 |
My family has been bugging me to introduce C to them. I've also been dying to introduce him to them as well, but it has just been so hard, as my apartment is so small that it would be cramped for everyone. However, my brother and sister-in-law just bought a new place in the city and they want us all to come out this Saturday. I'll let you know how everything goes. I'm excited and not too worried about it.
Anybody else notice how Mom's post are getting shorter and shorter?? Like she is to busy for us anymore??
Much Luck though!
LOL Kind of like my 21-year-old son.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Hey!! No fair!! I kind of see your point though. I have not been logging on as much lately, but it is not because I have been too busy. Yes, I am busy, but I felt like some of you would get bored with the mundane, especially since I have overcome so many hurdles (mostly self inflicted). By the way, I would not have overcome some of those hurdles if it was not for all of the support and advice that I have I received from all of you on this site.
Things have been going so smoothly between C and me, and my anxiety has lessened so much, that even the things that may have bothered me before or that I would have questioned before have decreased immensely. Again, thanks to all of you in providing me with different perspectives in order to relax and live life.
C came over last night and we went out to dinner. My knee still hurts from time to time, especially when I have walked on it a lot. I just get so bored with being cooped up in my place that when he asked if I wanted to go somewhere and get something to eat, I almost leaped in the air for joy. The knee got stiff in the restaurant because we were sitting there for awhile and I had to actually warm it up before leaving the table. He was so gentle and kind about it and even offered to carry me out of the restaurant if I wanted him to. That is the difference between him and my ex. I am sure that my ex would have mentioned something to the effect of being a drama queen about it and to just walk through the pain.
While driving back to my place, he mentioned to me that his ex called him about an another issue, but then the subject turned to me. I guess she has been questioning their kids about me and she admitted that she went online to try and find any info on me. Of course there was nothing on me. However, she did claim that there were some things about my ex that she felt he should know about. I won't go into specifics of what those things are because it would be too long, but some of the things were true, while others were not. However, C told his ex that he could care less about any of the info that she told him and that she needed to get over him and to stop researching me and to leave me alone. He is a little scared that she will try (and be successful) in finding out where I live, etc. Part of me would love for her to do this so that if she comes up to my property, I can really give her a piece of my mind and to show her that she does not scare me, while another part of me just wants to be left alone.
We have finally set a date for my brother and sister to meet my boyfriend. September 27th. It has been so hard to get a date that works with everyone, as all of our schedules could not match up throughout the summer. I think he is a little nervous about it, because he asked me last night who all was going to be there. I just told him that the only people that are not going to be there would be my older brother (and his family), who lives in Atlanta, and my mom, who lives in Florida. But I told him that my brother would be coming in for Christmas and that he wanted to meet him then. I will be sure to let all of you know how everything goes on that day.
That is about it. Again, I just thought that the kind of mundane would be boring for all of you. But then again, the mundane is life. No one can possibly have excitement all of the time. Also, isn't it a good thing that my posts are not so long or anxiety ridden? That's improvement, right?
Long as we know things are well, we are happy. You do sound so like your enjoying yourself. Hope it gets even better. Take care of the knee.
I just wanted to also let you know that there are still times when I feel that I am overanalyzing and falling into my old thinking. However, because of the advice that I have received from this site - and the fact that I am really getting to know C - I know that a lot of the thoughts that may come to my mind are only that: THOUGHTS ARE NOT REALITY. And when I say thoughts, it is "What is he thinking?", "Does he think I'm wierd because I said that?", - Most of it are things that I won't know the answer to unless I ask him what he is thinking, etc. Also, if he were getting tired of me/thinking that I am weird, etc. then he wouldn't be calling me every night, being with me every weekend or making plans to do things farther into the future. He mentioned wanting to take a cruise next year with his brother and his brother's fiancé. I hope that this actually occurs, as the past two trips that he said that we would go on never came to be because of things that came up. I can't help but kind of lose faith on whether we are going to be going or not or if they are just words to see what I would say. I intend on bringing up the subject again, as that is the only way to know for sure what is going on in his mind.
