it as it is. I've offered to help her out with her co-op job a few months ago and she said she'll take my offer when she gets desperate. And it's not the first time that I will correct her papers.

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This is EXACTLY why you aren't ready to be friends with her... you have just completely gone against every piece of advice we have offered. You are living in a dream world if you think you can just be her friend!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kctiger

This is EXACTLY why you aren't ready to be friends with her...you have just completely gone against every piece of advice we have offered. You are living in a dream world if you think you can just be her friend!

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I have accepted that nothing more than friendship can happen between us. But at the same time, I wasn't even expecting her to be able to be a regular friend. I thought that she would just ignore my call and that I would leave a voicemail.

Are you saying that we can never ever be friends?

I'm confused because she picked up. Does this mean she's ready to put my feelings behind us and move forward as being regular friends?

What advice did not I follow? Wasn't I suppose to accept that she rejected me and move on?

There is no point in being her friend... NONE! Especially when everything she does throws you for a loop. We have told you to not be friends with her until you are over it... you aren't over it, at all. Until you can talk to her without over analyzing ever single thing she does, you shouldn't try and be her friend. It is like trying to play mind games with your heart.

Hi I wish,

I know exactly what you are going through, but KC is correct. (I had to spread the rep!).

I went through something very similar with an ex boyfriend. I wanted so badly to be 'friends' with him again, and extended myself as you are doing (by offering to help check her papers, etc). On the surface I was trying to be altruistic but really I wanted to have the door open again and in a way expected him to hear my voice, see my kindness, and come back to me; reconsider. But that didn't happen. My point being is as much as it hurts, you must for your own good and happiness, let her go. I know it is a cliche' but time will heal you. When you get the urge to reach out to her, come here and talk with us instead.

You're right about how I'm over-analysing her actions. I was caught off guard, cause some girls can't stay friends with guys and I was expecting her to be the same.

But, I've been leading a different type of life. Many of my close girl friends are girls that I used to have feelings for. I let them know but they didn't feel the same way. Because the tension is gone, we definitely have a stronger friendship.

As for leaving the door open. Like I said, I've already accepted that she doesn't like me more than a friend so I'm not expecting anything more than a friendship. I wouldn't throw away a friendship just because the person doesn't feel the same way about me. You have to respect your friends, not hold it against them and stop yourself from being their friend.

I agree, nobody wants to throw away a friendship. But, she is making you analyze things again, which doesn't benefit you at all. I think you should at least give it more time (for you to heal more) and then possibly have a friendship down the road. But now, it is too soon.

Time will tell whether your ready, or not! Let us know.

Wow, I just re-read all the posts from beginning to end. I feel like I'm in a better position to understand what you guys said to be earlier. I just wanted to say that I'm glad that I posted my problem. I want to thank everyone who helped me out.

I admit, I was not able to fully follow all the advices early on. I was definitely suffering, but it was a necessary process for me to heal.

Now, I find myself giving the same advice to other people as you did for me. Funny how things turned out.

As for an update on my situation. I called her last weekend to wish her good luck on her exams. I was expecting the call to go to voicemail and just leave a short message. But she actually picked up and seemed pretty happy to hear from me. She did most of the talking, telling me that she still hasn't found a co-op job yet and that she's really stressed with school. I offered to help her find a job, so I'm looking but it's tough in this economy. She also sent me her essay so that I can help her correct (I've corrected her essays before, so nothing new).

Anyway, all this to say, I'm glad that I can talk to her normally again. Like you all said, she knows how I feel, if she wanted something to happen, she will let me know. But I'm not going to wait around for her anymore.

I know it sounds like I healed pretty fast, but remember we never dated, so there's no history between us.

But feel free to continue the harshness, cause it works!

She can be your friend.

Find someone else for a relationship.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ash123

She can be your friend.

Find someone else for a relationship.

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I think so too. Two weeks ago, we spoke on the phone for a few minutes and she seemed fine. I texted her a few days later to wish her good luck on her exams and replied in 2 minutes to thank me. Then last Friday, I wanted to confied in her, so I called (she has call display) and texted her, but I haven't receive any response and it's already Monday. She might be busy, but she could have at least had the courtesy to tell me she's busy, right?