Although I have overcome a lot of hurdles, i.e. meeting eachother's kids, family, etc. there is still one more that I have to overcome. C and I have been together for 9 months now. I know that the both of us have very strong feelings for each other. I know that this is a serious relationship, otherwise we would not be introducing each other to our kids and family members. However, we have not said those three words to each other. I have come close to saying it to him, but find myself hesitating and putting it off. I think he may be feeling the same way. I wanted to say it to him last night when he was over, but got scared. I know that he is going to be calling me tonight and I feel such an urge to say something to him over the phone, but then again I don't want to say it over the phone. Maybe it is me trying to make the moment perfect and I have to stop doing that. Maybe it is because I told my ex that I loved him, but it didn't work out. Maybe C is scared as well. I have noticed that C has been doing a lot of what I call copy cat behavior, i.e. ordering the same thing I do, picking up and using phrases that I use all of the time, etc. Maybe he is waiting for me to say it. I don't know!! Any thoughts? Any advice? I strongly believe that I am in love with him.
It will flow naturally, and you'll be sure you mean it. Don't let that stop the fun though. Copy catting each other is cute, and you know your meant for each other when you start looking alike as well as acting alike. That should be fun too!
C went on a fishing trip with his brother this weekend and I miss him sooo much. He called me twice yesterday and told me right away that he missed me, and of course I told him that I missed him too. I'm excited for next weekend when he will finally meet my brother, sister and their spouses.
This weekend, since I have been by myself a lot, I have really been thinking about things. Probably over thinking. As you all know, I have been contemplating for quite a while on whether to tell him that I love him. I know in the beginning these feelings were lust and the fact that I had not been with someone since I was divorced and it was just so nice to be with someone. However, we have really gotten to know each other, have gotten really close, have been talking about making plans in the future (vacations, dreams, wants, desires) and we confide in each other about everything, ask each other for advice, etc. I now know that I do love him and I think that he is either starting to feel that same way or he already does. He gave me a card that said that I make him very happy and that he is so glad that we met. I have given him cards that have expressed that he has become such an important part of my life and that I have strong feelings for him. Yes, I have talked to him about these feelings that are expressed in those cards, but he is not a real big "feelings" talking person - he is a guy after all and women usually have the monopoly on the "feelings" talks. We will be together for 10 months next week so I am pretty confident that what I am thinking and feeling is definitely love. My hangup is that I am afraid that if I tell him that I love him that it will scare him in some way. Because of my knee, we have not been intimate for quite a while, but even so, his calls have increased, he makes plans to see me, etc. He has been so caring and we have so much fun together. Because of all of this, I know that I am not just caught up in the "moment" and since my accident, my feelings have actually increased. The last time that we were together, I had such a strong feeling to say it when he walked into my door and throughout the rest of the evening. I just froze because I was afraid that it would scare him.
I am also scared because it has been so long since I gave my heart to someone else (other than my kids). I know because I was rejected in my marriage (I was cheated on) and I just don't want to be rejected again. I have "practiced" what I want to say to C and it flows so easily when I do this. Why then am I so scared? My girlfriend (the one who is dating his brother) confirms with me all the time that I should say it because she strongly believes that he loves me but that he is chicken to say it first. Any advice? I know, I have gotten advice that it will happen freely and automatically if it is true love. How can I get totally over my fear of rejection so that I can say what I truly feel?
And why is it that I can give good advice to other people (I have been told that I do) but I have such difficulty sometimes trying to figure it out for myself?
Hi Mom, you already know how I feel, and that people owe it to themselves to be patient, and realistic, when dealing with intense feelings. For one thing after ONLY 10 months, I just think its far to early for those long terms thinking.
Just me, but I'm sure you have read where people may feel strongly about their partners, and assume the partners do to. Words don't hardly take the place of actions, and it would be quite telling if we could read the minds of our partners to know how they feel.
Your wise to go slow, and be cautious, in my view, as those strong feelings often make us push, and want things now, instead of letting things develop at their own pace. Take a breath, relax, as there is no hurry, and stay in control of yourself.
Don't worry about the future so much, as having fun getting to know each other, even better and bonding, and establishing those oh so important communications.
Thats what I would be doing while he relaxes himself, and opens up, so you'll know what he wants.
There is absolutely NO hurry!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is there???
Talaniman - yes, I already know how you feel on this subject. Why is it that I just have an overpowering feeling of wanting to say it? I am willing to take it slow because I know that this relationship is worth it. Why am I so hung up on those words? Either way, I will still feel the same way that I do about him, whether I utter those words. I will take your advice and remain patient. If I feel that I love him now, then I will still love him in another few months, and another few months after that, and so on and so on. Thanks again for the advice. As always, it is always good. It's great to get a man's perspective on it, as us women have a tendency to feel and think too much!!
I will remain patient while we continue to get to know each other even better. Like I said, I will be introducing him to my brother and sister and their significant others this Saturday. C was asking me questions about what he should wear, etc. and what they are like. So... I know that he is nervous. I just told him that my family is so laid back that they just want other people to feel comfortable, so whatever is fine. I think he is more nervous about the fact that he will be driving me and my kids there. He asked me about whether I thought my ex would make a big deal that he would be driving while my kids were in the car. I never thought that would matter, but then again, my ex is a control freak (hence one of the reasons that I am anxious about a lot of things and want everything planned out, that was how my life had to be for so long.) I told him that he was a wonderful driver and that I felt totally safe with him and that my children would be safe as well. I further told him that just like I don't have any control over what my ex plans with the kids when they are with him, he does not have control over what I have planned with them when they are with me. I told the kids that C would be picking us up on Saturday and that he would be going with us to their aunt and uncle's. They are so excited about it and think that it is "cool" that he will be with us. They have been asking me every single weekend since they met him when they would be able to see him again.
All in all, things continue to go well. I think that I need to calm down just a bit and start to live in the moment more. Yes, I am afraid that this good thing will end and that is why I want (sometimes really need) to know exactly how he is feeling and where exactly we are heading. I have to stop listening to what other people (my friends - not necessarily on this site) are telling me, i.e. "If I were you, I would just tell him that you love him," "Being apart from my bf like you have to do would drive me crazy". I have to live with the fact that I know that we care about each other and we have to do what we have to do for our situation ESPECIALLY when kids are involved. Would I put up with this if there were no kids - probably not. That is what makes dating a man who has kids, as well as the fact that I have kids myself, so difficult. That is why I posted this thread to begin with. It is my hope that as I gain advice and perspective from other people that this will also help someone else who is in a similar situation.
Relax and have fun. When it stops being fun, its time to go.
You really think so? Is that all there is to love?Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Till the long term commitment, YES!
An update... I introduced C to my brother and his wife and my sister and her husband this past Saturday. It went REALLY well. My family loved him!! But then again, I really did not have any doubt about that.
The next morning, C called me to see if any of my family had called me yet. When I asked why, he said that he was just interested to see if they said anything to me about him. I told him that at that time no one called me, but that I KNEW that they all liked him and not to worry about it. I got a call from my sister today and was not surprised to hear that they were very impressed with him and that they were happy that he was in my life.
C was also great with my kids. They really like him and seemed to really warm up to him. Usually, my daughter is not talkative around people she does not feel comfortable around, but she was a regular chatter box that day. When C dropped us off at my place, my son asked where C was going. When I told him that he had to go home, my son had a concerned and almost sad look on his face and just said, "Oh. Okay." My kids then went upstairs and C and I went outside to say our goodbyes. When I said good night to my kids after C left, my son asked why C was not spending the night. This totally shocked me, as it is WAY too soon for us to be doing that. I just told him that we were not comfortable with that yet. He asked me when it would happen and I just told him that I needed to make sure that C would be in our life for a looooong time before I would even consider that. I asked him why he wanted him to spend the night and he told me that he thought it would be cool to have him around more. The next morning at breakfast, he brought up the subject again and I told him that this was an adult subject and not something that a child should even think about. My daughter asked me if C was going to spend the night and kind of had a worried look on her face, which did not surprise me at all. In fact that was what I had expected from my son the night before. I just told her that I was not planning on that happening any time soon and that I wanted to make sure that C was going to be a long term thing in our lives before that would happen. She relaxed a bit. Don't get me wrong, I would love to fast forward things sometimes, but not at the expense of my kids. I still have a problem with the thought of holding hands with C around my kids much less anything else. I am just so happy that C has the same viewpoint on this that I do.
Waiting, and fighting the urge to move ahead to fast, is a good sign. I'm glad your letting it flow, and not trying to push to fast, by impulsive actions.
But I'm not surprised, as you have proven to be thoughtful, and patient, considering the feelings you have. You done good for yourself... and your kids.
Just enjoy this time, when things are going well.