I feel like she only responds when she feels like it. I want to move on from her, everything feels so pointless with her now. I already blocked her on IM. I'm thinking of blocking her on Facebook, even though we don't use that to communicate, but does it look too suspicious? It will look like I don't even want to be friends with her, but I have no choice if I want to move on right?

If she calls or emails, I won't respond.

That is the best thing for to do, move on. You can't force a friendship.

You give such great advice to others and I can't believe you broke no contact, to rekindle a dead flame under the guise of friendship. She doesn't want that from you, so take the hint.

Your contact has escalated every time she responds.

Do we have to make you stand in the corner??

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You give such great advice to others and I can't believe you broke no contact, to rekindle a dead flame under the guise of friendship. She doesn't want that from you, so take the hint.

Your contact has escalated every time she responds.

Do we have to make you stand in the corner????

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I don't understand why it's easier to give people advice than to take it myself.

I broke the rules, so I do have to stand in the corner. You don't need to drag me, I'll walk over there myself.

Edit: Done, blocked and deleted from Facebook.

UPDATE:

We used to email 3-4 times a week and talk on the phone once at week, but in the last 2-3 months, we've stopped. I know I broke the no contact a few times, but I was not fully committed to it before.

I haven't broken the no contact for the last 2 weeks, but all this time has been making me wonder if it's too extreme. Most of my friends think it's a bit overboard. They think that I should have just left her on my contact lists and just not contact her.

Doesn't no contact apply for people who broke up?

If she only sees me as a friend, she's going to be very confused. I know that she's in her exam period, so I have this false sense of hope that she will try to find me after her exams. But her only way to contact me is by phone. I even put her email on my ban list.

Can someone please re-explain and confirm that I'm doing the right thing by blocking her out? I still feel the pain...

You're doing the right thing... trust me!!

Hi I wish,

You are doing the right thing, hon. You don't need any more pain and suffering that is why you are doing the NC rule. If you continue to keep her as a friend on Facebook, etc you will always be tempted to reach out to her, see what she is doing, etc. Why torture yourself? You are a good guy capable of love, so now, you need to heal yourself, so you can be all ready for your next relationship with someone.

Thanks kctiger and starlite1!

I just wish that the pain can go away. During my first few tries of no contact, I felt like I wasn't making any progress in the recovery. On the contrary, I felt like the condition got worse with no end in sight. I had this false hope that she would contact me after her exams. So I had that date set in my mind (which is the end of the week).

I gave up the no contact the previous times because I wanted to try the reverse. Maybe contacting her would make me have a worse impression of her. In the end, I think it worked out, because I do have a worse impression of her. Now I don't even want to wait the last few days out, which is how I was able to block her out of all Facebook, IM and e-mail.

The pain hasn't gone down at all in the last few months, it's only gone up. But I can say this, I feel like I've suffered so much that even if she liked me back now, I would hesistate. Could hesitation be the first sign of recovery?

Edit: I just wanted to mention that my friends think I've given up on her too easily. They think that I should wait it out and then try to contact her when she's done her exams. They think that I should follow my heart and not my brain. That I'm being too extreme by blocking her out and that she will be so confused with my behavior. When I'm arguing with my friends that I'm doing the right thing, I find myself unconsciouly referring to the advice that you guys (in this forum) gave me. I starting to believe that you guys are giving me the more objective advice, because it seems fairly unanimous.

Absolutely! The fact that you would hesitate is a great sign of healing and moving on! Good for you, I wish.

As far as your friends, you are not being too extreme at all. It is not them dealing with the breakup, you are, and you need to do what is right for you. Believe me, I'm sure your friends are great, but because of experience from us here, you are doing the right thing with NC. You are doing it for yourself to get better, not for your friends.