Sometimes the urge to move faster feels almost unbearable. However, I always force myself to think of the kids first and foremost. The tricky part now is that my kids are asking to see more of C and they definitely want to meet his kids. My kids are growing more and more comfortable with him and they are asking to see more and more of him. Again, I see the importance of going slow, not force the issue and let the situation present itself as C feels more comfortable about doing this. Part of me wants to broach the subject of "What are your thoughts of our kids meeting", but part of me does not want to rush it either and disrupt what we have so far.
Sometimes I feel that we are getting stagnant because we seem to do the same things over and over when we are together (i.e. rent movies and stay at home, maybe go to a movie at a theater, order pizza in) and we have to sometimes wait so long to see each other. Yes, we do talk every day, but I would love to be able to see him more. Lately, because we have been doing a lot of introducing our friends and family to each other, we really have not been able to spend a lot of alone time together. Also, because of my knee, he feels a little scared about hurting me in anyway. (By the way, my knee has been improving by leaps and bounds. Hopefully, I will be able to get back to work in a couple of weeks.) Don't get me wrong, I am having A LOT of fun with him when we are with family and friends, but sometimes when he and I look at each other from across the room or give sideways glances when we are sitting next to each other, I feel so like I want to grab his hand and hideaway with him alone in the corner. Every time I look at him, I just smile and feel warm all over.
Am I normal in feeling this way? Am I being selfish in wanting to see more of him?
Anticipation is half the fun. Enjoy!Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom of 2
Absolutely!! Because we have so many things in common and can so easily talk to one another about anything, it feels like we have been together for a LOT longer than just 10 months. I have to constantly remind myself that it has only been that long. Every single time I turn around, I find out something else that we have in common and that we think about things in the same way. I sometimes feel like we are becoming one another. There was even a point on Saturday where we completed each other's sentences a couple of times. My brother was actually the one who caught that and said, "Do you always do that?" I don't even think that we were aware that we did that because I had to ask him what he meant, and that is when he said that we both completed each other's sentences at least twice and we both laughed about it.
Anyway, I am having a lot of fun, but I miss him terribly when we are not together. Don't worry, I can still function without him, but I can't wait for his phone call at night. Hearing his voice is the next best thing to being with him. If he forgets to call, which is not very often, I don't feel worried like I used to (remember Talaniman?), but I just miss him. Again, I just wish that I could see more of him.
I was able to spend some time with C on Saturday. He invited me to his house for the afternoon/evening. He cooked out on the grill and we had dinner together with his son. His daughter was getting ready for her Homecoming dance and he was able to take pictures of her before she left. I made sure that I was no where around for these pictures, as this was something that he and his daughter should have on their own without me hanging around. Sure, if we were together for several years, I would think differently about it. I just don't want his daughter to resent me in any way or think that I am trying to replace her mom, who happened to be out of town and could not be there for this special event.
I was also able to be with him on Sunday for his son's birthday party. Although we kissed hello and goodbye in front of his kids and he and I did not seem to feel nervous about that, it was not like we could really spend a lot of time together. No, I did not expect that we would be able to spend alone time together, as that was not the purpose of the get together. I am just very happy that he wanted me to be a part of it and that I was able to be there. His son was surprised to see that I had brought something for him and actually brought the card over to his dad to show him, "Dad, look what K**** got me".
For those of you who do not know, my boyfriend has custody of his kids and has them almost everyday. This has been frustrating in the past because if his ex did not follow through with her designated weekends, our plans would often have to change, which would mean that we were not able to see each other. However, it seems like things are starting to change and he is having me come around more when his kids are there. I still need to remind myself that I have to remain patient and that he is doing his best to see me as often as he can. The next step is to have my kids meet his kids. I'm nervous about that because I don't want to force any of them on each other just because their parents are dating each other. What happens if the kids don't like each other? Will this spell an end to our relationship? I know, no one has an answer to that question. This is just a thought that keeps entering in my mind.
Yeah, I know, I am worrying about the things that I don't have control over at this time. I just wish that I could see him more. I miss him so much sometimes. I am so jealous of my friends who are able to see their boyfriends more than I can see mine. Then again, I feel proud of myself that I am able to function by myself without him being there. My friends often ask me how I can stand not being able to be with him and I just tell them that at least for now, because of the extenuating circumstances, this is how it has to be until our relationship is more defined, especially as it relates to the kids.
Sometimes I feel frustrated about staying patient. I don't think that I am needy, but sometimes I think that I am because I want to see him more. Then again, I have to remind myself that there is nothing wrong with me wanting to see him more because we really have not been able to see each other and be totally alone together since August. The last time that we were totally alone was at the end of August. We have seen each other since then, but it is usually with his family or his children and we have not been by ourselves. Hey, I will take that because I like his family, but I just want to be able to snuggle up to him, and I can't do that with his family/kids around.
JUST AN UPDATE. It has been a while since I posted on this. Things continue to go well between C and me. Because of my knee injury and the fact that I was not able to return to my restaurant job until I got a work release, we were starting to be able to see each other at least once a week (remember, between our schedules, the distance that we live from each other, etc. makes it difficult). But, an effort is definitely being made, which is priceless. I can't believe that in just 3 weeks it will be a year that we have been together. Sometimes it feels like time is going so slowly, while at other times, I can't get past how fast it goes.
C had to go to Mexico for his job at the last minute on Tuesday night. He called me while he was enroute to the company jet at the municipal airport near where I live. I made a sarcastic comment of, "Well, you could have stopped by to say hi/bye to me!!" He kind of laughed and said that he should have thought of that. I just mentioned that if the situation presents itself again, that it would be great if he could. Well, he was supposed to be there until Thursday night, but for some reason, he came back last night. He called me as soon as he landed to ask me what I was up to. When I told him that I was finishing up on homework with my kids and then getting them to bed, he said, "Oh, I was thinking about coming by, but sounds like it would not be good for you, we'll just have to wait for the weekend." I was a little sad, but at least he was thinking about it. See, I have a real goofy visitation schedule with the ex, so it is hard for other people to remember when I have my kids and when I don't. It involves a lot of flip flopping of days (every other Tuesday, every other Thursday, etc). Anyway, it still would have been nice for him to be able to stop by. Maybe I should have said for him to come over anyway, just to see each other for a few minutes. Oh, those darn should have, could have, wouldas!! Next time (if the situation should present itself again) I will do just that. I mean, the municipal airport is only 5 minutes from my place.
Oh well. We have tentative plans for him to come over on Saturday. With me FINALLY being able to go back to work tomorrow, (YEAH, I got my work release from the doctor last week) it will be going back to possibly every other weekend of being able to see each other. Part of me is fine with that, while part of me finds it so hard. It's not that I NEED to see him, but I just love being with him. Thank goodness that we talk every day, otherwise, I would just be going batty. Part of the reason for this is that we have yet to have our kids meet each other. I continue to be very hesitant on this because of the what ifs that are going through my mind. "What if his son doesn't like my son" etc. etc. The personalities of our kids are so diverse, that this is a possibility. I am resigned to just let it happen when it is going to happen. One of the good things is that my kids are TOTALLY open and really want to meet his kids, but I don't want to force the issue. Like I said, it will happen when it will happen.
Again, I am trying to stay patient. I know that we care for each other VERY much. I remind myself daily that I have to live in the moment. I am very pleased that there are no trust/jealousy issues in this relationship. If there were, then most likely this relationship would have ended a long time ago.
So for the moment, I am still taking one day at a time. "sigh" I just wish that I could see him more often. I just love it when he looks me in my eyes and does not say a word, and just shows me his wonderful smile. No, we have not said those three little words yet. Yes, I am okay with it - at least for the moment. I know how I feel. If those feelings are for real, then I will still most likely feel them in one month, two months, three months, etc. I am coming to terms with the fact that it is not important whether those words are spoken, but it is the actions of the people in the relationship that defines the relationship. It is always scary to utter those words for the first time, as you never know how the other person will respond. Maybe that is what is going on. He has a tendency to copy cat my actions, so maybe he is hoping that I will say it first. Who knows. The only way to really know is to take the risk, but then again, I am in no real rush. At least for the female perspective, it is always really nice to hear those words, though. What about it guys? What are your thoughts about saying those three little words? Are they necessary? Are they too scary? Could you live without them? When a girl/woman says them to you, how do you react? What does it signify to you?
Okay, I'm getting frustrated again. Things are really going well, but it is soooo hard to get him to talk about feelings. Why is that? My brother told me that guys don't want to put in writing how they feel because it is "proof" that they don't want to leave behind. What is THAT all about? If you have a feeling, why shouldn't you express it? Is that the difference between men and women? I really don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill, but I have to acknowledge the thoughts that are in my head and find out why I am having those feelings. What are the underlying reasons, are they justified, etc. I know that he cares about me and he wants to be with me, but seem to express it in words more than he does. Deep down inside I think that he is scared to put into words what he is feeling, but it would be nice to hear them more. He does a lot of things for me at my place without my having to ask him. He states that he does this because he feels that it is his job to do these things and that I shouldn't have to worry about it, etc.