Remember, I never dated her. She had a boyfriend and she broke up with him. I was waiting on the sidelines all this time for the right moment to make a move. I did tell her how I felt twice, but one of the times she was still with her boyfriend and the other time she just broke up for about a week (refer to past posts). So I really felt like I never had my chance, which is everyone's argument. They say, I've waited so long for her to break up and I was suppose to wait for her to finish her exams and recover from her breakup before making a move. So it looks like I'm giving up before even getting started. And that telling her how I feel is not making a move.

I keep telling myself that if she's interested, she will find me and that I don't need to make anymore moves. As for the no contact, it's so that I can move on. I lost a bit of patience with her and I don't want to wait anymore.

Quote:

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I keep telling myself that if she's interested, she will find me and that I don't need to make anymore moves. As for the no contact, it's so that I can move on. I lost a bit of patience with her and I don't want to wait anymore.

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Don't wait around anymore. You need to focus on yourself and not on her anymore. If she is interested in you, let her make the contact, not you. You have waited long enough. It isn't fair to you, hon.

Waiting around all this time doesn't make sense. You have to realize, and I think you do that, you could have been doing a lot of things for yourself, and had some good clean fun, and explored so many options, and opportunities, that are right in front of you, had you the clear eyes, and attitude to do so. Do so now.

Sorry I can't sugar coat this, but after almost 3 months, there should be some progress being made, and some good orderly directions, being attempted. While I understand how hard it can be, one thing is obvious, your holding back your own healing.

Consider this a cyber slap, just to move you along. Especially given the good advice you have given others.

I Wish, just move on and don't play the sidelines for anyone. Your only cheating yourself out of finding happiness. Time to close this chapter of your life and start a new one.

I wish keep on NCing it will get easier. I don't know if I'm right or wrong but I think its easier to let go of something you never had in the first place. Don't break NC anymore, don't wait anymore, go out more, be around people more, start laughing again and having a good time with friends and family and use your time productively instead of thinking of her.

Thanks guys! I really like the unanimous advice I'm getting. It makes it easier to follow the advice because so many people are in agreement.

Progress update:

I'm still on the NC. I've been doing all the suggestions. I've been super busy, meeting new people, reconnecting with old friends, etc.

But yesterday, I got 3 calls from her area code and I thought it was her (because we use phone cards to call each other, so there's no way to know who's calling). Of course I didn't pick up. In the end, it was one of my friends was using her workphone to call me.

But now the incident got me thinking about the girl again. I feel like I haven't recovered at all. The only thing good is that the longer I stick to no contact, the longer she doesn't contact me, the more I realize that she's not interested. So nor matter how I feel about her, it won't matter. But I wish there was a way to speed up the healing... cause it's starting to feel like every new girl I meet, that I might be interested in, is going to be a rebound.

This NC stuff is so much easier said than done.

You're doing great I Wish! Keep up the NC and stay strong. There will always be times you will think of her and feel down. Its perfectly normal to get sad sometimes. Speeding up the healing process isn't the best way to heal though, it might actually prevent you from being completely healed. What I mean is take all the time in the world you need to heal.

Hope you feel better! We ll always be here for you!!

- none12345

I agree with you you are a friend to her leave it that way don't push yo may lose a friendship

How have you been doing these days? Wutcha been up to lately? Haven't heard anything from this thread for a while lolz

Update:

I just got mass a text message from her. She said that she got a new number and it looks like she's going away for some time because she said "see you all next year." Then she tells everyone to check our emails. But as you know, I blocked her from my email list, so I won't get her email.

So... summary: she has a new number. She's going away for until next year.

I'm extremely tempted to call her or unblock her from my email list to see if I can get her email. But I know I shouldn't. HHHHHHEEEEELLLLPPP... the temptation is killing me.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by I wish

Update:

I just got mass a text message from her. She said that she got a new number and it looks like she's going away for some time because she said "see you all next year." Then she tells everyone to check our emails. But as you know, I blocked her from my email list, so I won't get her email.

So... summary: she has a new number. She's going away for until next year.

I'm extremely tempted to call her or unblock her from my email list to see if I can get her email. But I know I shouldn't. Help............... the temptation is killing me.

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Actually this is a perfect opportunity to forget her for good if that is what you want.