Why am I having these feelings again? I thought that I was over this. He sent me an email this morning, asking how my new job was going, how I was doing in general. We sent each other a couple of messages updating each other and then my final email, I stated that I missed him, even though we saw each other on Saturday. He never responded to that one. Did I scare him? Am I being too clingy?
By the way, he asked me if I had any plans for Thanksgiving and I told him that my kids would be with their dad on Thanksgiving and that I was not getting together with my family until the weekend. He then invited me to his mother's house for Thanksgiving. I think that says something, but why can't he tell me how he feels?
Mom of 2, not all men are able to express what is in their hearts with words. My husband is one of them. He tells me he loves me and misses me if we are apart but if we have had an issue, he can't find the words to express his feelings so he "does things around the house" that he wouldn't ordinarily do. Once I begin the conversation to work things out, he opens a bit more but still has difficulty verbalizing what is in his heart. I realize we are talking about a new relationship as opposed to one of many years but it has always been the same. Some men can give flowery speeches of love and devotion. Sometimes, those words seem to come too easily to them. I would rather have someone who struggles to share what they feel than one who can just take off running with words. It makes me feel they have said it all before to many others. If he has not seemed to lose interest in your time together, which it sounds as if he has not since he wants to spend Thanksgiving with you, I would not be too concerned. As far as the e-mail, maybe he has been away from his computer or got called away to do something and will get with you later. As long as you have been dating, it might be nearing a time in the near future, that you just have a visit, not confrontational but just ask him what his feelings are and if he is comfortable with how things are going. I don't think by this time, you scared him by saying you miss him. He may not be ready for things to change in his life, as far as putting the words out there. If you can be patient, do so. If it bothers you too much, then I see nothing wrong with having a small visit about feelings. A person has a right to know where they stand with the other.
Thanks jrebel. As always, your advice helped me. I have to remember that things come up at work that he does not have control over. That's one of the bad things about email because you don't know what is happening behind the scenes and sometimes people read more into it than is warranted. I will remain patient because he is more of an action man than a word man. My ex was definitely a word man, and like you said, probably said a lot of the things too easily because he said them a lot at first, especially if he wanted something, but then waned at the end. Yeah, it frustrates me that I'm not hearing the words from my new guy that I would like to hear, but at least I know that when I do (I know that there will be a when because he has told me in the past that I make him happy and that he is happy that we met, etc.), it will REALLY mean something. I have to remind myself that he is not my ex (THANK GOD) and that he is his own person and I have to stay content that there is nothing wrong in the relationship, other than my wanting to see him more.
As always, I will keep you posted about what is happening. I would like to have that talk with him eventually, but I don't want him to think that I am pressuring him to say certain things just because I am able to express them. I was trying to lead by example, but I guess I will have to stay with patience.
I have to say I like this thread, mostly cause it's like your own personal diary of your dating relationship and the ups and downs that come with it. Sounds like on a whole the relationship is going very well, but I must admit after almost a year and still not being able to have both sides together must be frustrating on both sides and it sounds like your children welcome the idea. I think parents think of these situations a bit different, but I think children are more resilient than we adults give them credit for. I would bet that you would find it a relief and it may take away some of these insecurities if you were completely sharing your life with him.
Justwantfair - You hit the nail on the head. If I was more involved in his life, then a lot of what I am feeling would not be there. However, I am scared about my kids meeting his kids because no one wants their child to be rejected by anyone. Then if his son does not like my son (or vice versa), thinks he is weird, etc. I would imagine that would have some effect on the relationship.
At any rate, I don't want to force the issue about his kids and my kids meeting each other. My boyfriend is really great with my kids and my kids love him. I know in time it will happen, but it will take time. If we are meant to be with each other, then there should not be time constraints. I never imagined that I would be able to fall in love again. I always thought that I would be considered damaged goods of sorts and that no one would accept the entire package. Now I know that is soooo untrue.
So, I will just continue to take one day at a time and whatever happens happens. I just consider myself lucky that I really have a great guy and that I know that there are more good things to come. I will continue to post any and all updates. Thanks for the compliment on the thread.
I got a real chuckle out of that last update Mom, as that's the eternal question isn't it? "Why can't he talk about his feelings?". His actions speak clearly, but I think you would feel better hearing the words, but I caution you, to balance your expectations, with his actions, and relax and don't trip. LOL!
Sometimes us guys (and females to be sure) communicate through non-verbal means. You ladies just have to pay attention to us closer.
I've always told my wife, I take out the garbage because of love, not necessity. So should she take it out for the same reason? Naw, she just says its full, and stinks, ( wheres the romance in that?) just to show you how you females are so missing it.
Well I think that you are on a great path. It is so hard to put your life back together after a divorce and when you realize that you are walking away with two humans that are completely dependent on you and what you do from that point forward is extremely difficult. It is wonderful that your relationship is progressing so wonderfully I imagine that when you both stand united and introduce the whole family to each other you will be surprised how your children will react united watching you and your boyfriend united on everyone getting comfortable together. Good luck, I look forward to coming by for updates.
Thanks for all of your latest posts. I WAS getting frustrated about the fact that my boyfriend has an inability to express his feelings in the way that I express my feelings.
This brings me to a different, but somewhat similar issue. Is it wrong to tell him that I like certain things, such as cards or flowers? Or should I not worry about those kinds of things? I don't want to ruin our relationship or create stress in it just because I would like these things from time to time. I send him cards all of the time because I want to. I would think that he would want to do this because he knows that I like these sorts of things (kind of like leading through example). How do I express this to him without insulting him in any way? I have to laugh because one day we were picking out a card for his niece's birthday and he just went to one card, picked it up and then said "This looks good" and he started to walk away. I told him, "But you didn't even read it." He was more concerned about the price of it than he was about what it said inside. I had to laugh, but at the same time, it made me think, "He doesn't like this sort of thing". BUT I thought that it is a good thing to do things that the other person likes from time to time that may not be what you want to do. For instance, I don't say a word when he wants to go to the Bass Pro Shops. Would I go there alone in my spare time? No, but I know that he loves going there and I want to go with him because of his enjoyment. When we were there one time, I asked him a question about something because I REALLY wanted to know the difference between one item and another, and I think that he was pleasantly surprised and very happily showed me things. Another time I told him that I like it when he calls me everyday so that I can hear his voice before I go to bed. After I said that, he has been calling me at almost the same time (to the minute) every night.
Should I say something to him or just leave it be?
As you can see hints do wonders... LOL, but if your man doesn't express emotions well, he probably misses the benefit of doing the little things that make their partner feel so special. Hints can help if you don't want to be direct, but even if you are direct about in an honest way - I am sure he would be receptive because he is probably very aware that he doesn't enjoy or do any of those little things. Something that really helps is the five love languages book, it teaches that we all have a different language of expression, some touchy feely, some acts of service, some gifts of pleasure, some quality time. It is interesting, he may not understand your way but he is probably happy trying to make you happy, just show him the way.
Thanks. I think that I am going to start buying myself flowers because I like them. It always brightens a place. If he picks up on it and starts getting me flowers, great. But in the meantime, I will still have my flowers and not have to wait for someone else to do it.
When it was my birthday, he told me that he had difficulty deciding what to get me because I did not give good clues. Maybe this was his way of telling me that I need to be more direct with him. By the way, he did a GREAT job in getting me something for my birthday, so maybe my clues are not THAT bad.
I'll try and be a little more direct with him because I don't think that he picks up on the subtle hints. I always know what he wants because he tells me how he went someplace and was looking at something, etc. I guess I have to do that very same thing.
It's a man thing, I think I am direct, and he thinks I am talking in circles... LOL
There you ladies go, trying to train us!!
Where would you be without us... lost I tell you, absolutely lost... LOL. :)
Wandering aimlessly would make you happy? Well, I guess in some ways it would because you wouldn't have to think about anything.
All kidding aside, I think my relationship is going rather well. It is only my insecurities that sometimes get in the way. I'm sure that he has his own insecurities as well. I just don't know about them. Because why? HE WON'T TELL ME. Then again, I don't tell him mine, so I guess it is all fair.
He called me this afternoon, which he normally never does. He said that he just wanted to hear my voice while he was driving to a convention in the city. He then called me tonight to ask how my day went. So, I know that he cares and thinks about me often. So, I'm going to TRY and stop worrying about the little things. And, Talaniman, I will stop trying to train him!!
Mom of 2, you are learning things that took me years to learn. You are ahead of the game by being patient. It sounds like he really does care and just has a difficult time expressing it in words.
Tal always has great advice. I think guys sometimes do think women are trying to train them. Probably they are not far off from their perspective, while we are just striving to get closer and feel more connected.
Life is just a real surprise, isn't it?? Sounds like you are enjoying one of the more pleasant surprises of life with this guy. I think you and I think somewhat alike so I understand your desire for him to put into words, his thoughts and feelings. I had to laugh about the cards from earlier. My husband use to do that. He is older now, has gone through some loss, and that has seemed to have made him a little more thougthtful of what a card is saying. Life just has a way of working out if we let it. I would have wanted to be more confrontational than you have been about so many issues and have read how things have worked out in this situation and that situation for you. I'm not a patient person but seems you have done so well in making good decisions. It is a beautiful story of a journey, not yet knowing the ending but looking forward to seeing how the journey progresses.
Hi dear. It sounds as if you are doing just fine except for the direct communication stage. We cannot read minds but we can listen and read body-language. You made him happy about asking about Bass products because he thought you probably would not be interested. We women notice these little things faster because we purposely look for them. Men need a more direct approach as long as it is not in a complaining form.Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom of 2
As for training, NOPE, it's called evolving, and done only on a voluntary basis when a man feels like he will make you happier this way. It will happen on it's own, or it won't - depending on the relationship. So, please don't be insecure about it. I think the insecurity stems from your past relationship and you are just scared you might make mistakes... but they are there to be made and learn from - together. That's how we (and men) show how much we really care, so please don't worry.
I usually don't recommend books, but ''Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus'' is a very interesting book for both sexes. It helps 'translate' and explain the differences we have and how to understand. It is one book that I have enjoyed reading these last few weeks... and at my age, I cannot read much, so it is interesting enough and enlightening reading to keep me interested enough to turn the next page. It's never too late, and we are never too old to learn a bit more.
As for the children.. just like with pets, leave them to themselves, let them check each other out without showing your fears and they will get to know each other without violence. Most kids today know and understand what it's like to have 'patchwork' families and can cope better than the adults. You have to try and trust them in their observations - and they probably know how their parents feel - especially when they are happier than before. They observe a lot more than what we give them credit for - and we usually cannot hide much from them anyway. I'm pretty sure that all will work out well.
I certainly wish you all the best dear, and do keep us updated.
C.U. on the forum.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/39/39_3_6.gif
I was just thinking about something as I was reading the last few posts. I have been to about 5 family functions/times at his house when his kids were present. They seem to be somewhat receptive in that they are never rude to me, always say hi and have talked to me - at least completing a full sentence. His kids may not be throwing their arms around me, but then again I don't expect them to, at least not at this point. They are still going through a lot because their mom only agrees to have them over to her place when it is convenient for her. For instance, she states that she does not celebrate Thanksgiving anymore because she does not like that the early settlers "killed the Indians and took their land". There may be SOME truth to that, but that is not the true embodiment of the holiday and why we celebrate it today. It is to be THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE!! And if you can't at least be thankful for your children and the little things in life, than life must s*ck for you. At any rate, she does not want to spend that holiday with her children and she says that she has to work on Christmas (his daughter told him last night that her mom is actually going out of town for Christmas - so there is yet another lie). My boyfriend wanted to have their kids spend at least one holiday with her because it is the right thing to do, but she just does not see it that way. She has been missing soooo much in regard to special events with them, but that is her loss. I just don't want them to think that "I am here to save the day!!" like Mighty Mouse, however part of me just wants to give them a great big hug and tell them that I really do care about them because I see that they are hurting inside. In no way do I want to replace their mother. Not only because it is too early to think in those terms, but even if we were dating for a number of years and decided to spend the rest of our lives together, she is still their mother and she is the only mother that they will ever have. So in the meantime, I am willing and happy to kind of step to the side when it comes to his kids and not be an overwhelming presence to them.
My mother is an absentee mother and I was raised by my step-mom and dad. I must say that you can worry about them thinking you are a replacement, but they more likely will just respect you. No matter what wrong's your mother does, I can attest there isn't anyway to replace a mother. They will appreciate having a female in their life at some point in time. I think your day by day taking your time approach will help them.
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:39 AM. |